The basement of Retrovaille was full of Jesse and Ella’s family and friends, including Lizzie and me. The walls were lined with black and white silk, tables dressed with black and white settings, and centerpieces overflowed with sparkling silver balloons. The silk hung from the ceiling, meeting with balloons at every peak of attachment before flowing out into another ebb and flow until reaching an opposite wall. Jesse’s dad and Mrs. New Boobs returned, sparing no expense as usual. Ella’s parents were substantially more modest than Jesse’s. Her dad was a doctor, so she never starved, and most of her bachelor’s degree was paid for in cash. He was a kind man, not presumptive or arrogant, and never asked to be referred to as “Doctor.” He was happily married to Ella’s mom for thirty years. She was an English teacher at a high school in some ritzy district along Lake Michigan.
“I’m so glad to see you, dear.” Ella’s mom wrapped her arms around my back with a welcomed suffocation. “Ella told me about your new job! Congratulations!”
“Thank you. I really like it. Can you believe Ella and Jesse are finally getting married? I know if their marriage is one tenth as happy as yours, they’ll be set for life.”
“Oh, Avery,” she held a hand to my left cheek and pursed her lips, “love is challenging and marriage isn’t always easy, but nothing worth holding ever is. Is it?” Is this woman psychic? I smiled politely and listened to Ella’s mom discuss her upcoming plans for retirement once the current school year ended. She spoke with a softness that made the air around us wrap me into a tight, nurturing hug. Lizzie sauntered over to us, a bemused smile on her face.
“Hey…” She poked my arm. “So…both of your boyfriends are here.”
Ella’s mom raised an eyebrow, smiling at me and withholding any judgment. “I miss being twenty-five,” she teased. “I must go find Ella’s father. It was lovely seeing you girls. Let’s catch up more this evening.”
I pinched my blue fingernails into Lizzie’s bare arm, causing a shrieking squeal to escape her mouth.
“What was that for?” she bellowed, rubbing her wound.
“Both of my boyfriends? Elizabeth, you have gall.”
“I prefer to call it my moxie,” she giggled, biting the straw of her drink. “I’m sorry. Don’t hate me. I just wanted to warn you. They sort of walked in together.”
“That had to be awkward for Sean.” I fought a laugh. “Lizzie, neither are my boyfriends. Both are just friends.”
“Both have kissed you,” she reminded me. I love-hate her. I scanned the room while Lizzie waved down one of the three young women serving drinks. Jesse was with his parents, animated in a lively conversation. Ella was talking to people I didn’t recognize. My throat tightened when I noticed Sean was shaking hands with Jesse’s brother near the doorway to the basement room and Declan was walking toward Lizzie and me. Oh, boy.
“Hi, ladies.” His smile pierced my heart. “It’s really coming down out there.” Declan. Declan and his dark blond hair combed back into classic perfection, his black cashmere sweater that taunted my fingertips, and his eyes that reminded me of delicious brownies. Oh, Declan.
“It’s nice to see you.” I smiled. Lizzie handed me a glass from the server’s tray and wrapped her left arm around my waist, securing me at her side.
“I’d ask if I could get you two drinks, but it looks like Lizzie’s got that taken care of.”
“Always.” She winked and lifted her glass in the air.
“If you’ll excuse me then.” Declan grinned at us and drifted into the crowd to the open bar along the back wall of the room. Mr. Adler and Mrs. New Boobs really wasted no expense to celebrate Jesse and Ella’s engagement.
“What are you going to do?” Lizzie mocked the situation, casually sipping from her glass.
“My primary objective is to stop your drinking habit. Second, go home, I guess.” She squeezed my waist in panic and swallowed a large gulp of her drink.
“Crap.” Some sense of her humor vanished as she spoke, her eyes glued to Sean. Sean, again in all black, looked handsome with the top two buttons of his shirt undone, his stubble shadowing his perfectly detailed jaw. The darkness of his outfit and hair obscured anything but his eyes. He had to have done that on purpose. How else could he maintain one’s attention so quickly and securely? He was walking toward us, grace oozing from each step. He didn’t look as frail as I expected; he seemed surprisingly like Sean, but a little thinner. Upon further and more detailed inspection, the glowing emeralds seemed recessed and tired. The part of me already enamored by Sean wanted to cry for him.
“Lizard.” He kissed her cheek as a greeting. “Avery.” I only got a nervous nod. That’s not very reassuring. Declan returned with his tall glass of gin and tonic with a spiraled lime dangling over the side.
“Hey, Sean. Nice to see you again.” Declan reached for Sean’s hand. “How was Miami? Avery said you’d visited your brother?”
Sean returned the polite handshake, eyeing me while he responded. “Awakening.”
“That’s great. I’ve never been.”
“It’s too hot for me. Too hot.” Lizzie hummed and sipped, her eyes large with humor while glancing around the room. I continued to practice my most polite of smiles while Declan and Sean spoke.
“Why didn’t you warn me?” I snapped at Lizzie under my breath. She shrugged, playing innocent, and bit her lip. She could anticipate some passive aggressive lack of verbal communication from me for a few days. I wiggled from her embrace with a smile still plastered on my painted lips.
“How’s Kelly?” Lizzie inquired, and I held my breath, assuming the snot was attempting to win back my faith in her skills at manipulation. Sean slowly crept closer to us while they spoke, his eyes on mine. Declan’s posture straightened, seeming to challenge Sean. Are they marking their territory? They have to be kidding!
“Your girlfriend?” Declan urged. “How is she?”
“Fine.” Oh, boy. Where was this going?
“How’s your company?” Sean finally looked at Declan, although his piercing glare was still robust and scorching.
“Things are great. We’re looking to transfer leadership within the next three months.” Declan nodded, taking a swig of his drink. Transfer leadership? I looked between Lizzie and Declan. The new and uncomfortable tension between Sean and Declan was palpable, my mouth easily absorbing the flavor of anxiety. Declan placed his arm around me in a rather possessive motion, another new and uncomfortable sensation.
“His dad owns the company,” Lizzie whispered. “He’s retiring and giving the company to Declan.” I shot a glance at Declan, seeking clarification. It was news to me. Is this something he wanted? What do I care? I don’t even know what I want.
“Big shot.” Sean nodded. “Congrats. Avery, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“I think she’s all right over here, Sean,” Declan declared. Lizzie was slowly stepping away from us, her lips and eyes glued to the skinny straw in her glass, and I was plotting her death.
“Ave.” Sean held his hand toward me, his silver cufflinks twinkling as they reflected the light. It distracted me, and I stood, like a mindless fool, staring at Sean’s palm.
“Avery?” Declan’s voice broke through my haze while Sean still reached for my hand, his fingers hanging in a limbo he stubbornly presented.
“Avery, it’s about our toasts,” Sean clarified. They tossed my name around too much for me to follow. I looked into Declan’s calm, harmless brown eyes and remorsefully shrugged.
“I’ll just be a minute,” I assured him, but I knew it wasn’t a promise I could keep. I accepted Sean’s hand, and he quickly put his arm around my waist, gently kissing my hair as we stepped away.
“Don’t,” I warned him, pulling away. “You don’t get to do that. Not here. Not tonight. And what the heck was that back there?” When we reached the back of the room where fewer people mingled, I slapped Sean’s arm.
“Are you finished?” I demanded, glowering at his perfection. His lips twitched into a grin that melted my soul, his eyes glowing like a child.
“Ouch.” He faked injury while grabbing his arm. “Are you?”
“Yes. Are you done spraying your testosterone all over this damn party so we can move on and behave like normal adults?”
“I wasn’t aware I was,” he chuckled as he started to mock me, “spraying my testosterone all over.” I focused on his eyes, realizing it was futile to resist smiling.
“You were. All over Declan, Lizzie, and me. In fact,” I pretended to sniff him, only inhaling the toxic fume of his delicious aftershave, “you still reek.” For a moment, it felt normal. It was us, the friends who flirted, the friends who loved each other. It was bittersweet.
“I’m sorry.” He pouted playfully. “Toasts?”
I nodded, reaching into the pocket of my black taffeta skirt for the paper on which I previously typed my speech. Sean took a folded paper from his pocket, and we exchanged ideas. I looked up from his toast, noticing his eyes were glued to me. I couldn’t help but blush. My stomach twisted as his glimpse flooded my heart with memories, happy memories of witty banter, furtive glances, and my friend. Memories of the night we spent together, his teeth on my skin, his hands setting my body ablaze. Memories of him telling me about his illness. The feelings nagged at me, pulling my heart toward Sean’s. I knew he felt it by the way his shoulders tensed, responding to a shiver. He briefly looked down, a beautifully mischievous grin parting his soft lips. The sentiment tickled my cheeks and danced down my neck. Sean placed some loose hair behind my right ear and lightly pulled on the diamond stud in my earring.
“I miss this.” His knuckles stopped on my cheek and, for a split second, I forgot we were in a room full of Jesse and Ella’s guests. I shook my head but smiled at him with a promise I couldn’t define.
***
Once guests were established and held their glasses in preparation, Sean and I gave our brief speeches toasting Jesse and Ella. Mrs. New Boobs eyed Sean as he spoke, of course, occasionally licking her lips. How can Mr. Adler not see this? Sean elegantly spoke of the once-in-a-lifetime love that Jesse and Ella shared, how important their deep level of intimacy and respect was, and how he envied their relationship. Wait a minute—where is Kelly? He continued wooing the guests with his persuasive voice before raising a glass and toasting to their love. I just talked about how much I loved them and how thrilled I was for their engagement. He stole the show.
We headed toward the door as party guests began departing. Jesse and his dad were thanking guests just outside the door, getting caught in flakes of snow.
“Oh, Sean,” Jesse’s stepmother approached, dabbing tears from her overly lined eyes, “that was the most beautiful speech.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Adler.” I noticed him looking around, his eyes finally locking on mine. I didn’t mean to stare at him; I couldn’t help it.
Lizzie, Ella, and I were huddled in our tripod discussing Ella’s dainty engagement ring. I glanced up, and his eyes were still on me while Mrs. New Boobs attempted to flirtatiously engage him in conversation. I felt a tug on my arm, pulling me away from the girls.
“I’m going to go,” Declan whispered, his lips close to my ear. I spun around, my gaze frantic but knowingly searching his. I swallowed hard, not sure how to reply.
“I’m going to be the better guy here, Avery. I’m going to let you be happy.” That’s what Sean should have told me a month ago. But now my heart was torn in three pieces: Declan, Sean, and me.
“Declan.” Unsure of what to say, I reached for his hand resting in the side pocket of his black dress pants, but he only allowed me to grasp his forearm.
“You want that,” he nodded in Sean’s direction, “and he does too. Any fool can see that, and Avery, I don’t want to be a fool.” He kissed my forehead, and his lips lingered, a gentle, paternal kiss that forced the guilt to pour from my eyes. I don’t know what I want.
“Don’t cry,” Declan soothed. “Thank you for what we had.” Another soft kiss to my forehead and he stepped away, flipping up the collar of his wool coat.
I was now without Declan, without Sean, and with what? Lizzie? I didn’t want Lizzie. I stood in the falling snow, thankful I had sleeves despite their ineffectiveness at shielding the frigid chill blowing the snow into its flurry dance. Declan remained confident in his posture, gliding across the sidewalks yet to be shoveled, his legs marching elegantly in his path. I watched him disappear with the muted glow of pedestrians until I lost him.
“Excuse me.” A stranger’s hand quickly grazed my back in an effort to get my attention and ensure I would move from their path. I smiled politely at one of the party guests and stepped away from the door. I officially lost Declan.
My head hung solemnly, covered in petals of white snow while I paced the sidewalk, only pausing when I accidentally stepped on two very shiny Oxfords. Jesse. I lifted my eyes to observe his gentle face. His brown hair hung over his forehead in a disheveled mop, the oil he used to comb it back now keeping pieces dangling in response to his dancing downstairs. Jesse removed his black suit coat and tenderly placed it around my shoulders. Such a gentleman and such a loyal friend. Immediately, I fell against his chest, longing for the comfort of someone I could trust who wouldn’t flee, leaving me empty and ruined.
“I’m so happy for you two,” I mumbled, his arms securing me against him. I tried not to cry on the black satin tie dangling along his chest. Jesse soothingly pet my back while we stood in the falling snow.
“Declan left,” I whimpered.
“I saw. You don’t have to pretend,” he murmured, placing his chin atop my head. I heard those words before.
“Pretend what?” I peered up at my friend, curiously awaiting his clarification.
“Sean.” Jesse’s eyes widened as if I should know his thoughts. “Obviously, Ave.”
“I lost two great guys, you know that? Two.”
“I know.” Jesse pulled me tighter against his warm body, my sobs burning into his chest. “You feel that way right now, babe, but it’s not true.”
“I know I’ll always have you,” I sighed, lifting the back of my hand to my nose.
Jesse smiled, his eyes twinkling humorously. “That’s not what I mean. It’s absolutely true, my dear, but not what I meant. You just lost Declan.” Just lost Declan. Like it was an easy thing to just eliminate or lose? Jesse just didn’t get it sometimes.
“You’ve still got your two great guys,” he continued. “You’ll always have me. And—”
“You’ll always have me. If you’ll have me.”
Jesse turned around, taking me with him, to observe Sean standing outside with us. His dark figure was glorious and captivating in the falling snow, a dark angel haloed by the glowing white. Jesse’s dad pulled him away from us, oblivious to the depth of our exchange. I shivered, instantly missing Jesse’s warmth despite being bundled in his suit coat. Sean strode closer to me.
“Stop it,” I whispered. “You just can’t see me happy, can you?”
“I very much can, Avery, but it’s with me—not Declan. Not with anyone else, and not alone. I have a clear picture in my mind of you being happy, and I’ll do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.” Sean lifted one hand to balance on my hip beneath Jesse’s coat, pulling me against him, while his other hand seized my face as he kissed my forehead and rested his chin atop my head.
“Not now,” I mumbled, inhaling him and savoring this moment. “I’m not happy right now.”
He lifted his head, peering into my moistened eyes and their trails of mascara. I really need to invest in waterproof. Sean’s eyes flicked between mine, as if they held the vernacular appropriate to describe my feelings. His long fingers were surprisingly soft and felt reassuringly warm against my frozen cheeks as both of Sean’s hands cupped my face. Sean’s thumb grazed my bottom lip, forcing me to look at him.
“Not now?”
I shook my head in response, watching his green eyes narrow and wash with apprehension. I reached for his wrists, his cufflinks poking into my skin as I bound my fingers around him.
“You’re sick, Sean. You have a girlfriend. We’ve had this conversation before.”
“Do you want me to not have a girlfriend, Ave?”
“I want you to be a good man, Sean, and I want you alive.”
Sean’s fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as if he were repressing something, attempting to focus elsewhere or contain himself. “Avery, you are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
“And you love me for it,” I whimpered, eyes closed. Sean’s hands fell from me as we heard our friends approach. Ella’s inebriated giggle was contagious. She was ecstatic, full of such hope and a tangible illustration of happiness.
“Thank you for your speeches,” she told us, her eyes sparkling. “It means the most to us.”
“Nice jacket, Ave,” Lizzie teased, throwing her arm around me. I was suddenly irritated by her, resentful, even, at her lack of compassion for what transpired between Declan, Sean, and I that evening. I stepped out from her grasp and took Jesse’s coat from my shoulders, returning it to him. Sean adjusted his cufflinks and twisted his long fingers around his wrist. Is he nervous?
“I hate to change to such a sad topic,” Ella continued, inching toward Sean, “but when is your first surgery?” I watched him, intrigued and expecting.
“Wednesday.”
“Four days from now,” I gasped, saddened that he skipped this detail when we last spoke in great length about his illness. I selfishly felt a little betrayed and let down that in all of his discussion about his illness and his irresponsible romantic nonsense, he omitted this one fact.
“That’s New Year’s Eve,” Lizzie whined. She broke into a heaving sob, throwing herself at our billboard friend, and Sean politely smiled while attempting to reassure her he would be fine. Suddenly, he looked almost childlike to me, something precious to be saved or protected and cherished. I wanted to hold Sean. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and shield him from cancer right there in the snow, knowing I was freezing, but he was safe.