"What the fuck were you thinking, Kase?" Bryon paced the floor of the small motel room he'd gotten so that they could talk without worrying about anyone hearing or having bugged Kasey's house, which was a huge possibility since Noam seemed to have known before Kasey had admitted it to him.
"I know, I was trying to work it out. I didn't expect to fall in love with him. I don't date. You know that, Bry. There was just something about him. I was going to quit the team, but the jobs kept coming in and—"
"And you can't bring yourself to quit when there are children who need help. You don't have to explain to me. I get it, but I don't know how to clean this mess up now, Kase. I don't know how to save you." Bryon fisted his hands at his side. "I can send you out of the country, help you start over."
"No, I already told you, I won't run. If I have to face this, so be it, but I won't be a coward and run. I don't regret a single thing I've done. I'm not ashamed of what I do. I won't run and look like I'm scared, even if I am." Kasey sat on the queen-sized bed, trying to figure out how to deal with the mess he caused. "I'm more worried about the team. I don't want any of you to go down with me."
"The team is on hold for now. Until we know what is going on and that it's safe, we aren't doing anything other than research. All stings are cancelled until further notice." Bryon wiped his hand over his chin. "What have you told him about us?"
"Nothing. He knows I'm friends with Matt and Xander, but that's through Faith. He has no clue that they work with the team. He knows I know Beau, but I've never said we were good friends or anything. Again, he thinks I know him through Faith. He knows about you, but only because I told him I lived with you after the halfway house. I told him you're like a big brother to me."
Bryon smiled. "I didn't know you thought that."
Kasey shrugged. "It never came up, but I owe you everything. I don't want to think what would have happened to me all those years ago if you hadn't been there for me."
"You would have made it. You're strong."
"I was a pissed off, angry man back then. I probably would have ended up back in prison."
"Well, don't think you haven't gotten yourself back there now. There's a good chance you will be looking at a jail cell soon after all this shit." Bryon shook his head. "Fuck, it was never supposed to end up like this. I've done all I can to protect the team."
Kasey stood. "This isn't your fault. This is all on me. I knew not to get close to him. I'm the one who put the team at risk, put everything we've done at risk. I'm taking full responsibility for all of it. I won't contact anyone after I leave here tonight. I'll cut myself off from the team. I'm not going to risk any of you."
"What I don't get is why he let you go? Why didn't he arrest you right then?"
Kasey had asked himself the same question repeatedly. "I don't know. It makes no sense to me unless he was so upset because of our personal relationship that he needed time to accept it all. I have no doubt he will do what is right and take me in. I'm waiting for him to show up at my home or call me to meet him. I'm just glad I had a chance to warn you, to make sure I have a chance to sign everything over to Faith so someone can benefit from what I have."
"You're giving everything to Faith?" Bryon stared at him.
"Who else is there? The team has more money than they need. If Matt and Xander sell my house and take the money and save it for Faith's college or whatever she decides to do, then that's best. I don't have anyone to give it to."
"Fuck, I can't believe you're even having to think about this shit." Bryon pulled a chair out from the small table in the corner and sat down. "I was so happy for you finally finding someone. I hate that it's backfired on you. You shouldn't have to face this. You out of anyone deserves a happy life."
"It's my own fault. I should have quit the team as soon as I knew it was going to get serious with Noam or walked away from Noam when I found out what he did for a living, especially because he was working cases we were tied to."
"So now what are you going to do?" Bryon asked.
"Wait. What else can I do? I don't think he'll make me wait long. I figure he'll take tonight and accept it all, think it over, then tomorrow, he'll show up and have me arrested or at least file papers so a warrant is issued. I've got some paperwork to sort, some personal things to handle. I want as much ready as I can get so you guys don't have to deal with all the fallout." Kasey sat down across from Bryon. "Promise me you'll be careful. Don't come to the jail, don't come to my trial, don't do anything to make them look at you. I know they might already because of our friendship and past, but don't give them any reason to dig deeper."
"Carter has us covered. If it wasn't for that damn camera, you'd still be safe too."
"We knew technology would be our downfall one day." Kasey sighed. "Thank you for everything, Bry. You saved me."
Bryon shook his head. "I just gave you a place to go, a place to get your shit together. You did it all on your own. I'm going to miss you, Kase. I won't let you sit in there and rot. I'm going to get you the best defense team. We'll fight this all we can. Don't think we're just cutting ties with you."
"Thanks, but I don't want anyone tied to me. Seriously, there is no point in us all going down. If any of us were going to get caught, I was probably the best one. I mean most of you have families, jobs, ties that connect you to the community. I don't. Let me take the fall. Let them blame me. It's easiest. It keeps you safe." He couldn't stand the thought of any of them in trouble.
"Fuck, Kase, I hate this. I hate there is nothing I can do. Are you sure you won't leave town?"
"No. Even as scared as I am, running feels wrong. I'm facing up to what I've done. I knew from day one this might happen. We all take the risk. I'm not running and hiding like I did something wrong, because in my eyes it's not wrong. These pedophiles deserve everything we did to them. Running somehow feels like I'm saying I did wrong."
"I'm scared for you."
"I'll be okay, Bry. Tell everyone I love them and that I am proud to have fought beside them. Don't quit what you're doing. Lay low for a bit, but don't stop. You are making a difference."
Tears filled Bryon's eyes.
"No, fuck that, Bry. Don't you dare cry. I'm hardly holding it together right now. If you lose it, I will too. I can't cry, or I won't stop." Kasey stood, going to the window to look out as he tried to get his emotions back in order.
"Fuck, I can't decide if I want to scream or cry. I honestly don't know how to feel." Bryon sighed. "I need to know if you get arrested. If you do, call me. No one will be shocked that you would call me. We go way back. They'd expect you to call me. I'll play stupid and pull the innocent friend who had no clue, but I can't help you if I don't know you're in jail. For now, don't contact anyone else other than me. I can cover my ass easy enough if they come digging around."
"You sure? Your home is our base. They come to search, and they find everything."
"The house isn't in my name. I have a small fixer-upper somewhere else that I use for my home address. They'll come there and find nothing but a simple home with nothing incriminating." Bryon stood and gripped Kasey's shoulder. "I'm going to do all I can, but unfortunately, it's not that much. My hands are tied. Don't admit to anything. Once Noam arrests you, just stay silent. I'll get you an attorney and we'll go from there. If you need anything, call me. Like I said, no one is going to question us talking. We just need to be careful what we say in case they tap your phone. I'm sure Noam is trying to figure out who you work with. Damn them in Nevada for printing those articles."
Kasey nodded. There was nothing more to say. Turning, he reached out, pulling Bryon into a hug. "I don't know when I'll see you again, if I'll ever be able to hug you again. Thank you for everything, Bry. You saved me, whether you believe it or not. I owe everything to you." He gripped him tightly, keeping his eyes shut so tears didn't fall. "I love you." Unable to handle the emotional overload, he pulled away and turned without looking back.
Quickly, before Bryon could stop him, he walked out the door. The sooner he broke ties with everyone the easier it was going to be. He walked to his car and started it, pulling onto the road, and driving several blocks before he pulled over and completely lost it. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he thought about his future, about his past, and about everything he was going to miss.
With his head pressed to the steering wheel, he let the emotions take over, releasing the fear and anger he had been holding inside. There was no one to blame but him. He'd made the choices that got him where he was. The sad thing was, he'd make the same choices again just for the short chance to be with Noam. It had been the rightest part of his life, even if it had only lasted a couple of months.
He sat for nearly fifteen minutes before he was able to get himself stable enough to drive. There would be time for tears, but first, he needed to make sure everything was ready for when he was arrested.
The drive home was different than any other he'd driven. He paid attention to the little things. He focused on the colors, the birds, the kids playing in the front yard of an old Victorian. Things that he usually didn't notice. Those little things were what he would use to make it through the long hours locked in a cell. The long years paying for what he'd done. They would be the thoughts that gave him something to hold on to.
He parked his car and headed into the house, moving slowly, as if he needed to memorize everything around him. He took so much for granted, but having it suddenly taken from him was making him see everything differently.
He flopped down on the couch, sitting in the darkness, and thought about his past. For all the pain he'd faced, he'd been happy. He had a good life once Bryon took him in. He missed his sister a lot. He often wondered what she would be like as a woman. Would she be married, have a family, been happy? It tore him up knowing he'd been unable to help her when she needed it most. If he'd been out, been free, he would have seen how hard things were for her. He could have stopped her from taking the pills, ending her life.
Looking back, that was the only part of his life he would change. He would have been there for her. It was out of his hands, but maybe if he hadn't killed his uncle, he could have been there to help Kate get through what she went through. He was sure that she blamed herself for him being arrested. It was hardly her fault. She didn't ask to be raped, she didn't tell him to beat the fuck out of their uncle. He was protecting his sister, and he would do it again.
Castrating men made sense after all that. It stopped most men from ever being able to hurt anyone again. It was a way to make them suffer for the rest of their lives. The men and women he hurt deserved to suffer. Deserved pain. Right or wrong, it was justified in his own mind. Unfortunately, the courts wouldn't see it that way.
With his mind racing, Kasey kicked off his shoes and eased back onto the couch. There was nothing more to do. Tomorrow he'd finalize all his legal papers, get things set so Faith got everything, then all there was to do was wait, and that was the hardest part of it all.