Noam stared at Casper, watching as she ran to the front door and back to him again. It was obvious she wanted to go for a walk. He owed her one. They hadn't left the house in over a week. He'd been too lost in his own mind to worry about her. Other than going into the backyard to toss a ball, he'd all but left her on her own as he sulked around the house.
"Okay, you win. We can go for a walk." He forced himself off the couch. "Let me change clothes and we'll go."
As if pushing him to hurry, Casper raced to the bedroom.
He followed, pulling his shirt off as he walked. "We better get something to eat while we're out. I don't think I have anything but frozen burritos left in the freezer." He hadn't had the motivation to do much of anything.
He'd quit his job the day after he'd talked to Kasey. He just couldn't do it. It would be too hard to work the cases and know that Kasey was the one he should be investigating.
It wasn't a huge loss. He hadn't been happy at work for a long time, and the cases were starting to get to him.
The two girls who had been kidnapped were brought home, thanks to Kasey and whoever he worked with. He was happy the girls had been found, but when he'd seen them, he realized that being home wasn't going to be all happy and joyful. The girls were traumatized, scared of everything. He'd expected to witness a happy reunion, but the only tears had been ones of fear as the girls huddled together, not daring to even hug their parents.
Noam thought about Faith, and how she must have been the same way when she'd come home. He remembered Kasey saying something about her just starting to be able to hug him. All this time, he'd thought he was making everything better when he found the kids and reunited them with their families, but that wasn't true. Yeah, the kids were home, and better off than they had been before, but they were far from okay.
They still didn't have any leads on the missing boy other than the papers that had shown him as sold. While the paperwork had turned up several leads, the young boy kidnapped from the playground hadn't been one of them. Noam was helpless to bring the child home to his family, and that had been the final straw. He just couldn't do it anymore.
He pulled on his sweats and grabbed a clean shirt as Casper jumped around him. "Okay, okay, I said we'd go." He glanced in the mirror, running his fingers through his hair. He had no one to impress.
After putting the leash on Casper, he headed outside, pausing to lock the house and stick his keys into his pocket. "Where are we going?" He let her take the lead. One direction would be the park, the other would weave them through neighborhoods. He didn't care either way. There was fast food in both directions and that would be good enough to tide him over until he got to the grocery store.
Casper turned toward the park, leading Noam down the sidewalk as she stopped to sniff everything she could reach. He let her take her time. He had nowhere to be. The afternoon sun felt good against his skin. He hadn't left the house in days, and the fresh air was probably doing him more good than Casper.
So much had changed over the last few months, and he was struggling to decide what he wanted to do with his life. With his training, he could find work easily, but nothing called to him. He wanted something that would give him the fulfillment that being a cop used to give him. He'd even thought about going back on patrol and giving up being a detective, but that wouldn't keep him from seeing the crime scenes, hide the evil in the world from him. No, if he wanted change, he needed something different. He wanted to feel as if he was making a difference.
Pausing for the red light, he looked around, taking in the view of the park across the street and a group of kids playing near the water fountain. Would he ever be able to look at kids again and not do a risk assessment on how in danger they were? Could he go back to his days of naivety where the world wasn't a dark place waiting to pounce on the unaware?
"Come on." He gave Casper a gentle tug as the light changed.
Seeing the park, she picked up her pace, forcing him to walk faster. Guilt hit him again for keeping her in the house so much over the last few weeks. Though, she did enjoy having him home more.
He sighed as they hit the park and started to walk down one of the paths. He let her weave from tree to tree, getting her fill of whatever she was smelling. He laughed at her as she tried to chase a bird, only to have the leash pull her to a stop. "You're not here to chase birds." He smiled as she glanced up at him.
They continued to walk, working their way toward a hot dog stand that was on the other side of the park. It would tide him over for dinner, and then tomorrow, he'd get his lazy ass up and head to the store.
Casper suddenly started to run, pulling hard on the leash, refusing to give as he tried to hold her back. He glanced up to see what she was after, and his breath caught. Standing several feet away, staring at him, Kasey wiped sweat from his brow.
Noam swallowed hard. He'd tried so hard to get the image of Kasey's face from his mind. To forget what it was like when they were together. It had been over two months since he'd walked out Kasey's door. He thought he'd moved on, but by the way his chest tightened, and pulse raced, he wasn't so sure.
Noam let Casper lead him closer and smiled as Kasey bent down to greet the dog.
"Hey, girl. I've missed you. You look good." Kasey scratched around her ears.
Was she the only one that Kasey missed? Noam stared at Kasey, taking in the sheen of sweat that covered his skin. He should have known that sooner or later they'd run into each other here since Kasey jogged the park often.
"How are you?" Kasey glanced up at him.
Noam's heart ached as he stared into Kasey's eyes, every memory they'd made together flowing through his mind. "I'm okay. How have you been?"
Kasey shrugged. "I've been better."
Noam nodded, understanding all too well. "How's Faith?"
"She's good. Matt let her join a jump team. They compete with others in the area. She's really taken to it." Kasey stood. "She asks about you."
"Tell her I said hi and congratulations on the jump team. Maybe I'll make one of her competitions some time." Noam shifted from foot to foot.
"She'd like that." Kasey glanced at Casper. "You two just out for a walk?"
"Yeah, thought we'd grab a hot dog at the vendor across the way." Noam wrapped the leash around his hands, trying to think what to say.
"Want company?" Kasey looked almost scared as he asked the question.
Noam understood the fear. This conversation wasn't easy. All he wanted to do was pull Kasey into his arms and hold him, but after everything, after all they'd gone through, he didn't dare. "Sure, we'd like that." He blew out a nervous breath.
They walked in silence toward the hot dog vendor, letting Casper lead them. She glanced back almost as if she was making sure they were both following her.
Once there, Kasey pulled out his wallet. "It's on me." He ordered three hot dogs. "You don't care if she has one, do you?"
"No, I planned on getting her one too." Noam smiled. "Thanks, you didn't have to buy."
"It's nothing." Kasey shoved his wallet back into his sweatpants pocket.
Once they had everything, Noam gestured to an empty bench. "Sit while we eat?"
Kasey nodded.
Noam led them over, shortening the leash so Casper had to stay next to them as they sat down.
"So, how's work?" Kasey asked.
Noam took a bite of his hot dog, chewing slowly to give himself time. It wasn't a question he could avoid, but it was one he didn't want to answer. The last thing he wanted was for Kasey to feel guilty that he'd quit because of everything that had happened. "Um, I quit over a month ago."
"Shit, why?" Kasey's eyes went wide. "You loved your job, Noam."
Hearing Kasey say his name again was like a shot right through his heart. How many nights had they laid in bed kissing, holding each other, whispering each other's names? "I just couldn't do it anymore. All I saw was the bad, the stuff I couldn't fix. The cases I couldn't solve."
"What about the ones you did solve, the cases you closed? You're a great detective, Noam." Kasey looked sadly at him. "You loved your job."
"My heart wasn't in it anymore." Noam shrugged. "It was time for me to go."
"Because of me? What you found out?"
"Some, but not really. It was more seeing how well you did in finding kids we couldn't, how you were able to track down criminals we weren't even aware of. I realized that even when I closed a case, it wasn't really closed." Noam wiped his mouth with a napkin. "It was just time for me to move on."
"So, what are you doing now?" Kasey asked.
"I'm thinking about heading back to Israel," Noam told him.
"Don't go." A sudden look of panic came over Kasey's face and he shook his head.
"Why? There's nothing more for me here."
"There could be, if you'll let it." Kasey slowly reached out and covered Noam's hand with his own. "I miss you."
Noam forced himself not to pull his hand away from the searing touch of Kasey's. He closed his eyes, emotions flooding him as he thought about how easy it would be to ignore everything they'd faced and slip back into the happiness they knew.
He'd thought about it a lot, wondering if they could make it work. If he could sit by and watch as Kasey went off to work every night, knowing what he was going to do. Hell, he'd even asked himself if he could join them. He liked to think he had the guts to slice off a man's balls, but when he really thought about it, it was something he couldn't do.
He opened his eyes, turning to look at Kasey, everything he felt for the man crowding in his chest, almost as if begging him to take notice. "I miss you too." That much he could admit.
Kasey's fingers pressed between Noam's linking their hands. "But? I sense there is a but there." Kasey's thumb caressed over his hand, reminding him how good his touch felt. How right they always were together.
"I just don't know if I can—"
"Is it the job? I'll quit. I'll find something else. I'll bag groceries, flip burgers, hell, I don't care what I'm doing as long as I'm with you, Noam. The last couple of months have been hell. It took all I had not to come begging at your door, just so I could see you. I'm tired of trying to stay away, of acting like this is how it should be. I know I fucked up. I am so sorry for all of it. I just can't keep…" Kasey sighed, pulling his hand back. "Jesus, look at me. I'm like some teenage girl begging her boyfriend not to leave her. I sound pathetic." He ran his fingers through his hair. "You get the idea, Noam. I want to try again. The thought of you leaving the country scares the hell out of me."
"It scares the hell out of me as well, but it's the only way I know how to handle this." Noam stared at Casper as he spoke, unable to watch the pain on Kasey's face as they talked.
"Handle what, Noam?" Kasey's voice was soft and gentle, reminding him of the long nights where they would cuddle on the couch and talk about everything. At least he thought they'd covered everything. He had no idea at the time the secrets Kasey had.
"Us, knowing you're five minutes away. Knowing I could just show up at your door and do my own impersonation of a teenage girl and beg you to come back." Noam turned his head, so he could look directly at Kasey. "It's so hard to love you and not be with you."
Kasey smiled weakly. "I know. Trust me, I know."
Noam sighed. It should have been so easy. They both admitted they wanted each other, loved each other, but there was something keeping him from taking the chance. It would be so easy to give in, go back to how it was, but this time with no secrets between them.
"This has to be you, Noam. I can't decide for us. I wish I could because you'd be in my arms right now, but this has to be your choice. You have to want us as much as I do." Kasey reached down and tangled his fingers in Casper's fur.
God, he wanted that. Wanted to feel Kasey hold him again. "I know. I don't know what I'm scared of, what is stopping me. I've come to terms with your job. I understand it, even maybe agree with it in some fucked up sense. I'm just…" He shook his head. "I don't know."
Kasey stared directly into his eyes. "Let me show you it can work. Let me love you."
Walking away from Kasey was going to be impossible. Now that they'd come face to face again, his emotions were raw and every bit of control he'd thought he had was gone. "Come home with us? We can talk more there?" He prayed he wasn't making a huge mistake, but letting Kasey go again would damn near kill him.
Kasey nodded. "I can do that." He again reached over and linked their hands.
He had to be out of his mind to risk everything he was about to. Not only was his heart on the line, but his sanity as well. Being with Kasey would make him just as liable as Kasey was if he ever got caught. Even if he said he'd never known what Kasey did, no one would believe him. He was opening the door to a world of hurt, but as he tightened his grip on Kasey's hand, he realized the pain was worse without Kasey than it would ever be because of him.