---

Spring is finally here and with it comes fresh hope for my future. I’ve heard nothing more from Liv or Richard, and have begun to think they might actually leave me alone now. Sinead still texts me regular updates on Kieren – the last one said he seems happy every time she sees him leaving the house with Liv, so my mind is put at rest, at least for now.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Craig says, rolling over so he’s facing me. It’s one of those rare April days when it’s warm enough for short sleeves, so we’re spending lunchtime in the park, lying on a blanket and staring up at the cloud-free sky.

‘Nothing. Just living in the moment.’ I haven’t told him anything about my messed-up family. Not yet. This is the first time I’ve been able to just be me, without the stigma of what I’ve left behind.

Craig smiles. ‘So, I was thinking… My parents are coming over this weekend. I know it’s early days but maybe you could meet them? I know we’re kind of just friends at the moment, but what do you reckon?’

Technically, Craig and I are a bit more than ‘just friends’, even though we haven’t slept together. We spend most of our time with each other and I know he wants to be able to call me his girlfriend, but he respects my boundaries too much to push it. I’ve explained to him that I just don’t want us to label anything, because as far as I can tell, that’s when things go to shit.

‘Yeah, why not?’ I say. ‘They’ll probably hate me, but what the hell?’

‘Are you kidding? They’ll love you.’

‘Just don’t get your hopes up. And I’m not taking out my nose stud. I’m not going to try and pretend I’m someone or something else.’

Craig laughs. ‘I wouldn’t want you to – I want them to see who you really are. Look, they’re really not judgemental at all, Josie. They’re cool and I know you’ll like them.’

He doesn’t know my track record with parents, even my own. ‘Well, I’ll try to be on my best behaviour, just for you.’

I sit up so I can eat my sandwich and there, right in front of me, sitting on the bench opposite us, is Zach Hamilton. He’s staring at us but looks away when he notices I’ve seen him. I don’t know how long he’s been there, but I’m sure that bench was empty when we sat down.

Despite everything, my stomach flips over. It’s one thing seeing Zach in lectures, where I can prepare myself, but to suddenly catch sight of him like this messes me up. I thought he’d stopped coming to the park, just to avoid me, but clearly he must be over whatever he was wrestling with.

Beside me, Craig hasn’t noticed Zach and continues eating his lunch. I’m glad he’s not inside my head; knowing my thoughts would really hurt him. I try my best to ignore Zach being a few metres away from us, but when Craig’s phone rings and he’s distracted with the call, I can’t help but watch Zach. He’s jotting down notes and I wonder how close he is to finishing his book.

I don’t even notice Craig is off his phone until he grabs the sandwich from my hand and shoves it into his mouth.

‘Hey, I wanted that!’ I push him gently and he fakes a backwards fall and lands on his elbows.

‘That’s abuse, that is!’

‘Yeah? So is stealing someone’s sandwich!’

We’re both laughing, but I can feel Zach’s eyes on us and when I steal a quick glance in his direction I see that I’m right.

‘Shall we head back?’ Craig says. ‘I’ve got a tutorial in a few minutes.’

As we leave the park we walk straight past Zach’s bench but I don’t even acknowledge him. Craig does, of course, and nods to him before taking hold of my hand. And secretly I’m pleased that he has done this.

---

‘I hope you don’t think your boyfriend can stay over.’

I’ve only just stepped through the door when Alison launches her attack. It’s as if she’s been standing right here waiting for me to get home, even though she would have had no idea what time that would be. She’s got worse over the last few weeks and takes every opportunity to demonstrate her hatred of me. Despite what I heard her saying about me on the phone, I’ve tried to make an effort, even stocking the kitchen cupboards with enough food for both of us when I can afford it, but nothing works with her.

‘First, I assume you’re talking about Craig, but you’ve got it wrong.’ There’s no way she means Zach, the two of us have barely spoken lately, which at least means she probably won’t report him for anything now. ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I continue, ‘and second, if I want him to stay in my room then he can. Any time he likes.’

I expect her to shrink into herself now that I’ve put her in her place, but I’m forgetting that this is the new Alison, the one who actually stands up to people. But she’s wrong if she thinks anything she says can get to me.

‘I think you’ll find we’re not allowed to have people staying the night, Josie. Check your tenancy agreement. That’s grounds for being chucked out.’

She’s so smug as she says this that for the briefest second I want to slap the smile from her bony face. But then I remind myself to turn my anger to pity, because as difficult as my life has been, I would never trade places with Alison.

‘I don’t have time for this, Alison, and neither do you, I’m sure.’

‘Oh, sorry, am I keeping you from valuable drinking time? I can imagine how hard it must be to have your problem.’

I won’t rise to her bait. ‘Actually, I haven’t touched any alcohol for weeks now. Sorry to disappoint you.’

As I walk away I expect a reply, but there is only silence. And it only occurs to me much later to wonder how she knows anything about Craig when I’ve never mentioned him and he’s never been to the flat when she’s been at home.

---

I should have known better than to think things could go smoothly, that the peace I was feeling could last, and now, as I lock up the coffee shop and turn around to find Zach standing behind me, I know for sure there is trouble ahead.

‘Can we talk?’ he says. He looks stressed; there are dark circles around his eyes and it looks like he hasn’t shaved for days. He’s always been clean-cut, well groomed, so to see him like this is a shock.

‘I thought we had nothing more to say to each other outside of uni?’ I don’t want to give him a hard time but I’ve had it up to here with his mind games. I know he’s not doing anything on purpose, but he must realise what he’s been doing to me.

‘This is important, Josie. Shall we go for a drive? I’m in the car park over there.’ He points across the road.

‘No, I don’t think so.’ I put the keys in my bag. ‘I’ve got to be somewhere.’ This is a lie: Craig is working tonight and my only plans are to go home and crash out.

‘How about a walk then?’

He sounds so desperate I can’t help but give in. ‘Okay. Five minutes.’

We cross the road and head away from the coffee shop. It’s still light even though it’s past 7 p.m. ‘So are you and Craig together now?’ Zach asks, trying to sound casual.

I focus on the pavement and try not to look at him. ‘No. Yeah. Kind of, I suppose. Why?’

He shrugs. ‘I’ve just seen you around together a lot. Is he treating you well?’

‘What kind of question is that? He’s a nice guy. What’s this about, Zach? What are you doing here?’ And now I do look at him, hoping to find clues in his face because his words are giving nothing away.

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, Josie, I just… I miss our chats, I guess. How have you been? I’ve been worried about you.’

We pass a bar I know well and I try to ignore the sudden urge to rush in and have a drink. ‘Well, there’s no need. I haven’t heard from Liv or Richard and as far as I know, Kieren’s okay. So I guess life’s going well right now.’ But I’m sure it will catch up with me soon. I’ve been avoiding thinking about Richard but he’s not going to let his cousin rot in jail if he can do anything about it. But, again, I bury that thought.

Zach nods. ‘Good, good. I’m glad to hear that. Maybe they came to their senses and realised how much trouble they could get into by threatening you.’

I stop walking and turn to face him. ‘Zach, what’s going on? You’re acting really weird.’ And then I laugh because I’m talking to my lecturer as if he’s another student, or as if we are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Zach seems shocked. ‘What’s funny?’ He must be confused, because there’s really nothing funny going on here at all. It’s all very sad.

‘Nothing’s funny, Zach. Just tell me why you wanted to talk to me.’

‘I told you, I’ve been worried about you.’ He looks around. ‘Can we keep walking?’

‘Yeah, when you start talking.’

But he doesn’t, and after a few moments I head off anyway, knowing that soon enough he’ll be by my side again. And here he is.

‘How’s your wife, Zach? And the little one?’

He smiles. ‘Mia’s great. And Freya, well, she’s certainly got a lot of spirit.’

That’s it. Nothing is ever going to change here. ‘Well, it’s great that we’ve had this chat, but I really need to go now. So, see you at uni.’ I start to walk off, but he grabs my arm.

‘I’m jealous, okay? I’m fucking jealous, Josie, and it’s messing me up. Screwing with my head. I love my family, I really love my life, so why the fuck am I jealous of you being with Craig?’

His words stun me into silence, and he, too, seems shocked that he’s said them. But they are out there now and can’t be taken back. He can never unsay what he’s just admitted to me.

‘Oh, Josie, shit! I’m so sorry, I had no right to say that to you.’ He clutches his head. ‘Please, forget I said it.’

But I can’t; I never will. Because he’s just confirmed, finally, unequivocally, that what I’ve been feeling hasn’t been futile. It hasn’t just been some childish infatuation, this has been real. I am not some silly girl with a crush on her lecturer, I have felt this way about Zach because he has too.

A young couple holding hands walks past, so he lowers his voice. ‘I know this is crazy, but I do really love my wife, and I’d never do anything to hurt her. But inside, I have all these… these feelings – and I just have to try and crush them. They’re dangerous, Josie. For everyone. But I can do it, I can carry on and not act on anything because it’s the right thing to do. Oh God, I’m so sorry.’

‘Will you stop apologising? You practically told me all of this already, that night at my flat.’

He shakes his head. ‘But I never said it out loud. Saying it brings it to life, makes it into something harmful, and I was trying not to do that. In all honesty, I didn’t plan to tell you just now. I suppose I just wanted to know you’re okay, and that Craig’s being good to you.’

‘I don’t need protecting, Zach. I’ve done a pretty good job of looking after myself all these years.’

‘Yeah, Little Miss Tough Nut, you certainly have.’ He pats my arm to show me he’s saying this affectionately. ‘And I know you’ll be okay, but that doesn’t stop me worrying. Or caring.’

‘Zach, you’d better go. Go home to your wife and your little girl. I think we’ve said all we need to say here. But I promise you, I’m doing okay. And Craig, he’s a good guy.’

Seconds pass before Zach speaks again and in that time he studies my face, as if he’s taking one last look at me, as if he’ll never see me again. ‘I’m glad to hear that, Josie. I just want you to be happy.’

‘Goodbye, Zach.’

I watch him walk away, and feel as though my insides are being torn apart, shredded into a thousand tiny pieces.