Sean needed to learn that he moved liked clunked metal, and when he had gotten up to leave, I was aware. He had such an intense glare, but was easy to fool in so many ways. Sean felt I had fallen asleep, but I was waiting to see what he would do. I knew he had his mind on the child and it kept him from coming close to me.

The whole night he was distant and awake. And I only pretended to sleep because I was unsure if this would be it for me with Sean. I nearly started to hyperventilate as Sean’s anxiety started to spread its toxins and stirred the baby. I was sure it knew that its father to be was struggling with demons of responsibility.

I didn’t have any more fight left in me. The date had gone well. The sex was electrifying with my reached climax, and we had grown closer from it. There was a bridge repaired between us. So, what more could he bloody want now? This is what scared me about Sean. He just raked the leaves, but to what point would they form into a pile? I felt both confused and aroused by his up-and-leave persona, but when it came down to it, I had no choice but to accept that his ways weren’t going to change.

Sean left…and I stirred just before he closed the door and stampeded down my stairs. His idea of quiet sucked. But I told myself that was it, he wasn’t coming back this time and there was nothing more I can do. I literally gave that pep talk and slumbered to sleep, only to wake up again and here the tap going downstairs and activity in the living room.

It was Sean! And I leaped out of my bed and ran to open my room door; but stopped and gave a quick peek— but ended up smelling the strong smell of heated chicken that he must’ve overcooked. That smell triggered me all the way to the bathroom and I stood above the toilet seat, but no flooding came out the pipe. I had to be sure, so I gave it a few more seconds and then went back to my room: tiptoeing and then got back into bed.

I changed my mind about falling back to sleep, and that’s when Sean came back up.

“Are you going somewhere, Robbie?” Sean came further in, but left my room door open.

“After I fix my bed I’m going to be leaving.”

“Do you want me to—”

“No. No. Let me fix it. I’m not incompetent. I can still use my hands.”

“After how you used them last night I was unsure.”

“It was good. You can be proud, Sean.”

“Oh, I am! But so, should you.”

“I’m all smiles. I just wasn’t sure what I would find the next day—”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“How did you know I was referring to you?”

“What else could you mean?”

“I could mean many things. And it doesn’t have to always be about you.”

“Hey—”

I answered with a short tempered, “What?”

“Are you going through symptoms again? Of course, it’s not all about me. I was just suggesting—”

“That it was basically about you!”

Sean held his mouth open with no reply.

“This happens to be a special day for me. Well it’s a regular thing I do, but…it takes a big chunk out of my day. I’ll be starving after it internally.” I carried on fluffing the pillows and Sean came over to take one off me, but I tugged it back. “I said I’ll do it!”

“Ok!” There should’ve been a chill-out coming from his reaction. “You have something to do today and it’s obviously very important for you. I’m want to be there.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah!”

“Hold that side of the duvet for me and let me just straighten it, Sean.” I flung it up high and it settled onto the bed like a falling leaf. Sean flattened one end and I did the other. Sean wouldn’t be too dire in terms of chores. I grabbed some clothes from my cupboard and walked past Sean to head to the bathroom.

When I got back with my navy-blue fleece, Sean had jumped up from the bed in a fright and straightened it down again. “I was just relaxing a little.”

“And you didn’t have to stop. You can stay here it’s no problem.”

“Na I want to join you. I’d only be in and out of your home and that’s not productive for me.”

“Ok.”

“Where will we be going though?”

I ignored Sean because that was my business. “You might want to wear something a little warmer than that. Did you really go out there with no jacket?”

“I told you I don’t feel the cold.”

“Well for my sake, please wear a jacket and let’s go. You’re making me shiver-me-timbers by just glaring at you!”

“Then don’t look!”

Sean had no sense of what the cold could inflict, even if his immune system and body temperature was better than half the Alaskans over twenty-five. It was a mission to get Sean out of his stubbornness, so when he did get in that long-sleeved jacket I was waiting for him in my car with my window wound down.

“Do you want to take my bike?”

“I think it’s best that I take the Peugeot.”

Sean walked around to the passenger door and got in.

“Don’t you feel a little warmer?”

“I’m probably going to take this off when we get to where we need to. Provided it isn’t going to be colder?”

Sean was digging with that question, but I wasn’t prepared to answer, so I put the car into neutral and got that ignition ready with my key. I never parked inside my garage because it was packed with boxes from… I didn’t need to think of that now as I reversed down the drive and came upon the road.

I had to make a stop for gas and Sean offered to pay with his card that he hung out the window for me as I secured the nozzle into the gas port. “Least I can do.”

“Put your card away Sean. I’ll pay for this.”

“No.” Sean came out the car. “If I say I want to pay for you gas, then please give me the pleasure of doing that? It’s not a hindrance for me. I’m good to go with the cash flow.”

“I’ve never been comfortable with accepting money from others. Even—”

Sean went over to the pay with his debit. “How much are you putting in?”

“You just can’t take no for an answer can you! I tell you I’m fine to pay for the gas and you’re now over there keying in the amount. I won’t let you know how much—”

But Sean called back, “I paid for twenty.” Then he went back into the car and waited until my Peugeot hit the twenty margin and cut-off. “See, wasn’t a problem.”

I shut the door and Sean gave me a satisfied smirk that didn’t improve my disposition. “Thanks.” And I found thanks wasn’t an easy word to execute. “That’s more than enough for where I need to get to.”

“How many miles are we talking?”

“You’re a man who likes surprises, Sean. And I reckon you have a good mapping in that head of yours.”

Sean tried to play innocent. “Can I get the meaning of that?”

“If I told you how many miles you’d probably work out where I was headed.”

“You can trust me. That’s all I want you to do.”

“I trust you, Sean. But this is how I like to deal with things: on my own. But you being here is a nice addition to my common terminus.”

And that terminus rode on-and-on-and-on with Sean skimming the radio for some decent music without the advertisements. “I can’t find anything decent. All they ever play is repeats.” Sean got tired of tuning the radio and found the open road more pleasurable. “I’m not used to being in the passenger seat.”

“I’m not used to driving another man to this location.”

“We can’t be heading to Canada because that would take almost thirty-eight hours and is over one thousand miles.”

“It’s in Fairbanks, I’ll give you that much.”

“And do you often make this trip?”

“As much as I can spare, yeah.”

I’d lost count on how many times I’d been back and forth to Fairbanks in the past year, and it never got any easier. When that line crossed, and Juneau was no more, I felt that tumbleweed blow across my vision. And it would keep on going until I reached that destination and got out my car.

But I wasn’t going to Fairbanks. It was closer to Haines because that’s where it happened. That’s where my I would be ringing the bus bell.

“You’re not going to Fairbanks, are you?”

“It’s in that direction so you should be content with that.”

“I’m not going to ask you anymore, Robbie.” Sean drowsily sulked, but it didn’t sway my decision to keep this close to my heart.

“You’ll see when we get there, Sean. Lay back and sleep and I’ll wake you when we reach our destination. I can tell that you’re tired.”

* * *

As Sean slept and I waited to board the Juneau ferry to Haines, I reminisced back to why this lengthy five-hour trip was so important to me.

“You said you had word for me, Terry?”

Terry was the leader of the Rushown leopards and took refuge in a lodge by a nearby creek just on the edge of Juneau. It was the perfect retreat to gain quick access to the Juneau ferry for other members. And I was often aiding any expeditions that the Rushown leopards would be undertaking.

The plan was to visit Haines and have a word with a rival pack about peace. The Rushown leopards were new on the map and wanted to freely move from Haines to Juneau without any hiccups that plagued their travels. It was risky, and the bitterness started all because Terry’s older brother Floyd had an ego that could melt an igloo.

And Boris, who lived in Haines, only suggested that the leopards and the alchipas: a rare leopard with the whitest of fur and yellow spots – and also Boris’s pack, would be free to mate and mingle with one another. But Floyd found this blasphemous and laughed him into a dispute that made the whole affair a bastard without a father.

It was discrimination and carried on for two years bringing plenty of casualties with it. Terry was hoping to change that. “I just wanted to see your face before it all kicked off tonight.”

“We’ve got at least five hours until the rest of them come.”

“And each time I’m unsure if I’ll come back or not with them. How long have we been soul-bonded for?”

Terry had always tasked me with the bookkeeping and paperwork that needed to be done whenever pack members would be crossing over. Most of the pack wanted to live in Haines because of its remote stance and room for opportunity. I had all their bank account details, referees on call for references, payment plan decisions, credit score, and everything else when they would enquire about housing.

“We’ve been soul-bonded for three years now, Terry. Why do you always ask me this a few hours before boarding that ferry?”

“I like to remind myself of how happy it is to come back and find you here.”

I was stroppy with Terry that evening and I had no reason to be. It was just the glitches in my personality that would need tweaking when dealing with him and the pack. It was a different Terry in the building when he became the all superior Alpha male. At home, with me and Lucas, he was a torch that lit the way.

But here, in this rented creek lodge, he was a melancholic and predicting iris that saw nothing positive from crossing over. And it made me painfully uncomfortable to hear him negative all the time with no timeout. I never wanted to paint a sordid picture of loss. But he prepared me each time for the worst outcome.

“When you talk like that Terry, you bring chills to my finger tips and toes.”

“Talk like what?”

“Coming back. Like you always expect not to.”

“I hate the whole rivalry bravado. What has it done but create dents? Juneau’s community needs repairing. And half the time I’m helping my pack get to Haines for free. And the damn things I hear when I get there…it makes me worried.”

“Then quit the pack and let’s go on that trip to Canada like we promised Lucas!”

“I can’t just quit a pack, Robbie. It’s my natural-instinct to rule them. I have a duty to be ahead of their marching band. Who else will be able to run it better than me?”

“You drunkenly said Lucas once. And to change the subject back to our son, what is this word that you wanted to speak to me about?”

Terry bit into a golden delicious apple and sat on the desk as I sorted it. We had the lodge setup like a walk-in reception where shifters visited and would see me then a fake head of a moose above with large antlers to hang hats and scarves on.

It wasn’t the biggest inside, but the fireplace was always burning, and a pile of wood held firm in a black metallic lodge holder. There was also a red mat with a white outline that said welcome. And most appreciated the friendliness of how mine and Terry’s lodge worked.

“You know Lucas has been bugging me to come along to see what I do as head of the pack. Well, I thought tonight, instead of spreading my doom and gloom, why not take him along for the ride?”

“With how you talk, it’s best he stays put!”

“He needs to get an idea of who he is—”

“Yes. But Lucas is more a bookworm then actually into all of that.”

“He’s a bookwork who enjoys a little tussle. You know Lucas can give it his best in a fight if he had to.”

“Lucas doesn’t need to fight—”

“No, you’re right. And meeting with Boris will be far from a confrontation.”

One thing Terry had a habit of doing is answering his own question before bringing it to me. “Lucas is on his way here tonight, isn’t he?”

“He’ll be coming with the whole pack.”

“So why bother asking me then, Terry? You’ve already decided that he’s coming.” I had gotten up and grabbed my own golden delicious from the fruit bowl. “Just make sure you watch him the entire time you cross over.”

“Do you doubt my abilities as his father?”

I came close to Terry and looked him straight in the eye before taking a couple of huge bites out of my very sweet but juicy apple. Then I held the apple out for Terry to bite…he nearly took the apple out of my hands with his choppers and gave me a hearty smile whilst he chewed and swallowed a few seconds later.

“Lucas is lucky to have a father who does exactly as his Omega says.”

I bit that apple and watched Terry’s grin grow larger and larger. And it was highly contagious. And before I could move in to kiss him, a rapid knock came on the lodge door that startled us, but I answered it because in walked five members of the pack and Lucas dressed in a warm hat that nearly covered his whole forehead; black gloves that he kept trying to take off; and a scarf coiled round him to secure that heat.

I gave Lucas the biggest hug I could muster, then shook all the members’ hands before they sat down with some warm cocoa made by me and prepared themselves to take the trip across. There was no bad omen in the air, or word that ill behaviour would be waiting once they crossed. All I remembered hearing was one member called Saul, determine that it was rumoured of random attacks being executed for no apparent reason by the Alchipas.

But Terry disputed this, “Na, if the Alchipas attack then they have a motive to do so. I can’t see Boris attacking without no word of mouth. The guy might be a dunce with a peanut for a brain, but he has morals.”

All disagreed in the room. And I just watched Lucas read one of his books on algebra and felt proud. He spotted me looking and held the book up like I needed confirmation that he carried his homework with him. And that was the worst of it when I thought back to see Lucas and Terry leave: my son holding the last ever book that he would learn from.

I didn’t even have that much to say to him when he left. I just kissed Lucas on the forehead and took for granted that he would be coming back home to me. I kissed Terry on the lips and he led the pack outside. I followed soon after to drive home in the Peugeot with the radio on. I remembered the song clearly, but forgot the name of it. But it had an annoying hook that Terry would change over the instant he heard it.

I slept like a baby. And the next morning, even though there was no word from Terry — didn’t bother me in the slightest. I got on with my day, got ready for work with the whole brushing teeth; washing face; shaving; plucking eyebrows; and then made some eggs and beans and boiled the kettle. And that took me nearly an hour, and still I felt Terry would call me soon.

My shift was six-hours, but I cut it down to four with a lie that I had a stomach bug. The manager believed me. “Yeah go ahead. We should be fine for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Thanks, Martin. I’ll do a double when nobody else wants to play with that gamble.”

“No worries.”

I went to grab my coat, and Martin decided to turn the radio a little higher…but then he lowered it because he was a news hater. But I knew what I heard. And it caused me to drop my jacket onto the floor.

I didn’t ask for permission to turn it up, but when Martin saw my distraught face, he moved aside readily and let the woman broadcast the news. “Tragic news of a recent attack in Haines that has left multiple injuries and a steady body count. The attack that took place was said to be pack related: between two rival gangs that have been at odds for the last two years. The ambush came when the leopard shifters from Juneau disembarked from the ferry and travelled not too far…but ended up being ravaged as the numbers were ten to five.

The police have said that some bodies have gone missing. As only two pack members are rumoured to be dead. And the rest, although a wide spread search is happening as we speak, is still proving to be a difficult task. They ask that any friends or family from the pack in Juneau make their way to Haines to let them identify the bodies that are so far unaccountable for.”

I drove like the end of the world was chasing me in a tornado. And calls were coming through to me about what had happened. I put them all on hold, even though their soulbonds and partners could be enquiring. I nearly crashed twice. Got a speeding ticket, had an argument with the guard who asked if I was drunk because I was acting hysterical. And tried not to drive off as soon as the ferry docked.

But it all slowed down once I reached the incident and saw the wreckage. They had been forced out of their vehicles and chased: judging by the way the police spaced out the crime area. There were a few reporters, and I saw Haines residents observing the blood and carnage. I approached a policeman.

“Hi, excuse me?”

The policeman was polite. “We’ll have to ask you to leave the scene, Sir, unless you’re a family member or friend?”

“I’m…my husband and son were in that vehicle last night. Has there been any sighting on them?”

“Can we have your name?”

“I’m Robbie.”

“And the names of your son and husband?”

“Um …” My mind went blank as I sighted the police who were trekking and taking baby steps. “Their names are Lucas and Terry.”

“And they were members of this pack? Are you also affiliated?”

“Yes. The Rushown leopards. I am the accountant.”

“Thanks for the name. You’re the first to actually supply us with it.”

“So, what’s happened?”

“There’s two dead. And three missing. If you say your son was out here, then he’s certainly one that we need to find. Maybe we can have your help in identifying the names of the bodies we have?”

I held my breath the entire time and didn’t care if I passed out. The white sheets that had been stained by the dry grass covered them. And I had to control my emotions when the first sheet came off and it wasn’t Terry underneath. It was David. And he was barely twenty-six years old. He was the fairest skinned, with inclined cheekbones and a gift for debate that came naturally. Terry had thought David could be a lawyer because he had such confidence when handling rival gibberish.

The next sheet forced me to close my eyes. David was in a bad condition with one eye gouged out and a chunk of his skull missing, but this body, after I found the courage to see the light, was mauled to the state of being a meal for the rival pack.

He had more than fifty bites and they’d done a rugged number on his legs. The shifter was Georgie with a Scottish accent who lost it when he came to Canada. He was the oldest: thirty-four, liked a pub and fishing, but was loyal when any Rushown shifter needed backup. He had two kids and an Omega.

I was sad for David and Georgie. I hadn’t gotten to know them, but from what Terry told me, they were good friends of his. I gave the policemen contact numbers for their families. And then was taken to the vehicle where the windows had been smashed and claw marks were the extent of the damage.

It was then that I choked when I saw the algebra booklet in the backseat. I wasn’t allowed to contaminate any bits of evidence, but I was pleading for my son’s books. The policeman said that after analysing the book he would personally mail it back to me. And he did. When I unwrapped it a few days later, I’d stared at it for a good twenty minutes.

And there was nothing much that the police could do in regard to Boris and his pack. They had left Haines. Where to? Only they would know. They weren’t human. And their movements would be hard to scale without careful precision on what climate they could successfully mate in. I had tried to seek help from the council, but their advice was to hire an expert tracker and send him on the chase.

But Terry told me that Boris’s pack was rare. And if they ever moved on it would take years for them to show their faces. And that was it! I was destined to never know what happened to my family! When friends of Terry had asked, I simply replied that he left me on a long holiday and forgot his card.

I now pulled up to the cemetery that wasn’t packed enough when the funerals of Georgie and David took place a few years ago. It was so melodramatic and miserable. And the families vowed to never join a pack again. It was a bold thing to declare in the Alaskan community, and my solitude and singledom was done in the backgrounds after it had finished.

I let Sean sleep a little longer as I drove the path to the designated spot. It was never easy coming in here. Grave after grave had headstones of various shapes and sizes. But in the end, the dead sleep peacefully with no need for a top dollar to be spent on one. When I reached, I jerked Sean awake, and he got up with an inactive mainframe trying to process how he slept for so long.

But Sean saw where we were. And I got out the Peugeot; closed the door; started to walk; and was joined by Sean who caught up rapidly.

“I come here to talk with my family when I can afford the time to make the trip. I do it twice a week and maybe more. The past few years they’ve been the only consultation I’ve had.”

“I uh…I …”

I gave Sean a weary and sad smile. “You don’t need to say anything.”

Sean took my hand and I felt secure as we walked along the elevated green grass with the chapel a good distance away that was packed with the death of somebody’s mother. Sean and I heard the sermon and the hymns that they were singing. I was never a big believer in burials, cremation was more my idea.

Sean and I walked past graves that could depict a celebrity had passed. One thumbnail-curved gravestone was taller than Sean with text engraved for a wealthy shifter in the Alaskan community. He had left as a father, grandfather, and loving Alpha. I didn’t know Earlon personally, but he was fair with his money when it came to giving back in to the community.

The poorer gravestones barely had a flower sticking out a vase, and a Beta who had been sick for a very long time was one of them, but I heard his family had managed to work a deal to get the lowest priced headstone they could afford. I knew of Clinton and was sad to hear when he died after battling pneumonia.

I let go off Sean’s hand once I saw the graves of David and Georgie. He hung back, and I advanced to pay my respects as I always did to their passing. The families wanted Georgie and David right next to each other…and next to them were the headstones I had come to visit.

* * *

Before I’d gotten ready for David’s burial ceremony, I had paid a visit to his partner Paul who lived in a two-bedroom log cabin that was all on one level. I’d loved to visit in the past because of the view it had where the ferries and boats would regularly cross and if the people on board spotted the onlooker they’d wave and smile sincerely.

There were also plenty of squirrels that climbed Paul’s and David’s cabin with acorns being chomped with their razor sharp teeth. Inside was the product of a newlywed couple and smelt like roasted hazelnuts and acorns in the early morning. They loved nuts, and plenty of empty buckets would be outside their home because they would wash their trucks with the water from the river every few days.

Paul had sent for me because he wanted to talk about how I was doing after the attack. He was the main Omega who understood what I was going through. He had even offered to come down to the council for me because I had to declare what status I was within the community. I had professed to be being pack-less, and that was the equivalent of untouchable.

When I got to Paul’s cabin, a few cars departed with whole families inside. Mainly Alphas and their partners. They were all heading to board the ferry to Haines. The funeral wasn’t for a few hours yet, but some were keen to crossover. And none seemed to pay me any attention as they passed my Peugeot.

I peered out my window to give a small wave, as I knew many of them. But I guess my segregation since the attack had both offended and left them cold with me. I didn’t care, everybody had their own way of dealing with things. Mine pissed them off and that was their issue, not mine! I toughened my grip on my steering wheel and would enter Paul’s home because he had left the door open for me.

When I walked in it hit me…the smell of roasted acorn and hazelnut milk that had been grinded in a blender and crushed. Paul was pouring some into his porridge that was steaming. There was a bowl ready for me which I appreciated as I was famished. I added some brown sugar and a treacle of honey. At first, he just ate with his eyes low and no words.

I knew Paul was going through thorns and weeds, because they’d only just got engaged, and then soul-bonded when David confessed his love to move the relationship to the next goal post. Paul was quieter than me with an introverted personality, so it was no wonder that others accepted his segregated approach.

The porridge was delicious. But my taste buds were blander than no seasoning on a well-cooked chicken. My appetite needed help, and Paul only played with his food to.

“How…how you been?” Paul’s tone was heavier than the stress that was aligned on his face.

“On sleeping pills. I’m going to try and come off them next week. But I’m never able to fall asleep without them. And my eating patterns have changed, as well as me wanting to leave our…I mean…my home. I need to get used to everything being singular again.”

“I’ve been taking the same medication.” Paul had his head back down. “I just can’t sleep.”

“You’ve done well with the funeral arrangements.”

“His parents paid for most of it.” Paul swirled and swirled his porridge. And then lifted his spoon and dumped the oats back in the bowl that fell in plops. “I haven’t had much input at all. That was some of them who just left.”

“Yeah. I think they’d prefer me not to come.”

“Hmm. But I want you there, so they have no say over that.”

I knew they didn’t care for my presence.

“You’ve always been more outspoken than me, Robbie, what do you make of the attack?”

“They killed two and kidnapped three.”

Paul rested the spoon in his bowl. “But why? Why did they kill two and kidnap three?”

“My guess is that…” My throat had a blockage. And Paul understood because so did he. He gave me time to clear my passage. “Terry and Lucas…their disappearance is no doubt in my mind the last we’ll see of Boris.”

Paul picked up his spoon again. “They could still be ali—”

“Paul that’s what everybody is saying. But my instincts tell me that the police just need to hire girl scouts that could do the job better. I think Terry and Lucas…” The blockage came, and I rubbed my Adam’s apple. But this time I preferred to not finish.

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

“You can. Because even if I haven’t got two bodies to bury… Terry and Lucas are never coming back to me.”

I had another introspective thought on the attack, and that’s what kept me from the pack’s families who were closer now than ever. I did hold onto some belief that Lucas, more so than Terry, was alive when I went to sleep and rushed down the stairs in the morning thinking he and Terry had come through the door.

I’d end up mid-way on the steps and just stare until I became thirsty. And after a week of that, I concluded that there was no point in wishing on a whim. And Lucas and Terry would never come back. And the pictures in my living room, in the kitchen, and in my bedroom were only ghosts of what they would always appear like: young.

The funeral, which I gave Paul a lift to was unbearable with him next to me. We were the only two who felt a connection over this. I liked David, and David liked my family. The numbers were big, with members from the council and Alaskan Betas and Omegas showing their unknown faces out of respect.

It was in the news as a building block to a better society. But I scoffed with Paul when I told him on the way to the chapel. We knew that if they could vote, many would keep things unchangeable around Fairbanks, Juneau, and Anchorage. And even if it happened in Haines, many still felt it was a local neighbour that had lost its kin.

The whole ceremony I kept to myself. And Paul sat with me to encourage that. He barely entertained the respects and condolences, because the main family were the main spokespersons and handled the reef, the songs, the speeches, and even the walk behind the hearse. I knew Paul wanted a bigger role and that was eating at him, but he was a quiet guy and would not say anything.

At the gravesite when they lowered David’s body into the ground…

“Robbie. Robbie, can I have a word with you?” The woman who wanted me to come away from the crowd was Liza, and she was Terry’s second cousin.

I didn’t know any of his family had come so I followed out of curiosity. “I didn’t know they invited you.”

“Paul gave me an invitation, so I thought I would show.”

“Are you ok?”

“There was something on the news that I just about glimpsed before I left to come here—”

“What?”

“They’ve found Terry and Lucas.”

* * *

Sean now came to stand next to me. And I read out to him with tears that started to stream, “Here lies Terry and Lucas. Gone, but forever young.” My hand was pointed at their headstones for Sean to feel the empathy that was running through me for their loss. “My husband…Terry…”

Sean offered me a tissue, and I immediately wiped my face, but these eyes depicted a burning-passionate-red. I felt puffy minutes later as Sean supported me with his arm around my shoulder.

I blew my nose…and then took my one-minute silence with my family. Sean left me alone for that. Then came back with his arm ready to support me again. I practically scrambled the words out, “Sean, you see…this is…this is…this is why I need to keep this child. A second chance. They want me to have another attempt at a family. I didn’t think the day would ever come when I would feel the symptoms of life in my stomach. You understand that right?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t want to keep you here cuffed. But I’m keeping this baby and that’s the final time I’m going to say it.”

Sean had a cloudiness about him, like a thought bubble was processing everything into his final statement. “I wasn’t aware that you’d found your family after the attack. So, this is a shocker.”

“Yeah. It was a shocker for me when I got the news from his second cousin Liza.”

Sean listened.

“When she came to David’s funeral, I knew it was bad news. I just knew it. And then she mentioned that Terry and Lucas had been found and my heart sank to the South Pole. And I kept it there and didn’t come back for many months. Because the thing is, they didn’t find the bodies. But what they did bring to me and Liza were wet clothes that had been found in a secluded area of a river floating above the water.”

“And what about the bodies?”

“No trace, was the fisherman’s words when Liza asked him the same question.”

“Hopefully they skimmed the whole river?”

“There’s only so much river they can search, and even if they did, how vast would it be. And how much time and money would they want to invest? Terry was just another Alpha who got unlucky with his trip to Haines. And he took our son with him, and I’m partly to blame for that consequence.”

“Nobodies to blame but the pack that attacked you without warning.”

“Ah, I know that now. Before I blamed myself and Terry. I always blamed Terry for the little things. And now, even with that being his biggest blunder, I see that he made mistakes. I made mistakes. And it’s just a natural occurrence that we all have to correct.”

“This child, our child, is a new beginning for us both.”

“I’m glad you can see how important—”

Sean stopped me mid-sentence and hugged the tears out of me. “I’ve been wanting to do that all morning!” He kept his arms around me. “You know I drove out to that lake this morning. Well, I had a long think about my free-riding with no responsibility. And, to be fair, I want a change. And I’ve been looking for that change ever since I drove through Anchorage and Redwood. I found the excuse that will stick me here for good.”

I held Sean tighter. “Does that mean you want the baby?”

“Yeah. I think it would be a nice thing to raise a kid. And especially with somebody who could do with a proper family again.”

“And what about your freedom? Your lifestyle?”

Sean let me go and had a good look at me. “Hey, I’m not saying I’m Mr. Perfect, but I want to take care of you both.” His eyes fell to my stomach and it stayed there. “I was never going to abandon you, Robbie. I had a plan to work it out with a visit every month or week. But these past few days you’ve showed me so much of yourself and I don’t want to leave you.”

“I can’t get over how sweet you can be.” I squeezed his abs. “You’re not just all muscle.”

“There’s a heart in here too.” Sean kissed me on the forehead. “But… I mean…your family. I understand that they’ll always be a part of you, but I’m hoping we can move on and look to the future. As sad as it sounds, you need to move on from the past. Don’t take it the wrong way or nothing, I just…I want this to work. But if you’re stuck in the past then we’ll struggle to be happy.”

“If you’re staying, Sean, then I’m happy to build a new family from scratch. But you need to accept that they’ll always be a part of me. No matter what I do.”

Sean gave a quiet, “Ok.”

“What confirmed it all for you?”

“Last night. After we had the date and then went back to your place. Two strikes and both times you hit the high notes! Sexual compatibility is hard to come by. But you know that’s only a small fraction of why I’m staying, right?”

“Of course, I know!” I poked Sean in the shoulder for being silly. “I hope this kid can put up with your sense of humour!”

Sean kissed me unexpectedly on the lips and then removed them with a smile. “If you can manage it, then anybody can.” Sean changed his gaze to a more serious channel. The comedian was off on a coffee break. “Let’s look to the future. Can you promise me that, Robbie?”

“Onwards to the future. And let’s see what will happen!”

Chapter 12-Sean

After the cemetery, we ended up getting a bite to eat at a café that wasn’t too far from the ferry and sold scones that were harder than rocks. We had a taster, but nothing was close, and we didn’t want to miss the next available ferry. Plus, the coffee looked drinkable and it came in a deal.

The scones were… “Do you…uh, make these yourself?”

“I do.” The woman was delivering two large scones with cream and jam to an Alpha and Omega couple who acted as if they weren’t expecting a scone with their tea. When they tried to cut through it with a knife — I could see why they had a short-term memory bump.

She came back with a huge grin on her face. “So, you both want the coffee and scone deal?”

Robbie was seated, so it was me who had to make the decision.

“Anything that’s safer for the teeth? I have to see a dentist tomorrow.”

“These scones are nice and soft.”

Amazingly she didn’t take any offence to my jabs. I was controlling my tongue the best I could. “I’m sure one fell on the floor and created a hole.”

“Older age means I can deal with the insults that you keep inflicting.”

“I have a hard time with not saying the truth.”

“No customer has ever complained about my hardback scones. They might cause a concussion, but that’s only in the centre of your stomach because they’re so darn tasty.” The lady read that from the café’s motto: The only concussion you’ll get, is in the centre of your stomach.

“So, no customer ever complained about chipped teeth?”

I joined Robbie after that one, seemed old age didn’t improve her bad language and no taste for a joke. It was a joke! And here they came: hardback scones with three packets of butter for us. How stingy, we need a whole tub of it! She gave Robbie the politeness and ignored me with an air of distastefulness.

“What did you say to her?”

When I banged the scone on the saucer, Robbie gathered what I said to her. “I just wanted to enquire about health and safety with these things?” It nearly broke the plate when I bashed it.

Robbie held back the tickling giggle that was building from his stomach. “Try and eat it. Martha is good to Omegas and always has a scone ready and heated if you’re going through hard times.”

“She looks more suited for horseback with those old fashion breeches and a handkerchief tied like a scarf. I like the longer-than-her-legs-boots. The lady has style.”

“And you like her scones, don’t you Sean?”

“Does me not liking them come with a price?”

“I like Martha’s coffee. And the way she keeps cutting her eye at you…tells me that I won’t be very welcome here again.”

“I’ll apologize before we leave—”

“Good.”

I took the back of Robbie’s hand and just glared at his nails and joints. It was a weird thing to do, but compared to my own, his was softer than a bunny rabbit’s fur.

“We need to talk about what next in terms of this relationship?” I didn’t want to stop my thumb that circulated his knuckles and then passed over some of his veins that were lower.

“I’m not coming to California—”

“Why not?”

“My home is here, Sean. Juneau is where I see myself for now. I love it. And I don’t plan to leave.”

Martha came over with the coffees in wide cups sitting on a tray. I had no time to say sorry because she scurried off to serve a few more customers.

“That’s where I’m from—”

“Har-har. You’re not from Juneau. But you could be. And that means moving in with me.”

“You want me to move in with you?”

“If we’re going to be a family then being close to one another is paramount. I want to do it all properly. But again, it’s up to you and your decision. I can’t force you into doing something you don’t want to. I know nobody tells Sean what to do.” Robbie sipped his coffee and then got up to take more than four sachets of white sugar. He gave me two. “You’ll want to add that.”

When I tasted it, I got up to get another three sachets. And even after five it was bitter and milky. But no defeat could match the scones and their ability to break the jaws of a great white shark. “I want to say yes, but there is so much that I have to sort out back in California.”

“Like what?”

“My home for one. I live solo, but still, it takes time to get a home on the market – and to find a decent estate agency and valuation. And then there’s getting that certification on energy and putting it up on the net to get rid of.”

“There’s no rush, Sean. I can even help you out with all the finances because I’m an accountant.”

I sipped the lukewarm coffee. And with some stirring of the spoon, I actually found it to be a little sweeter. “It’s a big thing to move in with one another.”

“I know. Imagine, day after day of handling your disappearing act?”

“I thought you found that to be the sexiest thing about me?”

“With a kid it’s going to be quite scary.”

I grinned from behind the coffee with my eyes. “I haven’t said I’ll move in yet. There’s still time to run with our baby and hide away in Haines.”

Robbie’s words were a remedy that I hoped he didn’t want me to lose, “You can disappear, but don’t make it a magic trick that’s forever lasting.”

“I’m grateful that you’re not trying to change me.” I gave that coffee some love and didn’t put it down.

“You enjoy your space. And I have to accept that.”

“You sure are special, Robbie. And man!” I put that coffee down and shake my head in disbelief. “A few months ago, I was thinking Fairbanks would be a nice play to settle for a couple of months because trade there is so good. Then I would make my way to Canada and visit my uncle who wanted me to work on a couple of cars for him and he’d give me a nice chunk of money.”

“We can still do those things! And if you wanted to make that trip before coming home to me then that’s fine. I want you to be happy, Sean.”

“And I want to make as much money as I can for the baby!”

An announcement came from Martha, “The Haines ferry to Juneau will be departing in ten minutes.”

A handful of people got up and asked Martha for take-away cups – which she provided. And those who championed the art of lying, wanted a bag for their scrumptious scone. Robbie asked for one, and I merely said, keep baking scones that Alphas can use as missiles. I said that internally, and Robbie gave me a kiss on the cheek for taking my own scone and stuffing it into my pocket like a knuckleduster. It would catch dust, and that wouldn’t be my fault. Aboard the ferry I had split from Sean and made my way to the highest level to gaze out at the body of water. I leaned against the edge and breathed in the humidity that was cool when it breezed through my hair that was going to need a snip-snip-snip.

I had allowed it to reach my shoulders, and when I got back to California…

Robbie’s hand rested in the centre of my spine. And then he let his palm travel all the way down into my back pocket where he firstly tapped my bum and then put it back. “Don’t jump.” He nibbled my helix and then pecked my entire ear.

“If I did jump, I’d find California. Up here, I’m on my way to Juneau.”

“Then it sounds like Juneau is the one for you?”

“No doubt.” That phrase was skidding across the waters entire length. “Juneau and you, Robbie, is where I need to be.”

We went home to Robbie’s place. He slowly walked me to his bed and started taking my shirt off. I leaned in for a kiss. Next thing I know, he’s face down and I’m on top of him. I rocked back and forth, with my cock deep inside him. I could hear him moaning with pleasure.

Shortly after, I knotted inside him. It felt so damn good. I laid down next to him and held him. He turned and kissed me. I knew this was going to bring us even closer.

* * *

The arrangements for selling my home took longer than anticipated when I went back to California. I was back and forth with Robbie about dates when I would be back. The phone calls would be hours of planning around the birth; if a baby shower should happen? Did he want me to get my spare keys ready? And what would we name the child?

“When are you coming back home?”

“Friday the latest. I’m going to get an early flight.”

“Should I bring your cruiser?”

“Not with you having a passenger on board that can’t wear a helmet. Just hire a cab to meet me there. You don’t have to personally make the effort to come out when your cramps forced you to anticipate yoga for healing.”

I heard Robbie munching. “I’m starting to devour five chillies a day. And then with butter, I add them to a sandwich with nothing more, Sean. It’s the worse craving because I end up drinking so much water and barely make it to the bathroom. My stomach should be named Mount Everest.”

“Have you gotten bigger than the last picture you sent?” It was a medium shot of a topless Robbie with a swollen gut.

“A few inches, but the measuring tape reads the same. All I do is waddle and race geese who are faster than me when I go for a walk. And a nearby park that used to take me ten minutes to get to, is now thirty minutes and I have to stop a couple of times to catch my breath.”

“I wish I had something kind to say?”

Robbie stayed quiet, and I knew that cackle would get to me to when it came. “You’re such a sexy asshole. Have you got a buyer for that damn house of yours yet? What persuaded you to buy something so small?”

“Expenses. A smaller house meant more money on sticking to my plans.”

“Well, I hope you find a buyer soon. I know the climate is slow right now.”

“That’s what my estate agent said. But it’s California, and people have the money to waste or they wouldn’t choose to be living there.”

“You need to be living here!”

“I’m working on it, Robbie. Hopefully by Friday it will all be sold!”

But Friday came, and I boarded that plane with no buyer still on the roster. I had interest, but it wavered with the price, and many wanted to slash or drop a couple thousand to meet their personal circumstances because I wanted to sell quickly. It was a steal if I let them have it for so cheap, but I held onto my guts and told the agent to ring me when an offer would please my bank balance.

I technically had moved in with Robbie already, because some of my clothes were at his home and being hung-up on hangers in a spare wardrobe…that was Robbie’s words to me all the time, with the final dose of them no longer staying in bin bags being a confirmation.

And the idea of my cruiser parked in Robbie’s garage was a reminder to him that I wasn’t going on any road trips of that fashion. I was cementing it all into a solid foundation and it kept Robbie happy as I transported myself from a-to-b constantly. But still, I remained a visitor until the house sold.

I hadn’t seen Robbie for at least two months, but the constant pictures he sent showed the development of his increasing stomach and boy was it a sight to see: those abs were no more, and when he laid down on his back I imagined that getting up would take a forklift…with the nominee being me that would take on the forklifting duty. And I couldn’t wait to test the role when I saw him.

When I got in the cab that Robbie had forgotten to call: I dialled one from the airport, and the price to take me to his home would be petrol for two-days on my cruiser. But money wasn’t an issue, and I kept the conversation to a mutable level and slept until the cab man asked me for directions. So much for a sat-nav. I guided him all the way and joked about the fare being split because I did all of the hard work.

Even with the chuckling…and the thank you…and my sleeping time gone, he still ended up charging me the same price. “That’s a nice place you got there?”

“It’s my mates.”

“Ah. Listen, I hate to be charging you so much after the sat-nav faltered. So, I promise to give you a discount the next time you have to leave and visit an airport. I can give you my card.” He dug it out his pocket and presented it to me: Andy’s cabs. The contact number was above the name of the service. “Call me. Do you think you’ll be staying in Juneau long?”

“What makes you ask me that?”

“You have that wayward spirit when you talk. I can’t see you hanging around here for too long.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Andy. I plan to make Juneau my permanent place of residence. So, you’ll be seeing my face a whole lot more.”

And the next who got to see my face was…

“You’re early.” I had no idea who she was. “I’m Liza. And Robbie wasn’t expecting you back so soon.”

“Have I missed something? Should I go back to the airport and come again?”

Liza beamed with her beige cargos that came to her knees. And those knees were door knobs that connected her legs like the meeting point of a sand clock. Her elbows were the same hitting her waist. She wasn’t unbearably skinny, but she could use more than just greens in her diet. And her upper body gave the appearance of a gecko lizard with the cranium tilting off the neck.

I spotted that she had dark eyes which were just as probing as Robbie’s if you didn’t want access to intensity. No older than twenty, and pretty…but in her own way. “Robbie said I have to keep you in the doggy pool. Seriously, those were his words. So I can’t let you in yet, so we might as well go for a walk before he gets back.”

“Robbie’s not here?”

“He went to get something. Not sure. Robbie never gives me all the details. He just phones me up and hurls out instructions for me to grab onto.”

“You did pretty well. I know Robbie can be brief.”

“Too brief.”

We agreed on that, and Liza locked the door and off we walked.

Liza was a computer technician and came to Fairbanks when she had gotten a job offer. “The only reason I came to Juneau is because, at the time, Terry wanted me to be close by. He was big on family.”

I had no issue with hearing about Terry. Even if it was Robbie’s former husband.

“He said he could get me work easily so I came over and boom he wasn’t fibbing. And that’s like…way early when he was…you don’t mind me speaking about Terry, do you?”

“Not at all. It’s actually quite interesting to get to know Robbie’s past,” I gave her an earnest answer.

And she was happy to continue. “Cool. So, yeah, that’s when I met Robbie way-way back. And, we sort of just got along like we were actual blood. I find him very secretive, but he has no care in sharing his mind.”

“How did you deal with Terry’s passing when it happened?”

“I have to be honest, and say, it was more Robbie who I was worried for. Yeah it hurt, but, to lose a husband and a child at once… I was over here all the time though when the funeral happened for Lucas and Terry.”

“There were no bodies, right?”

“Yeah. It was weird to bury clothes alone. But we had to do something for them. And Robbie needed closure. It was only me and him that attended the funeral. He wanted it private. We did invite Paul, but he couldn’t attend because he was out the country. The nice thing about that day was the stonemason didn’t charge Robbie much because he heard the news and wanted to be the first to say that it was tragic to not know what happened to a child and Alpha.”

Me and Liza got lost together in that tragedy. But it wasn’t sadness. I knew that I would provide Robbie with a fresh beginning and so did Liza. We walked further than we wanted to, even though it was a straight walking path and then onto an offbeat track from the main road.

We took it, and it led me and Liza into the direction where I had stopped with Robbie on my cruiser. I felt like I was traipsing on ice that had melted by the snow, and a few times I almost slipped. We had to help each other out, and I had to stop near a tree to tie my laces for fear of falling on my glutes.

“I now understand why nobody takes this route to the creek.” The start of purple bushes that looked like jasmines were visible against the vast colour of snow-white. “We don’t have to go all the way up there, Sean. We can head back.”

“It’s quite cold, but, is Robbie back yet?”

Liza checked her phone and her mouth opened to say, “I got a text! Robbie said he’ll be back in ten minutes. He doesn’t know you are here. Should I tell him you couldn’t come again?”

“Strange that he didn’t text me. My phone is working fine.”

Liza was just as secretive as her cousin. But as we were so close by to Robbie’s house we continued to the start of the creek and the faint running of the water.

“I keep telling myself to stay here in Juneau and leave Fairbanks behind. But there’s so much memories that I can’t get rid of when I come out.”

“I never used to stay out here long enough. It was Mark that kept bringing me back.”

“Who’s Mark?”

“My cousin—”

“Oh!”

I sniggered at her reaction. “You don’t know him, do you?”

“No. I had the feeling you were unattached…family-wise.”

“Ha!” That took the chill out my spine. “I have family I visit in Anchorage. My dad has a brother and that’s how me and Mark are connected. We grew up together and he’s always felt responsible for my behaviour in life.”

“Robbie gave me an outline on what that was.”

“And your opinion?”

“I like it. I love to roam and move around when I can. If I had the option and finance, I’d never settle for more than a few months in various destinations.”

“I think, Liza, that you and I are going to be two steaks on a grill cooking evenly.”

She nodded with her well-kept teeth revealed. “What’s your thoughts on being a father?”

“I sort of see it like a new motorcycle: I’m going to take the very best care of it.”

“I know you will.” Liza checked her mobile again. “Let’s head back. Robbie’s panicking and wants to know why he can’t get through to your phone.”

* * *

“Surprise!”

When Liza and I entered into Robbie’s living room, I was met with an Omega that I didn’t know — who came over to shake my hand. There was a small banner that swooped like a horseshoe with the text: Welcome to your new home! And then Robbie and me, at the same time, embraced like we hadn’t seen each other for centuries. And the closed mouth kiss was unbreakable between us.

We both forgot about the guests! But they started to speak with each other as me and Robbie kissed…and kissed… and found that we had to kiss some more. When Robbie pulled away first, he opened up his palm that I noticed was clenched in a fist the whole time and revealed a key.

“I think this belongs to you? I found it in a shop.”

I took the key; walked to the front door and closed it; and then locked it before reopening it again with the three of them amused at me doing that. “I just had to make sure it wasn’t a dud.”

“You think I’d trick you so badly like that?”

“It’s a joke I would’ve pulled on you.”

Liza and Paul scoff lightly and then went back inside. But Robbie came out because I had to go and check on my cruiser. “I’ll be in soon Robbie, I just want to check on my lady.”

“I think it’s all good. I made sure I cleaned it.”

I looked to his stomach. “All I wanted you to do was rest. That was a joke that you didn’t get.”

His stomach had grown large. But Robbie remained slender in his back and still well dressed in his noir shirt — that was three sizes bigger — and midnight blue joggers that had expanded.

“You need to listen to me more often.”

“I’m wholesome, and still able to beat a duck. So, stop worrying about me.”

“Our little one in there needs you to be in the best shape ever!”

“And I am! It won’t be long now until you’ll see the results of how well I’ve taken care of things. And plus, you forget I have experience.”

“I know.” I rubbed his cheeks with a brief touch. “I’m still waiting for my home in California to sell.”

“Wow. That’s been over two months now. What’s holding off the offers?”

“Location, maybe? Who knows? It’s been mainly single Alphas bidding and they want a special bargain from me.”

“Is it a bachelor’s pad? Why single Alphas?”

“I have to scratch my head on that one, Robbie. No idea. It just has that calling to it. I hardly have anything in there in terms of furniture and personal belongings. When I found those blacks bags and stuffed my clothes into them, I was shocked at how little I have.”

“An Alpha that doesn’t come with baggage is a great start for me.”

“I’m just nervous about it selling. I wanted to have that all cleaned up. And then visit my parents before coming back here. But…nothing’s gone to plan. And you aren’t far-off now. Is it two more months?”

“It could be sooner the doctor said. If you need to see your dad, then go. I don’t want you sulking on me.”

“I need to see him. So, he can—”

The thing with Robbie, was Liza was right: he really could be secretive to the point of giving you a heart attack when he revealed a hidden motive. A cab pulled up…and he walked over to open the door for the passenger who got out. A man who I knew. Who I loved. And who I paced over to greet as my father!

We sat in the kitchen as Robbie, Liza, and Paul, conversed on the sofas about the Beta movement who had made a tremendous change in the output of that last meeting a few months ago. But I tuned them out and focused on my dad who looked well. He was my twin: hair sandy and crimped, with some grey running down one strand of hair only. He had to put it in a ponytail because when he let it hang; it would fall over both his eyes.

And he was always a fan of t-shirts that could fit a twelve-year-old…no offence Dad. But they were tight, with him having to tug it down to cover the beginning of his crotch. And they had a message on there like I eat it metal. He wasn’t a heavy metal star, but he could carry an electric guitar and the Omegas would ask if he was single.

His gut and chest were thickly developing because muscle used to be there, but he got lazy. Lazier than me who needed to hit the bench press. “We both need to start push-ups again, Dad.”

“I got no time for that anymore. All I do is find myself following in the footsteps of my own son.”

“You took on the mechanics yourself then?”

“Yeah. I’ve had to! And I’m starting to love it.”

“You saved money as well. How’s Tia?”

“She’s going to school like she’s supposed to. And keeps asking after you. I told her Sean’s gone and gotten himself a nice-looking Omega. You did well with Robbie. And he’s the type that can certainly keep you coming back for more.”

“That’s not why I’m with him.”

“It’s part of the reason why you’re here though, son.”

“Dad, I’ve changed since we’ve last seen each other.”

“If you say so, Sean. But you can’t tell me that Robbie doesn’t have that effect on you.”

“Robbie has the complete opposite effect on me. I want to run, and that’s why I stay. He makes me feel like my perception of how I am is acceptable. No Omega has been able to walk on my thread and yarn it into a safety net for me. Robbie’s not only done that he’s…he’s shown me that all these years…all I’ve ever needed to find was the right kangaroo pouch.

“You stole that line from me when—”

“I wanted you to feel connected to the situation.”

“Ha. I do. When Robbie contacted me, I wasn’t sure what to make of you moving to Juneau for good.”

“Put that aside for now, Dad, how the hell did he find your number? I’m going to have to ask him.”

“Accountants have ways.”

“I bet it was when I gave him the paperwork for my home in California, so he could give me another quote and estimation of its value. You were a guarantee-er, and I had your contact number and email on there.”

“I like how Robbie operates.”

Robbie came into the kitchen with three empty glasses in his hand. He let me and my dad continue talking, which went on until Liza came in and interrupted us to make a toast to my moving in date with Robbie.

“I’d like for us to drink our non-alcoholic beverage to Sean and Robbie who’ll be expecting a baby in a few months.” She then made another toast, but we used white wine for that one and went out to the front of the home to look out across the landscape which was a honey-rich orange and red.

My dad had put the pieces together on a pregnancy, but when he congratulated me it was like he had only heard the news. “Congratulations, Sean and Robbie.”

I had my own flabbergast up my sleeves and I knew that this would get Robbie back for sending my body into a lack of oxygen.

I took him away from everyone and spoke with him. “I want to seal the deal with you.”

“We did that on the first night we met!”

“Who’s the comedian now?”

His corneas became glossy and soft as he peered at me. They were like condensed water. “I love you, Robbie.”

“And I love you. That’s why I want to bite your neck and make it fated. Because this…right here, and right now, is the most perfect opportunity for us to give our kid a signal that we are in this for lifetime. I never thought I would use those words, but here I stand before you wanting to do it.”

Robbie brushed his neck off for me, but there was no need as it was clean. I saved that joke for another time and bit him. We had become one.