The reason why I suggested the date, is because Sean had a face like a slapped teenager when I stood behind him. I knew he observed me, and I let him. I wanted him to get an idea of what he could have: all of it for him and nobody else. I was afraid of Sean, deep down, because his type had to be reined in with a rope strangling them until some sort of surrender made sense.

I felt like the blunt object stabbing the reality into him. And although I suffered from symptoms of pregnancy, Sean still contributed to eighty-percent of the whirlwind within and it drained me entirely.

Offering Sean the option of a date, lightened the load that had me heaving over the opened toilet seat with nothing coming out. We agreed to go tomorrow evening and he could kip on the couch.

It wasn’t easy leaving him on there because a disappearing act could commence. But the next morning, after fighting sleep that came an hour before I saw him, was Robbie lying underneath a blanket with his whole body ready to be buried. He sensed my footsteps and slowly drew them off until his head was the only body part visible.

“Did I wake you from your sleep?”

“I was catching a tan underneath this blanket.”

“You’re already tanned.”

“A white tan.” It was a dead joke.

But Sean was very much alive with a good mood that carried on for the next few hours as I busied myself and he came in and out my home. Nothing was mentioned about the pregnancy. I was cautious on those lines as I observed his movements that showed me he liked to freely move and not be bothered.

What Sean did when he left was not my concern, but when he came back through that door I was happy to know that some part of him configured an idea that he had to come back to the house. And all he’d do is sit in the living room with his feet on the glass table and read a traveller’s magazine or one of my books on success hacks.

And then I’d come back to offer him something, and he’d be gone with the front door closed and an open magazine spread on the sofa. I didn’t see Sean again until it was time for the date, and a knock came as I answered it baffled at where time had gone so quickly. Sean didn’t know either as he stood slouched in a full zip jacket that was the colour of burnt wheat and long sleeved.

Sean’s collar was turned up and he looked suited to be riding his cruiser with a fuck-you attitude. “Where am I taking you?”

“Don’t you mean, where am I taking you, Sean?”

“Either way does it for me.”

“I wanted to go somewhere quiet where we could get to know each other a little more.”

“You’re from around here so I’ll leave that to you.”

“Do you have a sat-nav?”

“You can be my sat-nav, Robbie.”

In an odd way, that was the most romantic expression I’d heard from Sean when I watched him walk to his cruiser. It was the way he said it to me: butter melting on toast. But then he ruined it all by forgetting that he had a passenger waiting at their front door.

I had to call out, “Sean, aren’t you forgetting something?”

He called back, “I don’t see anything.” But he was kidding and came back to offer me a ride on the back. “I would opt to ride carelessly, but they don’t like that much around here.”

“If you want your head to stay attached to your neck then a helmet is wise.”

“Did you calculate that for my sake?”

“It’s common sense. Something that you lack right?”

“I lack plenty of things, and above it, common sense doesn’t rule.”

I chose a place that would be suitable for both me and Sean in Juneau. The restaurant had an outdoor ambiance with no windows and a high canopy. The outdoor seating and tables were beechwood brown with the inside mahogany chocolate: including the separate bar. And they sprinkled indoor plants in every corner they could squeeze and had plaques of silver engraved with the best restaurant award.

Where we sat was outside and closest to the non-smoking area. It was a table for two, and Sean lacked chivalry in offering me a seat. “You not going to be a gentleman?”

“Phwoar …” Sean got up scruffily. “I didn’t know you was into all that?”

“I’m not. But it’s funny to see you get up.” I sat down on my own and he smiled for the first time since being told I was pregnant. “I felt like you wanted to though?”

“I didn’t know if it was your thing or not? I don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of you.”

A waiter came over to hand us each a menu, and then left us with contemplating time.

“I want steak that’s bloody and in a bad mood like me.”

“You in a bad mood, Sean?”

“No.”

I was glad Sean said no. I had picked this restaurant for a reason: it overlooked how lovely Juneau could be in the evening light behind the silver barriers with their printed logo upon white screens that segregated the restaurant from the walking path. It gave a nice visual of the rising mountains that often-looked like a large fruit pudding.

“So many reasons to stay in Juneau.” I was lost in the background of it. Sean was studying the menu like a difficult maths test. “Do you like it out here?”

“I wouldn’t pass through it so often if I didn’t. Juneau reminds me of California’s colder cousin. But when I hit Anchorage I find I still can’t compare the two. I think it has a community worth working with.”

“It has that small vibe to it. I wouldn’t leave it now.”

“Even after all that happened?”

“Home is home. And yeah, it can be daunting to face it in the dark, but when the sun rises again I’m reminded that it can be quite beautiful.”

Sean’s gaze slowly dropped from me after that. I reckoned what I said touched him.

“My philosophy of life has been to ride until you get sick of it. Being a mechanic wasn’t my family’s first choice, but they knew I was good with my hands and had a mouth to get the business booming wherever I roamed. California is me…it has my tag and I wear it proud.”

“Your problem is, you think Alaska is nothing like California.”

“It isn’t! California is the boss! Alaska is where you come to emigrate and settle down. Settling down is the flu to me.”

“You don’t mean that, Sean?”

He scoffed pleasantly. “Maybe.” Then he looked up at me. “Who knows what comes along and makes you think of alternatives.”

I looked to the menu to avoid that gaze. “You said I was a looker?”

“You are! And you have a wicked sense of humour!”

I smiled to myself. “What more could an Alpha want in an Omega?”

Sean sniffed the air. “I know I’d want the Omega to feel safe and secure when it’s carrying something quite precious.”

That was kind of Sean to say. It was just his sniffing of my corrupted glands that irritated me. I was pregnant, so it couldn’t be helped. But I hoped it wasn’t clouding his judgement and forcing him to be a nice guy.

“What was your kid like?”

That caught me off guard, and I had to glare at him for a few seconds.

“Sorry if it’s to nosey to enquire about?”

“Not nosey.” I closed the menu like a finished book. “I wasn’t expecting you to even want to know about the deeper parts of me.”

“We’re on a date and getting to know each other is the norm that happens. Was he like you?”

“What do you mean?”

“An accountant.”

I scoffed at Sean and he grinned at his own sense of humour.

“If you mean, was he smart? Then yes. For his age I thought Lucas could be anything he wanted to be. He was a kid who had an inner prospective about things: I never knew what he was thinking.”

“He must’ve taken that from you?”

I gave a tight-mouthed grin at that. I hadn’t spoken about my son for a very long time. And the fact that Sean and I were speaking about him was bringing me back to how much he resembled both me and his dad. I left the visual of my husband and child standing at the front door waving…and replied to the waiter that was now standing above me and Sean with a notepad to take our orders. “I’ll have a steak.”

“Bloody, or well done?”

I noticed Sean salivating all over when the guy mentioned bloody.

“I’ll go for bloody—”

“Good choice!” That pleased him. “I’ll have the same with some red wine soaked as an extra addition.”

“Ok.” We waited for the guy to scribble that all down. “Would you like any drinks?”

“Can we have two glasses of your finest wine?”

I laughed when Sean said that. It was hilarious because the waiter must’ve thought he’s a real character to be ordering wine and looking like he’d prefer a beer in the local park.

“What’s so funny, Robbie?”

“I just want a cold drink. The fine wine can be left to the side.”

“Oh. Then I’ll have two orange juices.” The waiter took that down and left us alone. “They sell some nice wine here.”

“I know. But wine isn’t your thing so just be yourself.”

“I am!”

A few other customers heard that as they entered the restaurant.

“No need to yell it out for me. I’m right here.”

“I’m being myself. Do you think I’m not?”

I rubbed my stomach and Sean flinched.

“Is this tiny bump making the conversation difficult?”

“Not at all. An orange juice is better, you’re right.”

Sean went into this happy sulk. “What’s your honest opinion of me so far?”

I laid my hand flat on the table and he noticed that. “You’re like a flat pancake: sweet but could use a little more sugar.”

Sean didn’t like that. “Ah, I hate the word sweet”

“Would you prefer…ass-hole?”

“Well, ass-hole has a more boyish touch to it.”

“Trust me, Sean. If you were an unbearable ass-hole I wouldn’t be sitting here with you. You’re nice enough. Just your individualist speech could drive any Omega crazy! How has any past relationship been able to cope with you?”

“There was never a baby involved—”

“Not the point! All I read from you is unattached and pending until further notice.”

The waiter came with our juices, and Sean was getting up to go to the loo. It left me with some time to think on how this date was going. I got up and stretched my legs: hearing the talk from the smokers on the Alaskan community meeting that was still unresolved. That was the talk of the town and on everybody’s lips. The restaurant started to get busy and I wanted to move us to a more secluded spot. I wanted him to myself, and I was enjoying the time so far.

When Sean came back out I had already asked to move, but he was leaving the restaurant asking for a cigarette that never came into his fingertips because everybody was wrapped up in their own worlds.

“Got somewhere better to be?”

Sean flipped around surprised to see me. “I just wanted to smoke.”

“Do you actually smoke?” I squinted with confusion because I’d never seen him with one.

“I quit a few years back and it’s like a nicotine to me: reminding myself that if I ask for a cigarette then I’m likely to refuse the per—”

“Did you ask for a cigarette?”

“No. That was the guy before me.”

“Oh ok.” The Beta walked off, and I stood in amazement that Sean made sense with that one. He then went back to the table with a wink at me.

“I wanted us to move up there by the bar. We’d still be outside.”

“Why? Here’s fine.”

“I just thought it was getting a little noisy down here.”

He remained standing, “I’m easy going. We can go up there if you like.”

“We can stay here…our foods coming out now so maybe it’s best we just sit.”

* * *

The food was good, but Sean’s company was tastier. Even with all chitter-chatter going on we still stayed glued to our own occupied space. He did the disappearing act a few times and stood by the smoker’s hub just to mingle with the second-hand smoking, then came back with his bloodstream a happy-chappy and his mood improved. “That guy I was speaking with was a Beta and he knows Mark. He says my cousin is really the fire behind the Beta cause in so many ways.”

“Does that make you proud?”

“Well you know I’m not much into politics. But if he’s making a positive impact around here, then me as a mechanic can see why it’s a good thing.”

“I’m glad you said that. It shows me your mind isn’t as stubborn as you make out.”

“Don’t get too comfortable with my changing winds.”

“I won’t. Did you enjoy the steak?”

“I asked for bloody—”

“And that’s what you got?”

“Yeah. But not bloody hard!”

I got out my seat for that one.

“You going to make a bigger scene?”

“I wanted to applaud your comedic spirit with a handclap.”

Sean stopped me from embarrassing him.

“Everybody in this restaurant should learn about how funny you truthfully are.”

“To see you laughing and smiling means I’ve done pretty well then? I haven’t seen you so relaxed.”

I sat back down. “Your company is a fresh air spray.”

“Am I a good scent?”

“One that Juneau could use.”

Sean shut up with that one. “Let’s not speak about that.” He placed his hand down on the table and I wanted to reach out to him for some affection. The night was moving to the point where we would need to decide what next. “I’ve been selfish for so long that it’s hard to believe that I’m sticking this out until the end. I never used to.”

“Were you a serial dater?”

“We’d arrange the date and I’d show up to it late. Nothing to do with them. I just wanted the message clear that I was never on time.”

None of that mattered to me in the long run. Since my husband, no Alpha had the potential that Sean possessed. And the more I observed his sluggish but content ways, was the more I felt the cracks of my solitude heal. Deep down, no Alpha or Omega wants to be alone. And after all these years that was confirmed in my own journey. Sean was the next inclination and I wondered if fate gave me another way out?

What I picked up about Sean was his own devices of dealing with his preferred isolation. Were we really that different? When I went to find the waiter to pay the bill that’s the only fiddle that played for me. And he even, as a joke, brushed past me and took my card before I entered in my pin. The waiter smiled when he brandished his card and paid for it all instead.

Then we hung around the bar just to observe what drinks they had. And I found, only now, that I wanted to place my hand in his and see if it fit. Like finding the right sized shoe. I gave it a test and Sean didn’t recoil his hand away from me. He held his in my own. And I counted down from five…four…three…two…one, and then removed it myself because my comfort level was now peaking into stimulation in my groin.

I was becoming as aroused the more I glimpsed Sean’s frame, but it was not just his body that got me going. No, I found that we were two ends on a scale and it was balancing itself out. Sean brought a bottle for the road and then tipped the waiter who was more than happy to mention our returning would be valued.

Sean asked for a cigarette just as we were about to leave — and refused it in the same light. The Alpha found that it was a nice little trick and asked Sean if he could use that himself? “I charge.”

The Alpha took it seriously, but Sean was already crossing the road and making the journey to his motorbike. The night was a nice once, no exaggeration, and Sean hopping on his bike was rimming with sex appeal.

“Where to now?” He kindly offered me a helmet.

“I’ll let you choose that.”

Sean grinned boyishly. And I thought that the universe was giving me a second chance at love because the emotion was tingling in my whole body. We shall see. We shall see.