CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Cara and Sinner
CARA
Mark left this morning to drive back to California. He couldn’t fly because he couldn’t leave any trace of having been here. He would be taking a more direct route since it was just him and he promised to call whenever he could. I was a little taken aback when I realized he didn’t feel the same way I did. When we were on the road, he had told me he cared about me a lot. I assumed that was his way of telling me he loved me, but I had screwed with his head when I kicked him out of my life, so maybe he just needed some time to let his head catch up.
I sat at my brother’s kitchen table looking for places to rent. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to live in an apartment. I was used to the peace of the country, but I didn’t have a whole lot of options since I didn’t have a job anymore. I had saved a lot of money living next door to Drew and Sarah, but I didn’t want to spend that money until I knew I could replace it.
“Whatcha doing, sis?”
Sean stepped up behind me with a coffee cup in his hand and looked over my shoulder.
“I’m trying to find someplace to live.”
“You can stay here. You know you don’t have to leave. Lillian’s fine with you staying here.”
“I appreciate that, but I’ve been living on my own for a few years now and I like the independence I’ve gained.”
“So, any good prospects?”
“There are a few, but I need to find a job before I commit to anything. I don’t even know if they would rent to me if I don’t have a job.”
“About that, how would you feel about taking a job as our nanny?”
“Sean, you don’t have to give me a pity job.”
“It’s not. Lillian wants to go back to work, but she’s been holding back because she doesn’t want to just hand our child off to anyone. You’re more than qualified to do this.”
“But would you be comfortable with me watching your daughter? I mean, with everything that happened?”
“Cara, that was one time in how long? You’ve been taking steps to make sure you get better. I have complete faith in you and so does Lillian.”
I didn’t answer right away, partially because I didn’t have complete faith in myself. What Drew and Sarah said had me questioning if I really could be trusted with someone else’s child. Sean took the seat next to me and took my hand.
“Cara, I know I didn’t always have faith in you. I thought that you were so broken, you would never recover. Mark showed me how wrong I was and I saw it for myself over the past month. I know that you’re going to get better. I also know that you’ll have setbacks because it’s just a part of life. I do have faith in you, though. Don’t let how all of us treated you keep you from doing something you know you can do.”
I felt tears form in my eyes and I tried to blink them back. “I can’t get their words out of my head. I keep thinking that they’re right. What if I had been watching the twins when I flipped out?”
“First of all, you flipped out like that because of an intense therapy session. I really doubt my little girl is going to be asking you to relive things from the past. It wouldn’t have happened just at any time. Second of all, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
My head snapped up at his tone. “Through everything, you’ve been a hard ass, not willing to take anyone’s shit. You have more attitude than anyone I know, yet you’re turning into some weepy mess because your friends were mean to you.”
“Wow, don’t hold back.”
“I won’t. When they said that shit to you, you should have told them exactly where they could shove it. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Tell them they can go fuck themselves.”
I smiled at his suggestion. It was true, I’d always had more attitude than was good for me.
“Talk with Lillian and see when she wants you to start. She’s been bugging me to talk to you, so don’t wait too long.”
“Oh, thank God! I’ve been waiting for the past week for you to talk with her!” Lillian walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table with me. “Sean kept telling me that you might want to try to get your job back with Sarah, but I told him that their loss is our gain. All’s fair in love and war.”
“This isn’t exactly war, Lillian. Besides, she has a connection with those kids and I didn’t want to get in the way of that.”
“Well, she’s our daughter’s aunt, so we should have first dibs on her services anyway.”
“It’s not like you couldn’t stay home with her,” Sean said with a roll of his eyes.
“I want to go back to work. If I wait too long after my maternity leave, they’ll let me go.”
“You could have found a daycare-”
“With people that wouldn’t pay attention to my child-”
“Our child.”
“And God knows if they are even qualified.”
“The daycare ensures that all workers go through child care classes.”
“And who knows what they would feed her!”
“Probably liver and onions.”
“I wish you would take this seriously,” Lillian said as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“Can you both stop?” I said as I held up my hand. “You two are completely nuts. I’ll take the job, okay?”
“Perfect!” Lillian smiled. “I want to go back to work in a few weeks, so you can start whenever you want and get used to the way we do things around here.”
“Well, first I need to find a place of my own. Let me get settled somewhere and then I can start.”
For the first time in a while, I felt like my life was coming together. I didn’t know what would happen with Mark, but I had faith that we would work it out. He was due back in a few days and then we would work it all out.
Sinner
After driving back to California, the first thing I did was head to OPS and inform Cash of everything that had occurred since I picked up Vanessa. He got called away for another situation, so I didn’t have time to tell him I was going to be quitting. I went back to Vira’s apartment and informed her that I would be moving back to Pennsylvania.
“So, I assume that everything is functioning at one hundred percent again?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Should we take it for a test drive before you head back?” she asked unabashedly.
“I’m pretty sure that would fuck up everything I’m trying to do with Cara.”
“She doesn’t have to know. Aren’t there rules about fucking out of state?”
I laughed at her brazen attitude. “There may be for some people, but I’m not one of them.”
“Funny, there used to be a time when you and I had very similar perspectives on sex.”
“Well, that was pre-Cara. Now?”
“Now you’re pussy whipped.” She sighed and gave me a hug. “You can’t blame me for trying. I’ll forever have that last time stuck in my head. You’ll always be remembered as my worst fuck.”
I held a hand over my heart. “You’re breaking my heart, Vira. I’m sure you can remember what it was like a year ago.”
“Sure, but it would be nice to have a parting memory of you. I doubt I’ll be seeing you once you’re gone.”
“Probably not, but even knowing that, I could never do that to Cara.”
“It’s a shame, Sinner’s turning into a saint.”
I spent the rest of the day packing my stuff and then I took a nap. The drive had really taken it out of me. When Cash called and asked me to come back in, I groaned, but I knew that I needed to do it. If he asked me to do another job, I was going to have to tell him I was done. Grabbing my security card, I headed over to OPS in the rented vehicle that I had driven from Pennsylvania. My phone rang as I was pulling into the lot. Looking at the screen, I smiled when I saw Cara was calling.
“Hey, Lollipop. How’s it going?”
“Good. Sean and Lillian asked me to take care of their daughter when Lillian goes back to work.”
“That’s great. I’m glad you’ve found something you want.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t feel good that I left my old job, but this means I get more snuggle time with my niece. I’m also looking for a new place to live. I love my brother, but I don’t want to live with him.”
“I don’t want you to either. I can’t fuck you in his house.”
“Well, I was thinking of finding someplace in the country, but I’m not sure if there’s anything available.”
“Why don’t you hold off until I get back so we can talk about this? Maybe we could move in together.”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
“Cara?”
“Would you want to do that?”
“Why not? I mean, it’s something worth thinking about at least.”
“It’s just that you needed time to think and now you’re talking about moving in together.”
I looked at the time and realized I was running late. “Hey, I’m going to be late. Why don’t we discuss this when I get back? Just don’t rent anything yet.”
I got out of the car and headed toward the building.
“Okay, call me when you’re headed back.”
“Will do.”
I hung up and was just about to the doors when everything went black.
Cara
I was just getting ready to check out some more rental listings when the doorbell rang. Lillian had taken the baby to a check up and Sean was at work. I went to the door and was shocked to see Sarah standing on the other side. At first, I felt like crying, but then I remembered what Sean had said and I steeled my spine.
“Can I help you?” I asked Sarah.
“Can we talk?”
She stood on the front porch looking nervous as hell and I wasn’t going to do anything to put her at ease. I motioned her in and stood in the entryway with my arms crossed over my chest.
“Cara, I came to apologize for the way Drew and I..”
“Threw me out on my ass like garbage?” I asked.
She nodded. “You have to understand, it was never that we didn’t trust you.”
“Really? Because I recall you telling me that they were your children and you couldn’t take the risk that I would lose it and hurt your kids.”
“It wasn’t really about that. Things with Drew and I are very different. We both lost someone and the thought of something happening to one of our kids was just a little overwhelming.”
“And you thought something would happen because of me. I get it. I’m a loose cannon. I mean, all those times that I watched your kids, at any second I could have lost it and hurt one of them. I’m a danger to society. I might as well be locked up.”
“We don’t think that. We were wrong and after you left, we both realized how idiotic we were. Especially after all you gave up for us. I’m very sorry that I ever doubted you. We both did some research and found that the medicine you’re taking is very safe.”
“It took you researching my medicine to figure out that I wasn’t going to turn into a deranged lunatic?”
“No, honestly, we already knew it, but when we saw how safe your medications were, we knew that we had just been making excuses. It just really freaked Drew out when he found you in that closet and we both overreacted. I hope that someday you can forgive us. We still want you to be a part of our kids’ lives.”
“Just not their nanny.”
“I talked to Sean. He said that you’re going to watch his daughter. I think we’ve screwed up enough. We don’t need to ruin this for you. Besides, I’ve been relying on you to take care of my kids for so long. I think now’s a good time for me to take over. Drew wasn’t ever happy with me working when I had the insurance money just sitting there. He always wanted me to stay home and take care of the kids.”
“You should be able to work if you want to.”
“I know and it’s not that he doesn’t want me to work. He just doesn’t want me to work somewhere when it’s not what I want to do.”
“Sarah, with your past hanging over your head, it’s possible that may never happen.”
“I know, but he’s right. I don’t need to work, so taking care of the kids makes more sense than paying someone to do it for me.”
I had a decision to make. I could choose to stay mad at her and never repair a friendship that I had cherished so much or I could try to move on. My therapist would tell me to try and move past my anger.
“I can’t say that I’m just over everything. It really hurt me that you guys gave up on me. Part of me understands, but then other part of me just wants to punch you in the face.”
“I know. I just hope that someday we can hang out again. I really miss our mornings together.”
I nodded and she turned toward the door. “I’d better get home. Drew’s watching all the kids by himself, so who knows what I’ll find when I get home.”
“You’d better get home then. I can only imagine what it’s like when he changes a diaper. He hasn’t done that in a really long time.”
Sean stepped into the house just as Sarah was heading out. He had a grim look on his face that immediately had me concerned.
“Sean, what’s wrong? You look really upset.”
“Cara, I just got a call from OPS. Mark was supposed to meet Cash this morning, but he never made it into the office.”
“What?” My heart pounded a little, but I didn’t let fear take over. Not yet. There were too many other explanations. “Well, I talked to him. He said he was running late, so he probably got held up somewhere.”
He shook his head and I felt my stomach drop.
“They found his cell phone in the parking lot and his rental car was there. They pulled up the footage from the parking lot and saw that three men attacked him and dragged him off to a van. They’re trying to track him down now.”
I just stood there staring at Sean. I didn’t know what to say.
“Cara, we’ll find him. I promise, we won’t stop until he’s found.”
I nodded. “You just don’t know if he’ll be alive when you find him.”
Sean looked at the ground and shook his head. “I’m sorry this happened.”
I went over to the living room and sat down on the couch. My heart thundered in my chest, but I just sat there and stared out the window. Should I be reacting differently? Wasn’t I supposed to be freaking out or pacing the halls? It was like my brain was refusing to believe what I was hearing. I shook my head and looked at Sean.
“He’ll be fine. I know it. Mark’s a fighter and..he’ll be fine.”