CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Sinner
I HELD THE phone to my ear with one hand while I rested my head in the other as I propped myself up with my elbows on my knees. I wished so much that I could go to her and pick up where we left off, but things were so different now. I needed time for my burns to heal so I would know if I could ever be the man she deserved. Right now, it wasn’t looking too good. Of course, I had only been out of the hospital for a little less than a week, but it didn’t seem like the answers I needed would ever come.
“Don’t pin your hopes on me, Lollipop. I’m a losing bet right now,” I said sullenly.
She didn’t say anything more and I didn’t really expect her to. She needed answers that I couldn’t give her and I couldn’t expect her to wait around for me. This was for the best. If it turned out that my cock functioned properly once I was healed, I would return to Pennsylvania and get down on my knees to beg for her forgiveness. If not, I would stay out here and work for Cash, where I didn’t have to be so close to her.
I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at the black screen. It was fucking depressing to end things this way.
“You’re an idiot, you know?”
Maggie stumbled out of my bedroom looking like she hadn’t gotten out of bed for days. She went over to the coffee pot and grabbed a cup, then came to sit with me on the couch.
“Good morning to you too.”
“Why couldn’t you just go back and be with her? So little Sinner isn’t in working order. Who cares? She would still want you.”
“But I might not be able to give her-”
“If I have to hear one more time about how you might not be man enough for her, I’m going to pour hot coffee on your dick and make sure it’s scarred for life.”
“I don’t want to hear it. Unless you’re going to take Sebastian back, you don’t have any room to criticize my decisions.”
“Sebastian’s being a jerk and I don’t want to talk about him.”
“So, you’re hiding out here until you decide what to do?”
“I’m not hiding.”
“Right. So, you’re looking for some kind of story. Here. In my apartment.”
She wouldn’t look me in the eye, which meant trouble.
“Freckles, what did you do?”
“Nothing! I swear, I’m just here to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. Now you can go home.”
“I will, I just have an errand to run and then I’ll be on my way.”
“What’s this errand you need to run?”
“Okay, don’t say no.”
“No.”
“I said not to say no.”
“The answer is still no.”
“You didn’t even hear what I was going to say,” she stomped her foot and stood.
“I don’t need to. You’ve got some crazy idea and you want me to go along with it.”
“Not true! Well, not totally true. It’s not crazy and I didn’t actually figure you into my plans at all.”
“Which is even worse. Freckles, you are not going off by yourself to investigate anything.”
“I swear, this will just be a quick trip to New York where I pose as Vanessa friend that’s looking for her. What’s the worst that could happen?”
I stared at her in disbelief. “Seriously? What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I’ll just tell them I’m a friend from her college days and I’ve been trying to reach her. They’ll never suspect.”
“Sure, until you try to pry the information out of them.”
“I’m much better at this than you think.”
“It’s not going to happen. Sebastian will never go for it.”
“He’s not going to know.”
“The answer is still no.”
She glared at me with her arms over her chest. “Fine.” She stormed off to my room and slammed the door. Rubbing a hand over my face, I went and opened the bedroom door.
“Scoot over. This is still my bed.”
She shuffled over to the other side to allow me space to lay down. I was still pretty worn out and a nap sounded pretty good. It didn’t take long for my eyes to slip closed.
When I woke up, it was dark outside. I must have slept for four hours. Freckles was no longer in bed with me, so I got up to go look for her. She wasn’t anywhere in the apartment, but had left a note on the counter.
Sinner,
Going to talk with Victor and then I’ll head back home. I’m glad you’re alright and I hope I’ll see you again soon.
P.S.
If you want to stay on my good side, you won’t contact Sebastian.
Maggie
What the hell was Maggie thinking? Of course I was going to call Sebastian. I didn’t have a death wish and I didn’t want to see Maggie end up dead. I pulled out the phone and dialed, but I couldn’t get through.
“Shit.” Pacing the apartment, I came to the conclusion that the only thing left to do was follow her out there. I couldn’t wait to get ahold of Sebastian. I was lucky enough to get on a flight that left in an hour and a half, but that allowed too many hours for Maggie to get into trouble.
I quickly packed a bag and headed off to the airport, continually calling Sebastian, but he still didn’t answer. I also tried calling Derek, but he wasn’t answering either. I had to turn off my phone when I got on the plane and checked it throughout the flight, but still didn’t get any kind of response from Sebastian.
When I stepped off the plane, I had no idea where to go. Maggie hadn’t said anything about where she would be staying. I tried Derek one more time and was relieved when he picked up.
“Thank fuck. Why the hell weren’t you answering your phone?”
“It’s called work and I was busy.”
“Maggie’s in New York chasing down a lead. I need you to tell me where she’s staying.”
“Goddammit. Sebastian’s gonna flip out.”
“If one of you idiots would pick up the phone, you would have known sooner.”
“Why would I assume that you were calling because Maggie went AWOL again?”
“Good to know where I stand right now.”
“Becky’s got the hotel information. I’m sending you her reservation now.”
“Oh, one more thing. Since I’m chasing down Maggie, you get to tell Cap.”
“Son of a-”
I ended the call before he could finish the thought and grabbed a cab to her hotel. I flirted with the receptionist and got a key to Maggie’s room, but when I got there, she was gone. My phone rang and the display showed Sebastian.
“Shit.” I debated whether or not to answer, but in the end, I swiped across the screen and waited for the yelling to commence. “Yeah, Cap?”
“Are you in New York yet?”
“Yeah, I just went to her hotel. She’s not there, but I have a pretty good idea of where she went.”
“She’s at Victor’s offices.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I’m looking at her. Get your ass over here. Now.”
I hung up the phone and quickly hailed a cab to the financial district. I got out a block away from the building so I could keep out of sight if necessary. I was at the corner of the building when I heard a hissing sound.
“Hey, get over here.”
I turned to see Cap standing out of sight with his gun in hand.
“What the hell are you doing here and how did you beat me here? I just got off the phone with Derek about an hour and a half ago.”
“I followed Freckles. Did you really think I wouldn’t chip her ass when she came to work for me? She gets into so much trouble, I didn’t have a choice.”
“She’s gonna kick your ass when she finds out.”
“She’s not going to. You called me as soon as you found out she was gone and we met up and followed her from her hotel.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “She’s never going to buy that.”
“It doesn’t matter right now. Let’s get inside before she gets herself caught. I have Becky dealing with the cameras for the next hour.”
I followed him to a side door that was unlocked, no doubt the handy work of Becky, and slipped silently inside. I pulled my gun from the back of my jeans and followed Cap through the building to a service elevator. Once we reached the twentieth floor, the doors opened and we slunk into the dark office hallway. As we approached the large office at the end of the hall, a gunshot to the left had us spinning and flattening against the walls. Freckles came bursting out of another office, running like her heels were on fire.
Three men came running down the hall, one of them stopping to pull a gun. Cap quickly pulled away from the wall and fired a few shots. Freckles stuttered for a moment until she saw that it was us, then she took off running again.
We were sitting ducks in this hallway, so Cap and I took turns taking shots at the men as we made our way toward the stairwell. The problem was, the entire path to the stairwell was wide open. More men came around a corner from another direction, leaving us up shit’s creek.
“Cap! The desk!”
Cap shoved Freckles behind some filing cabinets as we ran over to the secretary’s desk and flipped it over, sending the computer and all the paperwork to the ground. We positioned it against the filing cabinet so we were covered from both angles. Bullets pinged around us as we got our cover in place.
“Since when do you need help moving a fucking desk?” Cap grumbled.
“Since I was hung by my wrists and can’t move my fucking shoulders like I used to.”
“Oh, suck it up and quit your bitching. You sound like a girl.”
“A girl? A girl is about to save your whiny ass,” Freckles said as she pulled a gun out of her ankle holster and started shooting.
“Now you decide to get your gun out?” I practically yelled at her. “You didn’t think that would have been helpful five minutes ago?”
“Two highly trained bodyguards and I have to do the shooting?”
“See, this is why you’re not allowed in the field. You should have had your weapon out when you entered the building,” Cap grumbled.
“I did, but then I needed my hands.”
“Freckles, did we teach you nothing?” he asked.
“How about we argue about this later?” I asked as more bullets pinged off the desk. I popped up and quickly fired off a few shots before ducking back down.
“I was busy trying to break into a locked drawer and I needed both hands for it,” she said as she peeked out from behind the filing cabinet, taking out one shooter.
“Again? What is it with you and breaking and entering? Do you want to end up in jail?” Cap asked after emptying his clip.
“I think she needs to worry more about having her ass shot off than ending up in a cell with a woman named Bertha.”
The assholes were hiding in doorways, not giving us a chance to get a good shot off. We were going to run out of bullets if we didn’t take them out soon.
“Cover me!” I shouted to Cap as I ran across to an office for a better angle. A bullet whizzed through my pant leg, tearing a hole awfully close to my dick. Once in the office doorway, I fingered the hole in my jeans.
“What the fuck? You ruined my jeans!” I shouted toward the other gunmen. “These were my favorite jeans!”
I took aim and got one man in the shoulder and the other in the chest. Cap stood and fired toward one of the remaining men down the other hall.
“That came about an inch from your dick and you’re worried about your fucking jeans?”
“It doesn’t work anyway, so what does it matter if it gets shot off?” I yelled as I fired another shot, hitting my intended target, leaving only one shooter left. Cap fired a few shots and then pulled Freckles to her feet.
“Time to go,” he yelled. I laid down cover fire as Cap and Freckles bolted for the stairs. Once inside the door, Cap fired at the last shooter, allowing me enough time to make it to the stairwell. We took the stairs two at a time, staying to the wall as much as possible.
“You have some serious issues if you don’t care if your dick gets shot off,” Cap said between breaths.
“It’s fucking useless anyway.”
“Only if you don’t mind pissing in a bag the rest of your life.”
“You’re such an idiot,” Freckles said as we hit the tenth floor. “You haven’t even waited for it to heal and you’ve already made up your mind about little Sinner. We might as well give you a vagina now.”
“It’s called facing reality.”
Footsteps above us grew louder as we reached the fifth floor.
“It’s called being a pussy. The doctor said there were treatments.”
“Surgery on my dick? No, thank you.”
“I guess you really don’t love Cara.”
“I do too. That’s why I had to let her go. You don’t stick around with someone when you know you’ll make them miserable.”
We broke through the bottom door and ran across the lobby to the entrance. The doors were locked, leaving us running for the side door we came in through. The footsteps behind us got closer, but luckily, he wasn’t firing.
“Why are men such morons? If you love her, you tell her what’s happening and you let her support you. Isn’t that how you helped her through her anxiety issues?”
“Totally different situation, Freckles. Mine can’t be fixed.”
“It can too. You’re just too stubborn to try. It’s better to throw a pity party for yourself than to let her in.”
Freckles pushed the side door open when we reached it and halted in her tracks. Standing outside in the alley were three men, all holding guns. The man that had been chasing us came up behind us and pushed us the rest of the way through the door.
“It’s so good of you to join us,” the man in the middle said.
“I knew I should have stopped you when I saw you were coming here,” Cap grumbled.
“What do you mean, you should have stopped me? How did you know I was coming here?”
“Oh, shit. Here we go,” I grumbled.
“Because I chipped you.”
“You what?”
“I put a chip on you.”
“What do you mean on me?”
“I mean, when you got your birth control implant, I had them retrofit it with a GPS chip,” Cap said angrily.
“You had me chipped like a fucking dog?” Freckles screeched. The men were watching the back and forth with mild interest.
“Oh, come on. Freckles, imagine where you would be right now if I hadn’t. Trouble doesn’t just find you. You attract it like cheese attracts mice.”
“Peanut butter works better,” one of the men interjected. When the middle guy glared at him, he shrugged. “We just recently had a mouse infestation.”
“I can’t believe you would do that to me! And you wonder why I left you!” Freckles yelled at Sebastian.
“Whoa, you actually left him? I thought you two were just on a break,” I raised an eyebrow at Cap.
“It’s like I don’t know you at all,” Maggie said as she put her hands on her hips.
“I’d say this is pretty much in line with everything you knew,” I said helpfully.
“I don’t need your help, Sinner,” Sebastian sneered at me. Or maybe not.
“I’m just saying, she shouldn’t be surprised by this. You like control.”
“Wouldn’t you like control if Freckles was your woman?”
“Hey!” Maggie said indignantly.
“As fascinating as this all is-” the middle man started.
“You make it sound like I’m high maintenance!” Maggie shouted.
“You break into buildings and get us shot at!”
“I was trying to solve our problem.”
“You were trying to become the problem,” Cap shouted.
“If you weren’t such a bastard,” she didn’t finish the sentence as she whipped out a knife and thrust it into the man’s throat that was closest to her. I quickly pulled the trigger on my own gun as Cap fired off two shots, one from each of the guns he was holding. All four men were lying on the ground in a pool of blood before they even knew what hit them.
“Jesus, Freckles. Why do your arguments always have to go on so long? We could have taken them out like five minutes ago,” Sebastian grumbled.
“I was trying to get as much out of you as possible. It seems the only time you talk is when I start an argument at gunpoint.”
“Can we get out of here now? My arms are killing me.”
We headed back to the hotel where I collapsed in Maggie’s hotel room chair.
“I’m fucking exhausted.”
“You’re going to have to get another room. There’s no fucking way Maggie and I are sharing a room with you,” Cap said.
“You two can share a room because there’s no way I’m sharing a room with you.” She stabbed a finger in Sebastian’s direction and then walked toward the bathroom.
“What the fuck?”
“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the chip in my arm.” She slammed the door to the bathroom and then we heard the shower start. I let out a low whistle, but shut my mouth when Sebastian glared at me.
Cap called down to the front desk and got us a room with two beds. It was on the same floor as Maggie and only a few doors down, so that was a plus. After a long, hot shower, my muscles finally started to relax. After not using them for a week, I was worn out. I laid in bed in the dark, drifting off to sleep when Cap stepped out of the bathroom.
“You headed back to California?”
“I don’t know,” I said as I stared at the ceiling.
“I know my two cents means jack shit, but maybe you should consider talking to Cara before you royally fuck that up.”
“I already did,” I said with a sigh. “She called and I told her not to wait for me.”
“You really are a dumb fuck.”
“Says the man who got kicked out of his girlfriend’s hotel room.”
“Touche.”
We sat in silence, both deep in thought.
“Did the doctor really say it could be fixed with surgery?”
“There’s a chance it wouldn’t work.”
“Yeah, well there’s a chance you could get your dick shot off at work.” He said pointedly. “Go tell her. She deserves that much.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I stood at the airport the next day with Cap and Freckles, trying to decide what I was going to do. Cap was right about one thing, Cara did deserve to know why I was pushing her away. I had the feeling that Cara wouldn’t turn me away. She would insist on helping me through everything and that was something I just didn’t know if I could handle if it didn’t go my way. She deserved so much more than a defective man.
I could head back to California and do my PT and then get back to work at OPS. In a few weeks, when I was all healed, I would have my answer and make decisions from there. It wasn’t very likely Cara would take me back at that point, but then there was no guarantee she would now either.
Her rejection now would be just as difficult as going home and never knowing. I had never been in a real relationship before and the first time out, I seriously fucked it up. Although, I wasn’t sure what we had could be classified as a relationship. We never really made things official or tried to define what we were creating.
The fact was, I loved her, probably more than I ever thought I would love anyone. My ego, my masculinity, was getting in the way of taking a chance on us. It would be a huge blow to my self-esteem if I couldn’t perform the way a man was supposed to be able to. If I was honest with myself, my ego was the driving force behind my inability to return to Cara and beg for forgiveness.
I stared at the departures board and knew I had to make a decision soon. Freckles stood scowling at Cap just a few feet from me and I was tempted to follow them to Pennsylvania just to ensure she didn’t kill him.
“Time’s up, Sinner. What’s it going to be?” Cap asked.
✯✯✯✯✯
Opening the door, I was greeted by Vira getting fucked by a man over the side of the couch. She turned and smiled at me, giving me a short wave before groaning as the man thrust into her again. The old me would have gotten a woody at the sight of Vira being fucked and hearing those moans. Now? Nothing. I still couldn’t feel a thing. Sighing, I walked back to my bedroom and threw my bag on the ground. My body was sore and tired after the long flight home.
My phone rang a few minutes later, breaking me from my sleepy state.
“Yeah?”
“It’s Cash. How’s it going?”
I blew out a harsh breath. “Ready to get back in shape so I don’t feel so damn tired all the time.”
“Sebastian told me you performed just fine in New York.” It was a statement, but I could tell there was a question behind it.
“I had to follow Maggie there. She went to do her own investigation into Victor Adams.”
“How did Sebastian end up there?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“So, be straight with me here. Are you sticking around or are you headed back to Pennsylvania?”
“I’m heading back. I have a few things to take care of here and then I’ll be going back. I was actually going to come by tomorrow to talk to you.”
“Is this because of the girl, Cara?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you wouldn’t be leaving us if it weren’t for her?”
“I don’t know, Cash. My brothers are there.”
“It’s too bad. You fit in quite well with us.”
“Until I got myself taken and you had to come rescue my ass.”
“Until that. If you ever change your mind, give me a call.”
“Thanks, I appreciate the offer.”
“By the way, your hospital bills and PT are covered by OPS. When you start PT in Pennsylvania, send me the bills.”
“Will do.”
“Catch you later, Sinner.”
I hung up the phone and was just about to lay down again when Vira opened my door.
“Jesus, what does it take to get a little sleep around here?”
“Hey, when you take off and don’t tell me where you’re going, do you really think I’m going to just wait for you to come out of your room?”
“I had work.”
“Work? Why do I not believe that?”
“It was related to work.”
“Any idea when you’ll be back full time?”
“About that, I’m moving back to Pennsylvania.”
Her face fell. “Oh. So, I take it things are going well with Cara?”
“No. In fact, I haven’t talked to her, but if I’m going to get her back, I can’t have my stuff out here and still work out here. It doesn’t send the right message.”
“You know, you could just stay out here. I’m low maintenance. You don’t need to prove anything to me.”
“That’s not something I’m looking for anymore.”
She shook her head and sighed. “That’s not something I ever thought I would hear out of your mouth. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed.”
“Having trouble finding a fuck buddy, Vira?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean they’re as good as you.”
“Me? If I recall correctly, you referred to me as your worst fuck ever.”
“I’m talking about BC.”
“BC?”
“Before Cara. She fucked you up for every single woman that was in want of a good, hard fucking. Now, that gorgeous cock belongs to one woman. Such a waste,” she tsked.
“Let’s hope so,” I muttered.
She walked up to me and ran her fingers through my hair and straddled on my lap. “Do me a favor, send a few of your friends my way every now and then. I could use a good fucking by a big, strong man.” She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.
“And don’t worry about your cock. Even if it doesn’t get back in prime order, your fingers and your mouth are just as magical.”
She stepped off me and sauntered off to her room. The fact that Sean had held onto her for as long as he had was a miracle. That woman was a sexual beast and she took no prisoners, but she wasn’t the one I wanted.
I closed my eyes and got some shut eye. I was going to pack up and head back to Pennsylvania tomorrow and somehow win back the girl that stole my heart.
✯✯✯✯✯
I stood outside her door, nervous as hell that I was going to get it slammed back in my face. I had never been this guy before. I never had to apologize for anything because I didn’t stick around long enough to have something to be sorry for. With Cara, things were so different. Everything with her came naturally and was so easy. It didn’t seem like work to be in a relationship with her.
This was a totally different ball of wax. Now, I wasn’t just trying to make our relationship work, but opening myself up to her to tell her why I was such a pussy and pushed her away. I lifted my hand to knock as I felt sweat trickle down my spine. This was ridiculous. I was Sinner, badass warrior and slayer of women. I would knock on the fucking door and demand that she hear me out. Yeah.
She swung the door open moments after I pounded, glaring at me with her arms crossed.
“Is there something you need? A quick fuck maybe?”
Damn, now I was really sweating. She was pissed at me. I had expected sad and lonely Cara, not sassy and pissed as fuck.
“I wish.”
She raised an eyebrow at me, not understanding my statement.
“Can I come in for a minute?”
“I think where you’re standing is fine.”
“Cara, who’s at the door?”
Sarah and Drew came walking around the corner holding glasses of wine.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.”
“There’s a lot of things you didn’t realize since you basically left me without an explanation.”
“Can we talk somewhere? Alone?”
“No. Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Drew and Sarah.”
“What I need to talk to you about is private.”
She nodded in understanding and I took a deep breath in relief. “I understand, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. For years, I have lived under the microscope of everyone knowing every detail of my anxiety issues and witnessing my humiliation. You want to talk to me? You can lay it all out for everyone to hear.”
I swallowed and tried to decide if I could get away with saying less so that I didn’t have to tell my dirty, little secret to her neighbors. Sarah and Drew stood behind her looking uncomfortable and Drew inched toward the door.
“Would you look at the time? We need to be going,” Drew said.
“No,” Cara said sternly as she held up her hand. “Neither of you are leaving until Mark says what he came to say.” Drew sent me an apologetic smile, but Sarah almost looked excited to get to hear what I would say.
“Okay.” I cleared my throat and decided to just go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? I would be humiliated and laughed at? Another man would never do that after hearing what I had to say. Just rip the bandaid off.
“My dick doesn’t work anymore,” I said a little too loudly.
Cara’s jaw dropped as did her eyes, looking straight at my crotch. Sarah stood their bewildered and Drew cleared his throat as he turned bright red.
“Sorry, Cara. You’re on your own. This sounds like a private conversation and I’m not up for discussing another man’s dick.” He pulled Sarah behind him and stopped next to me. “No pun intended.”
Then he pulled Sarah out the door and they practically ran back to their house. Cara was alternating looking between my dick and my face. I raised an eyebrow at her, a little uneasy at her scrutiny.
“Why don’t you come in,” she finally choked out.