CHAPTER NINE
Cara
I COULDN’T BELIEVE we just did that in a diner, but he was right. It distracted me and took me out of my head for a little while. I had only eaten the fries, but I couldn’t tell you the last time I had been able to eat more than a bite before I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I hadn’t gotten sick this time at all and even though we still had to cut our trip short, it was still progress.
When he pulled into my driveway, he didn’t shut off the engine, so I took that as my sign to get out and head inside. Before I could open the door, he pulled me in for a kiss that was so indecent, I feared I would spontaneously combust.
“I’ll see you tomorrow night, Lollipop.”
I nodded and slid out of my seat. He pulled away before I got inside and part of me was a little sad that he didn’t wait around to make sure I got inside okay. I had to remember that we were just fucking and he was helping me. Neither of us expected more and I had to treat it that way.
Once I got inside, I texted Sarah that I would be over in the morning and thanked her for giving me the time I needed. She was understanding and told me to get my ass here early so that we could talk before all the kids got up. Early morning was our time to have girl talk before the little hellions got up and tore the house apart. I would miss our days together when she went back to work.
I made sure to be at Drew and Sarah’s bright and early the next morning. By the time Drew and Sarah came downstairs, I had coffee and breakfast on the table. Drew gave me kiss on the cheek and a big hug.
“God, I’ve missed you. Are you sure you’re alright to be here?”
“I’m good.”
“Look, about what Sean said-”
“You don’t need to worry about it.”
“I know you can handle him, but I wanted you to know that he was wrong to throw that in your face. I kicked the shit out of him after we left.”
“You did not,” I smiled.
His face turned serious. “Yes, I did. You’re like family to me and he is family to you. There’s no reason for him to speak to you that way.”
“Thank you. I appreciate you looking out for me.”
“So, you and Sinner, huh?”
“It’s nothing serious. We’re just having a good time and he’s helping me work through my issues.”
He nodded and smiled. “I’m glad you’ve got someone helping you. Just don’t bring him around Sean.”
“Why? Are you worried Sean will hurt him?”
Drew laughed. “Are you kidding? Sinner was Special Forces, a green beret. Sean can hold his own, but if Sinner tried, he’d have him down and out in two seconds.”
“So, you’re saying Mark was going easy on Sean?”
“Yeah, but don’t tell your brother that. I don’t know that his ego can take it.”
“What can’t Sean take?” Sarah asked as she entered the kitchen. “Ooh, you made breakfast.” She sat down and then I placed a mug in front of her, which she greedily scooped up. “And coffee! I missed you so much,” she said as she took a sip. Drew leaned down and gave her a kiss before devouring his breakfast in under five minutes.
“I have to run. We’re busy this week.”
“Okay, see you later, babe.”
Drew walked out the door and I sat down at the table with Sarah.
“So, tell me what happened.”
I recounted the whole story to her and she sat and listened to me without any judgment in her eyes. I finished with telling her what happened yesterday at the diner, which made her laugh.
“So it would seem Sinner is really as good as everyone says.”
“He’s very good,” I said, only slightly irritated by the fact that everyone seemed to know how good he was. “He got me out of my head and that’s what I needed.”
“So, how was it after Sean left?”
“It was hard. I mean, I’m doing okay now, but it was hard to hear him speak so callously about me.”
“Sweetie, you know he wasn’t trying to hurt you, right?”
“I know, but would you like to have all your mistakes thrown in your face?”
“No, and I don’t think what he did was right. I think Sean’s just scared. You’ve never told me everything that happened when you were taken and I don’t expect you to, but I’m sure he was very scared.”
“You know, I was so out of it when I came home that I don’t really remember much from the first few months other than being really scared all the time. I know it was hard for Sean to see me like that and I remember not wanting to be with my parents. They couldn’t handle it. My mom just kept crying and my dad just had this stern look all the time. I think my dad wanted me to just move on and my mom wanted to know what happened so she could fix me.”
“Drew said that he looked absolutely terrified when he walked in and saw you in the closet. I think Drew is still having a hard time with how he found you. He blames himself for not checking on you sooner.”
“Drew should know that it’s not his fault that I freaked out or that no one found me sooner. I don’t expect anyone to come take care of me like a child.”
“I know, but sometimes you have to let others help.”
I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my coffee. “Everyone keeps telling me that. How can anyone help me? No one’s ever been through what I have. The only person that knows what it’s like is Alex and there is no way either of us want to get together again and relive what that monster put us through. Although, between the two of us, she’s dealing with it a lot better than I am and she’s been through so much more.”
“You can’t know for sure that she’s doing better. Appearances aren’t everything and you know that.”
“Cole said pretty much the same thing.”
“You also have to realize that she has Cole to help her through all this. Maybe it’s just easier because she has someone that understands feeling completely lost.”
“So, I should find myself a strong man to scare away my demons?” I smirked.
“It sounds like you might have already found someone.”
I shook my head. “No, Mark is definitely not someone to rely on to be there until the end. The sex is great and don’t get me wrong, he’s been great as a therapy buddy, but he didn’t sign on for a lifetime commitment of crazy.”
“But he kind of did. He agreed to help you until you’re better and you guys are sleeping together. Don’t you think your emotions will start to get wrapped up in everything?”
“No, I know exactly what Mark can offer me and a relationship isn’t one of them. I’m not even asking for it. I can’t move on with someone when I’m so messed up. What we have is perfect. I’m getting fantastic sex and he’s helping me sort out my shit, and he’s getting sex on demand. It’s what works for us.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Cara. Maybe one day you’ll believe it.”
✯✯✯✯✯
“How are you feeling after our last session?” Dr. Penwarden asked. I sat across from him, knowing this would be an interesting session. After what happened last time, there would be no beating around the bush anymore. It was time to talk about what happened that day.
“I’m doing better now, but it was a rough few days.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
I nodded and picked at a loose thread on the armchair. I couldn’t look at him when I spoke. I was afraid I would start crying.
“When I was taken, every day I was tortured just enough to scare me. That’s what he liked to do to his victims. He enjoyed watching his victims suffer and feel their fear. That last day, he used his belt on me and-”
I took a few deep breaths, but I couldn’t continue.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to get it all out today. Why don’t we talk about what happened here last time? You got lost in a memory.”
“Yes, it was of that last day.”
“Which was the worst?”
“Yes, I try not to think of that day because it drags me back into the past and takes me days to get over.”
“Tell me what happened when you left here the other day. What were you feeling?”
“It was like I was back there and then when I left, I could feel his eyes on me, but he’s dead.” I shook my head and shivered at the chills running through my body. “The whole way home, my mind was playing games with me. I didn’t know if he was dead or still chasing me. I think I was back in those first days after I was released from the hospital. I went home and I was so scared that I hid in the closet for two days with a knife.”
“And what made you come out?”
“My neighbor found me. He was worried about me because I hadn’t gone to help Sarah out with the kids. When he found me, he called Sean.”
“What did it feel like to see familiar faces after two days of being scared?”
“I wasn’t sure it was real. It took me a while to remember where I was and who was around me. I..” I brushed the tears from my face and bit my lip to keep from crying out. “I had wet myself.”
“And you feel ashamed by this.”
I nodded. “I feel like I was finally healing a little and then I took ten steps back.”
“Setbacks are normal in the healing process. Granted, this was a large step back for you, but it’s not insurmountable. Why do you think you hid in a closet for two days?”
“I already told you, I was scared that he had come back for me.”
“But why were you scared? You know he’s dead and he can’t come back.”
“Because of what we talked about at my last session, what happened with Mark. It brought it all back.”
“Why do you think after all this time that these memories are coming back? You said this hasn’t happened in years.”
“Because I haven’t been put in the position to remember what happened. I stay away from situations that could bring on those memories.”
“Could be,” he smiled at me.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Doc, if you have a theory, please enlighten me. Stop playing mind games with me.”
“I’m not playing mind games. I’m trying to get you to see the answer. Now, what did your brother say when you told him everything that happened?”
“I didn’t tell him everything.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to relive it.”
“And why is that?”
“Why is that? Seriously, Doc, would you want to remember the worst day of your life?”
Dr. Penwarden set down his pen and paper on the table next to him and leaned forward to speak to me.
“Cara, why is it that you don’t want to talk to anyone about what happened?”
“Why do I feel like you keep asking me the same questions, but in different ways?”
“Because you aren’t answering the question.”
“I am! I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want to remember. I just want to move on with my life!”
“How do you expect to move on if you keep it all bottled up inside?”
“What?”
“You’re keeping this all for yourself, and that doesn’t allow you to heal.”
“So, if I go tell people about my tragic story I’ll be healed? Gee, why didn’t I do that sooner?”
“It’s not about telling everyone. It’s about allowing the story to be real. If you keep if for yourself, the demons will continue to eat at you. No one can help you because no one can understand you. I’m not saying to tell all your friends or even me, but you need to find someone that you trust and open up about what happened, otherwise, you will continue to live in your own personal hell.”
“But how does telling someone get me out of hell?”
“When you keep those thoughts to yourself, you allow them to control you. Your fear of judgement stems from this. Since no one knows your story, they come to their own conclusions. They whisper about you.”
“They would do that no matter what,” I muttered.
“They may, but you fear being judged if they knew what you had been through. Since you don’t tell anyone, that fear will only intensify as time goes on. Therefore, you’re giving your fears and your demons power over you.”
“So, I tell someone and then what?”
“That’s just the first step in healing. It’s been six years for you, so you need to work through everything that’s been building over the years. It’s not like waving a magic wand and making it all disappear. You have to want to work past all this and it won’t be easy. Your first step is deciding to open up and finally tell someone what happened.”
I wasn’t sure I was ready to open up yet, but it had been six years and I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to try to be better. I wanted a family someday and a man that loved me unconditionally. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to tell my brother, though he was the first person that came to mind. There was no way I was telling Mark. As much as I trusted him, he saw me as sexual right now and I didn’t want to tip the delicate balance of our relationship. It was one thing to let him see me vulnerable in social situations. It was another to have him know my deepest, darkest secrets.
✯✯✯✯✯
“Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you to the movies.”
“No, I don’t want to go to a crowded theater.”
“Relax. Where we’re going, you won’t have to worry about other people. We’ll work up to the actual thing. I hope you’re hungry, because we’re eating too.”
My stomach rolled at the thought of eating and sitting around a bunch of other people, but my therapist was right. I needed to keep trying if I was going to move on. I was surprised when we pulled into an old drive in.
“I didn’t know there were still drive ins.”
“This is one of the last ones that’s within driving distance.”
As he pulled into a parking spot, a voice came over the intercom telling us to place our order when we were ready. Mark order us two burger baskets and milkshakes.
“I’m not sure I can eat.”
“Relax, if you don’t finish it, I’m sure I’ll find somewhere to put it. I have an endless pit for a stomach.”
The setting was actually pretty nice. There were other cars, but no one could see us because it was dark and Mark had parked in the back.
“Where do you come up with all these ideas? You seem to know exactly what I need.”
“It’s not that difficult. I know what sets you off and so I find things to do with you that will still get you out, but not terrify you. Like this, we’re out at the movies and people are around. We’re going to eat a meal together, but no one can see us and there’s no one here to judge you. If you feel like it’s too much, you don’t even have to do anything because we’re still in the car.”
“You just think of everything, don’t you?”
He grinned and brushed a kiss over my lips. “Well, I much prefer that beautiful smile over tears.”
“And throwing up.”
“Definitely over throwing up.”
When the food arrived, I found that I was able to eat with no issues. I was actually starving and devoured my whole meal before Mark had really started. When the movie started, we sat in silence and enjoyed the movie. It was an old one that I had never seen before, Father Goose, and I found myself wrapped up in the storyline. Cary Grant was the lead male and he was stranded on an island with Leslie Caron who played a school teacher. They were trying to survive on the island with her students during World War II.
About half way through, Mark pulled me in closer to him and laid his hand across my shoulder. His fingers rubbed circles over the top of my breast while his other hand ran over my inner thigh.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I got hard sitting in a truck with a pretty girl?”
“I’m guessing you were in high school.”
He nipped at my ear as his hand slid down into my shirt and he played with my nipple. Picking up my hand, he placed it over his crotch where his cock was swelling.
“Oh, God. Are we really going to do this here?”
“Why not, Lollipop?”
“There are people watching.”
“You’ve been calm through this whole movie and you already ate all your dinner. That means that you feel comfortable enough that you trust people aren’t watching.”
He thrust his hips up into my hand and I responded with rubbing my hand over his jeans.
“Are you wet for me already?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m always wet when you’re around.”
“Pull your pants off so I can see your pussy.”