CHAPTER SEVEN
Cara
I STILL FELT completely drained from my whole ordeal over the past few days. It was Saturday and I pretty much spent all of Friday in bed trying to ease the ache in my muscles. When I woke this morning, I was still sore, but at least I could walk again. After taking a long shower, I dressed in some comfy sweats and a sweatshirt before going in search of coffee. Sean was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and reading the paper.
“I went into town for donuts,” he said without looking at me.
“What are you still doing here? Don’t you have a job?”
“I see your snarky attitude is still alive and well.”
“Seriously, Sean. You don’t have to stay here with me. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m sure you will be, but I haven’t been looking out for you.” He looked down and ran a hand over his jaw and sighed.
“Whatever it is, just say it.” I picked up the carafe and poured myself a cup of coffee.
“When you moved in with Sarah and Drew, I knew that you needed to get away from me. It made sense that you needed a change from seeing me all the time.”
“It was never about you, Sean. It was about me needing to get out of my comfort zone.”
“You said that Drew and Sarah were your family and that you would leave with them if Sarah had to run.”
I knew where he was going with this. I had hurt him deeply when I’d said that. I had wanted to take it back, but I was so angry and lost. Drew and Sarah had given me something I desperately needed, freedom to live. Sean wanted that for me, but his fear of me breaking down was shackling me into the world I had already created for myself.
“I was mad that you chose them over me. I had taken care of you for years and suddenly, they were more important to you than your own brother.”
“Sean-”
He held up a hand. “Please, let me finish. I understand now that you needed them. They weren’t around to witness everything you went through and you needed someone that wouldn’t look at you like I was. Cara, I still remember every detail about that day and..” He swallowed thickly and cleared his throat. “I chose to step back and give you space, but I think I really just didn’t want to face you.”
“And if you hadn’t taken a step back, you never would have met Lillian. Don’t feel bad for taking time for yourself. I understand that you were angry at me for choosing them over you and I never meant for it to come to that.”
“I know you didn’t. I can’t say that it didn’t hurt, but I understand. So, now that that’s out of the way, are you going to tell me what caused this setback?”
I spun my coffee cup in my hands as I thought about what to tell Sean, but in the end decided to be honest.
“I met someone and we decided to have a friends with benefits relationship.”
“You what?” he shouted.
“Stop. You don’t get to judge me. It’s been six years, Sean. I wasn’t going out meeting people and women have needs to. Could you go six years?”
I stared him down and that seemed to make him back off. He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “Fine. I guess I understand.”
“Anyway, when he took off his belt, it freaked me out, but he handled it. He was really great about it all.”
I watched as Sean’s fists clenched and unclenched. As much as he said he was fine with this, I was still his baby sister and he wanted to protect me.
“I met with my therapist and we started talking about it. I remembered what I felt in that moment and it took me back to the day.. I don’t know why it didn’t when it happened with him, but in my therapist’s office, I was back there reliving it.” I had never told Sean what happened to me, but over the years, he had understood enough from when I would have nightmares. “I passed out and when I woke up, I just had to get out of there. It was like I was just out of the hospital days after I was found. My mind was playing tricks on me and I couldn’t work it out.”
“That’s quite a big setback for you. That hasn’t happened in years.”
“I know.”
“Do you really think it’s wise to see this guy?”
“He’s going to be my therapy buddy.”
“What the hell is that?”
“Basically, he’s going to take me out and help me try to overcome my social anxiety.”
“Why him? I could do that with you.”
“He doesn’t judge me.”
“I don’t-”
“It’s not the same. He makes everything light, like it’s not a big deal. I’ve run into him twice when I was out and both times, he dragged me out of my own hell and made me laugh about it.”
“How is laughing about it helping anything?” He stood up and started pacing around the kitchen. “He’s not taking it seriously. This ass wipe is going to make you worse if he doesn’t take it seriously. This isn’t a good idea. I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have to like it, and did you ever think that you’re taking it too seriously? Whenever we go out, you stare at me like you’re waiting for me to freak out.”
“And you always do! I’m being prepared.”
“But you staring at me makes it worse. You’re just waiting for me to fail and watching me like that makes my anxiety worse.”
Sean sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Look, I won’t argue with you on this anymore. It’s your life and I’ll trust that you know what you’re doing, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop looking out for you. Now I just need you to give me his name and address so I can check him out.”
“Not gonna happen.”
“Cara, there is no way I’m letting some random guy that close to you after what happened.”
It was like a punch to the gut every time. I would forever be known as the girl who got kidnapped and now needed to be watched over. I slumped in my chair as a wave of exhaustion hit. My life was tiring and so was this argument.
“I’m tired. I’m going to lie down for a little bit.”
“This isn’t over.” His tone was curt but his face showed concern. He would still be here when I woke up because I had freaked him out. I still hadn’t really processed what had happened because Sean had been here and I felt safe again, but when he left, everything would hit me hard. So, as much as I wanted him to leave me alone, I dreaded the moment he actually did.
✯✯✯✯✯
My head was still fuzzy when I woke up. When I used to have episodes like this, it took everything out of me for days. My body was still recovering from sitting in that closet for two days, and emotionally, I hadn’t even attempted to recover. Other than my conversations with Sean earlier, I had mostly slept. At some point, I needed to deal with what happened or I wouldn’t be able to get back to where I was. Then I remembered that I had basically bailed on Sarah and Drew for how many days now? Four days. Shit. I bet Sarah needed a break, but I was in no condition to go care for little kids. Getting my phone, I called Sarah to check in.
“Cara? How are you? Drew told me what happened.”
“I’m doing okay. I’m still..I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“That’s okay. Just get better and we’ll be waiting when you’re ready.”
I heard gravel crunch in front of my house, which probably meant that Sean had gone out and was now returning.
“I’m sorry to leave you like this.”
“Cara, seriously, I can take care of my own children for a little bit. Besides, it’s good for Drew. You know, most people don’t have a live in nanny when they’re on maternity leave.”
Oh shit. Was I not really needed? Were they only keeping me around because they felt sorry for me?
“Sarah, I don’t mean to be a burden to you. I can take some time off if you don’t need me until you go back to work.”
“Fuck no. Are you kidding me? I was trying to make you feel better about not being here.” That’s what she said, but there was still a hint of hesitation in her voice. “Of course I need you. I’m going insane, but I’m making Drew step up and he’s doing a decent job.”
“Okay, if you’re sure.”
“There is no way I’m letting you get out of working for me. You’re a lifesaver, but you also need to get better, so take the time you need and then get your ass back here.”
I could hear raised voices outside, so I went to peek out the window. Sean was talking with Mark. Shit.
“Sarah, I have to go. I have a bit of a situation over here.”
I hung up before she could say anything and ran to the front door. I realized just as I opened the door how terrible I looked, but I could tell this conversation was already getting heated.
“She’s not seeing anyone right now. You need to leave.”
Sean was standing with his arms crossed over his chest with his legs spread wide.
“If something’s wrong then I want to talk to her.”
“Look, asshole. I just told you she’s not seeing anyone.”
“Sean! What the hell are you doing?” I asked as I ran up behind him.
“Do you know who this asshole is?”
“Yeah, he’s the guy I was telling you about.”
Sean’s eyes widened as he pointed a finger toward Mark. “This is the guy that did that to you?”
“Did what to her? I didn’t do anything.”
“You son of a bitch!”
Sean launched himself at Mark, tackling him to the ground. He swung and got in a few shots, but Mark fought back, flipping Sean on his back and getting in a few shots of his own.
“Stop! Both of you!”
Sean kicked Mark off him and they both stood, preparing to go at it again.
“She hid in a fucking closet for two days with a knife because of you!”
Confusion marred Mark’s face and he looked at me for answers. Sean took the opportunity to attack and then they were back at beating the shit out of each other. I stood there yelling at them to stop, but they wouldn’t listen. Footsteps behind me had me swinging around to see Drew running up behind me. He pulled Mark off Sean and stood between them as they tried to get to each other again.
“What the fuck is going on?” Drew yelled.
“This is the asshole that fucked with her head.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Mark yelled.
“Sean, he didn’t do anything!” I yelled.
“Then you explain why you were catatonic for two fucking days after he fucked you.”
Mark stepped toward me, but Drew stopped him with a hand on his chest.
“Everybody just calm the fuck down,” Drew said.
Shame washed over me as Mark stared at me like I was severely damaged. I knew that eventually he would see me as the broken girl I was, but I didn’t think it would be so soon.
“Do you know who this guy is?” Sean asked, but didn’t give me a chance to answer. “He works for Sebastian and he’s a fucking user. He goes through women faster than underwear.”
“We’re fucking, not in a relationship, so why do you care?” I asked.
“Because, you don’t need an asshole like that fucking with your head. He said he was going to help you, but then he left.”
“And why wouldn’t he?”
“You told me yourself that you freaked out, so why the hell didn’t he stick around to make sure you were okay?”
“Sean, this may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not a child that needs to be watched over.”
“Really? What would have happened to you if Drew hadn’t gone looking for you? You didn’t fucking move and you were holding a knife. You pissed all over the goddamn floor!”
My cheeks heated and tears filled my eyes and for just a second my brother’s face showed regret.
“Dude, that’s enough,” Drew said quietly. I couldn’t look at any of them. I thought it was humiliating enough to go through it once, but then to have my nose rubbed in it in front of a man that I was attracted to was more than I could take.
“Cara, I’m-” Sean started, but I interrupted, not wanting to hear his half-assed apology.
“Don’t. Just leave. I think you’ve made your point.”
I turned and walked back into the house, locking the door behind me. Not that it would have mattered. Every single one of those guys had a key to my house. I went and sat on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knees. I stared at that closet and wondered what would happen if I just hid away in there a little longer. Could I disappear? I was a nuisance to everyone around me. My brother babied me, Sarah and Drew needed me for child care, and the one man that I actually liked now knew that I pissed all over the floor. I was so tired of it all. I just wanted an escape.
“Can I come in?” Mark said from the doorway. I didn’t say anything, just stared at that closet. “You want to tell me what happened after I left?”
I still didn’t say anything. I felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep now. I closed my eyes and let my mind drift to when I was a child and I was actually happy. I felt the bed dip and then Mark pulled me into his arms and laid down with me. I didn’t understand why he did it. He didn’t owe me anything, but I was glad he did. I laid my head on his shoulder and drifted off to sleep, happy to escape my thoughts for a little while.
When I woke, it was dark outside and Mark was gone. I just laid there, unwilling to move yet and face life. I could feel myself sinking into a depression much like I had after I was first rescued. I thought I had found a lifeline in Mark, but maybe I was tricking myself into wanting to feel like I had someone that could truly help me. I knew I needed to make an appointment with my therapist and work through what happened, but he wouldn’t be available until Monday at the earliest.
After days of not really eating much, I could tell that I needed to eat something before I passed out from hunger. I grudgingly climbed out of bed and went in search of food, but there wasn’t a whole lot to eat. I hadn’t been to the grocery store in about a week. Usually I ate with Sarah and Drew, so I didn’t normally keep a lot of food in the house. Now, more than ever, I wished I had at least stocked some mac n’ cheese. The front door opened and Mark walked in carrying a bag of Chinese food.
“Hey, you’re up. You know you have no food in your house, right?”
“Why are you here?”
He gave me a funny look as he unloaded the food. “Because I came over to see you, but then you went to sleep.”
“But, why didn’t you leave? I mean, you heard what my brother said. Why didn’t you take off like a bat out of hell?”
“You know, I never really understood that saying. Do bats actually fly out of hell? First of all, bats are creepy, so one could assume that they belong in hell, so it would make sense that they wouldn’t fly out of there. On the other hand, it’s so fucking hot in hell that I doubt a bat could survive there.”
I just stared at him, trying to figure out what the fuck he was talking about.
“I didn’t leave because you seemed like you needed someone and your brother wasn’t exactly being supportive.”
“But I saw your face. You looked at me like I was damaged.”
“Well, you kind of are, but we already knew that,” he said with a smile.
“I just don’t understand why you’re hanging around me.”
“Well, you definitely keep it interesting. This whole knife in the closet thing is not something I’ve encountered before. I thought the throwing up in public was unique, but now I really want to hear what I missed while I was gone.”
His eyes smiled at me, but I could see the hint of concern, or was it fear?
“Did I fuck you up when I left?” he asked quietly.
“No, I was already fucked up and you know that.”
“But, was he right? Should I have stayed?”
“Mark, let’s get one thing straight. You and I are not a couple. You are not responsible for me and my well being. Okay?”
He nodded, but didn’t look like he believed me.
“You did not fuck me up. I was fine when you left. I had a therapy appointment on Wednesday, two whole days after you left. At the appointment, I was telling my therapist what triggered my panic attack when we were together. I got sucked back into memories and it all unraveled from there.”
“So, how did you end up in the closet holding a knife?”
I blew out a breath and played with the food that Mark put on a plate for me. “I passed out in his office and when I woke up, it was like I had just woken up in the hospital after I was rescued. My mind was all over the place and I couldn’t tell what was real. I knew that he was dead, but my mind kept questioning itself. When I got home, I just wanted to protect myself, so I hid in the closet.”
“For two days.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He didn’t bring up the pissing on the floor thing and I was grateful for that. Wanting to move on, I picked up my fork and started eating. Once I started, I realized that I was extremely hungry and finished my plate before Mark was even half done. I picked up the containers and piled more on my plate while Mark chuckled at me.
“How was work?” I asked around a mouth full of food.
“Not great. One of the guys I work with was shot.”
“Oh my God! How is he?”
“He’s out of surgery. Last I heard, the bullet hit close to his spine. They were able to repair the damage, but no one knows what will happen now. Kind of a wait and see game.”
“Does this sort of stuff happen often?”
“No, but I don’t think we took the job with all the information in hand.”
“That’s terrible. How are you handling it?”
He chuckled and got up to take a beer out of the fridge. Sean must have left it behind. “Aren’t we supposed to be talking about you being fucked up?”
“We could write a book on me. I’m sure we could spare a few minutes for you.”
He returned with his beer and took a seat, drinking half of it before continuing.
“Did you know Cal? He used to work with us.”
“The name sounds familiar.”
“He was the one that betrayed us.”
I cleared my throat. “Oh, he helped the psycho.”
“Yeah, I don’t know if you heard, but he died a while ago. He was protecting Maggie, Sebastian’s girlfriend.”
“Sebastian kept him on the team?” I asked in disbelief.
He nodded. “No one agreed with it, but the guy did what he did because his family was taken. Anyway, Cal was shot when he jumped in front of a bullet for Maggie. That’s what happened yesterday with Cazzo. It just brought up bad memories.”
I didn’t know what to say. Somehow, this man knew exactly what to say to me when I needed it, but I didn’t have a clue how to help him.
“So where do we go from here, Lollipop?”
“You mean, you still want to stick around after all you’ve witnessed?” I asked incredulously.
He had a gleam in his eyes that told me he wasn’t through with me by a long shot. “I guess that depends on if you still want to stick to our deal.”
“Fuck buddy and therapy buddy? I’m game.”
“Well, I don’t know what my schedule is over the next few days, but I’ll give you a call tomorrow when I know more.”
He picked up his keys and started for the front door.
“Where are you going? I thought you wanted to do the whole fuck buddy thing.”
“I don’t think tonight is the best night.”
“Why’s that?” I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Because we’ve both had a hard weekend. I don’t think it’d be a good idea.”
“Is that the way this is going to be? You think I’m too fragile right now to handle sex?”
He stalked toward me and pulled me against his body. “No, I think I’m too fucked up right now to be gentle with you. I think if I touched you the way I wanted right now, I’d end up fucking you through a wall. I have frustrations to let out and I can’t do that with you.”
“Why not? Because I’m too damaged?”
“No, because I would want to be on top of you, claiming you in every way possible. I would pound into you so hard that it would hurt for days. You’re not broken, Lollipop, but you’re not ready for me to climb on top of you and cage you in.”
He bent down and gave me a searing kiss, then turned and walked out the door.