We pull off at a gas station just a few hours out of my hometown to fill up and grab something to eat. As I fill the tank, my eyes wander the length of Kellee’s legs as she walks toward the store. I know I can’t touch her anymore, that I’ll never be able to do the things I want to do to her, but I can’t help but stare. No bullshit, she is the sexiest girl I’ve ever known. Judging by the looks she’s getting from others in the parking lot, looks that she doesn’t even acknowledge, it’s clear I’m not the only one who thinks so. And that’s the sexiest part about her – it’s effortless, she doesn’t even have to try and yet she stuns the shit out of everyone around her.
I watch the numbers change on the pump and tuck my hands into my pockets deeper, the cold seeping through. My mind races with Mariah – with how she was too sweet and too damn innocent to die this young, with how I wish someone like me could have taken her place, with her mom and how I wish I wouldn’t have ran like a pussy so I could be there to help her. It’s the day before Thanksgiving and she lost her only daughter. Suddenly, my running seems a hell of a lot more childish.
I also can’t deny that I’m strung out on the talk Kellee and I had earlier. I knew she wouldn’t just forgive me and we couldn’t go back to how things were, but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a huge part of me that wished for it and had hope that maybe I’d be a lucky son of a bitch and it would happen. Truthfully, I guess I should still consider myself lucky. After what I’ve put her through, Kellee shouldn’t ever want to see my face again, let alone be riding halfway across the country with me and being a better friend to me than I think anyone else ever has been. Honestly, I’m not even sure Paisley would drop everything during a holiday weekend to do something like this with me, and she’s the best friend I have.
Kellee jogs back out to the car with two bags swinging from her arms, little clouds of air escaping her lips, “It’s freaking cold!”
“Oh NOW you admit it,” I tease.
She flips me off playfully as we both slide back into the car. I don’t even have my seatbelt back on before she starts unpacking the bags. “I got us energy drinks, water for when we don’t want the sugary stuff anymore, beef jerky for protein, a bag of mixed chocolate candy bars because I wasn’t sure what kind you liked, and two bags of chips. I think I got us covered in the snack department.”
“My mom is going to love you,” I laugh, grabbing the bag of beef jerky.
“What?” Kellee asks, her face dropping. Shit, she’s probably reading way more into that statement than I intended.
“You’ll understand what I mean when you see the spread tomorrow,” I clarify, throwing the car into gear. She nods and smiles, but I can still see the wheels turning in her head. My mom and dad were both a little shocked when I told them I was bringing Kellee. My dad asked if my bed was going to be jealous. But all jokes aside, I knew they were going to adore her, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that made me a little uneasy. It’s easy to explain a girl best friend that I fell in love with, but trying to explain Kellee and I would require a few hours and multiple shots of Jack.
“Oh! And,” she says excitedly, reaching into the second bag. “I also got this!” She pulls out what has honestly got to be the ugliest bobble head I have ever seen and slaps it on my dash.
“A squirrel?” I ask, its bobbing head and toothy grin causing me to tuck my lips in to avoid laughing.
“Yep! The lady inside told me that it’s North Carolina’s state mammal. Isn’t he cute?”
“He?”
“Yeah! I named him Peanut,” she bops him on the head affectionately and his head bobbles out of control. I think back to the night we played 21 Questions and she told me how she used to love squirrels as a kid. She is so fucking adorable.
“So what is it with you and squirrels, anyway? I know you said you used to love them as a kid, too, but you never said why.”
Kellee shrugs, her eyes fixed on Peanut’s head as it continues bobbing. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess it’s because of my mom. We used to always go to this park by our house and there were a ton of squirrels there. One day, we grabbed a bag of peanuts and they walked right up to us and took them out of our hands. It was probably the coolest thing in the world to me at the time. I mean they were eating out of our hands!” she says excitedly. I laugh a little and she continues, “I started to ask for squirrel stuffed animals and stuff after that. When she left, I stopped going to the park, but I don’t know… I guess the squirrel thing just kind of stayed with me.”
Her eyes grow softer and she stares out the front window, a contemplative look on her face. I wonder if she’s really as over her mom leaving as she puts off. She came out with it so openly when I walked in her apartment for the first time that it made it seem like she didn’t care. She said it almost as easily as telling someone the weather forecast. But now, seeing her talk about an actual memory with her mom, I’m not so sure that’s how she really feels about it.
A million things run through my mind that I wish I could say to her right now, but every single one of them crosses the line we drew less than seven hours ago, so instead I just say, “Peanut. I like that name.”
She turns to look at me and the giant smile appears on her face again, “Yeah?”
“He’s perfect,” I say, returning her smile. She bites her lip and turns to look out the window again, that same awkward tension from before rearing its ugly head. I wish like hell I could hit rewind and take us back to that night at The Box before I screwed everything up.
My eyes are stinging like hell from my contacts, probably due to my form of crying. I can’t remember the last time I actually cried, but when emotions surge in me I have a bad habit of rubbing my face and holding my eyes open wide so no tears have a chance to form. This usually leads to my eyes getting dry as hell, and right now they feel like sandpaper.
I pull off just before we get back on the highway and reach in the backseat for my backpack, pulling out the lens container and removing my contacts. I slide on my glasses and pull right back on the road without so much as a minute passing. At first, I think I might be making it up but after a few moments I’m positive that Kellee is staring at me.
“Got something to say, Frecks?”
She snaps back to facing the front like I caught her with her hand halfway in the cookie jar. “Oh, um, no. I just, uh, I didn’t know you wore glasses, is all.”
I lift my brow, questioning. “And what? Now you’re too cool to be with the nerdy four-eyed kid?”
She laughs and relaxes, “No, it’s just that you look sexy as hell in them.” As soon as the words leave her mouth her eyes grow wide in shock and I know she’s cursing in her head, but she tries to stay cool. She leans forward quickly and turns the music up before looking out the window again. I don’t push her on it, but I can’t help the huge ass smile that settles on my face.
Maybe I should wear these glasses more often.
It’s a little after midnight by the time we pull past the small “Welcome to Oak Springs, Georgia – Home of the World’s Best Granite” sign and into the drive of my parents’ lake house. It’s a large, two story white house with forest green trim and accents. The front of the house makes it look like it’s only one story, but the view from the back reveals a deck that looks out on the lake and the lower floor that faces Mom’s garden. We moved here before I knew how to walk and it’s the only house I’ve ever known. It’s home.
I don’t even have the chance to park before Mom is bursting out the door and jumping up and down like a small child. My mom is only 5’2, a stark contrast to my dad’s towering 6’4 frame, and she’s about as thick as my left bicep. She teaches Zumba at the local gym and has been kickboxing ever since I can remember. Right now, she’s being swallowed by her oversized sleep shirt and baggy pajama bottoms, her dark chestnut hair tied up in a sloppy nest on her head.
“My baby boy is home!” she squeals, pulling me and my suitcase into a rib-crushing hug.
“Way to go, mom. She already thinks I’m a nerd because of my glasses, now she’ll know I’m a momma’s boy, too,” I tease.
“Oh!” she immediately drops me and runs for Kellee. “You must be Kellee. My goodness, aren’t you a pretty thing! We’re so excited to have you.” She takes Kellee in her arms and I can see that it’s a bit awkward for Kellee. I wonder if she’s thinking about her own mom.
“Thank you, it’s really nice to meet you,” Kellee says softly, smiling.
Mom turns back to me and gives me a strange look that I think means she’s trying to communicate to me that she thinks Kellee is hot. It looks more like she’s having a seizure, honestly.
“Dad up?”
“He passed out a few hours ago watching football highlights, but I’ll have him up bright and early helping me with the turkey so you can see him then. I’m sure you two are tired, anyway.”
“Exhausted,” I agree, though I know sleep isn’t going to come any easier tonight than it has the last few weeks. I can’t deny that Kellee being near me doesn’t make me happy, but Mariah’s death hasn’t fully set in. I’m not looking forward to my dreams tonight.
“Kellee, I made up our guest room for you. It has its own bathroom and there should be everything you need in there but don’t hesitate to ask if you need something.”
“I’m sure it’s more than enough,” Kellee says, smiling again. “I would be happy to help you in the kitchen tomorrow, Mrs. West, if you’d like to let your husband sleep and relax with Tanner.”
“Well bless your heart!” Mom says, delighted. “You are just the sweetest. I might take you up on that.”
Mom leads the way inside and after I finally convince her that we have everything we need, she turns in for the night and Kellee and I are alone again. She’s slowly wandering the edges of the house, looking at photos and I’m sure she’s falling deeper into her thoughts than I want her to.
“You okay, Freckles?”
She nods, not taking her eyes off a picture of me and Dad from a golfing event a few years back. “I love this house,” she finally says, her voice just above a whisper.
“It’s better in the daylight. I’ll take you down to the dock tomorrow morning and show you the boat. Actually, you’ll have a pretty nice view of it in the morning from your window.”
“You guys have a boat?” she turns to me, eyes wide.
“We do live on a lake for a reason,” I tease.
“Can we go on it?!”
I laugh, “Yeah, we can go on it.”
“I’ve never been on a boat!” She whisper-screams before throwing her arms around my neck. Almost instantly she realizes what she did, her face falling as the lightning fires in the space between us. She swallows, her lips parting slightly, then suddenly she pulls back and crosses her arms. “Sorry, I just got excited.”
“Me too,” I mumble as she turns back to the picture.
“Is this your sister?” she asks, pointing to another picture, this one from my undergrad graduation at UCF.
“Yeah, that’s Taylor. And that handsome little guy between us is her son, Caleb.”
Kellee smiles, “Will they be here tomorrow?”
“No,” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “She lives in Germany right now with her husband and Caleb. Her husband does government contracting over there. I miss them like crazy, but they’re supposed to come home for Christmas.”
Kellee’s eyes soften, “I’m sorry, I can’t imagine not being able to jump in a cab and get to my brother in a couple of hours.”
I shrug, “It’s okay, she’s happy over there and the good thing about contracting is that it doesn’t last forever.” I smile and try to lighten the mood, “Have you really never been on a boat?”
She shakes her head, “Nope. I almost went on a cruise for spring break last year but changed my mind at the last minute.”
“Why?”
She shrugs, “Needed to work.”
I chew my lip, hating that Kellee has given up so much to do what she thinks will make her dad happy – what she thinks will make her different than her mom. I wish I could make her see that she doesn’t have to try to be a good person, she’s already amazing without effort.
“We should probably get some sleep,” she says before I have the chance to speak.
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything. Shampoo, more pillows, a hot piece of man candy to cuddle with.”
Kellee rolls her eyes, but I wanted to make her smile and it worked. “Oh? You know where to get me some hot man candy? I’ll leave my window cracked. Just tell them to sneak in.”
Even though I know she’s kidding, anger flares in my fists and I clench my jaw. The thought of someone else touching her literally makes me want to throw an imaginary man through the wall. The worst part is, he won’t always be imaginary. She drew a line for us, a line that puts me in strict friend territory, which means just like with Paisley – I’ll have to watch her fall in love with someone else eventually.
I shake the thought from my head, deciding to just deal with that later.
“Are you going to be able to sleep?” she asks seriously, her gray eyes searching mine.
I shrug, “I don’t sleep much lately.” The sincerity of that statement seems to soak in and Kellee just nods softly.
“I know the feeling.”
We both stand there, her arms still crossed and my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching out to touch her. Finally, she closes the gap and lifts up on her toes to plant a small, light kiss on my cheek.
“Goodnight, Tanner.”
“Night, Frecks.”
She turns and walks up the stairs to the guest room and I fall onto the couch, my cock throbbing in my sweatpants almost as hard as the ache throbbing in my chest. I close my eyes and try to relax, to focus on something that brings me peace, but my mind just alternates between flashbacks of Kellee’s stone eyes and Mariah’s sweet smile. I focus on my breathing, the in and out and the rising and falling of my chest, and soon a sort of calm that only home can bring me falls all around.
And though I’ve been driving for twelve hours and I know my mind isn’t the sharpest right now, just before I drift off I swear I hear the sound of a window opening upstairs.