The huge smile that’s always cemented on my face when I’m inside Bellevue Hospital instantly vanishes as soon as I walk through the doors and I’m back on the New York City streets. I wish it would stay, wish there was something – anything – that could make me as happy as those kids make me. But there’s only one person who has that power, and right now she’s probably curled up in the arms of the one military douchebag who was lucky enough to get her to stay with him.
Fucker.
Although, I can’t deny that I wasn’t genuinely smiling when I ran into the bartender from The Box last week. I still can’t believe she was at an underground concert. I’ve never met a girl who was into the same music as me, which is surprising seeing as how music is probably the most important thing to me other than school and my career. Frankly, I don’t know how the band played with her perfect breasts pushed up in that BNLS tank she was wearing. I had to stuff my hands in my pockets to fight the urge to reach out and pull her to me every time I saw the lead singer glance down at her. I wanted him to know she was with me, but then I remembered.
She wasn’t.
I shake my head and dig in my scrub pocket for my phone, hitting Dad’s picture on my missed calls screen. After a few rings, his strong voice beats through the speaker, “Hey, son. Just waking up? Lazy bum.”
I smile, “Ha ha, very funny. I think I’m in love with my bed; I’ve been thinking about it non-stop for about three hours now.” I work the night shifts on most Saturdays and put in a lot of my residency hours during this shift. I already work way more than I’m required, but I love being with the kids, so I just go even if I’m not scheduled to be there.
“Well, I’m not sure she’ll make a very pretty bride, but at least you don’t have to worry about her cheating,” Dad jokes. “Your mom and I are on our way out to do some golfing with the Carters.”
“Oh boy, and by that I’m assuming you mean that you and Mr. Carter are going to golf while Mom and Cindy giggle and drink wine coolers in the golf cart?”
Dad laughs, “You know us so well. I just called earlier to see if you were still planning on coming home for Thanksgiving. I know it’s still a ways away, but you know your mother.” I can almost feel Dad rolling his eyes, thinking about all the preparation that goes into one holiday dinner. I swear my mom starts thinking about Christmas dinner in April.
“Oh yeah, I know,” I laugh, too. “Yeah, I still think I’ll be able to come. But it depends on if they need me here at the hospital. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Well you know I know what that’s like, but it sure would be nice to see you,” Dad says. He has his own practice now, but he worked in various hospitals in the ER all through his twenties and early thirties.
Dad grows quiet on the other end, and I know before he asks that he’s worried about how I am. He’s been there for more than one of my drunken episodes over Paisley, and I’ve definitely given him reason to worry, but he’s never chastised me for it. He understands, probably more than anyone.
“I’m fine, Dad. Stop worrying over there, you’re stressing me out,” I joke, trying to lighten the sudden shift of mood.
Dad sighs, “I know, I’m sorry. I just want you to know I’m still here, always here, even if you just need me to crack open a beer with you over the phone.”
I laugh, “I might take you up on that soon, but right now I just want to sleep.” I’ve reached the subway and I always lose service once I go underground, so I lean against the railing at the top of the stairs and try again to reassure him. “I really am okay, though. It’s not going to be easy, not for a long time, but I’m okay. Being at the hospital helps the most.”
“Well then it’s a good thing you love what you do. I’m proud of you, son.”
I can’t help but beam when the words leave his mouth. I’ve always wanted to be like my dad, and even though he’s never been shy about telling me he loves me or that he’s proud of me, it still means something to me every time he says it.
My phone beeps in my ear and I see Benny’s face light up the screen. “Thanks, Dad. I gotta run, Benny’s calling on the other line. Have fun golfing and tell Mom I said not to drink and drive at the same time – pun intended.”
Dad laughs his deep belly laugh, “I’ll do that. Call me this week sometime for that beer.”
I smile and end the call, switching over to Benny.
“Bro, please tell me you saw the new residents when you were leaving this morning. There are two blonde twins in this class. TWINS.” Benny is a lot like me, hell I’d even go as far as to say he’s practically my twin, except that he isn’t as stupid as I am and he actually avoids falling in love. I always thought I was smart enough to escape it, too – but Paisley ate right through that notion.
“Na, I didn’t see them. You know me, I’m pretty focused when I’m in there.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Benny says, dismissing me. “You going to The Box tonight?”
“I don’t know, I’ve been at the hospital for fourteen hours and I really want to enter into a long-term relationship with my bed right now.” I know I’m bullshitting, since sleep is something I rarely see anymore, but I’m not sure I’m up for a night out.
“Aw come on, man! Some of the newbies are coming out, including those twins, and I really need my wing man. Besides, that hot little bartender is supposed to be working tonight, and I think she has the hots for me.”
I perk up at the mention of Kellee, “Kellee is going to be there?”
“If Kellee is the smoking hot blonde with the killer legs and perfect rack, then yes.”
I want to shove my fist through the phone and punch Benny square in his jaw, which is fucking ridiculous seeing as how I’ve talked to this girl twice. I shake my head, “Yeah man, I’ll come. Just meet at my place at ten and we can get a cab together.”
“Fuck yeah! Maybe we can get T Dubs back on his game,” he laughs. “Oh, and by the way, I’m bringing the twins. See you at ten!” He hangs up and my “Wait, Benny!” goes unheard. I curse under my breath and shove my phone back in my pocket as I head downstairs to the subway.
This should be interesting.
We stumble out of the cab and into The Box around eleven. When Benny showed up at my place with the twins, they were actually much hotter than I gave him credit for over the phone. I guess I should have trusted his judgment, but he doesn’t exactly have the best track record.
He staked his claims on Bailey, the oldest twin by two minutes, and that left me with Bethany. We pre-gamed a little harder than necessary and now our arms are slung over the twins and their hands are roaming our bodies like we aren’t in public as we join the rest of the residents inside The Box.
Bethany is still telling me about the “amazing deal” she got on the dress she’s wearing as we wade through the crowd. I told her it looked nice on her in the cab, not knowing that would open the floodgate for a play-by-play of how it got in her closet. She may be hot, but I honestly want to slam my head into the bar. I could have better conversations with a chalkboard.
“So yeah, it was a pretty good steal. And this is actually the first time I’m wearing it, so you should feel special,” she finishes, winking at me as we slide up to the bar.
“Yeah, so special,” I mumble, anxious to get another shot of whiskey to drown out her voice. When we were in the cab, one of the millions of songs that remind me of Paisley came on and now I’m getting the uneasy feeling that she’s going to be on my brain all night. Damn, Tanner. You should just go home. This isn’t going to end well.
We wait at the bar, joking with the other residents, and finally Bailey drags Bethany to the bathroom. I’m seriously contemplating ditching when a pair of hands covers my eyes.
“Guess who?” a sweet voice chimes.
“Hmm,” I feel across the top of the hands, not really having to because I swear I’ll never be able to forget that voice for as long as I live. “Judging by the lack of fingernails present, would I be right to assume these are the hands of the anxious groupie from the Bad News Love Story concert?”
Kellee pulls her hands back and swats me on the arm as I turn to face her. “Hey! I am not a groupie. Would I have gone home with Dirk and let him tie me up with his guitar strap? Absolutely. But that’s beside the point.” She winks and grabs a fresh glass from under the bar, making my jeans tighten at the sight of her leaning over. The color of her eyes is still hard to decipher, but they’re glowing against her skin and her tiny freckles are begging me to touch them.
“Damn, I didn’t know that’s how it worked. Did I tell you I play guitar?” I half joke. Technically I only play one song, the one that I played for Paisley the night I kissed her. I bought a guitar not too long after I got back from seeing her and that was the only song I wanted to learn. But I’m finally trying to learn more, to forget about her and move on. It’s the thought that counts, right?
“Mm hmm, sure you do,” she smiles. “What can I get you?”
“Your phone number,” I shoot back quickly, leaning over the bar a bit. I know it’s another corny line to add to the rapidly lengthening list I’ve used with her, but I can’t help it. I’m intrigued by this girl, and for the first time in a long time I don’t just want to get her in my bed.
Although I wouldn’t be opposed to that option, either.
“Hm, I don’t know how to make that one. How about a Jack and Coke?” she cocks her brow and starts making the drink before I even respond.
“How’d you know that’s my drink of choice?”
“I have a sixth sense. I can tell what liquor ails each and every person I serve,” she slides the glass into my hand, softly grazing my fingertips with hers. “Also, I was your bartender two weeks ago, and it’s all you ordered.”
I smile, “Touché. So does this mean I get to hear you sing again tonight?”
She goes to answer, but Bethany interrupts, “Tanner! Did you get me a drink?” She slides up beside me and loops her arm inside mine, pursing her lips together as she turns to face Kellee. Kellee backs away and her eyes meet mine. I can’t tell for sure, but she looks like she might be jealous.
Please, please be jealous.
“I didn’t, but my friend Kellee here would be happy to make one for you. What would you like?” I smile at her and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. She practically swoons in my arms and I kind of want to hurl, but if it gets me Kellee’s attention, I’m willing to play the game.
“Actually, your friend Kellee was just about to take a fifteen,” Kellee says curtly, whipping the towel off her shoulder and onto the bar. She turns and I jump up from my barstool and meet her at the opening in the bar.
“What’s wrong?”
“Are you kidding me?” she huffs, trying to slide past me. I grab her arm and pull her closer. I hear the breath hitch in her throat and I want so badly to lean down and press my lips to hers, but I refrain.
“What? You didn’t want to come home with me the other night, so I had to move on. Trust me, I’d much rather have you.” God, what the hell am I saying? I’m being such an ass right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if she hauled off and slapped me across the face.
“Well I’m glad to see you have your backup plan,” she eyes Bethany with a fiery glare and then turns back to me. “And trust me, there’s plenty of guys in line before you, so I’m not worried about who you take home.” She rips from my grip and storms away, leaving me steaming.
I know I shouldn’t care, and most importantly shouldn’t believe her – it’s obvious she’s just pissed, but the thought of another guy with her sets me on edge. I clench my fists together and feel my jaw tense as Benny walks up to me, my drink in his hand.
“Hey bro, you scammin’ on my girl?” he lifts a brow and hands me my drink.
I give him a death glare and then down the whiskey in one swig, letting it burn my chest, “She’s not your girl.”
“Whoa, I was kidding,” he throws his hands up in mock surrender. “Easy, killer. Where’s Bethany?”
I nod to Bethany, still sitting by the bar and watching my every move. She points at me and wiggles her finger for me to come join her just as the DJ announces that karaoke is starting. I sigh, deflated, “I need another drink.”
It’s almost two and I’m wasted. Bethany left me alone about an hour ago after I made some asshole comment that I can’t even recall right now, and the sad thing is I don’t really care. I was glad to get rid of her.
Kellee has been eying me all night, at first with disgust like she hated me, but then it slowly faded to concern and I felt her watching every time Sal slid a new drink into my hands. I wasn’t sure which one I hated more.
I take another swig of my drink, all but draining it when the DJ announces last call and ends karaoke. I’m about to try to find Benny when I hear the soft melody of Edge of Desire by John Mayer fill the bar.
Mother fucker.
I wanted to play this song for Paisley the night I kissed her, but I went with an underground song instead. I didn’t want to share our song with anyone else, and I wanted that song to be as special to her as it was to me. Even though I didn’t go with this song, it still always reminds me of her.
It was a perfect night, until she pushed me away. I’ll never forget the feel of her lips on mine, the way she kissed me back at first – and I definitely won’t forget her soft eyes glossing over as I pulled out of her complex, so pissed off I couldn’t see straight after she told me she didn’t see me in that way. I thought it was because she really loved me and was trying to fight it, but it turns out it was because she loved him, no matter how much she may have wanted to love me.
I feel sick.
I slam my glass down on the bar and beeline for the door, letting the cool early morning air rush my hot skin as I throw my back against the wall outside The Box. Every alarm in my body is sounding off, telling me I should just wave down the next cab and sleep it off, but I don’t give a fuck. I pull out my phone and before I think better of it, I dial her number.
“Tanner?” she answers, her voice groggy with sleep. “Are you okay?”
I choke back the uneasy feeling in my throat, knowing this girl has the power to make tears spill down my face like a little fucking baby if she wanted to. I just sit and savor her voice, breathe in her sweetness.
“Tanner?” she asks again.
“No, I’m not okay,” I finally say, just above a whisper. “I’m not fucking okay.”
“What happened? Is your family alright?”
I laugh, shaking my head. This girl doesn’t even know what she does to me. I go to respond when I hear a muffled voice in the background and then Paisley softly answering that it’s me on the phone.
Corbin.
I hang up and throw my phone before she can call back. It lands a few feet from me and doesn’t break. I stand up and storm toward it, ready to smash my heel into the screen when a hand grabs my arm.
“Tanner don’t, just let it go,” I turn around and meet Kellee’s soft eyes. She moves in front of me and picks up my phone, tucking it in her pocket. I drag my fingers through my hair and turn away from her, screaming with all I have in me. My voice barrels through my chest and echoes off the buildings, sending each aching note flying right back in my face. People from inside The Box and across the street are staring at me, but I don’t give a shit.
I turn back to Kellee, “I… she… damnit!” I don’t even know where to start, how to explain. I don’t even know what I’m trying to explain. Kellee moves toward me and the closer she gets, the harder I breathe. My heart pounds in my chest but I feel it all the way up into my ears. She stops just inches away from me, her eyes staring up into mine. I can almost see what color they are, but my vision is blurry and we’re hidden from the lights above. Her hand reaches out for mine, and I instinctively want to pull it away, but I let her hold it.
“Come home with me.”
She doesn’t know it, but those four words save me. I nod and before I have time to process, I’m sitting in the back of a cab on the way to her place, her hand still holding mine.