If there’s one positive thing I can say about myself, it’s that I’m unusually good at keeping my cool. But tonight? Tonight is different.
I am fucking nervous.
I pull up to Kellee’s a little after nine. It’s a little colder than I expected it to be and I pull my jacket closed, hopping out of the cab and walking toward the door. I’m about to walk inside the building when I realize she’s standing outside, right near where the cab pulled up, except I didn’t recognize her.
Hell, I still don’t.
Kellee’s long blonde hair is flowing all around her in soft curls. She’s in a dress, which is a first for me to see, and damn if she isn’t the best thing I’ve ever seen in a flowy piece of fabric. It’s black and strapless with some shiny diamond-like shit all along the bust. Her legs stretch on for miles and she’s wearing high heels, another first for me to see. I kind of want to just take her back upstairs and see her in only those heels.
“Hey,” she says softly, nervously. I can feel the tension – I think we both can. I’m silently praying that tonight won’t be a total fucking disaster, but I can’t decide really what would make it a disaster in the first place. Part of me is worried about Kellee and how she will feel around Paisley, but another part of me is worried about how I’ll feel when I see Paisley again.
I’m such a fucking chick right now.
“You look, damn,” I fumble, trying to find the right words. “Kellee, I don’t even know how to accurately describe it. You are beautiful.”
She smiles now, and not a fake smile but a genuine, cheeks flushed, cute as hell smile. “There you go being sweet again,” she says playfully. “Better be careful, word might get around.”
“We can’t have that, can we?” I smile, trying to keep the easy conversation going as I hold the cab door open for her. As she steps closer and ducks inside, I notice that she’s wearing more make-up than usual. Normally I’m not impressed by girls who wear a lot of make-up, but Kellee looks gorgeous without it. Now, it’s like she’s on a whole other level.
“You act like you’ve never seen a girl in a dress before,” she says as I join her in the cab.
“I’ve never seen you in a dress before.”
“Wow,” she says. “Looks like I got one of your firsts, for once.”
I smile, “Indeed it does.”
I reach over and rest my hand on her thigh. As soon as my skin hits hers, she tenses. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s unsure or if she’s thinking of last night. I like to think the latter, which really turns me on. Again, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have just taken her back upstairs and skipped this all together.
But, I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to see Paisley – even if she did bring her douchebag Army boy with her.
The rest of the cab ride is silent other than Kellee’s breathing, which I notice gets more unsteady the closer we get. I feel her thigh start to sweat a little beneath my palm, so I lean over and pull her in for a long kiss. I press my lips to hers, kissing her deep until she moans a little and I slip my tongue inside and massage hers with mine. I run my thumb across her cheek and nibble at her bottom lip a little before pulling back.
“What was that for?” she asks a little breathlessly.
“Nothing. Just because I wanted to. And because I’m afraid you might jump out the window any second.”
She smiles, but it’s a weak smile. “I’m fine.”
We pull up at The Box and I help Kellee out of the cab, noting that she’s not completely stable in her heels. It’s actually really fucking adorable because she’s wearing those heels for me. Once again, I make a mental note to get her alone in just those shoes later.
Paisley texted me just before I picked Kellee up and said she was already here, so as we walk in my nerves start going haywire as I search the bar for her. When my eyes finally catch hers from across the room, I instantly calm.
She hasn’t changed one bit.
“Tanner fucking West!” she yells, running toward me. She hits me with a force and throws her arms around my neck, drowning me in the scent that’s haunted my dreams for so long. “God, I have missed you!”
“Damn Corbin, can’t you contain your chick? Running around throwing herself at other guys like that,” I joke, trying to keep the peace I established with Corbin the day I told him the truth about Paisley and I just being friends back in Orlando. I think I finally earned his trust when he was deployed and I went to visit Paisley a few times. I don’t really care much to have his trust or his friendship, but if it’s the only way I can keep Paisley around, I’ll take one for the team.
“Oh ha, ha,” Paisley says, dropping out of my arms and onto her feet. Corbin is standing just behind her now, smiling that smile that swept Paisley off her feet. He reaches out his hand and shakes mine in a firm, businessman-like way. It kind of annoys me, but I keep a straight face.
“Good to see you, Tanner. I never got to properly thank you for taking care of my girl while I was gone.”
I force a smile, “Ah, she was pretty easy to take care of. Fed her twice a day, took her out when she needed to go pee.”
“You are such an ass,” Paisley chimes her signature line and I smile. She really hasn’t changed, not like I thought she would when Corbin came back. Even after all this time, she’s still the same girl I’ve always known. Her bright green eyes are like neon against her tan skin, her smile bigger than I’ve seen it in a long time. I kind of hate it, because I know it’s mostly because Corbin is back. Her auburn hair is pulled up in a loose, curly pony tail and she’s wearing a red dress and shiny heels, which is completely normal for her and her best friend McKenzie. They always loved to get dolled up.
Kellee clears her throat.
“Oh, Paisley this is Kellee. Kellee, Paisley and her boyfriend, Corbin.”
Paisley turns to Kellee and then back to me, questions in her eyes as Kellee reaches out to shake her hand. “You really suck at introductions,” she says, moving in to hug Kellee instead. “Hi, I’m Paisley. I’ve been Tanner’s best friend for years, it’s so nice to meet you! Sorry, I’m a hugger.”
Kellee laughs a little, “I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s nice to finally put a face with all the stories.”
“Oh shit, I’m not sure I want to know the stories you’ve heard,” Corbin chimes in behind Paisley. We all laugh and make our way to the bar, Paisley grabbing Kellee by the arm and leading the way.
Seven drinks and countless inside jokes later, Paisley is filling me in on her bakery development and the conference she’s in town for. I’m trying to listen intently, but I’m having a hard time focusing.
Corbin is always touching her.
He grabs her hip, rests his hand on her back, kisses her neck. I’m trying not to think about it, but seriously she’s like two fucking feet away from me. How the hell am I supposed to ignore it?
“So I guess it’s karaoke now?” Paisley asks as the DJ pulls up the monitor and a few people start lining up at the table with the song book.
“Looks that way. You ready to go drop Ice Ice Baby on them like old times?”
She busts out laughing. God, I have missed that laugh. “Oh my God, that was one time! You’ll never let me live it down, will you?”
“Hell no! You’re lucky I didn’t have a phone with video recording capabilities back then.”
Kellee taps me on the shoulder, “Hey, I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be back in a second.” She doesn’t give me time to respond before she’s up out of her barstool and halfway across the room. She’s been quiet all night, and although I’m a guy and kind of terrible at being able to tell shit like this, it seems like she’s a little pissed off.
Sal hands me another drink but holds his grip on it as I try to lift it. “Hey, did you forget she was here or are you really just that much of a fucking moron?”
I frown, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about Kellee. You know, the smoking hot blonde who’s more done up than I’ve ever seen her yet practically invisible to you?”
“She’s not invisible to me, Sal.”
“Could have fooled me,” he says, releasing my glass. “You need to open your eyes, kid. A girl like Kellee isn’t going to stick around and put up with your shit for long.” Sal shakes his head and walks to the other end of the bar. I sigh, I guess I’m really sucking at this “don’t be an asshole” thing. Now that I think about it, I have been kind of ignoring her ever since we got here. I mean, not on purpose, but I have been so wrapped up in talking to Paisley and joking around with her that I haven’t really focused on Kellee like I should.
Shit. I really do suck.
“Oh my God, Tanner! It’s our song!” Paisley says excitedly. Three drunk guys are singing Your Love by The Outfield, an old 80s song Paisley and I used to sing at closing time at a college bar called Sticky’s in Orlando. Personally, I think this song should be saved for closing time when you’re so drunk you can barely stand, but I guess these guys are practically there already. Paisley grabs my hand, “Come on! Come dance with me!”
She pulls me out to the make-shift dance floor in front of the karaoke stage and we start jumping up and down, singing at the top of our lungs with the three drunk guys who get even more loud and slurred when they see us join in. I glance over at Corbin to make sure I’m not pissing him off. Oh who am I kidding, I kind of hope I’m pissing him off, but he’s at the bar talking with Kellee. I watch as they cheers a shot and down it. I have to admit it kind of pisses me off to see him with her, no matter how wrapped up in Paisley he might be.
The song goes dead and Paisley laughs and laughs, the booze clearly getting to her. Next, a girl who can’t be a day over twenty-one steps on stage and starts singing a slow song. I’m not familiar with it, which is saying something considering I know all kinds of music, but she’s got a decent voice and it’s not bad.
Paisley throws her arms around my shoulders and we start swaying, her body dangerously close to mine. I know this is usually normal for us, our friendship has always been one that from the outside probably looks like a lot more, but with all that’s transpired in the past year, it feels odd having her this close to me.
“So, are you going to tell me why you really called me a couple weeks ago?”
“I did tell you,” I try to sound sincere, but it’s pointless. Paisley sees right through me.
“Don’t bullshit me. I know things are kind of weird for us, but I don’t want them to be. I thought we were fine, back to normal – or at least getting there. But then I got that call, and I could just hear it in your voice, Tanner. You’re not okay, are you?”
I chew the inside of my bottom lip. “I don’t know, I mean I am but I’m not, if that makes sense. Paisley, I really was in love with you,” I say was like I’m not still, but I’m not sure if that’s completely true. “I think I’m just going to need some time. Some days are good, some suck.”
“Are the good days when you’re with Kellee?” she asks, looking behind me at the bar. I turn and see Corbin handing Kellee another shot, but her eyes are locked on mine. Something is different in those stormy grays, something unsettling.
“Yeah. She’s a really great friend,” I say, kicking myself. Why did I just tell Paisley she was my friend? I mean, I guess technically that’s what she is, but we both know it’s more than that, too.
“Well, just be careful, okay?”
I turn back to her, “I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not worried about you, Tanner. I’m talking about her.”
I tilt my head, “I don’t understand.”
“God, you really are such a boy,” she sighs. “Can’t you see that girl is crazy about you? She looks like a million bucks tonight yet I’m pretty sure she’d have to do a naked cartwheel to get your attention. I don’t think she sees you as just a friend.”
“Well, we’re not exactly just friends. Shit, I don’t know what we are. It’s complicated.”
“Want my advice?” she asks, pulling her arms from around my neck. “Uncomplicate it. Don’t make excuses. Some of life’s biggest heartaches come from missed opportunities and lame excuses. Don’t miss out on what could be the best chapter in your life because you’re too busy rereading the last one.”
“Easier said than done,” I mumble.
“Look over there,” Paisley says, motioning to Kellee. She and Corbin are turned back toward the bar now, her gray eyes no longer focused on me. “It doesn’t take a scientist to see that this girl wants you. I don’t know how much she knows about us, but I’m sure this isn’t easy for her. She’s here because she cares about you, Tanner.”
I know Paisley is right. Kellee is probably the most beautiful woman in this entire bar, maybe this entire city. Even from the back, she looks fucking amazing, and I know I’m crazy for asking her to come with me tonight. But I needed her. I still need her – I just can’t decide if any of this is fair to her. Sal’s right, she shouldn’t put up with the shit I ask her to, she shouldn’t have to deal with my feelings for a girl who never loved me the way I loved her.
But she does.
She’s here with me.
God, I really want to kiss her.
“You really suck sometimes,” I turn back to Paisley, smiling.
“Why? Because I’m always right?” She smiles and nudges my arm, “Now come on, I need another drink!”
“Me too,” I say, because seriously I need like a whole fucking bottle right now. As we head toward the bar, I see Kellee toss down another shot with Corbin. She looks like she’s enjoying herself, but there’s still something in her eyes that’s not quite right.
Wait.
Kellee is taking shots.
Kellee doesn’t fucking drink.
Suddenly, I’m pissed. I storm past Paisley and straight up to Corbin, the heat rising from my skin. Corbin sees me coming and stands up, meeting my chest with his as I get in his face.
“Why the fuck are you giving her shots? She doesn’t fucking drink, you dick.”
“Tanner, you don’t want to go there with me,” Corbin threatens, pushing me away. I shove him back hard against the bar, adrenaline rushing through me. First he takes Paisley, now he’s fucking with Kellee. I’m done with his shit.
“I’m already fucking there, Army boy. Stay away from her.”
“Hey,” Kellee yells, pulling me around to face her. “I’m a big fucking girl and I can drink if I damn well please.”
“You don’t drink.”
“Well tonight, I do.” Her gray eyes have turned to absolute stone, a drunken glaze folding over them. Suddenly, she turns on her heel and stomps toward the stage, taking the mic from the DJ and climbing the stage. My breath is heavy in my chest, the heat still rushing through me as my fists clench.
“This one’s for all the so-called men out there who like to play games with every girl’s head they can get their grimy hands on. Here’s to you, and to me falling for your shit for the last time,” she lifts the shot in her hand high into the air as a few people cheer. As she shoots it back and slams it down on the barstool next to the mic, Pat Benatar’s Heartbreaker starts playing and that amazing voice that I heard the first time I met her comes back to life.
Only this time, it’s laced with venom, and I’m pretty sure it’s directed straight at me.
The longer she sings, the more people stand and cheer. She really does have an incredible voice, and pair that with probably her first time being drunk and this angry and let’s just say it’s more entertaining than a Guns N’ Roses concert on shrooms.
“Tanner, you have to talk to her,” Paisley says, moving in beside me. Corbin is holding her hand now and clearly isn’t affected by me getting in his face in the slightest.
Damn it.
“I fucked up. I always fuck up,” I feel it coming again, the same feeling I had the night Paisley left me in her apartment after I told her I had lied to Corbin and told him she loved me. It’s a deep, powerful disappointment – an ache in my chest that knocks the breath out of me.
“Tanner,” Paisley turns me around to face her. “Talk. To. Her.”
I nod, but every word Kellee sings sobers me more and more and suddenly I feel like the weakest man in the fucking world. Like I don’t deserve to talk to her, to fight for her to care about me. Why should she?
After she sings the last note, the bar erupts into a frenzy and she drops the mic like some bad ass MC before storming off the stage and out of the bar. I turn to Paisley to say goodbye, but she throws her hands up, “Go! I’ll call you later.”
I give her a half smile, silently thanking her and give Corbin a slight nod, not really caring how he feels about the situation. If anything, he looks smug – which just really pisses me off because he has the right to be. He’s got the girl I wanted, and now the girl I brought with me is also pissed at me.
Fucking perfect.
I shove the door open and rush out onto the sidewalk just as Kellee hails a cab. “Kellee, wait!”
She whips around, her eyes boring into mine, “Why the fuck should I wait, Tanner?”
“Just,” I catch up to her, panting a little. “Just wait a second. Talk to me, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” she screams incredulously, slamming the cab door shut. The cab drives off and she gets even more pissed. “Are you serious right now or is this some kind of joke? Am I getting Punk’d? Ashton! You can come out now!”
“Kellee,” I try to reach for her hand but she rips it away. “I’m sorry, just please give me a second before you run off.”
She shakes her head, “You don’t deserve a second more of my time. What the hell is wrong with you, Tanner? Why did you bring me here? To make me watch you get all googly eyed for the chick you’ve loved for years? To have some sort of twisted emotional support while you faced the guy who took her from you? Huh?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I wanted you here for me, because you bring me a calm that no one else does. Because you make me feel something that I haven’t felt in more than a year, something I don’t know if I’ve ever felt.”
“Ha!” she scoffs, pacing. “It can’t be that great of a feeling, seeing as how you told Paisley I was your fucking friend!” She spits the word “friend” like it’s poison, spraying it on the concrete. “Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention when we were playing your little 21 Questions game that I can read lips. So let me ask you this, if all I am is a friend to you, then why did you kiss me? Why did you have to cross the line? Why were you so avid to be sweet and say the shit you’ve said to me?” Her eyes suddenly turn from stone gray to stormy, tears welling and threatening to spill. My gut twists, her every word slicing into me. “Why? I didn’t want this, I tried to be your friend, but you made me trust you. You made me want you.”
“Kellee, you’re not just a friend to me. You’re not. I want you, too.”
“Well that’s not what you said to her,” she spits.
I sigh, throwing my hands up into my hair and dragging them through it. “I don’t fucking know, Kellee! I don’t know what we are or what this is. I told you that. I can’t make any promises, I can’t put a label on us. I know what I know, and that’s all. I know that there’s something between us just like you know it.” I want to say more, want to promise her the world and give her every part of me that I have left to give, but something inside won’t let me. Something is holding me back.
Or maybe someone.
A tiny, one syllable laugh escapes Kellee’s lips and she turns her face away from me, holding back her tears.
“Kellee, look at me,” I pull her chin toward me, but she pushes me back.
“I can’t do this shit, Tanner,” she says softly, her voice shaky. “I can’t be your muse one second and then be invisible to you the next. I can’t watch you love another girl. You wanted this? You wanted me to care about you? Well guess what? It worked. I care. I thought I could deal with no promises, with us just being whatever,” she gestures between us. “Whatever this is, but I can’t.” She pushes off the wall and walks toward the street, calling another cab.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to run?” She doesn’t answer. “You always say you’re afraid of being your mom, Kellee – that you’re afraid of hurting people, yet here you are, ready to run at the first storm warning.”
She turns back at me, her eyes once again the stone gray they were before. “Don’t you dare talk about my mom like you know her, like you know me,” she rushes toward me, tears finally breaking the surface and falling down her cheeks. “If you want to chase your perfect song, your perfect fucking girl to fit all the lyrics in the stupid songs you listen to then fine, chase her. I’m not perfect, I never will be, and I don’t want any fucking part of your little game. Lose my number.” With that, she turns and throws her hand into the air. A cab whips in and she opens the door, sliding inside.
“Fine!” I yell back at her, “Just run, Kellee. Run away from me because you’re scared, because you know that we might have something real. Nothing good in this life comes without pain, but you’ll never figure that out if you can’t stick around long enough to see the rainbow that comes after the storm.”
A sad smile meets her lips as she turns back to me one last time, “There are no rainbows with you, Tanner. I thought you were a storm I could tame, a storm I could survive. Turns out, you’re a category five hurricane, and I’m not sticking around to let you destroy me.” She slams the door shut and the cab drives away, taking the last torn piece of my heart with it.