Violet

“I know what you think of me.” I broke the silence.

In the three hours we’d been alone in the hotel room, Jasmin hadn’t said more than ten words to me. They consisted of her asking me if I wanted a drink, which was more like a grunt as she held up a bottle of water, and her telling me to stay away from the window.

Other than that, she’d switched between glancing at her tablet and looking out the window. The silence was driving me crazy. I had a whole new appreciation for sensory deprivation. While I could still see and hear, the lack of conversation left me feeling uncomfortable. Every once in a while, Jasmin would look up and pin me with a stare that made me want to squirm.

I shouldn’t have cared what they thought of me. I didn’t know any of them other than what I’d read and heard about them. Yet, I did. I wanted them to understand I meant no harm. I did what I thought I had to do to save lives. Was it so much different than what they did? They sacrificed the few to save the many. I had done the same thing. I didn’t need nor want their praise, but I desperately wanted their understanding. I was used to being alone, but I’d never in my life felt as lonely as I had these last few months.

“Do you know what the penalty for treason is?” she asked.

“I believe until the sixties it was punishable by death. However, I committed the crime of high treason, which is still life in prison or death. I suppose in my case I’ll never see the inside of a courtroom. I’ll be remanded and put in rendition in some faraway place and never be heard from again,” I answered.

Rendition scared me. Being taken to a secret government prison and locked in a cell with the world’s worst terrorists was not something I was looking forward to. I preferred death, but no one was going to give me the option.

“Yet, you still did it.”

“I did. And even now, I don’t know if I would do anything different. I had to try and save those men and women.”

“That’s interesting. Knowing what you know now, you wouldn’t have come to us for help as soon as Timothy approached?” Jasmin moved the curtain to the side and peeked out the window again.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Given my current situation and the fact that none of you are going to help me, I never should’ve come to you. I was wrong to trust any of you.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Jasmin’s eyes narrowed as she concentrated on what was happening outside. “Go get in the bathroom. Don’t come out no matter what.”

“What’s happening?” I asked.

“Get in the fucking bathroom, Violet,” she barked.

I got up from the chair I was sitting in and moved toward the bathroom door. Jasmin dropped the magazine out of the pistol she was holding, inspected the black plastic, shoved it back in and racked her slide, placing a bullet in the chamber.  Then she re-holstered the weapon. The AR15 that was laying on the small table next to where she’d been sitting was now slung over her shoulder.

“Go!” she demanded.

“Do I get a gun?” I asked.

I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but she was arming herself to the teeth. I wanted something to protect myself with.

“Fuck no. You think I’d give you a gun, so you can shoot me?”

There was no time to argue with her or try and reason. Whatever was happening had made Jasmin uneasy. Despite what I’d said about not trusting them, I did trust that she didn’t want to die, so it was in my best interest to follow orders. I shut the bathroom door, locked it, and laid in the bathtub. It wasn’t like the ones we had back in the states; it was heavy cast-iron with blue colored enamel flaking off around the edges. The tub had seen better days; I just hoped when this was over, the tub was still in one piece.

I didn’t have to wait long before I heard the splintering of wood, followed by gunshots. I covered my ears and made myself as small as possible. I hated not knowing what was going on behind the door. Ten, maybe fifteen, shots later the room went silent. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. What I did know was I wasn’t going to continue to lie in the bathroom with no exit.

I made my way out of the tub to the door and placed my ear on the wood. Silence. Shit, that couldn’t be good. I slowly opened the door. I was relieved when I saw Jasmin standing at the window with the curtain pulled to the side a fraction, the same way she’d been doing all day. The woman had nerves of steel, she looked unfazed as if bullets had not just been flying through the room. I opened the door enough to slip out when movement caught my attention.

The hotel door was busted in, half the door still on the hinges. Part of it lay on the floor in pieces, and some hung broken but had yet to break away from the frame. A dark-haired man had his gun up and pointed at Jasmin’s back, and she’d yet to notice him. Before I knew what I was doing I yelled her name, took the two steps I needed and jumped, knocking us to the floor.

We rolled to our side and in the process, I’d knocked her gun out of her hand. I scrambled to get it and felt a hot slicing pain on my upper arm. There was commotion behind me, and I vaguely heard Jasmin tell me to stay down. I ignored her and reached for the gun, my fingertips barely touching it. I managed to inch it toward me when another bullet zipped by me, leaving me in a momentary daze before I lifted the gun and pointed it in the direction of the man. My vision was blurry and my ears were ringing. There was no aiming, no thought. I pointed and shot.

I pulled the trigger until the slide locked open. The gunshots stopped but the noise hadn’t. The high-pitched squealing in my ears was more painful than the throbbing of my arm. The smell of gunpowder was thick in the air and that, accompanied with my heart pounding in my chest, made it hard to catch my breath.

“Slow your breathing, you’re going to hyperventilate,” Jasmin instructed, her voice sounding muted and faraway.

I tried to do as she said but my chest was tight, and I couldn’t fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. Commotion at the door caught my attention and I lifted the empty gun in the direction. I almost cried in relief when Jaxon stepped in. His rifle was up, and he scanned the room before his eyes locked on mine. His lips were moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the ringing in my head. He stepped over the body and made his way to me, Zane following behind him.

“Get up,” he said. His voice was muffled, but I did as he said and stood. It was then I took in the room. Three men laid dead on the floor. The wall had bullet holes in it, the mattress was askew, a lamp knocked over, and the chair I’d sat in most of the day was demolished. In short, it looked that a gun battle had taken place in the hotel room.

Everything that happened after that was a blur. Jaxon, Zane, and Eric escorted us downstairs where Wolf and his team had taken position. They stood guarding the entrance to the hotel and an old beat up box truck was waiting for us.

Jaxon helped me in the back of the truck and once we were settled he ripped the sleeve off my lightweight nylon shirt and inspected my bicep. Without talking, he pulled a bottle of water out of his pack and poured it over the wound. I gritted my teeth in pain when the warm liquid washed away the blood, exposing a deep gash.

“It’s just a graze. The powder burn makes it look worse than it is,” he said.

Just a graze?

What the hell did that mean, just. It hurt like a bitch and I fought back the tears when he cut a t-shirt he’d pulled out of his pack into strips and tied it around my arm. The bumpy road was not conducive to him being gentle. Every time the truck hit a pothole we bounced and the fabric he was trying to fasten around my arm would scrape my tender flesh.

Once he was done, I looked around the back of the truck; Cookie, Dude, Mozart, Benny, Abe, and Wolf all sat staring at me. Thank God the guys had found them in time. They were all safe. I felt a little better knowing the intel I had found was making it possible for them to all go home in one piece. But, by the looks on their faces, Zane had told them who I was and what I’d done. They didn’t look thankful or relieved I’d enlisted Red Team’s help. They looked pissed, kind of like how Zane looked when I first met him.

Everyone else already hated me, what was six more men? I didn’t care anymore, not when ten minutes ago I had someone shooting up the hotel room and trying to kill me. I was done. This was too much. Truthfully, I didn’t have the luxury of worrying what other people thought of me anymore. I did a bad thing, no matter how good my intentions. No one was going to forgive me, and I had to make peace with that.

By the time we’d boarded the jet, the buzzing in my ears had subsided and the pounding in my head had lessened. At least I could hear without an echo now. My arm throbbed, but I pushed it aside. I had bigger things to worry about than just a graze. Jaxon had taken me to the back of the plane, pointed and told me to sit, then left to go back up front. Wolf and his team, along with Jasmin, Zane, Eric, and Jaxon, were in a huddle near the now-closed cabin door. They were speaking in hushed voices too low for me to hear. They were safe, that’s what I kept repeating to myself as the plane taxied down the runway. Once we were airborne, exhaustion had started to pull me under when Abe sat in the empty seat beside me.

He was an imposing man. Not because of his height, but there was a presence about him that demanded your attention. Frankly, he scared the shit out of me, they all did, but Christopher Powers looked like he wanted to kill me with his bare hands. There was no doubt he could do it too. I’d lived through a shootout in South Sudan and it would be just my luck Abe would strangle me on the plane.

“So, you’re the leak?” he asked, not wasting anytime letting me know Zane had filled him in.

“That’s a nice way to say it. I think Zane prefers to call me a treacherous lying bitch. I think I like your description better.”

“Is this a joke to you?” His face had gone unreadable.

“No, Abe. It’s not a joke. Nothing about the last six months of my life has been a joke. It’s been hell. Excuse me if I’m done with everyone looking at me like I’m the second coming of the devil. I did what I did to save lives. I stand behind it. I’d do it again if it meant I could have even the smallest chance of saving them. Do you think I enjoyed giving those assholes information on the Attorney General? Do you think I wanted to snoop through his personal life, Pamela Cox’s life, put Olivia in harm’s way? I didn’t. But you know why I did? Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was each and every one of those undercover agents being tortured to death. Their deaths wouldn’t be clean and quick; they’d be beaten, they’d suffer, they’d be beheaded and drug through the streets, and their bodies would be defiled. That is unacceptable to me. They deserved more. They are not names on a list to me. They are brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, humans! They deserve my unwavering loyalty and protection. At the end of the day, what I did may not save their lives, but I can go to my grave knowing that I tried my fucking best. And Abe, make no mistake, I know my end is near. I’ve made my peace and I’m ready to accept the consequences of my actions. There is nothing you can say to me that will make me regret my decision. Right or wrong, it was mine to make.”

By the end of my rant I noticed Jaxon had joined us in the back of the plane, no doubt to throw in his two-cents as well. I was too fucking worn-out to hear what a horrible person I was. I had roughly six more hours of freedom left. When we landed back in the states, I was sure Zane would be driving me to the nearest federal building to drop me off and be done with me.

I’d done all I could do. I knew they weren’t going to give me the guidance chip Manuel Ortega demanded I give to him. They were firmly under the school of thought you didn’t negotiate with terrorists. I tried my best, and I failed. The game was over, and I was heading to jail. I hoped like hell now that Zane knew what was going on he could save some of the agents.

“How long have you known Declan Crenshaw was your brother?” Abe asked.

“Almost a year. His service record came across my desk a week before his final interview for long-term cover,” I told him.

“Why’d you look into his adoption records?” Abe asked.

“Why wouldn’t I? I was approving him for deep cover. I needed to know everything about him before my interview.”

Abe seemed to process my answer before he spoke again. “I’ve met your brother.”

“You have? Where? Is he okay? Do you know where he is now?”

Hope bloomed in my chest. If Abe and his team knew where Declan was, they could warn him.

“It was years ago in Pakistan. His Force Recon team helped us slip into India after we rescued a chemical engineer that had been kidnapped. Did you know he has a tattoo on his chest?”

“What? A tattoo? No, I didn’t make him strip down and do a search.”

Why the hell was he asking me about tattoos? I was charged with a candidate’s mental state, not their choice of body art. There was a time SPECOPs and CIA didn’t want any distinguishing marks, including tattoos, and they’d been known to ask agents and soldiers to laser remove tattoos before going undercover, but those days are long past. You’re hard pressed to find hardcore door kickers that don’t have tatts these days.

“It’s a fairly large purple flower over his heart,” he told me.

“A flower?”

What did that mean? Why would Declan have a flower tattooed over his heart?

“Violet.”

“Yes?” I answered.

Was Abe crazy? He was looking right at me; it wasn’t necessary for him to say my name.

“Not you. The tattoo, it is a violet.”

“He knew about me?”

I had read Declan’s service records; I knew he was a good Marine. I’d also read the recommendations from his superiors and character statements, but those things told me very little about Declan the man. I was desperate to know who he was. I wanted to learn everything about the brother I never knew.

“I never talked to him about anything other than the mission. His teammates called him Flower and I saw the tattoo when we were changing out gear. I never asked him about it.”

“Flower? I thought his callsign was Hawk?” I asked.

“Maybe. Sometimes there’s a difference between what your buddies call you and what name is used over the radio,” Abe explained.

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“I’ll let you get some rest.” Abe stood and glanced at Jaxon. “And thanks for getting the intel you found to Zane. I wasn’t looking forward to sitting and sweating my ass off in the desert with no comms for the next few days.”

“Sorry, I didn’t find it until after you were already in flight. Glad you’re all alright.”

Jaxon gave Abe a lift of his chin as he passed and brought his attention back to me.

“You okay?” he asked.

It was the first time since I’d met him, he’d spoken to me with genuine concern. His features had relaxed a bit, and his blue eyes had softened. Some time since we boarded he’d taken off his tac vest and the rest of his gear, leaving his hard muscles on display under the black tee he wore. He was a damn good-looking man for sure. Under his hard exterior, I bet there was a heart of gold. Too bad I’d never get to see it. I’m sure he had women falling all over themselves to get to him.

His eyebrow raised expectantly, and I remembered I hadn’t answered.

“I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt too bad.” I turned slightly so he could see the cotton he’d tied around my arm was still in place.

“I wasn’t talking about your arm.”

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to him. I wasn’t even sure I fully understood his question. Was I fine? No, I wasn’t. I’d never be fine again.

“Why do you think Declan didn’t tell me he knew he was my brother. I mean, assuming he did, if Abe is right about the tattoo being a violet. It could just be a coincidence, right?”

“Why didn’t you tell him you knew?” he countered.

“He was leaving. The last thing he needed was to find out he had a long-lost sibling. I wanted his mind clear.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to tell you for the same reasons? I don’t know why.”

“I guess it’s one more thing I’ll never know.”

There was so much about my brother I’d never know, and all the information I had on him was superficial. All the wasted years. In some ways, I almost wished I’d never found out about him. The pain of knowing he was out there, out of my reach, broke my heart.

“I’ll let you get some rest.”

Jaxon moved toward the front of the plane and I took in my fill of his backside. Damn, he had a nice ass too. In a different time and place I would’ve liked to have gotten to know Jaxon Cain and his sculpted body better. Unfortunately for me, he was out of my reach as well.