CHAPTER 26
SORAYA
WEDNESDAY NIGHT, GRAHAM HAD DINNER at Genevieve’s with Chloe. I found it difficult to sit home and keep my mind off of picturing what the three of them looked like together at the dining room table sharing a meal. So rather than go straight home, I stopped by Tig and Delia’s tattoo shop, and we pigged out on sushi and sake. By nine-thirty when it was time to close up, I was sufficiently full and buzzed enough that I was finally ready to go home.
Stripping out of my work clothes, I plugged in my phone and slipped into bed. Just as I closed my eyes, the bell sounded. Since he hadn’t texted all evening, I had a feeling Graham might stop by. I went to the door and pressed the button to buzz him in, then slipped the latch from the top lock open and waited to hear footsteps at the door.
I opened it, smiling, just as his knuckles lightly rapped on the door.
Seeing the man on the other side made my smile immediately fall.
“Dad? What are you doing here?”
He took off his hat and crossed it over his chest. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
This morning, I’d asked God for a sign as to how I should handle my relationship with Graham. It made me wonder if He sent Frank Venedetta as some sort of twisted messenger.
I walked over to the kitchen cabinet. “Can I get you something to drink?” On edge, I accidentally let the wooden door slam shut after I got myself a glass.
My father took a seat at the table. “Water will be fine.”
The smell of Old Spice filling my kitchen brought me straight back to my childhood.
“I think I’m going to need something stronger,” I said, opening a bottle of merlot.
“Okay, then, in that case, I’ll have what you’re having.”
“Wine, it is.” I poured two glasses and handed one to him.
He smiled. “This is nice. Never thought I’d be enjoying a glass of vino with my daughter tonight.”
I cut to the chase. “What brings you here, Dad?”
He took a sip then let out a long, slow breath. His expression turned serious. “I’ve been thinking about coming to see you for a while but kept putting it off because I didn’t want to upset you.”
“So, why tonight?”
“It just felt like it was time.”
“Say what you came to say.”
“The day you visited me, you asked me a direct question that I didn’t really know how to answer. You wanted to know whether I would have stayed with your mother had Theresa not loved me back or if perhaps I’d never met her. I wasn’t prepared for that question at the time.”
“You figured out the answer?”
“I’ve thought about it a lot these past several days. The bottom line is, if Theresa hadn’t come along, I do believe there is a very good chance your mother and I would still be married today. It’s hard for me to admit that because I don’t want you to blame Theresa for my actions and personal choices.”
“But you also told me that day that you don’t regret the choices you’ve made, which means you don’t regret hurting us. That’s really hard to accept.”
“No. That’s not what I meant. I love you and do regret hurting you, but I don’t regret falling in love with Theresa.”
“How could you claim to have loved us when you left like you did?”
My father rested his head between his hands before saying, “It’s not that simple. There are different kinds of love, Soraya.”
“The love for your children should come first.”
He closed his eyes as if my words stung then paused before speaking again. “Sometimes life throws you a curveball, something you never saw coming. We have to make decisions about whether we want to be true to ourselves or honorable to those we love. If I’d never met Theresa, I probably would have been perfectly happy with your mother because I wouldn’t have known the difference. But because I did meet her and developed a strong connection to her, I knew what I’d be missing if I let that go. There was no going back.”
“And what exactly did Theresa have that Ma didn’t? Was it purely sexual?”
“Not at all. It’s hard to explain. It’s just a level of chemistry, Soraya, a kind of magnetic attraction between two people that I hadn’t felt with your mother or with anyone before. I could have ignored it. I chose not to. It was selfish. I’m not denying that.”
“But you don’t regret it.”
“There isn’t a single yes or no answer to that question. I regret that you and your sister were hurt by my actions, but I don’t regret following my heart. There would have been regret either way. I chose the selfish route, the one that hurt you the most, and for that, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know that I could do the same thing if I were in your shoes.”
“Then you’re a better person than me, sweetheart.”
“You just told me that you would still be with my mother today if you hadn’t made a selfish choice. Your children would have avoided years of self-doubt. As an example, I wouldn’t have the trust issues I have with men today. My mother wouldn’t have been nearly hospitalized for depression. You might not have been the most satisfied if you’d stayed, but your family would have been better off.” Tears were starting to saturate my eyes. “So, basically, we suffered the consequences of your actions.”
“And for that, I’m truly sorry, Soraya. That’s what I really came here to say more than anything.”
I just kept nodding silently, trying to process it all. “I don’t know that I’m ready to accept your apology, but I do appreciate it and am glad you came by. I’ve learned a lot from this conversation. I’ve needed guidance lately.”
“Does this have to do with that wealthy man you’re seeing? He gave me quite the dirty look the day he picked you up from my street. He must really care for you. We apparently have a lot in common. Because whether you know it or not, I do love you very much.”
“You know what? You and Graham do have a lot in common, more than you probably realize.” I sniffled.
He’s you, and I’m Theresa now.
Chloe is who I once was.
Before leaving to head home, my father stayed for a second glass of wine. I also put out some that I’d picked up during a trip that Graham and I took to Little Italy.
Things were by no means fixed between Dad and me, but we agreed to keep in touch. At least one relationship with a man in my life was heading in the right direction. Unfortunately, Dad’s visit only left me more tormented about Graham.
***
THE SIGNS WERE EVERYWHERE that night.
Graham had called me to say that Chloe had a high fever and bad ear infection. She apparently couldn’t sleep and asked him to stay and read to her to take her mind off of it. I told him to take care of his little girl and that we would get together tomorrow.
In the meantime, I happened to go online and noticed that Ida had submitted her responses that were to be published in tomorrow’s paper. One of them was the answer to my email. Before reading it, I took my wine glass out of the sink and poured the remainder of the bottle. I took a deep breath to prepare myself.
Dear Theresa,
As much as you appear to be enamored with this man, I think you already know the right answer to your dilemma. All bets are off when there is a child involved.
While you indicate that his ex was the cause for the demise of their relationship, she has apparently come to the conclusion that she made a mistake, one that she wants to rectify for the sake of their child. The fact that the choice to end their relationship wasn’t directly his (but only a result of her straying) leads me to believe that he could still harbor feelings for her. You indicated that they are quite compatible which is, even more, troubling. It sounds to me like this could turn into a messy situation for you as time passes.
You also mentioned that you don’t want to hurt him. Perhaps, if he felt that you wronged him in some way, he would be more likely to get over you quickly. You could, for example, give him the impression that there is someone else in the picture.
Do the right thing and find a man without baggage. Give this one back to his family. When it comes to getting involved with men who have children, I have a motto: smart over heart.
My stomach was in knots. While Ida just helped solidify the conclusion I was starting to draw on my own, it was still hard to absorb the harshness of that reply. I knew that walking away was the right thing to do, but how do you walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you?
She had a point too: there was no way Graham would let me go easily unless he thought I’d betrayed him. Cheating was the one thing he would never tolerate. The thought of deceiving him like that was so painful that it made my skin crawl. I honestly couldn’t see another solution, though. There was certainly no way I could look him in the eyes and tell him I didn’t love him. I had to get him to break up with me out of anger, and there was only one way to do that.
Was I insane for considering pretending to cheat just so he’d leave me? Or was it an honorable and selfless move for the sake of a child’s well-being? I almost couldn’t believe what I was pondering.
After tossing and turning the entire night, I came to a decision and devised a reluctant game plan. Tomorrow, I would give myself one last night with him, enjoy him, let myself love him one last time. Then, I would begin the process of distancing myself until I could figure out how to make it appear that there was someone else. I reminded myself that while I couldn’t go back and change my own childhood, I had the power to change Chloe’s.
This was going to hurt like hell. I couldn’t do it alone. There was only one person I knew who wouldn’t try to talk me out of it.
I picked up my phone and sent a text to Tig.
I need your help.