CHAPTER 30
SORAYA
A BAD DREAM HAD CAUSED me to wake up in a sweat. While I couldn’t remember it clearly, it involved Graham and Genevieve naked. It was so upsetting that I couldn’t fall back asleep.
The occasional car passing by provided small glimpses of light as I sat in my dark bedroom with that same dreadful feeling of doubt that had kept me up almost every night since the fiasco with Graham and Marco.
Did I do the right thing?
What if he didn’t end up with Genevieve?
What if it was all for nothing?
Those kinds of thoughts would race through my mind. I also constantly wondered where he was and what he was doing, namely if he was doing her. He’d walked away from me so hurt; it wouldn’t have surprised me one bit if Genevieve took full advantage of the situation the second she found out.
His lasts words continued to haunt me.
“Look at me.”
My chest felt constricted. I was either the most selfless woman on Earth or the stupidest. Regardless, the pain of losing Graham was simply not subsiding. I doubted that I would ever stop longing for him, but would it get even a little easier? So far, the passage of time hadn’t helped.
Whether he was drowning his sorrows in someone else or not, I knew that Graham was out there somewhere devastated. He’d really loved me. Somehow, I was sure he still did, even if he was disappointed in me. Love built to last simply doesn’t unravel that fast. I truly felt that ours would have stood the test of time had I not ended things.
When the first glimmer of sunlight appeared through my window, I picked up my phone. Delia was always up at the ass crack of dawn. Constantly needing reassurance that I’d made the right decision, I called her the first opportunity I could.
She picked up. “Again you didn’t sleep?”
“I know. Something has to give. I’m a mess. I haven’t even had the energy to dye my tips red.”
“Now, that’s how I know you’re in trouble.”
“Seriously, right? I’m still wearing the blue as if my entire world hadn’t turned upside down!”
“Listen, Rainbow Brite, I was talking to Tig last night, and he agrees that the two of us need to get away.”
“You and Tig?” I panicked. “You can’t leave me alone now!”
“No…you and me! Like a girls’ trip. You need to get out of the city. Everything here is a reminder of Graham.”
“Where exactly would we go?”
“Well, seeing as though you don’t have a millionaire boyfriend anymore, we obviously have to think about cost, but anyway, I think I have the perfect solution for that.”
“Okay…”
“I told you my brother Abe works in Japanimation? He’s over in Japan now, actually.”
Groggily making my way to the kitchen to start some coffee, I yawned. “You want to go to Japan?”
“No! Abe owns a condo right near the ocean in California. Hermosa Beach. It’s currently empty. We could stay there for free. I looked at tickets last night, and they’re reasonable, in the three-hundred dollar range. What do you say?”
Anything would be better than staying here in this funk. I couldn’t remember the last time I took any kind of a vacation.
The decision was an easy one. “You know what? Yes. Let’s do it. Let’s go to California.”
***
GROWING UP IN BROOKLYN, I’d always dreamt of seeing California, a setting glorified in many of the television shows I’d grown up watching. Even though I was probably the opposite of a stereotypical California girl, I’d itched to see the Pacific Ocean and experience the carefree living I’d always associated with the Left Coast. It always seemed like the polar opposite of Brooklyn.
Delia’s brother Abe’s place was right on the water. As I sat on the sand, listening to the crashing of the waves, thoughts of Graham were never far behind. Delia was back at the condo sleeping in, and I was taking advantage of the alone time to enjoy the quiet beach before it became crowded.
My attention drifted diagonally across the sand to the only other people on the beach. A woman and a little girl were sitting next to each other with their legs crossed in child’s pose, a position I recognized from the one yoga class I ever took.
Their eyes were closed as they breathed in and out, taking in the sounds of the ocean. Desperate to calm my mind, I did something I normally never would. Approaching them, I asked, “Do you mind if I join you?”
“Not at all,” the woman said. “We’re almost done with our warm-up meditation, though. Take a seat on the sand and do what we’re doing.”
Closing my eyes, I willed the anxious thoughts of Graham and Genevieve away and tried to focus simply on my breathing and the sounds around me. Over the next half-hour, I followed along as this mother and daughter moved together with synchronized precision, teaching me various positions such as downward dog. I tried not to think about the fact that they reminded me a bit of Genevieve and Chloe. This girl was only a little older than Graham’s daughter.
I definitely felt calmer by the time we were finished.
The woman handed me a water from her bag. “Are you from around here?”
“No, actually. I’m here for the week, visiting from New York.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to New York!” the little girl said, turning to her mother.
“Maybe your father and I can take you next year.”
Excitement filled the girl’s eyes. “Really?”
“Do you take a lot of family trips?” I asked them.
“Mostly short weekend ones, yes. My husband and I share custody of Chloe with her mother.”
I nearly choked on my water. “Did you say Chloe?” I turned to the girl. “Your name is Chloe?”
“Uh huh.” She smiled.
“That’s a beautiful name.”
“Thank you.”
Turning to the woman, I asked, “So…you’re her stepmom?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. I just assumed…”
“That she’s my daughter? Because we’re close?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you’d be right. She is my daughter. I don’t consider her any less of a real child because she’s not blood-related to me.”
“I’m lucky to have two moms,” Chloe said.
I nodded in silence. “Yes, you are.”
“Well, we have to run. Chloe has ballet practice.” She held out her hand. “I’m Natasha, by the way.”
I took it. “Soraya.”
“It was wonderful to meet you, Soraya. Hope you enjoy your stay in Hermosa Beach.”
“Maybe we’ll see you in New York next year!” Chloe said, jumping up and down.
I smiled. “Maybe. Thanks again for the yoga class.”
Left alone again on the sand, I contemplated what that encounter meant. In the days leading up to my ending things with Graham, I’d been looking for signs to justify that my leaving him was the right thing. I wasn’t looking for any signs at all today, yet that one hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
Chloe.
That was no coincidence.
I’d never once considered that a child might view having a stepmother as gaining a parent rather than losing one to another person. My own personal experiences had been guiding my decisions. Theresa never even tried to get to know me, let alone acted like a second mother. She never made an effort to include me in anything that my father and her daughters did together. It wouldn’t have been like that with Chloe and me. Why had I never thought of it this way? Fear, stress, and guilt had blinded me, and now I was seeing things for the first time from an entirely different perspective—now that it was too late.
***
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, Delia and I were relaxing in the air-conditioned living room after an afternoon at the beach.
I’d impulsively picked up my phone and opened up the text message chain between Graham and me, looking through all of the old texts from the beginning of our time together. The very last one from him was sent the morning before he caught me with Marco. It simply said, I love you.
Delia didn’t know what I’d been doing for the past several minutes. She probably thought I was just surfing the Internet. When she noticed the tears start to fall from my eyes, she came around and suddenly snatched the phone from my hands.
“Looking at old texts from Graham? That’s it! I’m taking this and shutting it off. I didn’t take you all the way to California for this shit.”
“You can’t just take my phone!”
“Watch me,” she said, holding down the power button. “You’ll get it back in New York.”