Bare feet slapping on the hardwood floors of my bedroom, I rub a towel over my head, feeling human having showered. After not sleeping but for a couple hours in Houston, I came home from the airport and crashed. Shep raises his head from his bed in the corner; he must’ve come in while I was in the shower. Stooping down, I run a hand over his soft fur on my way to the dresser. I need to get dressed and turn my phone on to deal with the calls I’m sure I’ve missed. I’m surprised someone isn’t beating down my door yet.

I’m pulling a shirt over my head and reaching for my phone to power it up when there’s a knock at my door. Guess I spoke too soon. Through the frosted glass, I can see that it’s Addy. My heart kicks into double time. I wasn’t expecting her, and though she’s the only one I really care about talking to, I’m not sure I’m prepared. I open the door, ready to start apologizing for the way I treated her and to go from there. I don’t even get the chance.

“Did you ever for one second stop to take not only your career into consideration but mine when you decided to not show up last night?” she demands as she steps around me into the house.

“Well, hello to you too, Sugar.” It’s clear that she’s not in the mood for my lame ass attempt at humor. Shep must recognize it too because he slips out the door before it closes.

“Just once, once maybe you could stop and think about what you’re doing and the impact it might have on others.”

“Ahhh, so we’re talkin’ about last night then. I actually did take you into consideration—”

“Oh, I’m sure you had my best interests in mind while you were fucking Tara too,” she bites out. Fucking Tara? What in the world is she even talking about? And how does she know I was even talking to Tara? She’s on a roll though, and I don’t get the chance to recover from my confusion. “I get that you’re hurt over Jenny, but did you love her so damn much that you’re willing to tank your career? Hurt the people around you that truly care about you? Do you really think that’s what she’d want for you? No-shows and random women? If you’re going to go up in flames for her, at least do it with some damn dignity.”

Her face is flushed in anger and that’s when I notice that her eyes are slightly puffy like she’s been crying. Has she been crying? And why does she think I was fucking Tara?

“You about done?” When she just glares at me, I figure it’s safe to continue. “I’m not sure what you’re getting on about, but I left the award show—”

“Oh, I know why you left. It was pretty fuckin’ obvious why you left by the pictures and your braggin’ to the paps at the airport. I saw it and then I heard it loud and clear, Beau.”

“Damn it, Addy! Stop and listen for a minute, and I can tell you exactly what happened!” I raise my voice to be heard over her, but it doesn’t even slow her down.

“No. You know what? I won’t. I made excuses for you because the love of your life had just died. I made excuses for you because I don’t know how I would pick myself up after a loss like that, but I’m done because now you’re not only hurting yourself but me as well. I will not stand by and let you take me down because of how much you loved Jenny. I’m truly sorry, and I’m trying to be understanding, but I can’t anymore.”

I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “Addy, you don’t understand—”

“Then make me! Make me understand! Did you love her so much—”

“No, okay? No! I didn’t love her enough!” I shout, cutting her off. I can’t take anymore of her speculation. The guilt will be my undoing. It’s what’s been eating at me ever since that night. Hell, ever since I met Jenny if I’m honest.

Finally quiet, she blinks rapidly, a look of confusion on her pretty face. “God damn it, you’re like a pit bull,” I mutter. “Did I love Jenny? Yes. But I don’t think I was ever in love with her.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand,” Addy sputters. “You imploded after her death.”

I snort out a humorless laugh. “Guilt will do that to you.” Scrubbing a hand over my face, I sit on the arm of the couch. “That night, Jenny came to see me. I told her I was done. That I was done pretendin’ for her sake and for my mama’s. Done havin’ everyone look at me as this asshole set out on hurtin’ their precious Jenny.” Shaking my head I’m brought back to that night. How she didn’t hear a word I said, and I try to make Addy understand.

“Jenny, I mean it. I’m done. I’m done with all of this.”

“Beau, if you’re talking about that…that woman last month, I’ve already forgiven you. Now, we have your parents’ anniversary party next week—”

“No. You’re not hearing me. I don’t want your forgiveness. I’ve never wanted it. I want you to tell me to go fuck myself. I want you to be madder ‘n hell and slap me in the face.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re being ridiculous. Of course I forgive you. I know you don’t mean to.”

“Jesus Christ, Jenny. Of course I mean to! I’m sleepin’ with other women out in the damn open. I don’t even try to hide it anymore. You wanna know why?” Not waitin’ for her to answer or to offer up some excuse for me, “I do it because you don’t hear me. You never have. I’ve been tellin’ you since high school that this wasn’t what I wanted. That you and I were not meant to be together. I’m just as much to blame though because I let you manipulate me and use my mama to keep me right where you want me. I let myself just get comfortable, but no more. That’s not love. This is not love. I am not in love with you.”

I’ve never told a single person about the fight we had that night. Not even Sealy, though he knew about a lot of my problems with Jenny. I feel as if a weight has been lifted.

“Beau—”

“I told her I was done, for good. Her answer was ‘I’m pregnant.’” Addy gasps, her hand covering her mouth. “I called her a liar. Told her there was no way. We hadn’t even slept in the same bed in months. I knew this was a last-ditch effort because she knew I would never turn my back on a child, and God knows, my mama wouldn’t have that.”

Rubbing my damp palm down my thigh, the rough of the denim almost soothing, I continue, “Then it got ugly. She threatened to tell everyone I hit her, end my career, just anything she could think of. She slapped and kicked me and called me names and used words I didn’t even know she knew. For the first time in all the years I’d known her, I felt relief. Relief that I was finally honest, that she was finally pissed off at me, that I would finally be free and she could find a man who would love her the way she deserved. She was a good girl. She was just never the girl for me.”

I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly to give myself a second. “When she realized I wasn’t going to budge, she said she wouldn’t be some rancher’s wife, that she’d kill herself before she let that happen, and it would be all on me.” I clear my throat of the emotion. “She left after that and wrecked her car about a mile down the road from my Nashville apartment.”

I look up at Addy just in time to see her wipe at a stray tear. “Don’t cry, Sugar.” My voice sounds rough even to my own ears.

“Do you…do you think Jenny did it on purpose?” she asks softly.

I look out the window and think about it before answering. “I do. But then I just don’t know. She’s never been one to give up so easily, so maybe it was an accident. Either way, it’s on me. Just like she said.” Mulling that over a minute, I stand abruptly, “I need a beer, you want one?”

“No, thank you.” I can see her wheels turning. Trying to process all I’ve just told her.

From the kitchen island I tell her quietly, “I know treatin’ her like that doesn’t make me a good person, but Jenny had a way of bringin’ out the worst in me. She made me want to act out and push the limits on everything, on life. I have so many regrets when it comes to her and our relationship, but my biggest regret, aside from letting her leave that night, will always be the other women. I never wanted to be a cheater. Made me feel like the worst kind of person and then that made me act out in other ways.” I laugh sardonically. “Like a damn child.” Addy cracks a small smile which gives me hope. It feels so good to tell Addy how I truly felt about Jenny.

Just then my phone pings from my pocket with a message and then again and again in rapid succession. “Lord have mercy,” I mutter pulling it out to find out who in the hell is blowing me up. My brother. Over and over. Figuring he can wait, I turn my attention back to Addy to find her no longer smiling but looking at her phone too. “What in the world does everyone want?” I ask in exasperation. I still need to find out what all the Tara mess is she was talking about.

“Jimmy Don has a lot going on after the Exposé piece this morning,” She tells me, the hint of a smile she had been wearing completely gone.

“From the airport? I didn’t even really say anything.” I’m so confused why that would cause any issues. Especially with Addy.

“Listen, I have to go. I have some things to take care of. Thank you for telling me your story; you didn’t have to.” She tucks her phone into her purse. “I’ll call you in a few days with a new game plan. Please call Jimmy before he has a heart attack.” Her tone is subdued. I hate it. A few days? No way. I have so much I want to say still, but she’s already got one foot out the door.

“Addy—”

“Beau, please. We can talk later.” It’s clear she wants to be away from me, so I let her go for now. Ain’t no way I’m waiting a few days to talk to her again though.

“All right, Sugar.”

The door is closed and she’s gone quicker than if she were on fire.

My phone starts going off in my pocket again. “God damn it.” Pulling it out, I see a thumbnail picture that Sealy sent me.

SEALY: WTF BEAU?!

I open it up and just stare in shock. “You have got to be shittin’ me.” There, bold as you please, is a picture of me and Tara Remy on the red carpet with a headline that says: TARA REMY IN, ADDY MAE MASTERSON OUT AND SEE HOW THE BAD BOY OF COUNTRY MUSIC TELLS OUR CAMERA GUY THAT HIS NEW NEW GIRL IS HOTTER THAN THE OLD NEW GIRL.

Throwing the door open, I pray I can catch her, pretty certain I can’t. Stepping out in the yard, her Jeep is gone. Sliding a thumb over my phone, I call her. She sends it right to voicemail. I hang up and try again. Again right to voicemail. Walking inside I wait for the beep.

“Sugar, I just saw the pictures and the article. That is not what it looks like. Call me.” Disconnecting, I’m contemplating my next move when there’s a tap at my door. Spinning around hoping it’s Addy, I’m disappointed to see it’s not.

My mama walks in and smiles. “Did I just see Addy pass by the main house?”

“You did. And I really have to go after her.”

“Can we talk a minute first, baby? This can’t keep,” she says, her hands clenched together.

I’d rather be chasing down Addy and explaining the Tara thing, but my mama looks pretty serious. “Okay, mama.”

She nods, a look of relief flashing across her face that soon gives way to nervousness. What in the world could she have to be nervous about? Grabbing my untouched beer off the coffee table, I motion for her to follow me into the kitchen, knowing she’ll be more comfortable there. “Come on ,you can make some tea or coffee or something.” Tossing my beer, I sit at the counter and watch as she happily flits around my kitchen, all the while my nerves are shot and my leg is bouncing like mad. Never in my life have I wanted to shoo my mama out of my house so badly. My need to get to Addy is about to make me forget my manners.

“I won’t keep you long, Beau, but I have things that need sayin’.”

“Okay.” I have absolutely no clue what’s on her mind, but it’s not often that my mama asks for my time.

She takes a fortifying breath. “I did you a great disservice by pushing Jenny on you for all those years.” That was not what I was expecting. “She was my best friend’s daughter. Mary and I used to plan y’all’s wedding when you were just babies. Then when Mary died, I felt like I owed it to her to see it through. To make sure the dreams she had for her little girl could still be, even if she wasn’t here.”

“I didn’t love her, Mama,” I say as gently as I can.

“I see that now. But I couldn’t see it before Addy.” I tilt my head in question.

“I’ve not had the chance to spend a lot of time with her, but the time I have spent I see how you are with her. How you dote on her and come to her defense when your foolish mama treats her poorly.” She covers my hands with hers. “You look at her the way your daddy looks at me.”

I sure do hope not, because when I look at Addy all I can think about is getting her naked and being inside her. All joking aside, this is a big leap for my mama. “I think if you give her a chance, you’ll really like her,” I tell her.

“I already do. That’s what scared me so much, I think. I felt like I was being unfaithful to Mary and Jenny. Took your daddy givin’ me a stern talkin’ to to see how ridiculous I was bein’.” With a soft chuckle she says, “He’s right so often I hate to admit it to him. He really did open my eyes to quite a few things, but this weighed the heaviest on my mind. I just want you to be happy. I’m afraid I kept you from doing that for a long time.” Tears pool in her eyes, damn near killing me. I can’t take the women in my life crying today.

“Please don’t cry, Mama. Things with Jenny weren’t always bad, and you know what? I’m just as much to blame. I’m a grown ass man. All I had to do was put my foot down. It was just easier sometimes to let the two of you have your way. That’s all in the past now though. I need to look toward the future, and I need you to understand somethin’.” I dip my head to meet her eyes straight on. “Addy is my future.”

Her tears come faster now, but these are different. These tears slide from smiling eyes. “Better go get her then, baby.”

She makes a shooing motion for me to get out of there. Pecking her cheek, I scoop up my keys and phone and slap a hat on my head.

“Beau, tell Addy I said hi.” She grins.

“Yes, ma’am,” I call as I head out the door feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Even with Addy mad at me, I feel good. I know I won’t give up until she’s not. I’ve fucked up a lot of things with her in a short amount of time. I’m done with all that. I don’t wanna be her long list of what-ifs anymore.