Chapter Thirty-Three

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The apartment was empty when I made it home and I dropped the scrapbooks on to the coffee table. I stared at them for a moment, almost weary of what they could possibly hold, and decided that I needed some liquid courage. I stared at them while I stood in the kitchen drinking a beer. It wasn’t until I’d uncapped the second bottle that I moved into my bedroom and opened one up.

The front cover was beautifully decorated and labeled ‘School Memories.’ When I flipped it open, page after page was filled with photos of her from kindergarten up until ninth grade. There was nothing from tenth grade since she’d been too sick to attend and passed away that December.

I smiled and ran my finger over some of the images. When I made it to the section of her third grade photos, there was one labeled ‘Shaylee’s first day of kindergarten.’ The photos showed five-year-old me standing next to eight-year-old Kira, her arm tucking me close to her small body. We were both smiling, although I looked terrified. It reminded me of my first time at Camp Holcomb. I was so scared and nervous but Kira’s confidence and support had helped me get through it.

I flipped through each page slowly, unable to resist smiling at my sister’s beautiful face. We definitely did look alike but her features were softer than mine, more like our mother, including her face. It wasn’t until I found the middle school pictures that we really looked different. The progression from healthy teenage girl was gradual. The weight loss, the missing hair, and her pale complexion had taken her from being my could-be twin to a wispy teenager who was stronger than she appeared.

I had about ten albums in all and I spent hours going through them. Some of them made me laugh and most of them made me cry. One made me extremely nervous and I saved it for last.

“Oh, Kira,” I murmured as I traced the letters on the cover of the album. Small stickers in the shape of campfires, canoes, tents, and pine trees surrounded the words ‘Camp Holcomb.’ “I wish you were here.”

I tried to swallow but my mouth was suddenly dry and it took all of my strength to open the book. The first images were of eight-year-old Kira on her first day, surrounded by nine other girls who looked to be the same age.

It wasn’t until four pages in that Drew appeared for the first time. The image had both Kira’s cabin and the male counterpart in it and they were grinning on the beach of the lake. It took me a minute to spot him but when I did, I grinned through my tears.

Little Drew was adorable. He had bucked teeth, crazy hair that needed a cut, and glasses that reminded me of the little boy from Jerry Maguire. The smile on his face was so big and so cheesy that it felt like a fist was squeezing my heart. I knew that Camp Holcomb was the first place he’d ever felt at home and judging by that photo, I believed it.

Drew didn’t appear singularly with Kira until their third year, the year she would have been in the fifth grade cabin. They were both ten-years-old and obviously close friends. Drew was still adorable but he had grown several inches and into his teeth somewhat. He usually had an arm thrown across Kira’s shoulders and they both cheesed for the camera constantly.

When I made it to her sixth grade year, the first photo was of the two of us at the airport. Our parents must have taken it when they dropped us off. I had a nervous smile on my face but Kira looked as happy as could be.

The next few were of the two of us- arriving in Maine, with May and Howard, arriving at camp, and at the welcome bonfire. A few photos didn’t include me but I appeared again in one with two people. With Kira between us, I stood on one side with a real smile on my face while twelve-year-old Drew stood on her other, sporting an equally happy expression.

I flipped through the photos and was surprised to see how often I appeared with Drew and Kira. In a lot of them, he had slung his arms across both of us, holding us to him in a protective and sweet manner.

I was with them at the movies under the stars, bonfires, and during random activities from my first year on. When I made it to Kira’s ninth grade year, she didn’t even look like the same girl. She had started chemo shortly after we had come home from her eighth grade year and nine months of treatments had changed her a lot. The only thing that wasn’t different was her smile. She had been on her way to remission. She’d beaten it. We were happy.

I swallowed and shook my head. “Or so we thought.”

During her last year at camp, her smile was still bright but the sadness showed in her eyes. Mine, too. I was in more of the photos with her since I’d spent a lot of time with her during my seventh grade year. I’d wanted to soak in every minute with my sister that I could.

Drew was in them, too. His body language was even more protective than it had been. Not just of Kira, either. He seemed to hold me a bit tighter when I appeared with the two of them.

The photos of Drew and Kira’s last ball stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t even the photos of them looking amazing. It was one of me standing with my ‘date’. We were smiling at the camera but in the background was Drew. He was staring at me with a longing expression that I’d seen older Drew give a more evolved version of. That picture… it took my breath away.

On the last page, Kira and I posed in front of the Camp Holcomb sign. The next photo was her with May and Howard. The final photo was of her and Drew embracing tight, knowing they’d never see each other again. It was heartbreaking.

“Jesus,” I murmured, flipping the page so I could close it. In the back cover, however, was a pocket and envelopes were tucked inside of it. I pulled them out slowly and turned them around.

On the front of them was Kira’s name and address, with a return address from California. I knew instantly that I was looking at some of the letters Drew and Kira had exchanged during the off season.

I debated with myself for about ten minutes before I pulled the first one out. They were dated starting when the two of them were in sixth grade and ending from shortly before she died. Drew’s handwriting was messy and adorable and I couldn’t help smiling when he wrote “Write back soon, AJ” at the bottom of each one.

Younger AJ talked about random things. He told Kira how school was going, about the different sports he was playing, and how things were with his foster parents. What really threw me was when we got to his teen years and he started talking about his first girlfriend. I wondered how that made Kira feel to hear about that.

He talked about her cancer the first time she’d been diagnosed and offered her words of encouragement. AJ was adamant that she would beat the cancer and he told her she had to get strong to join him back at camp that summer.

Each letter, though, asked about me in some way. At first it was just a small mention like ‘Hope your sister is good’ or ‘Tell Shaylee I said hi’ but they transformed into a bit more. They started to ask for details, wondering how I liked school, how my birthday was, and if I had a boyfriend. There was one letter, shortly before her last summer at camp and before we found out about her fatal diagnosis that threw me. I stared at the words with my brows furrowed.

If you’re okay with it, I want to ask Shaylee to the ball this year. I’ve been saving my chore money so I can get a better tie this year. I’ve been working on my dance moves, too. You would be proud! Do you think she’ll say yes?

I blinked and read it two more times. AJ had wanted to ask me to the ball? That made no sense.

The next letter came after we’d learned that the cancer was back and his letter was full of sorrow. He asked her if she could find a different doctor and begged her to keep fighting. The part where he told her that he needed his best friend broke my heart and caused tears to fall down my cheeks.

The letters stopped for the summer and there was only one after that. It was dated shortly before she died.

 

Dear Kira,

 

I know I could e-mail all of this to you, but I figured I’d send a letter with the care package, too.

Your last e-mail scared me. The doctors said you would have another year and it’s only been eight months. I’m not ready for this. What am I going to do without you?

I just want you to know that you’re the best friend I have ever had. If I could have picked someone to be my sister for life, I would have chosen you no question. You have made my life better in so many ways and I don’t know how to thank you.

I hope you know that all of your secrets are safe with me. I would never tell anyone. It has been a privilege to be the person you trusted with so many things and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

This sucks. I know that’s not very poetic but it’s the truth. This absolutely sucks.

I will be there for Shaylee, Kira. You don’t even have to ask. Quit apologizing for everything because it’s okay. Spending our last summer at camp like we did was awesome. I hope it was your best one yet, even with all of the crap going on in real life. I know it was mine.

I’ll be waiting for her to reach out first, though. I don’t want to scare her or come on too strong. Tell her to write me when she’s ready and I’ll be there for her forever. Thank you for letting me be a part of your little sister’s life.

Per your request (more like demand, honestly), I’ve included a new pair of slippers, three different books, and two CDs that I made. You better like all of the songs I put on there because they’re amazing. Besides, you have really bad taste and we need to change that.

E-mail me when you get this. I’ll call you Saturday, okay?

Talk to you soon.

Love, AJ.

 

The tears running down my face couldn’t be stopped. The love he’d shown for my sister amazed me and confused me all at once. He didn’t write her like a lover but just like the best friend he proclaimed to be. And then there was the talk about being a part of my life. I didn’t understand it.

“What does all of this mean, Kira?” I asked the empty room. “What secrets did you have and what did he mean by he’ll be there forever?”

She didn’t answer, of course, and I was out of letters. I put all of the ones I’d read back and slammed the cover shut. I lifted all of the albums in my arms and set them off to the side before flopping back down on my bed. A crinkling noise made me pause, though, and I lifted up to see one of the letters I’d forgotten to put away. I grabbed it, ready to toss it into the pile, when I realized that it was different.

This one had just one word on it in Kira’s delicate handwriting. Lee.

I frowned and gently opened the sealed envelope, swallowing when I realized that it was a letter for me that my sister had written.

My hand shook and I felt my heart pounding as I carefully unfolded it. Her handwriting had always been so perfect, something I envied, but it became less legible as she got weaker. I knew right away that she’d written it close to the end.

Inhaling a deep breath, I focused on the top of the letter.

 

To my annoying and perfect baby sister,

 

I was thinking last night about how I wished I was a bit older so I would have more wisdom to impart upon you before I die. I know you hate when I say that but it’s true… I’m dying, Lee. I’m so tired and so weak that I know it’s going to happen soon. I heard the nurse tell Mom and Dad that it would be any day now. They thought I was sleeping but I wasn’t. Hearing our parents cry like that guts me.

I wish we had another sibling. Maybe another sister or even a brother. Just someone so you won’t be alone. Mom and Dad are falling apart and I know you’re going to be the one who has to hold them up. That’s not fair. You’re going to need someone to lean on when everything goes to hell.

That’s where AJ comes in, Lee.

You are my best friend in this entire world and who better to trust you to than the person who holds that second place position? He’ll be there for you to talk to, to vent to, and to comfort you when you need someone.

The truth is, AJ likes you. I should have told you sooner but selfishly, I didn’t want to. At first, he saw you as a little sister by proxy but he admitted his crush to me after we came back from camp last year.

So, yeah. I was selfish. Not because I don’t want you to have him. I mean, I love AJ, but not like that. I love him like the brother we never had. Since our first summer at camp, he’s been someone I could count on, someone I needed. So, when he told me he liked you and wanted to tell you the next time we went to camp, I was originally onboard and supportive. The thing is, cancer changes everything, Lee.

I knew that if he told you he liked you this last summer and you returned his feelings, he’d spend his time with you as he rightfully should. I needed him, Shaylee. I hope you understand that. As the weird, dying girl, I needed him next to me so I could keep going.

He wanted to ask you to the dance and I talked him into taking me instead. No one wanted to take the cancer girl, like it’s contagious or something. I’m glad you danced with him, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a dopey look on his face!

I know what you’re thinking… My sister is basically trying to set me up with the guy who took her virginity. I didn’t want to die a virgin, Lee. I hope you understand that. I wanted the chance to experience that at least once before I died. It took a lot of convincing because he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, but there isn’t another guy I trust like I do AJ. So, we did it. Just the one time and I don’t regret it. I hope he doesn’t either.

The truth is… I have a huge crush on Laurie. There, I said it. The only other person who knows that is AJ. I’ve liked her for years but I wasn’t sure how everyone would react if they knew. I wasn’t sure how SHE would react and I wasn’t ready to lose her as a friend. But just know that this thing behind me and AJ is just friendship, even with the awkward virginal sex.

Writing this is exhausting. I should have just typed it up but this is more personal, right? At least it is in the movies.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is this… Keep AJ in your life, Lee. Even if you don’t like him, at least be friends with him. I asked him to let you initiate the contact first so you could choose whether or not you want anything with him. Write him letters, call him on the phone, send him emails. Just let him be your friend. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Maybe one day your friendship can evolve into more. At the very least, you have a cute older guy crushing on you. How awesome is that?

AJ Moore loves fiercely and deserves someone worthy of that love. I know that can be you if you want it to be. And if you don’t, that’s okay, too. Just let him be there for you. I promise- it will be one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.

Even when I’m gone, I won’t really be gone. I’ll be in your heart every day, baby sister. I’m so sorry that I’m leaving you. Just know that you’re the best friend and sibling a girl could ask for. I hit the sister jackpot with you. I wish I could physically be there when you find love, find heartbreak, lose your virginity, graduate from high school, get a job, get married, have babies, and grow old but I’ll have to settle for being there in spirit.

Remind Mom and Dad that I loved them, will you? When you do get married, whoever it is, tell that bastard I’ll haunt him forever if he doesn’t treat you right. Tell your babies that Auntie Kira loves them so much.

I love you, Lee. I’ll love you for infinity.

 

Love always,

Kira