I slam the car door and look up at the house. The massive house. The house that holds my entire life. I love this house and I love everyone that this house keeps safe. The twins are my world, but Bo’s sealed a place in my heart and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not even after everything he’s been through. Not after the attitude change or the random outbursts. He’s still my Bo. And I love him something fierce.
I know he’s in there somewhere and I know I’ll get him out eventually. Something this drastic is bound to change a person, and from everything I’ve read about it, his reaction to it all is normal.
I spent the morning at Jo’s salon getting my hair fixed. It didn’t do much good since it’s back up in the messy bun I’ve grown used to wearing lately, but it makes me feel better about myself. When Bo told me he made the appointment I fought back, not wanting to leave him, but he insisted that he’d be fine so I went. He was right. I did need it. But now I have a slew of things to do and less time to get them done.
Walking through the kitchen door, the mess sitting around this place makes guilt creep up again. I should’ve been here cleaning. Bo was about to fall asleep when I left and I’m hoping his pills keep him out for a little while longer so I can clean this place up. Maybe I’ll even take a shower and throw on some makeup in hopes I feel like a human again as opposed to a robot.
I’m going to try to get him up and out of the bedroom today. Even though it’ll only be to sit in his chair or lie on the couch, he’s gotta be getting bored in that bedroom. With the twins at Ryan’s, it’ll be less stress on him today.
Hopefully.
I just want him to be comfortable here with us. It feels like he’s not happy with anything though. I know things will never be exactly the same as it was, but it will get better than it’s been. I have full faith in that.
I toss my purse on the counter and put on some country music, putting it low so it doesn’t wake him up. My phone chimes with a text from Chase so I press call while I start to load the dishwasher.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask, grimacing at the gross plates in the sink.
“I didn’t want to drop in, but I thought you should be the first to know before word starts to spread.”
My eyebrows pull together. “The hell are you talkin’ about, Chase? I got a shit ton to do here, get to the point.” I don’t mean to snap on him, but he’s scaring me and I can’t take much more this week.
“I’m moving to Vegas, Kinlee.”
The line falls silent and I pause with a dish in my hand.
“What?” I whisper.
“My sister’s letting me move in with the family until I can get on my feet out there. There ain’t nothin’ for me here anymore. I gotta start fresh somewhere with better opportunities.”
Setting the dish down, I sigh. “I’m never gonna see you again, am I?” I have to sit down to process this. He’s right though; he needs more opportunities than this small town can give him.
But he’s Chase. He can’t leave.
“Don’t think of it that way. Who knows where I’ll end up.” The line falls silent again until he sighs. “You’re always gonna be one of my closest friends, Kinlee. Distance don’t mean shit.”
“Right.” I chuckle, my eyes dropping to an envelope on the table. “Will you let me know when you’re there safe? And if you change your phone number after this I swear to God I’ll kick your ass.”
He chuckles. “I swear I won’t lose contact with you. Promise.”
I grip the envelope, barely listening to Chase anymore as my fingers trace the letters of my name, scrawled across the front in Bo’s messy handwriting because he can only use his left hand.
“Bye, Chase,” I whisper.
“Bye, Kinlee. Take care of yourself. And that brute of a cowboy.”
I end the call, my stomach doing flips because this note is putting a bad taste in my mouth. When the fuck did it get here? Who put it here? If it was Bo, how’d he get it here?
“Bo?” I call, jogging up the steps and taking the note to the bedroom. The door’s closed so I swing it open, but when I’m met with an empty bed my panic rises to the highest levels it has since the accident. “Bo!” I yell, turning toward the bathroom.
If he even tried to shower by himself…
But he’s not here.
He’s not anywhere.
He’s not here.
I sit on the couch, my hands shaking and I stare at the envelope in my hands. Gripping my phone, I hit send on his phone number but it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t want to open this note, but it seems like it’ll be my only explanation to what’s going on. Slowly tearing it open, my fingers pull out the letter and I immediately start to tear up at his messy words on the page.
Kinlee,
You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known, but I'm not nearly as strong as you need me to be anymore. Hell, it took over a day to write this fucking note because my hand will only work for five minutes at a time.
I love you but we’re falling out of love darlin and I won’t lay here while that happens. You need to focus on a good life and this ain’t it anymore. This life is shit and I’m done with it. With the farm, the ranch, the kids, you. I’m done before you all grow to hate me in ways I can feel are already happening.
I'm going back to Mercy Rehab in California because they did a hell of a job the first time piecing me back together, but that won't happen if I stay here. I’ll never be the man I was before, but maybe they can help me walk again. I don’t even have a drive to do it when I’m here. The thought of being able to walk down the stairs and seeing the farm again doesn’t hold the meaning it did for me the first day I got home. I don’t give a damn anymore. About anything. I just don’t care anymore and nothing you say will change that.
There ain't nothing left for me and you. You need to move on with your life and find you a man that can take care of you. Not the other way around. I can’t stand the thought of you taking care of me like this anymore. I can’t stomach the thought of you touching me like this anymore. It makes me feel sick. I hate this life and the fact I contemplated suicide yesterday tells ya something.
You and the twins are welcome to stay in the house. I won't be back until I can walk again and the twins need some stability so I think it'd be best if you stayed here until you find a place of your own.
Don't make this harder for us than it already is. I am no longer the man I was before any of this happened, and nothing’s going to change that. I should have never gotten that fucking bull, but I did, and now I have to live with the consequences. I guess this was my fate. I know I said I’ll always come home to you, but Bo died on that operating table. The shell laying in a bed day and night is a hateful man I don’t want anyone around. Now don't beat yourself up thinking I don't love you anymore. I'll always love you. Hell, you're the only woman I've ever loved and it'll never change. But we can't keep doing this to ourselves. I hate what I've become and I don't want to grow to hate you too because you accept it.
I'm breaking up with you like a coward, through a note, but I knew you'd make it hell trying to do it face to face.
Take care of yourself the way you deserve, with someone you deserve. And take care of them kids because they're what matter most.
Love,
Bo
I’m bawling my eyes out by the end, the droplets smearing the ink on the page.
What the fuck is this?! He can’t fucking leave!
Rage burns through me as the realization of what he’s trying to do punches me in the gut.
I stand and look around the room. His room.
Not mine.
Apparently I can stay here? What the fuck? He just…he’s gone. He fucking left!
I pace the house, calling him at least fifteen more times in the next thirty minutes. He never answers. It never even rings.
Panic rises that this is it. He’s breaking up with me? What kind of pussy breaks up with someone through a handwritten note? He can’t just get off this easily. This isn’t how we end.
We aren’t supposed to fucking end!
I grab my keys and purse, shoving the note in my back pocket and dash to the car. Brandt’s gotta know about this. Someone does. Bo wouldn't just up and leave without telling anyone.
“Open the damn door!” I scream, banging on Jo and Brandt’s back door.
I didn’t bother to call. I’m too worked up over this and wouldn’t have been able to get the words out without breaking down had I tried calling.
Brandt swings the door open, a spoonful of peanut butter in his hand. “Sup, Kinlee? Weren’t you just here?” He steps aside as I shove past him and start pacing their living room.
“Where’s Jo?” I pause and throw my hands to my hips.
“Gettin’ the kids settled at grandma and grandpa’s. It’s date night tonight.” He smirks and shoves the peanut butter into his mouth and I roll my eyes. “Why do you look so frazzled? What’d Bo do now? He still bein’ a bear?”
My heart beats wildly in my chest. I growl, yanking the note from my back pocket and shove it at him. “Read what this fucker just left me.”
When he takes the note I continue to pace the room, unable to stop my hands from shaking. I’m not sure if it’s anger I’m feeling, or sadness, or a little of both. Rage. I know that much. It's pure rage that's holding the shit-storm of tears at bay. They'll come though. They always do eventually.
“When’d you find this?” His voice matches the pity written all over his face.
“An hour ago.” I finally fall to the chair and curl my legs in front of me, wrapping my arms around them.
“Fuck,” he mumbles, now starting to pace the room where I just was. “He’s got some shit he needs to work through. We know this, but he… Hell. He just up and fucking left!”
“Who just up and fuckin’ left?” Jo walks in and sits on the arm of the couch, looking over at me. “Hey, girly. What’s up?”
“Bo’s gone,” Brandt says, shoving the note at her before going back to pacing with his hands on the top of his head.
She reads the note, her eyes widening as she reads on. “Oh my god,” she mutters, letting the paper fall to the couch. “He really fuckin’ did it.”
“Yeah, he really fuckin’ did it, Jo! Why the hell would he just leave like this?”
She glances at Brandt, then to me, blinking a few times. “I’m so sorry, Kinlee.” She shakes her head “I…”
“What did you do?” I whisper. She’s one of my best friends. She shouldn’t have anything to be sorry for.
She takes a breath and groans. “I called him after we talked the other day.”
“Why would you do that?” I blurt, shoving myself up to stand. “I was just venting!”
“I know, but…you’re stressed. You’re a mess lately and you being his nurse isn’t good for either of you. I called to check in on him. He mentioned possibly getting help at the rehab center from the first time…” She trails off and shrugs and that’s when the tears well in my eyes. “I told him it might be a good idea for him to check it out.”
“You pushed him out?” I whisper.
“No, I thought… I thought he'd fucking talk to you like a normal person! Tell you his plans. I didn't fucking push him anywhere!" she snaps at me. "I had no idea he meant to do things like this. He didn't indicate it either." Snatching up the paper, she tosses it onto the table before walking over to me. “I can't believe he did it like this. What a fucking asshole!” She looks at Brandt who’s trying to rein it in right now. “I've never hated Bo as much as I do right now."
"Calm the hell down, both of you," Brandt grumbles. "There's gotta be a good reason for this. Kinlee, go home and pack a bag. I’m booking the first available flight and going with you. We'll talk some sense into him. Or at the very least figure out what in the hell he's thinkin'.” He takes the stairs two at a time and slams his bedroom door.
“I’m sorry. If I thought you didn't know, you know I would have brought it up to you,” Jo whispers and I shake off the anger I’m harboring towards her. It’s not her fault Bo’s being a jackass.
“I know,” I mutter when she wraps her arms around me.
“We’ll get him back, Kinlee. Then I’ll kick his ass for being such a dick.”
I force out a giggle but it doesn’t feel right. Nothing will until he comes home.
Before we rush to the airport Brandt drops by Ryan’s house so I can tell the twins what’s happening and I can clear it with his parents that they stay the weekend. They’re old enough to be on their own, but it makes me feel better having an adult around that knows I’m not in town.
When the plane lands in California I glance over at Brandt. He hasn’t said a word since we got on this flight, which isn’t like him. We grab our bags and hail a cab. I’ve never been out of our small ass town other than college, and even then it wasn’t anything like California. This city’s buzzing with people, and cars, and noise. It’s a little too intense for me but if being here means fighting to get Bo back I’d do it every day of my life.
“Thank you for coming with me. I coulda done this alone.” I mutter, sitting in the back seat of the cab.
“You’re not doing this alone. He’s my best friend, and he’s being a jackass,” he growls.
I laugh, because Brandt’s just as angry as I am over this whole thing.
After we check our bags into the hotel we’re staying at tonight we head to the rehab facility. Brandt calls ahead to make sure we can show up at the facility and we find out it’s almost like a five star hotel.
When we arrive, the woman at the front desk picks up the phone. “Let me make sure there’s no doctors in his room before I tell you how to get there.”
“Thank you.” I walk over to the fish tank, trying to keep my mind busy and my nerves at bay.
This place is nice…very nice. There’s nothing humble or homey about it. It’s posh, it flaunts the money you need to be here, it’s everything my Bo isn’t. This is absolutely insane. One hundred percent certifiably insane that he’d do something like this without talking to me first. It’s been what feels like a lifetime since I read his note and the only thing I’ve figured out is I’m mad. I understand Bo’s way of thinking, but he’s going about this all wrong. I’m more than mad. I’m furious that he’d do something this drastic without talking to me. I never let him hire the in-home nurse because I thought I was doing a good enough job. I didn't know he wanted someone else's help that bad. And falling out of love with me? Fuck no. That's the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurts that he could even write that out. I know it's a lie. I know that whole goddamned thing was a lie. Whatever his deal is, he needs to get the fuck over it and come home. I know for a fact I’m not as qualified as any of the people here in home health care…but I’m what he needs! And what do I get? He fucking tried breaking up with me through a note!
“Ms. Jones, Mr. Kenshaw,” a woman in scrubs announces. “Right this way please. He’s not been in the best mood since arriving, so maybe some visitors will cheer him up.”
Damn right he’s not been in the best mood. He left right after attempting to ruin the one thing he fucking needs most.
When I walk into the room I actually feel a weight lift off my shoulders seeing him in that bed. He’s not happy, she’s right, but that’s not a new look for him. He hasn’t looked happy in a long time. All I get is a quick glance when we walk into the room, then his eyes drift back to the window and that’s where they stay.
“What the hell, Bo?” I blurt, throwing the crumpled note at him as soon as our escort leaves us to him. He’s not looking at or responding to me. “What the fuck are you doing here? And that note? Fuck that, Bo. I’m not accepting that. You’re not allowed to take the easy way out of this.” Brandt chuckles when Bo flicks the paper off his stomach. I glare back at Brandt and he raises his hands in defeat.
“Dude, you’re a fuckin’ idiot thinkin’ we’re just gonna let you go and not track you down. You also suck for making me take a plane ride again. You know how much I hate those damn things.” Bo’s eyes snap to Brandt, passing by me all together. “Not gonna say anything? No hey, welcome to my new home?” He smirks and Bo’s eyes narrow.
“I didn’t ask you to come,” growls from his lips. “You can go now.”
“Oh fuck you,” I blurt. Bo’s eyes squeeze closed and he lays his head back on his pillow. I stand here for what feels like a lifetime. He’s really fucking ignoring me, and it’s really, really fucking pissing me off. “Brandt, can you give us a moment?”
“Absolutely,” he says, watching Bo lie there without paying him a lick of attention. “This ain’t the end, buddy. Kenshaw for life, remember? You can’t run away from what you’re meant to be.”
Bo takes a deep breath, his eyes still closed, and Brandt heads out of the room, closing the door behind him.
“You broke up with me,” I whisper, crossing my arms in front of me.
Bo nods silently.
“In a fucking note, Bobby Hart. You left me a note, left the state, and assumed I’d just accept that?”
His eyes open and he stares at the ceiling, his jaw taut and his left hand in a fist at his side.
“We’re not over, Bo. I’m not accepting that because I know that’s not what you want. You’re mad. I get it. Do this stint here…whatever it takes to get you back to the man I love. One month…three…whatever it takes. But fuck you for thinking I’d just back down. Real love doesn’t back down, Bo. It doesn’t leave a note and sneak out when no one’s looking. That’s not real love.”
His eyes snap to mine and I lock onto his gaze.
“You love me, Bo. You can’t just push me away because you’re angry at the way things have turned out. I know I’m fucking not.”
“You should leave, Kinlee.” His voice breaks my heart, because I know he doesn’t mean it.
“I’m not leaving, Bo. And if you weren’t already laid up I’d slap some sense into you.”
He shakes his head and closes his eyes before he pushes a button on the remote near his hand.
I know what he just did, and it crumbles my already broken heart that he thinks he has to go through this alone.
“Mr. Hart?” the woman from before says after popping into the room.
“I need a nap. Please escort Ms. Jones and Mr. Kenshaw out. And no more visitors unless I approve them.”
“Yes, sir. Right this way, please,” she says to me and my nostrils flare.
I glance at Bo once more but his eyes are closed again.
“I’ll be back, Bo. I promise you that. And when you’re all better in that head of yours you’re going to be happy that I fought for us. Because one of us needs to right now and it’s definitely not you.”