This week will be a year since he’s been gone. Once a month I go visit him, and every time I do I end up regretting it, but I don’t stop. He hasn’t spoken a word to me yet, but I can’t lose faith in the man I love. The nurses are all pushing for him to get his head out of his ass, but I’m starting to feel like it may never happen.
I’m not giving up though. I can’t.
It’s hard to believe it’s been this long without him. It’s hard to believe I’m still functioning without him here but I have to, I don’t have a choice. I have the twins that are coming up on their senior year of high school. We have car payments now. I have college to start thinking about for them. I can’t put my life on hold because the man I’m in love with can’t seem to get out of his own head.
People have told me it’d just be easier to start over and forget him, but there’s no use even attempting that. My life is Bo, and I won’t stop fighting until he’s home with me and stops this game he’s playing. It’s been long enough.
Brandt’s with me this weekend. He’s ready to drag Bo back home against his will and honestly I’m right there with him. We’re in Bo’s room that’s set up like a damn apartment. This man has everything he needs in here and all the care he probably wants with enough private space to make it feel like a home…but it’s not. It’s a glorified nursing home for people who can’t care for themselves. Bo can care for himself, he’s just choosing not to.
“Bo, this is crazy,” I say to the man sitting across from me. The man at the table with sunken cheeks, rail thin arms, and black circles under his eyes isn’t the Bo we know. Being away from home is slowly killing him, even if he’s moving a little better now than he was before, he’s not the man he deserves to be.
“I got you a plane ticket. You can check yourself out of here today and come home. We’ll get you set up with the best at-home care you need and you’ll be back to feeling like yourself. You need to come home, Bo. Everyone misses you,” Brandt says, sitting next to me, his knee bouncing rapidly. He likes being here just about as much as I do.
Bo glances at Brandt then me before shaking his head.
“Jesus, Bo,” Brandt blurts, standing from his seat. “Kinlee, give us a moment, would ya?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna grab a coffee.” I push my chair out and stand. “You guys want anything?”
Bo’s jaw twitches and Brandt shakes his head, looking at his best friend. I let out a sigh and walk away, rounding the corner to head for the kitchen. I’m trying to stay strong, but some days it feels like nothing’s ever going to get better. I know it’s not going to ever be back to what it used to be, but I know it can be a hell of a lot better than it has been if he just gives it a chance.
Before rounding the corner in view of them, I pause where Bo can’t see me and listen in on their conversation. Each time I’ve visited, Bo’s not said one word to me. It’s been excruciating sitting in this room with him for eight to twelve hours just watching him. He ignores me, but now that Brandt’s here… hell, hearing his voice makes my heart soar.
“What the hell are you doing Bo? You don’t belong here. You’re killin’ your girl, man,” Brandt says.
"She's not my girl anymore. What the fuck can't you people understand? Especially that stubborn as hell woman? I don't want her anymore. I don't want anything anymore and you assholes can't just let me be," he growls.
"Us assholes are probably the only assholes on this earth that'll put up with this shit attitude. I'm not sure how that girl's still in love with you, but she fuckin' is and you're a mother fuckin' tool not to see how good you had it."
"Exactly. She shouldn't be in love with me. She should find another man. A real man that's not a tool. Because that's not me anymore. I'm a tool and I don't want anything to do with her. Or any of you guys. People change, Brandt, you can't force me to accept how good I had it. I'll never have it good again. I still can't fucking walk. Still can't use the right side of my body. I. Don't. Want. This. Her or you coming here every damn month bothering me. Let me go. Shit, what don't you get? Y'all deserve something I don't have in me anymore. Get that girl a fucking date and maybe she'll leave me the hell alone."
My chest aches listening to him, because I know that's not how he truly feels. It can't be. Brandt's fists slam to the table, making me jump, and his tone is less than friendly when I hear him start to talk.
"I don't give a damn what you think is good for her. Good for us. All I know is you're a pathetic excuse for a human being if you don't see what this has done to everyone. No one fucking cares if you can't move part of your body."
"I care!" Bo screams so loud his voice echoes.
"All we care about is that you're alive. Period. And to be honest, no, I don't think she deserves someone like you. At least not the guy you've become. You're ruining her, Bo. And you don't care. And ya know what?" He lets out a chuckle. "You're ruining me. Jo. The kids miss you. It's shit, Bo. It's shit that you think you're alone in all this."
"You don't seem to realize this is a favor, Brandt. I'm doing you all a favor. My piss poor attitude ain't changing and I'm saving y’all from it. So it's better for your kids to grow up not knowing me anymore. It's better for Kinlee to find a love that will appreciate—" He stops and I hear the hitch in his voice.
I swipe away a tear and take a deep breath. Bo crying isn't anything I thought I'd ever see again, but maybe that means we're getting through to him.
I round the corner, coffee mug tight in my grip, and glare at him. "You used to appreciate me," I whisper. "What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?"
"It ain't you I hate, darlin'. I think it's time you two leave." That’s the most he's said to me in the past year and they make me want to vomit.
"I'm not leaving until you explain something to me, Bobby Hart," I growl, slamming my cup down and sitting in front of him. Brandt's chest is heaving and he's standing there like he's about to flip the table. "I cared for you. I still fucking care for you. Too much, if you ask me, but that's what true love is. True love doesn't just end. You don't stop caring for someone like that. You don't walk away from the best thing you've got because you feel sorry for yourself. That's what this is, right? You feelin' sorry for yourself?" I swallow down the knot in my throat. "So you either lied when you said you loved me, or you lied when you're sayin’ you don't. Because it doesn't work this way!" I wave my arms around, yelling by the end because the look he's giving me makes me want to scream.
His hand slaps down at the table and he grits his teeth before standing on his left leg. He's fucking standing! The entire year here he's never shown this much of an attempt that he wants to work toward getting better. But he's fucking standing! When he stumbles the slightest, I gasp and Brandt reaches out but Bo slaps his hand away.
"If I can't like myself, how the fuck can you expect me to love you? I have no love for anything anymore. Get the fuck out!" His voice roars.
"I'm not fucking leaving!" I stand and grab his hand, bringing it to my cheek and holding it there, then place my other hand on his face. His touch isn't filled with the same love it used to be. What happened to my cowboy? Where the hell did he go? "You can't just push me away. And I'm not giving up on us, Bo," I whisper, letting a tear streak down my cheek. It's useless holding them back anymore. "I love you."
His eyes drop to mine and there's no light in them like there used to be. He looks hollow. "Leave, Kinlee. Move on with your life. It ain't me anymore."
"Never gonna happen, cowboy," I squeak, tears streaming down my face. I push my lips to his hand and squeeze my eyes closed. When I open them, his gaze is locked on my face and his thumb starts to swipe away a tear, so gently I almost don't notice, but it happened and it makes hope soar in my heart that maybe he's still in there.
A knock on the door kills the moment and Bo pulls his arm back, letting it drop.
"Time for check in," the orderly says, opening the door like this isn't a private room.
Brandt's eyes fly between the two of us and he clears his throat. "We'll be goin'," he says, practically pulling me away from Bo.
For the first time in a year, Bo touched me...on purpose.
I storm out to the car, almost having to run after Brandt. I'm not certain I've ever seen him this mad, but I can't take my mind off of that small, but huge, event back there.
Brandt starts the car and as I buckle he grips the steering wheel tight, staring out the windshield. I rest my hand on his arm when he seems to drift into his own little world. His eyes hit mine and he shakes his head.
"This is it for me, Kinlee. I can't keep doing this." He takes a deep breath, the twitch of his jaw breaks my heart because I know how much stress this is putting on him.
"We can't give up on him, Brandt. We're all he has." I shift in my seat.
"He doesn't want us. He's made it perfectly clear." He laughs harshly. "Kinlee, you understand that man in there is not the man we know. Maybe he was right. That guy did die on the operating table. He's a shell. He hates his life. He hates us. Hell, he's making me hate him and I'd rather not live the rest of my life hating my best friend."
"He'll come around. He wouldn't have lived through everything he did just to end up like this the rest of his life, Brandt." How could he be giving up on Bo? He's Bo! They've been best friends longer than any of us!
"I don't know. Maybe the good Lord messed up. Maybe he shouldn't have lived th—"
"Stop," I blurt, not even wanting him to finish the sentence. "Once you say it, you can't take it back. Trust me. I've thought it too...that shit would be easier. But it wouldn't be. We have a fighting chance with him, Brandt. If he died, we'd never have gotten this chance."
He pauses and watches me before shaking his head. "I think we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, Kinlee. I'm sorry. I just don't see it ever happening."
I swallow back the tears that threaten and shift in my seat, staring out the window. "You're fucking wrong, Brandt."
"I sure hope so. For your sake. But if I'm not...maybe it's time you think about getting your own place."
"Maybe it's time you take me home, Brandt. I can't talk to you about this anymore." I take a deep breath and steel myself for my future. Bo's my future. And now I have to fight for him alone.
And honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on like this. I need my cowboy.
I need my Bo back.