Bristol
It’s been two weeks since Brady told me what was going on. Johnny…just his name sends shivers down my spine. He always looked at me with predatory eyes and I always feared for my safety whenever he would visit. His creepy vibes would keep me on my toes, I wasn’t allowed to retreat to my room, I had to help be a hostess and show my proper upbringing. I was their slave, servant and prostitute. I know, prostitute is such a dirty word, but it’s what I always felt like when I was served up to these men on a silver platter. I learned early on, just because you have money doesn’t mean you have class or morals. It’s a dirty world when you offer your own daughter, your flesh and blood, up as payment for services rendered.
I’ve never told anyone here about how exactly I was used and abused, I just let them make their own conclusions. I was my daddy’s dirty whore, now I’m Ghost’s Ol’ lady, and that means something to me. It helps wash away all the dirty that used to taint my skin. I haven’t allowed my mind to go back to that time and place since I’ve been here, I just wanted a fresh start to life and my new family has given that to me. No more having doctors visit me to keep my shot up to date and STD tests done regularly. Since being with Brady, I’ve never felt so loved and appreciated and I plan on keeping it that way. No one can know my dirty secret, it’s something that I’d prefer goes to the grave with me.
I don’t think anyone here would judge me, at least I hope not. It wasn’t something I willingly did. It was forced upon me, and if I threw a fit or said no the repercussions were life threatening. So, I learned to go somewhere else while it was happening, my mind would wander into a life that I wanted for myself. I would let my imagination take me places that were unheard of for me. Something I believed would never come to fruition. But Johnny, he was his own brand of sadistic, he liked to torture me while he had me. He liked to keep me in the present, not allowing me to make my mental escape. I hope he dies, painfully and slowly, but also taking my dirty secret to his grave when that day comes.
I wish I could wash it all away—my past. I dream that I had loving parents whose only thoughts and heart belonged to me, their only child. Instead I had parents set on revenge and dirty dealings. I made myself a promise however, that I wouldn’t let the past define my future with Brady. I will do everything in my power to keep that promise to myself. I love him, and I’m learning to love myself for the first time. I like who I am now, I want to keep her.
I like the carefree, loving, independent me. That’s why I freaked out over all of the security and bodyguards following me around. That’s all I’ve know my entire life, and I feel my freedom and independence slipping from my grasp every time I see my shadows. I know they’re only doing it to keep me safe from harm, but damn, it felt good when I didn’t have them lurking around every corner of every room I was in. I have to keep in mind that it will all end and I’ll have all of that back again…hopefully, sooner rather than later.
I don’t want to slip back into my make-believe life, I want the one I have now. Now that I know that he is involved, it will help keep me grounded and understand why Brady is being so overprotective. He wants to make sure I’m not alone and vulnerable to be grabbed by my enemies. I trust Brady—therefore I believe that all this will pass and we will go on with our lives the way we are meant to.
Brady has been gone more than he’s here, I know he’s finding leads to take down Johnny, I just hope it’s done soon and we can get back to the way things were before. I miss him, even though he’s here every night to eat with me and go to bed, but I miss our long talks and finding out new things about each other. I always wake up alone, since we’re back at the clubhouse I know I shouldn’t feel alone since someone is always here, but I am lonely without my man. I try to fill my days with online classes and cleaning up around here. These guys are pigs and leave me plenty to do. The more alone I am though, the more time I have with my thoughts. I realize each and every day how much I hate my parents. New memories surface that I thought I’d buried and I wish I’d seen my father take his last breath.
I know these morbid thoughts can lead me down a dark path, but I can’t seem to help myself. I don’t feel my mom got the justice she deserved, solitude isn’t a punishment she should’ve received, but unless I open up about why, I have to deal with the hand life has given me. I hope she drowns in grief, but my mother is the most selfish woman on the planet and she most likely feels like she’s done nothing wrong and is enjoying the fact that she’s gotten away with murdering her brother and the life she’s given me.
Deciding I should get out of bed and leave these thoughts where they belong, I get up and start my day with a shower. I have some school work that needs to be done so I will lose myself in that…again.