CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Tank
I woke alone. The sheets already cold beside me and as I sat up hoping to find her when I looked around, I knew in my heart she was gone. It was all too much. She didn’t believe in herself enough to think that she could fit into my life. Or maybe she didn’t believe enough in me and my true feelings.
While I knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as I hoped it might be, fitting her into my life as a dad would have been hard on everyone. I couldn’t just expect my son to love her like I did, though I had known him since he was born and I knew how he saw people. I had no doubts that he would see all the beauty in her that I did and he would cling onto that with his heart.
But it didn’t fucking matter now. She left without even taking a chance. I should have been mad but all I could feel was the hurt. Not only for me, but for my son. Like with his mother, he didn’t even have a chance to get to know her.
As much as I wanted to compare Dya to the boy’s mother, they were nowhere in the same category. His mother walked away because she couldn’t handle being tied down, couldn’t handle giving her life up for another’s. She, simply, couldn’t be a mother. Dya, however, walked away because in her head she believed it was the best thing for him—for us. She knew I’d just gotten him back. She’d seen me and how broken I was when I thought he was gone. She understood how much he meant to me and she left believing that life would go on as intended.
Only I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back to a life without her. Just like now that I knew my son was alive, I couldn’t go back to the darkness that I’d lived in when I thought he was dead.
All of that meant nothing, seeing as she wasn’t coming back and I had no way to track her down. I would just have to accept the fact that she had blown into my life as fast as the wind had taken her out of it. It didn’t stop the ache in my chest from spreading more and more the longer the clock ticked on.
I showered, hating to wash her scent off of me but knowing that I really fucking needed one. I dressed, irritated that all I had to put on was the clothes I’d been wearing before. Then I set on my way back to Gray Fort. I had shit to get done. Life had to go on.
“Glad you could make it back, brother,” Brass said, clapping my arm in a greeting.
I respected the man. He not only ran this chapter well, but he also had raised a child while doing so. And after his old lady died of breast cancer when Gwen was little, he’d taken it all on by himself. You could tell by the way she looked up to him that he was a good dad. Now she was all grown up and off at college. I couldn’t believe how fast time had gone by.
“Everything alright?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and raising a brow at me.
“Yeah,” I supplied not wanting to tell anyone that my son was in fact still alive, but at the same time, busting at the seams to do just that. “It’s all good.”
“Good,” he grunted knowing that was the end of that. “Nightmare Riders should be here in about an hour. The prez says he’s bringin’ three of his men with him so won’t get too crowded in there. I don’t want to give away anything ‘til I feel comfortable enough that it ain’t a setup.”
I nodded in agreement. Just because we may have been chomping at the bit to get this shit over with, didn’t mean that we shouldn’t be cautious. Desperate men always ended up dead men.
“I’m gonna grab something to eat. Let me know when it’s time,” I said and walked off after he gave me a nod and a clap on the back.
I wasn’t worried about meeting with the other club. The Nightmare Riders MC was based out of the city twenty minutes away. We’d worked a few times with them in the past and every now and then, we’d all get together and throw a big barbecue. We didn’t have anything against other MCs unless they were doing some super shady shit. The Nightmare Riders were much like us, running guns, only they extended up north while letting us take out shit more south. Both clubs were happy to keep things the way they were and nobody tried to step on the other’s toes.
Four hours later, they were on their bikes headed home. After the tense meeting, no one felt up to partying. We learned that they were feeling heat from Savage as well. While Savage didn’t know who their supplier was, he’d been threatening the club. Savage wanted to be their new supplier. Their club was a lot smaller than ours and only had one chapter. They often worked with other clubs to deliver their merchandise. As far as I knew, they’d never had any problems before this.
The meeting didn’t really lead us anywhere. With them having nothing to add to the Savage file, we were left to formulate some sort of plan that I could take back to Cal. At this point, anything was welcomed. I knew I’d been away for a while but it seemed like the club hadn’t nailed down any ideas as far as how to handle the situation.
In the end, the best idea we could all come up with was just to hunt down his place and go in guns blazing. Didn’t sound like the worst idea to me but maybe not the brightest. I wasn’t looking to lose any more brothers and I knew Cal felt the same. That was why he’d hovered back and taken Savage’s shit for so long but that wasn’t working anymore. Truth was, it hadn’t been working for a long fucking time.
I walked away from the meeting knowing the Nightmare Riders would be there when we called, armed and ready to fight by our side.
I drove back home in a daze, torn between hating the world and being thankful that things had turned out the way they had. Strange as it was, my heart only felt half whole, even after finding out my son was alive. I’d realized that over the weeks that I had more in me to give than I’d ever thought before. I saw for the first time what my mother had been trying to get me to see all these years, that I had enough in me to share and that didn’t mean I had to split my love. It didn’t mean that I loved Logan any less or had to push room aside to fit someone else in. Too bad finding that out didn’t matter now.
The clubhouse was the first place I stopped. I knew I needed to see my mom but I had to sit down with Cal before that could happen. As I stepped out of my truck I was surprised to see my bike sitting out front of the clubhouse. It looked a lot less banged up that I had pictured it.
Axe came walking from around the corner, cigarette held to his lips and the end burning bright as he took a hard inhale. With a chin lift and a twitch of a smile, he greeted me.
“Those things will kill you,” I said, just like the other times I’d told him that.
“Eh, something will in the end, right?”
I let out a laugh and shook my head.
“Diesel fixed it up for you,” he said seeing me eying my beauty. “She wasn’t as bad as we thought she was. Just a few bad scratches. Bitch held up well.”
Damn Diesel. I thought back to all the shit I’d said to him. I knew he’d never hold it against me but it didn’t make me feel any better, especially when he went and did shit like this.
“Where’s killer?” Axe asked snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Gone.” I choked as the word tumbled out of my mouth. What else could I say?
“Sorry, brother,” he said giving me a reassuring clap on the back that did nothing to alleviate the pain in my chest. “You really liked her?”
“Doesn’t matter now.” My head tilted up to look at the cloudless sky. “I gotta get in there and get this talk with Cal over. Don’t want the man to have a heart attack because I made him wait too long.” I huffed out a laugh trying to cover the sadness that clouded my soul.
“Yeah, I just stopped by to fill him in on some shit and grab some clothes. I’m sure we’ll get to all that in church later.”
I could tell there was something bigger going on but I knew I’d have to wait to find out. It seemed like there was too much going on and I wondered how it would all play out.
It took way too long to make it through the bar to Cal’s office, where I knew I’d find him waiting. It seemed everyone wanted to stop me and give me there somber greeting. Though they tried their best to hide it, I could see the pity in their eyes. Only thing was there wasn’t really a need for it. But I had to keep the fact that Logan was alive to myself for now.
I spent a good hour talking to Cal. Though there wasn’t much to tell him about the meeting beyond the fact that the Nightmare Riders MC said they’d have our back when the time came.
I waited for the questions about Dya, and they did come, but not with the intensity that I’d anticipated. He mostly wanted to know where the hell she was, and I told him that if I had the answer to that I probably wouldn’t be here. He seemed to understand and left it at that. I figured Loch had filled him in on the lack of information she had. After all, Loch had already questioned her and it was clear she didn’t know much more than we did.
And when he asked me if there was anything else I needed to tell him, I held back my swallow and told him no. I hated lying but I’d do anything to keep my son safe. I knew Cal would forgive me when the time came to reveal it all. He might be angry, but he would understand.
Then he let me go, telling me that he’d go over everything later in church.