CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Nadya
The drive back had me on edge. There were so many questions I wanted to ask but I chose to hold my tongue and I had no idea why. It was obvious he was lost deep in thought and he seemed like the type to like to talk things out. But if I was being honest, this was new territory for me and I was completely at a loss on what to do. Should I ask him how he was feeling? I didn’t deal with feeling very well, so even if he did open up to me I wasn’t sure how I’d react. I had no idea if I would be able to offer the kind of comfort a gentle soul like his would need.
When he suggested that we stop, I didn’t argue. I was tired and I knew we both were emotionally drained.
The way he tenderly loved me in that cheap, shady room left me satisfied yet wanting more. I was still coming to grips with all these new feelings and having someone other than myself to care about.
While I wanted to take on the world with him, I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. And as the doubts crept into my mind, I let them take over. Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest of things to do, but having been on my own for so long, I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. I wasn’t used to having someone else to think of or rely on. How would the future even go? Would he want me to be with him after all of this shit was all over? Would I be okay staying in one place for…well, forever?
He had a son and I wondered if he’d really given any thought about what it would be like for his boy if he brought me around. The whiplash that Noah had been going through must have been so confusing for him. To think that your son was dead and then find out he wasn’t. And on top of that, to make the hardest decision of your life and walk away until things were safe to bring him back.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like. From what he’d told me, it seemed like life liked to fuck with him. And the thing that I found most amazing was that he’d managed to get through it all. Granted, I’d seen him in his darkest days, but who could blame him for being on the edge of giving up then. The thing that got me was that when he was at his lowest, clearly ready to say ‘fuck you’ and give up on it all, he didn’t.
I’ll never forget that night he showed up at my door, soaking wet and spilling his broken words to me. He was a man drowning in the ocean and looking for a life raft with everything he had left in him. He was hanging on until that last breath.
Sure, I imagined that night ended up very differently from how he might have envisioned it. I didn’t think that he set out to, well, fuck the hell out of me. But I couldn’t say that I regretted it. That night I found my reason for breathing and I found a reason to want more. And that reason was the man who’d knocked on my door, soaking wet and spewing every thought and feeling he had the moment I’d opened the door.
Whether or not I was ready to admit it, that was the night I realized I was in love with him.
The feelings had slowly crept in through the back door to my heart since the moment I saw him, but they kept themselves hidden, growing stronger the longer they’d been there. And the moment I’d opened that door and heard his desperate, confused confession, I broke. I gave him my stupid heart right when I had let him in and turned my back on him for the first time.
But was staying there the right thing to do? I couldn’t ignore the hesitation I felt in my heart.
Torn between wanting to be a bit selfish and the need to do what I thought was right, I rolled over and studied his peaceful, sleeping face. I took in his features in the dim light, wanting to remember every little thing about it. Like the three little white patches in his beard, and the way his lashes had a tint of honey to them. And the way strands of his hair always seemed to cover his face. The very same face that I had been so desperate to see from the moment I’d laid eyes on him on the small screen of my phone.
With one last deep breathe in, I knew what I had to do. I kissed his chest, right where his heart was, hoping that he wouldn’t hate me in the end. I knew he’d get over it. He’d go on with his life and be alright. He had his son and his brothers. Even through the tension, I could tell that they all cared about him deeply. It was clear that they were all suffering right along with him, even if he didn’t see it himself. I only wished I could be there the day they all learned the news about his son. I longed to see the happiness rise up amongst the men with the heaviest souls I’d ever seen.
But I wouldn’t be there. I wouldn’t know how it all turned out. And as I slid out of bed and stealthily got dressed, a tear fell from my eye. I let it roll down my cheek as I took one last look at Noah.
Then, without letting myself think that maybe I was making the wrong decision, I slipped out the door and into the rising dawn.
It took me four hours of a combination of walking and hitchhiking to get back to the hellhole I’d been living in for way too long. Though I had no plans on staying or ever looking back, I couldn’t help but feel a pang in my heart. This was where it all started. The beginning of my downfall, if you will.
When I first walked into the door of that shit apartment, I never thought I’d end up here, slightly broken and with no idea what to do. All my life, the next destination never mattered as long as I kept moving but now, there was only one place I wanted to go, one person I wanted to see. I never thought I’d turn my back on the world I’d grown to tolerate. Because I realized it then, I may have been great at my job but that didn’t mean I loved it. That didn’t mean that I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t do it.
I checked the perimeter, and after I was positive that no one was watching the place, I slipped up the creaky stairs until I was hidden behind the closed door of my so-called apartment.
The place was a wreck, obviously having been gone through for any indication of where we might have gone. But I knew they wouldn’t find anything so I didn’t have any feelings of worry. I knew Noah was as safe as he’d been before I’d come into his life.
Only I knew with Savage still out there, he would never be free. His son would never be safe. And his brothers—that he clearly loved so much—wouldn’t be able to live a life free of terror.
Trying my best to not think about it, I collected my clothes and went around the place, pulling items out of their safe hiding spaces. Some of them had been found and my sniper rifle was gone, but I had expected that. It wasn’t like I couldn’t get my hands on another if I needed to.
Pulling back the loose tile in the corner of the shower, I grabbed the waterproof bag that held a stash of cash, an extra key to my bike, and a few new IDs. Once I had everything piled on the bed, I took off the horrible clubwhore clothes I’d been in for two days and dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, then layered it with another. It felt great to be back in my own clothes. Then I loaded my self up, tucking things in their rightful spots, the weight of it all feeling completely natural.
After stuffing everything into my bag, that luckily hadn’t been shredded, I took off out the door. Next to the dumpster in the back corner of the lot, I found my bike right where I’d left her. She appeared to be untouched and I breathed a sigh of relief as I secured my bag on the back. Throwing my leg over and settling down onto the leather seat, I realized just how much I missed riding her.
I rode, the cold wind whipping against my face to the point that my cheeks were numb but I didn’t even notice. My head was consumed with raking over every choice I’d ever made and how I’d made it to that point in my life.
On autopilot, I found myself pulling up to the cabin so far back into the woods that it would have been easy to miss if you didn’t know where you were going. I wondered how I’d even found it in the darkness of the night when I’d brought Noah here.
Did I find it weird as fuck that I had ended up there? Maybe a little. But I also felt a little freaked out and stalkerish. I had no right to be there, but like a moth to a flame, I couldn’t stop my feet from carrying me to the front door.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again?” Grant’s voice called from about twenty feet behind me. It didn’t surprise me in the least, his skill set was probably similar to mine and with me riding my bike up here, there was no way he didn’t hear me coming.
“I…” I honestly had no idea what I was going to say.
“Yep, I get it,” he mumbled, moving up behind me then around me to open the door. “Come in.”
The room looked the same as the last time I’d been standing in it. I wasn’t sure why I expected it to be any different, but something in me hoped that all of this wasn’t real. That I was in some sort of weird dreamland and I kept looking around for that one thing that was out of place that was the clue to it being all wrong. But I didn’t find it and it made me question if maybe I wasn’t right where I needed to be.
“All clear,” Grant called out, moving to sit on the edge of the couch, his eyes glued to my face like he was trying to read me.
“What was it—oh!” Darcy said as she came out of the hall where I presumed she had been hunkered down with Noah’s son. Her eyes darted over my shoulder then around the room.
“He didn’t come with me,” I said knowing she was looking for Noah. Her shoulders slumped a bit but she still held her head high.
“Why are you here?” she asked, her eyes narrowing at me a bit. I liked her, she seemed like she had a good sized set of balls on her. She didn’t know Jack about me and yet she didn’t let that stop her.
“To be honest,” I said slow and controlled, “I have no idea.” I needed to figure some things out and apparently, this is where my brain thought I should do it. But I had a feeling if I said that then I would seem a bit crazy.
“Aunt Darcy, can we play a game now?” A tiny voice called from down the hall as fast footfalls brought him closer to the room.
My heart raced and my body locked in a frozen state. The thing that hit me the most was not knowing exactly what I was feeling on the inside.
Swallowing down the lump in my throat as gracefully as I could, I did my best to prepare myself to see the boy for the first time. Even though, I felt like I already knew him it was all so surreal. The sharp intake of breath that came from me couldn’t be hidden and as his steel gray eyes, that seemed so familiar only smaller, looked up to me, and a fucking tear ran down my cheek.
“Hi,” he said, flashing me a wide smile and waving his hand frantically in the air beside his head.
“Hello,” I croaked out weirdly choked up by strange emotions.
He was the spitting image of Noah. His long hair held golden, honey highlights and the big curls were long enough to tuck behind his ears. His little frame was very solid and not in a way that suggested he was fed too many pancakes. It was just the way he was built. Just like his dad. Though, Noah clearly had the defined muscles of a man. One who I had no doubt worked on those muscles daily before all went to shit in his life.
“I’m Logan. But everyone likes to call me Grass ‘cause I don’t listen and I get in trouble a lot,” he said with a tiny shrug like he wasn’t even fazed by it. I choked out a tiny laugh and that made him smile bigger. “You’re pretty. I like your eyes,” he added, taking me by surprise.
“Thank you,” I said feeling a smile tip up on my lips. “I like your hair.” I had no idea why I’d said that. I was so bad at this—dealing with a kid. I didn’t have the first clue what I should say or do.
“Thanks! My grandma always says I got my dad’s unruly hair,” he said like he was proud of that fact.
“You do.” The words rushed passed my lips before I could even stop them. To that, his little eyes lit up and my heart fucking shattered.
“You know my dad? I miss him. I know he’s probably sad being away from me, but Aunt Darcy says we have to stay here for a little while. But it’s been more than a little while. It’s been forever.” All the words rushed out of his mouth all at once it seemed and it was the most adorable thing. Sadness pulled at his features the more he went on.
It was obvious the boy was at a loss in life without his dad as Noah was without him. I found myself crouching to his level, his feet shuffled forward like he was waiting for me to tell him a secret.
“Your dad misses you, buddy. He talks about you all the time.”
“He does?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “So much so, that I feel like I already know you. And he wants nothing more than to be here with you, but he has to take care of a few things before he can bring you home.” I said feeling this strange need to not lie to him but protect him at the same time. I looked up to Darcy, searching her face for any signs that I was overstepping.
The tears welled in her eyes as she gave me a tiny nod like I was doing a good job. I had no idea why her approval meant so much to me, but strangely it warmed my heart to know.