When I walk out of the house, I had straight to the big willow tree beside the sheep pasture. My feet sink into the plush green grass, and the sweet smell of hay hangs in the air. The farm crew is calling it a day, and I see trucks rumbling down the driveway headed back toward town. The animals were brought back into their pens for the night and all is calm. Everything except my own pounding heart. I take a deep breath, looking up at the sky that's filled with pinks and oranges, purples, hinting at the night ahead.

It's so peaceful up here, just like it's always been. It's the reason I've always loved this place. The reason that even after Mom and Luke split up, I knew I was never gonna let it go.

I remember when I first came here, I was fifteen years old and we came to visit Chris for the day. This is way back before the two of them became partners and started managing this farm together.

Mom, Luke and I came out here, Chris made us a big barbecue. Grilled us steaks and made baked potatoes. I remember my mom laughing and saying this was real man's food. There had been a few moments where I wondered what would be like if Mom really loved a man as good as Chris or Luke. But that thought was fleeting.

Mom never realized the good thing right in front of her. The best thing that ever happened to her was making the decision to take Luke's offer of shelter when she and I both needed it. We would've been on that street that night without Luke's generosity.

I always thought that maybe Mom felt too old for a man like Luke, that maybe that's why there were never sparks between them.

But now, as I sit underneath the big Willow tree, its branches hanging low, swaying in the wind, I see a shift in the story I always told myself.

Maybe nothing ever really happened between Luke and my mom because Luke didn't want it to. Maybe it was never my mom resisting at all.

Luke was between my legs, tasting everything I had to offer. He wanted it. He told me he had always wanted it.

Maybe it was never Mom saying no, maybe it was always Luke pulling back. Maybe Luke said no to her because what he really wanted was me.

I swallow at the realization, and my heart breaks a little for my mother.

Did I take the man she wanted unknowingly?

I pull out my phone, needing to speak to her. Knowing she's the only one who might understand my feelings right now. Not many people would understand because it's so complicated and messy.

I want Luke. I want Chris.

I am needy and I am selfish and I want more than I deserve. Still, I can't help but want it all. I press her number and thankfully she picks up. She always picks up for me.

"Jenna, baby, what is it?"

I spoke with her the day I moved in, she knows all about me coming here to the farm this summer. But what she doesn't know is that I graduated a year early and that after the summer, I have nowhere to go.

And now, the dreams of me staying here at this farm, with the two men I love, seems like a silly fantasy. I let them both touch me today... and I didn't tell either of them about how I truly felt. They probably think I am a hussy or worse. Maybe they want me to leave right now.

I start crying, choking on the words I have to say.

"Mom, I messed everything up. It's all ruined," I hiccup, trying to regain my emotions.

"Baby, whatever are you talking about? What did you mess up? Surely nothing that can't be fixed."

"You don't understand, I... I... I did something I can't take back. What I did has ruined everything."

"What, baby? I can't imagine a girl as sweet and gentle and kind as you could ever ruin anything."

"Mom, I have to tell you something. But once I do, it's going to change our relationship forever. Do you still want to hear it?"

"Oh honey, is this about those two men?"

"Those men?" My mind races. She knows? Did Luke or Chris already call her and tell her?

"I knew the idea of you going out to Chris's farmhouse this summer was gonna be trouble. Luke and Chris... and you ... all in the house alone... Tell me, whose heart did you break?"

"You knew I...?"

"Have been pining after both those men for the last five years, maybe longer?" Mom laughs softly. "Of course I knew. Anyone who saw you around them would know."

"Why didn't you ever tell me to get a grip?" I shake my head, trying to replay in my mind all the past Christmases and Sunday barbecues and birthday parties held here at the farm. Have I embarrassed myself a million times before I embarrassed myself today?

"Get a grip?" Mom asks. "Honey, what would you suppose I should have done? Tell my daughter that the men she wanted were out of her league? I'd say no such thing. You're good enough for anybody who was smart enough to have you."

"Mom, Luke and Chris are over ten years my senior. Isn't that... and Luke was my step…,"

"Jenna, Luke was no more your step-daddy than the garbage man was. You know that. He took care of us, and thank God he rescued us when we needed him the most. And Chris, he has been a stable man in our family for years. We're lucky to have those men. Nothing wrong with you being attracted to them. It's just, at some point I figured you'd either outgrow your fantasy, or you would choose, or, they would choose you."

"I didn't outgrow anything, Mom. In fact... I gave into that fantasy."

I hear mom sigh on the other end, then she speaks gently, "Sweetie, it's okay to give into what your body wants. What your heart wants. But you gotta tell me, which man did you choose?"

My heart constricts then aches. How do I tell her I didn't choose? That I don't how to choose. How do I say that right now, both Luke and Chris are probably shouting in the house about what kind of tramp I am?

"Mom, I didn't choose... I think I messed it all up."

I tell her everything, and maybe that's TMI for most mother-daughter relationships, but nothing is a secret after you've watched your mom get beat up by her boyfriend. Suddenly propriety goes out the window, and in some ways, I'm glad that there isn't a filter between her and I. It's a relief to be able to tell my mother what happened today.

"Sweetie, that's a lot."

"What am I going to do?"

"I'm picturing you out there, under the willow tree, crying all alone. But I'm also picturing Chris and Luke in the house. You say they are yelling and fighting about you. But are you sure that's what's happening?"

"Of course! They both basically told me they want me, and I told them I wanted them both, too ... Mom, it's so complicated."

"But Jenna, you chose them both for a reason, didn't you? You chose them because they are good and kind and solid men. Because they care about you. More than care about you. It sounds like they love you. Maybe they aren't judging you at all."

"Say that's true, even if it is a long shot -- how does that make you feel? You and Luke were married."

"But he and I never slept together. Maybe it was because I was so much older than him. Maybe..."

"Maybe it was because he was in love with me?" I interrupt.

"Exactly. And sweetie, I couldn't want anything more for you than to have either of those men."

"Mom, don't you understand? I want them both. How am I supposed to choose?"

"Follow your heart, Jenna. That's the best advice I can offer. You say that they're yelling in the house but I'm guessing they're not shouting so much as trying to figure out a way to make you happy."

I exhale, wanting her words to be true so badly. "So you don't judge me? For what I did today?"

"There's too much hate in this world already, Jenna. Too much condemnation and judgment. I'm your mother and all I can offer is my love. My greatest wish is for you to be loved."

"But what about you, Mom? You're all alone, without anyone."

"Oh, baby, it's taken a long time for me to get to a place where I can take care of myself. Luke and Chris helped me get a leg up in this world and I'll never forget it. So, don't you worry about your mom. Right now, it's time to worry about you."

"So, you think I should just go back in the house and say what, exactly?"

"I think you need to go in the house and tell them the truth."

"And the truth is?"

Mom laughs. "Oh, Jenna, I can't answer that question for you. The truth is whatever your heart tells you. Follow that. It won't lead you astray."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too. And Jenna?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Those people who say you can't have it all, maybe they're wrong. Maybe you can. Maybe you already do."

I hang up smiling, knowing exactly what I need to do.