We had to hit the wall before we could move past it.

At least that’s how it seems. Over the next few days and week, Kase and I fall into “sync.” I almost don’t want to think about for fear of jinxing it. But he goes to work in the morning, trusts me alone with Liam all the time now, and comes home in a way better mood. There are more smiles, more compliments, more “thank yous,” and every night ends in his bed or mine.

Not every sexual encounter is rough. Some are slower, more traditional, depending on his mood that day. But they all end with us falling asleep together, and I can’t remember a time in my life’s history when it wasn’t that way. Weren’t we always a couple? Didn’t we always have hot sex then collapse in a spent heap of happiness?

How did I live so long without this?

Without him?

Something else happens, too. Liam and I are like “this.” He babbles, “La, la, la, la” every time he sees me, which I’m hoping is supposed to represent “Alana,” he always wants to be wherever I am, and he cries if I leave the room. I’m his everything, even though the evenings are reserved for his father.

Watching Liam and Kase together is the most rewarding part of my day. When Kase throws himself on the floor and lifts Liam on his legs high into the air like SuperBaby, I honest to God want to bawl. He may not be perfect, he may be secretive, and I still don’t know what he’s hiding from me, but he loves his kid. I have to always remember, no matter what he’s done, he’s a good father.

But it does make me wonder. What is it?

Is he wanted for armed robbery? Did he murder his wife? Is he wanted in fifty states? My morbid curiosity leads me to online searches about Kase Hardwin. It’s odd knowing that I’m sleeping with a man I know little about. But luckily, nothing turns up other than the usual business articles featuring his company.

At times, Kase will scoop me into his arms and kiss me right in front of Liam. I know he’s just a baby and probably doesn’t understand anything that’s going on, but I also know that’s bullshit. Babies, children, pick up on things, and I’m shocked every time he leans in and kisses me sweetly right in front of his son.

What does this mean?

Are we a thing?

I don’t know what the things are anymore. His words echo in my mind all the time, though.

I’m not a good man, Alana.

I shouldn’t be with him. He’s no good for me. And yet, I can’t see how he’s bad for me either, when I’m happier every day and smiling almost all the time. Can this last? When he clearly told me that I wouldn’t get him to love me?

But isn’t that what kisses in the kitchen in front of a baby are?

If this isn’t love, that’s fine. But then, WHAT IS IT?

Sometimes, it’s as if Kase has suddenly remembered he’s not supposed to have feelings, and he’ll let me know it by being an asshole for a whole of ten minutes. It’s like Bert Roper takes over his mind (not his body, thank goodness) and suddenly, he’s ordering me around again. But rather than get offended by it, I just wait. Because it usually doesn’t last long. And before I know it, he’s staring at me again holding his son like I’m the best thing to ever enter his life.

I don’t know.

What the fuck.

Is going on.

I wish I did.

All I can say is it’s been the weirdest, most rewarding six weeks of my life. But…is this all we’ll ever be?

One night, I’m giving Liam his nightly bath, lovely lavender scents filling the bathroom, as the baby splashes in the water over and over again having just discovered his power to make water move, when Kase walks in.

“It just occurred to me…”

His deep voice resonates behind me, and I glance over my shoulder to see him standing there, pen in hand, clearly just working in his office.

“That?” I ask, pouring warm water over Liam’s head of baby hair.

“That we’ve had such a busy month, I haven’t given you any time off, Alana.”

It’s funny. I had thought about this earlier, weeks ago even, when I first started working here. I thought about it all the time—when am I ever going to get a break? But ever since that fateful night when I almost left Kase for good? I don’t think about time off anymore. I’m happy taking care of Liam, and I’m happy that Kase takes over when he gets home, and I’m happy knowing they’re both nearby and I’m not alone in this.

“Oh,” I say.

“You don’t want time off?”

“Well…” I wipe my brow and look at Liam’s chubby wet cheeks. So cute! “I, uh…I guess some time off would be nice. What do you mean? Like a few days?” Honestly, I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to be away from these two that long. What’s wrong with me?

“I meant like an afternoon, a day, or even an evening. Don’t you have friends you want to go chill with?”

“Do you want me to go, Kase? Like, do you need time away from me?” The thought just occurs to me that maybe he’s the one in need of a break, though I do my best to give him space, and I rarely ask him for any information about his past. He made that very clear from the beginning, and I’ve always tried to respect that.

“No, I mean…” He rubs his neck in that way when he’s thinking about saying something that will push him out of his comfort zone, pull him farther way from his goal of recluse except for bouts of exercising his kinky sexual habits. He’s on the brink of taking us another level.

I can feel it.

“Alana…” He sighs and leans against the door frame in defeat. Sweet defeat. His words are more beautiful than any I’ve ever heard him utter before, even the sexy ones. “Do you want to go out…with me? Tomorrow night?”

Alarms sound in my head. What does this mean? Is he breaking down some more? Am I “making him love me?” Or does he just want a mental break from it all, like most good parents, and needs a buddy to join him?

Either way…YASSS.

But I have no clothes for this. I have no dress. I need my hair done, and my nails, and my God, I haven’t gone on a date in…shit…ever! I’ve had sex so many times now, but never gone on a date. I chuckle to myself. There in the bathroom, all sweaty and exhausted and nanny-like, I smile over my shoulder and say, “I’d love that.”