Chapter Two

Cole

 

As soon as Jimmy left Agenda, Seth sidled up to me beside the espresso machine. “You seem pretty friendly with that sexy Santa.”

I shook my head with a laugh. “It’s not like that.”

“Not like what? Like you two are awkward exes?”

“Exactly. No. What was between us- It was nothing.” When Jimmy and I hooked up a couple of years ago, it was just a Grindr thing, no emotions involved. Or it was supposed to be.

Seth looked me up and down, his lips pursed. I considered myself friends with my boss — both of my bosses — but Seth was uncannily good at empathizing with his friends. “Well, Mr. Nothing took his hot cocoa, but he left his coffee behind.” He gestured at the paper cup still on the counter. “He must be as flustered as you.”

“I’m not flustered,” I protested. “I’m fine.”

Okay, I was swooning a little bit. Jimmy had that effect on me, with his wild, dark hair, bright blue eyes, and deep pink lips. He managed to make a Santa costume look sexy.

“You should go after him,” said Seth. He pressed the hot coffee cup into my hand.

“I’m working. Here, for you, remember?”

“And your job is to satisfy our customers. Do you really want Jimmy to get crawled over by snotty children without any coffee in his system?”

“We’re busy,” I pointed out.

“Zane should be back any minute,” said Seth. “And as your boss, I’m telling you I can hold down the fort. Go after Jimmy and give him his drink.”

“When you said customer service was a big part of this job, you weren’t kidding.”

“As your friend,” continued Seth, “I’m telling you that if you like him as much as I think you do, you should ask him out.”

“It’s complicated.”

It was bizarre to have a boss that was also so staunchly my friend. I’d been getting coffee at Agenda long before my job here was on the table, and by then I’d already become friends with Seth and Zane, who owned the place. When I mentioned needing a job to work around college, Zane immediately suggested I work here. The fact that I had no idea how to make coffee meant nothing to them. Seth was a good teacher.

“At least take him the coffee,” said Seth. “If nothing else, he works nearby. He could make a good customer.”

There were enough customers already here that I couldn’t protest any more without holding up the queue. I quietly ducked out the back of the coffee shop into a small alley. The cold sliced through my work clothes, and a sloppy clump of sleet landed directly into my eye.

I blinked my sight clear while I headed to the sidewalk, coffee tightly in hand.

I had no idea which direction Jimmy went. As striking as he looked, he was of average height, easy to lose in a crowd.

Just look for Santa, I told myself.

I spotted a flash of red and broke into a jog to catch up, taking care not to jostle the cup of coffee.

“Hey!” I yelled. “Wait up!”

But when I made eye contact, I realized I’d spotted the wrong Santa. His eyes were twinkling cheerily, blue like Jimmy’s, but not ice bright. This Santa was collecting for a charity, and he was considerably older than Jimmy. Daddy Christmas wasn’t my thing.

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “Wrong Santa.”

He chuckled merrily. “Tis the season. Would you like to make a donation to Red Cross?”

Too awkward to say no, I dug my spare hand through my pocket until I found some small change that, judging by the lint on it, had been through the washing machine with these pants. I plopped my coins into his bucket.

“Merry Christmas,” he said.

“Have you seen another Santa walking past?” I asked eagerly.

“Another Santa?” he chuckled a belly-laugh. “You could try MerryMart down the road. They have a Santa working there-

“Thanks!” I said, already walking away. “Uh, happy holidays!”

“Merry Christmas!” he called after me.

I shook my head. I didn’t usually interact with street Santas. What was I doing? I could have just taken the coffee back to Seth and told him that I couldn’t find Jimmy. It was true, right?

Except I knew where to look for Jimmy now. I couldn’t seem to stop my legs taking in long strides that direction.

“Damn it, Seth,” I muttered to myself. Even though it wasn’t Seth’s fault. I could have said no, and he wouldn’t have pushed it any further. But I didn’t say no. Was it because I wanted to see Jimmy again?

I couldn’t entertain that thought. Even if I did want to see Jimmy again, I was pretty sure he didn’t want to see me. I had ghosted on him, after all, and I hadn’t told him why.

Sometimes a guy didn’t want to deal with feelings. Especially not his own.

MerryMart was easy to find, on account of the giant inflatable Santa standing on the roof, and the display of twinkling lights, elves, and nativity scenes in the windows. A lone menorah was pushed awkwardly to the side.

I slipped inside. The sound of cheesy Christmas songs swept over me, and I couldn’t help but smile, even as Elvis cried over the loudspeaker about how blue his Christmas was going to be without me.

I scanned the room to see if I could find Jimmy. Somehow it was more cramped and crowded in here than it had been on the sidewalk, but at least it was warm, and it smelled like sweet pine trees.

I loved the holiday season. I loved covering everything I owned with tacky strips of tinsel, I loved baking lavish treats and buying thoughtful presents, I loved spending time with my family… Chestnuts over an open fire and everything.

This was to be my first Christmas without my parents, and while I knew they were having the time of their lives on their holiday cruise, I couldn’t help but pang at thinking about the holiday season without them. It was something I’d keep to myself, of course. No one needed to be burdened with my feelings.

I approached a staff member — at least, I assumed she was a staff member and not a random girl dressed as an elf. “Is Jimmy here?” I asked.

“Jimmy?” she repeated blankly.

“He might be working here as Santa-”

“Oh, that Jimmy! Yeah, he’s over there.” She pointed across the room. “Santa’s grotto.”

“He left his coffee behind at my work,” I said. I extended the cup to her. “Could you give it to him for me?”

“Sorry, dude. I’m working. You can line up to see him though.”

“Line up? It’s just a coffee.”

She shrugged sympathetically. “If you want to see Santa, you have to pay. Coffee or no coffee.”

“That’s-” I took a deep breath. I was starting to get exasperated, but it wasn’t this woman’s fault. “That’s okay.”

I knew what it was like to get abused by customers during the holiday season. Over just the last week, I’d been accosted by a couple of people who had wandered into the cafe for our cheap cocoa, only to be scandalized when the place with a pride flag hanging outside happened to be patronized and staffed by queer people.

Despite my misgivings, I lined up to see Jimmy. Why was I doing all this just to get a guy his cup of coffee? I knew Seth took customer service seriously, but this took above and beyond to a whole new galaxy.

I was considering walking away, telling Seth it was too much effort — to be fair, it was — but then I met Jimmy’s eyes. And damn, I hated those eyes. Even though I tore my gaze away as quickly as possible, I couldn’t leave the line now that I’d looked into them.

“Do you want a picture with Santa?” a tall, Middle-Eastern elf asked me, a small note of surprise in his voice.

“Can I see him without getting a picture?” I asked.

“You have to pay for a picture if you want to see Santa.”

I sighed. “Okay. Whatever. How much?”

It was expensive, but whatever. What would be worse? Spending too much money on a photo with my ex or running away and making him think I was avoiding him?

I paid and joined the line.

I texted Seth. Sorry, he’s got customers. This might take a while.

I didn’t expect an immediate response, but I kept holding my phone, just in case it vibrated and I was needed for an emergency back at Agenda. That would give me an excuse to leave, right? I could look at my phone, shocked, then look back up at Jimmy and mouth sorry before running away.

It occurred to me that I could act that out without actually getting a text from Seth, but I was a bad actor. It wouldn’t work. Or at least, that was the excuse I tried to tell myself, even though I knew deep down that I was here because I wanted to talk to Jimmy.

I’d wanted to talk to him at Agenda, but he left too soon. The moment I saw him, I was eager to find out exactly what he was up to these days — and did he have a boyfriend? I wanted to indulge myself by listening to the musical notes of his soft voice, and I desperately wanted to make him laugh again.

I chanced another look his way. A small child was grasping at his beard, and he was gingerly trying to ease it away. A shutter and a flash of light came suddenly, and the kid started screaming.

“Next!” said a different elf. I’d never seen so many elves outside of a fantasy movie.

The line shuffled slightly forward and three giggling blonde women and one frat-bro posed around Jimmy to get their picture taken.

Even with the fake beard and behind the ridiculous blush smeared on his face, Jimmy was as gorgeous as ever. Back when I saw him on a regular basis, I was going through my so-called ‘slutty phase’. I’d just left home, just started college, and my only goal in life was to bang as many attractive men as possible.

Jimmy was the best of the bunch. Not necessarily when it came to looks — although he was uniquely striking — but he was a legend in the bedroom. And the more I saw him, the more he started to become a friend, someone I genuinely cared for.

Naturally, that was when I stopped talking to him.

After a few more months of mindless hookups, I regretted it. Maybe I hadn’t been ready for a relationship early last year, but for the past ten-and-a-half months, my new resolution had been to find someone worthy of my time.

“Next!” said the elf.

As I drew closer to Jimmy, my hand shook so my much it vibrated the paper cup of coffee. Then my other hand buzzed, scaring the hell out of me. As I flinched, my hand slipped, and coffee splashed down my shirt. It was no longer scalding, but still hot enough to be painful on my skin. I swore, getting a sharp look from one of the elves.

“Sorry,” I said hastily, pulling my hot, wet shirt away from my body and flapping it through the air to cool it down. At least this coffee didn’t have milk in it, and my clothes wouldn’t sour. I always got at least one impromptu coffee shower a day.

Before I glanced down at Seth’s message, I stole another look at Jimmy. Even behind his beard, I could tell that he was smirking at my misfortune. I cringed. Lucky for me, the girl who had been clinging to her mother’s leg finally decided it was time to clamber onto Santa’s lap, rendering him distracted.

I checked my phone to see what Seth had said. No worries, take your time ;)

I sighed, but I couldn’t help smiling too. Seth had been trying to get me a boyfriend ever since I mentioned I wanted a relationship. This was the first time he’d seen me show anything close to interest in anyone. I could practically hear the squeak of excitement in his voice.

The deal had always been clear between Jimmy and me. No romance. Just plain fucking. I had been right to leave, for both of us.

And yet, for the past year, there had been a niggling voice in the back of my head.

What if you’d given it a shot?

What if I’d told Jimmy I was developing feelings for him, and what if — a wild, one-in-a-million chance — he had been developing feelings for me too?

It felt like forever until it was my turn with Santa, even though judging from the time on my phone, I’d been waiting in line for only eight minutes.

“Next!” said the elf, looking at me curiously. I supposed they didn’t get too many single men wanting to take a photo with Santa.

I had to walk onto a rickety stage to reach Jimmy’s Santa throne. I usually didn’t shy from attention, but I was covered in coffee, blushing redder than Jimmy’s makeup, and there were children’s beady eyes fixed on me.

As I approached, Jimmy raised his eyebrows at me so high they disappeared under his festive red hat.

“You forgot your coffee at the shop,” I said, extending it to him. I flashed what I hoped was a cool, confident smile. “It’s probably cold by now, but-”

“Thanks,” he said, taking it and putting it to the side. “But I’m on the clock now. My boss will have my head if I ruin the illusion of Santa for the kids. Santa drinks milk, not coffee.”

“Then how does he stay awake all night on Christmas eve?” I asked.

Jimmy chuckled.

“Santa,” said the elf, “there are more kids to see you. Can you hurry this up a little?”

I stared at the elf, then at Jimmy, then back to the elf again. Did I have to get my photo taken? I supposed I’d paid for it, so yeah. I might as well get my money’s worth.

I sat on Jimmy’s lap and smiled at the camera.

“Wow,” he said. “I didn’t expect you to- Uh-”

I hadn’t expected to sit in his lap either, but wow was right. I hadn’t been this close to Jimmy since the last time we’d been sweaty and naked together. How was it that, even amid the sensory overload of a place like this, I couldn’t feel anything except him? My bony butt dug into his padded thighs, and as I leaned against him, I could feel the rhythm of his steady breaths.

“I paid for a photo with Santa,” I said cheerily, trying to pretend that being this close to Jimmy didn’t affect me the way it did.

“You got plenty of photos of me without paying,” murmured Jimmy. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to hear him. I couldn’t even tell if he was being bitter or teasing me goodnaturedly. But either way, his words made my stomach flip and I had to bite my lip to keep myself grounded. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking of Jimmy’s dick pics.

The shutter went off.

“Do you maybe want to go out sometime?” I asked before I could think better of it and change my mind.

“What?” said Jimmy.

“I mean. We used to have fun. Maybe we could have fun again?” I wasn’t wording myself properly, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Next!” said the elf.

I got to my feet, shooting what I hoped was an enticing look at Jimmy. “What do you say?”

“I say I still have the same number,” said Jimmy stiffly.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I said next,” said the elf. He shot Jimmy an exasperated look.

“I mean… Yeah, call me. If you really want to.”

Maybe this was a bad idea. I was aware that I was holding up the line, gaping at him. He was half-obscured by a synthetic beard, and it was hard to judge how this conversation was going on his end. I knew what I wanted, but what did Jimmy want?

“But later,” he continued sharply. “You’ve got to go. If a customer complains about the line taking too long, it’s me and Talal who take the blame.” He gestured at the tall elf.

“Right.” I nodded. I'd already made things awkward, and I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. Not everyone had bosses like Seth and Zane.

I shuffled out of Santa’s grotto, toward the stand where my festive photo was printing. I’d done what I’d meant to do here — I’d given him coffee. And I’d even done what I hadn’t thought I’d had the courage to do — I’d asked him out.

I just couldn’t work out what his answer was.

“Here’s your picture,” said a different elf again, handing it over with a raised eyebrow.

“Will, um- Will Santa see this?” I asked, alarmed.

In the photo, I was leaning towards Jimmy with an ardent expression. My lip was caught between my teeth, and my eyes were locked on him. Lust was written plainly all over me.

To an unfamiliar eye, I probably looked like a guy with a Santa Claus fetish.

I could have paid extra for a cheery frame, but I hadn’t even wanted to pay for the photo. It was humiliating.

“Thanks,” I muttered to the elf, and I darted away.

When I was back outside, I took a deep breath and steeled myself. The air was foggy from the breaths of bundled-up pedestrians who flooded the street, packed together so close that there was no way I wouldn’t be jostled around in the fray. I hoped it hadn’t gotten too busy at Agenda in my absence. I didn’t want to leave Seth and Zane in the lurch.

I surrendered to the crowd to hurried back, but not before I scrolled through my contacts to check that yes, I did still have Jimmy’s number.

His words bubbled through my mind. I still have the same number. Did that mean I should call him? Or was he throwing a barb at me about how I hadn’t called him in over a year, and now I dared to ask for a date?

A text couldn’t hurt. He could respond or not respond to a text and that would tell me everything I needed to know. Yes, I would text him.

Later.

After all, he was at work right now, and I should have been at work too.

I texted Seth instead. On my way back.