Chapter Ten

Cole

 

I checked the time. Mom had been jabbering away to me for over forty-five minutes now; this call must have been costing her a fortune.

Jimmymas was shaping up to be unparalleled, but I still felt homesick for my family Christmas. Mom’s voice was a familiar comfort. I perched on top of the icy lid of the dumpster outside Agenda and hugged my knees to my chest. If my parents were home, I would be sipping mulled wine on the deck with Dad and listening to gossip about the other pilots he worked with. Or perhaps I’d be helping Mom fasten a Santa’s sleigh and some plastic reindeer to the roof.

I hadn’t felt this homesick in a while.

“I miss you, baby,” Mom said for the umpteenth time.

“I know, Mom. I miss you too.”

“You do have good holiday plans, don’t you?”

“I told you already. Agenda is doing a big thing.”

She tittered. “I worry about you only having work friends around for Christmas.”

“They’re not work friends. They’re friends I happen to work with, and friends of the friends I happen to work with.”

“Still, I-”

“And I have a boyfriend now. He’ll be there.” A giddy smile spread across my face as I said it, and a wave of excitement crashed over my homesickness.

“A boyfriend? A real boyfriend? Why didn’t you tell me before?” Mom’s voice pitched higher with excitement. “Paul, did you hear that? Cole has a boyfriend!”

I heard my dad chuckle in the background. “It’s about time,” he said.

“Did you hear your dad?” asked Mom. “He’s happy for you. We’re both so happy-”

“Yeah, I heard him.”

“So tell me everything,” said Mom. She always got shrill and loud when she was happy; I had to hold the phone slightly away from my ear. “What’s his name?”

“His name is Jimmy. He’s-” How could I describe Jimmy to my parents? He was sweet and vulnerable and handsome and he could make me laugh like no one else. Plus, he was great in bed. “He’s wonderful. I really like him.”

“Tell me everything. How did you meet him? How long have you been together? What does he look like?”

“He’s gorgeous. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a month now, and we’ve been official for almost three weeks.” I glowed on the inside. Three fantastic, breathtaking weeks.

“Does he go to your school?” she asked.

“No,” I said hastily. “No, we met at the coffee shop.”

“How romantic,” gushed Mom.

“Just like in all that fanfiction you read, right?”

“Hush, Cole,” she told me. I could just imagine the way her face was pinkening — like the time she’d gone bright red after I accidentally found smutty fanfic saved on the family computer. “Don’t tease your poor mother. What does Jimmy do?”

“What does Jimmy do?” asked Mom. “How did you meet?”

“At the moment, he’s a professional Santa Claus.”

“Oooooh,” she said. “How interesting.”

I laughed. “I should go, Mom. It’s super busy, and Seth’s already letting me take too long of a break.”

“Say no more. I’ll let you go. Keep warm, won’t you?”

“Of course I will, Mom.”

“And be safe.”

“Yes, Mom.” I was sure she could hear my eyes roll over the phone.

“I love you, Cole.”

“Love you, too.”

As pretty as it was outside, in this snow-covered alley, I was glad to go inside, where feeling crept back to my nose.

“How are your parents doing?” asked Seth, handing me a roll of paper towels as soon as I entered the room. I began wiping down some glasses while he dealt with customers and Zane made coffee for them.

“They’re good. Dad got sunburned yesterday, can you believe it?” I gestured with a dirty glass to the monochromatic city outside. “They were snorkeling with dolphins off the coast of New Caledonia.”

Zane fanned his face with his hand. “It feels like we’re snorkeling through customers here. I could do with an oxygen tank.”

Seth kissed him on the cheek lightly. The customer in front of him awwed. “You’re thinking about scuba diving, babe.”

“You two are so cute,” I said. Seth and Zane were relationship goals.

“Speaking of cute, Jimmy came by while you were on the phone,” said Seth.

I looked at the time. “Damn it. I hoped Sharon would give him his break late or something. He wasn’t mad at me, right? I just didn’t want to turn down the call, it’s been ages-”

“It’s been ages since you’ve talked to your mom. I get it, don’t worry.”

“Does Jimmy get it?” I bounced nervously on the balls of my feet.

But Seth was talking to a customer again.

“I don’t think he’s mad at you,” said Zane. “He was definitely a bit mopey.”

I nodded. I suspected that had less to do with my absence, than why I was absent.

“We’re all going around to Dean’s place tonight before Orson heads off to see his family tomorrow,” said Seth. “You should invite Jimmy.”

“Are you sure?” I already felt like I was intruding on their friend group enough.

“I wouldn’t have extended the invitation if I wasn’t sure.”

“I’m not going to say no.” The more time I got to spend with Jimmy, the better.

“You have thirty more seconds of break to text him an invite,” said Zane.

I looked at the line, so long it was almost out the door.

The message I sent was brief. Sorry I missed you! I was on the phone. Do you want to come around to Dean’s with all of us after work?

Then I got back to work. My bosses were unbelievably compassionate, and I wanted to prove I was worth it.

 

***

 

Dean lived a little way out of town, far enough away that he could get away with having a firepit in the backyard. He was unemployed, so I had no idea how he managed to own this place, but I thought it might have been rude to ask. I was thankful that he did.

It was perfect weather for us to cup thermoses and sit around the fire, watching glowing embers spit and sizzle. Excitable flames jumped up in front of us, throwing welcome heat over the crowd. Far beyond the firepit, Dean’s overgrown garden was filled with frosty plants, and his grass was covered in a couple of inches of delicate snow.

Jimmy and I sat on an old wagon wheel that had been repurposed into a makeshift seat. He leaned against me, and even though we were both wearing heavy layers of winter clothes, the warmth of his body reached me and made my skin tingle.

“This is nice,” he murmured, mumbling into my shoulder.

And it was nice. Maya and Orson were sharing a joint on the opposite side of the fire to us, with Orson’s pit bull, Jax, flopped on the ground at their feet. The not-unpleasant scent of cannabis carried over to us.

Zane was sketching quietly on a beanbag by himself, while Seth, Dean, and Topher talked animatedly about a book I’d never read. I could have joined in with either group, but instead, I used this opportunity to huddle in front of a fire with my first real boyfriend.

Jimmy was quiet, even for him. He usually stayed close-to-silent in large social settings, more inclined to blush than join in when his name was mentioned, but he had barely even whispered in my ear. I wished I knew what was wrong. Maybe he was still cold over me missing our scheduled lunch date, but I would have thought that me bringing him here tonight would have more than made up for that. This was a whole evening of hanging out rather than just a few minutes at lunchtime.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m tired,” he confessed. “And I’m overwhelmed.”

“Oh. I shouldn’t have invited you-”

“No.” He turned and caught me in a kiss. When we pulled away from each other, firelight reflected in his sparkling blue eyes. Fire and ice, I thought. “I’m glad you invited me. It’s a good kind of overwhelmed. I just- I’ve never experienced this before.”

He gestured around at everyone, silhouetted by the fire against the snow.

“You know what else you’ve never experienced before?” I said excitedly.

A sultry smirk spread over his face. “No, but I’d like to.”

“Get that dirty look off your face.” I stood up and cleared my throat. “Hey, everyone! Did you know that Jimmy Claus here has never made a snowman?”

Maya sprung to her feet immediately. Her eyes were glazed and bloodshot, and she had a goofy grin on her face. “Let’s build a motherfucking snowman!” she yelled.

Orson laughed next to her. “Shush, Maya.”

Topher shook his head, amused. “Let’s build a motherfucking snowman then.”

“Lucky thing Portland is getting so much snow this year,” said Zane as he set his sketchbook to the side and got to his feet.

“There’s nothing lucky about climate change,” said Topher seriously.

There wasn’t enough snow on the ground to make a world-class snowman, but we made the best of what we had. Orson’s dog weaved around our feet, barking sharply, and stealing the snowman’s stick arms any time they were left unattended. Building our snowman took double the time it should have taken, on account of the time we spent chasing Jax around. He thought it was the best game ever. His big doggy grin widened as he dodged us with surprising grace.

It had started snowing in earnest by the time we were done. Orson wrapped his arms around Jax’s chest, and Jax whined plaintively at the snowman. 

Topher clapped Jimmy on the shoulder. “Great job,” he said.

Jimmy smiled jubilantly.

After photos of the snowman had been taken and Instagrammed, we sat down by the fire again, and Orson let Jax go. It didn’t take long before there was a snowman crime scene in front of us. Jax brought one of the dismembered stick-arms back and dropped it at Orson’s feet expectantly.

“So what else haven’t you done, Jimmy?” asked Orson as he chucked the stick back into the yard, to Jax’s delight. “Have you ever had weed? Do you want some? It’s okay if you don’t.”

Jimmy laughed. “I’ve smoked pot before. So yeah, why not?”

Orson pulled a pipe out of his many-pocketed jacket. “What about you, Cole?”

“Nah. Weed doesn’t do it for me. I don’t have any problem with people smoking around me, though.”

“I figured you’d say if you did. Honesty’s the policy with this crew, right guys?”

“Right,” said Seth.

Jimmy took the pipe off Orson and coughed on his first hit until his eyes streamed.

“Are you sure you’ve done this before?” Maya teased.

“Yes, I’m sure,” said Jimmy, a lopsided smile already starting to creep across his face. “Back when I was trying to be a high school rebel.” He took another hit.

“This is much better than anything anyone smokes in high school,” said Orson. He raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to be screwed by the end of the night, my dude.”

Jimmy winked at me, sending my stomach aflutter.

“Does anyone want to make snow angels with me?” asked Maya. She flopped out spread eagle in the snow.

“Why not?” said Jimmy tentatively. He passed the pipe back to Orson.

“Hell yes! Are you a snow angel virgin?” Maya asked.

Jimmy nodded. His face was already splotched red from the cold, but I swore I saw him blush.

“It’s easy,” Maya laughed. “I’ll take it real slow for you.”

“Should I play some romantic music?” asked Topher.

“Topher!” scolded Dean. “Don’t put pressure on them. This is supposed to be special.”

Jimmy laughed as he spread out in the snow. I could listen to that laughter forever. I loved seeing him happy. All that pain and torment he guarded behind his eyes was gone for now. He looked truly joyous. Merry, you might even say.

It was impossible to deny how I felt when I watched him. Before I ghosted on Jimmy last year, I had glimpses of these emotions. But this time, they were so much stronger. I couldn’t have run if I wanted to.

After Jimmy officially lost his snow angel virginity, it was time for a snow fight. Jax got even more involved in this game than he had with the snowman. When he managed to catch one of Dean’s stray snowballs, he crushed it to flakes in his powerful jaws and then whined and pawed the ground where it disappeared. The same thing happened with the next ball he caught, but it didn’t deter him.

I stood back to catch my breath and watch. My friends were all truly beautiful people. Orson had chosen to sit out the snowball fight; instead, he warmed his hands next to the fire, eyes closed, his face the picture of contentment. As I watched them, Dean jumped a couple of feet into the air to crush a pile of ice down Topher’s neck. Topher yelped and squealed shrilly. Laughing, he turned to chase Dean through the overgrown garden, snowball in hand. Seth and Zane were looking at each like a gay stock photo on a Christmas card. Maya, with delicate white flakes caught in her eyelashes and scattered through her hair, looked like an angel come to life.

Then there was Jimmy. My friends might have looked beautiful in that straight-out-of-a-holiday-catalog way, but Jimmy was gorgeous in a way I couldn’t compare to anything. A smile spread across his face as he triumphantly caught Zane in the arm with a snowball. He pumped a fist into the air and cheered in victory. Covered in snow, his face blotchy with cold, and his eyes shiny with excitement, he took my breath away.

I’d seen him in ecstasy before, but I’d never seen him happy like this. It made everything feel lighter.

The difference a family could make.

A twinge of guilt caught me in the stomach. What did I think I was doing? If things ended between us, Jimmy wouldn’t just lose me. I knew him too well to think he would have the courage to maintain friendships with these guys after we broke up. He would deem them my friends, and he’d step away.

I wanted to believe a relationship between me and Jimmy was possible, but I knew I’d ruined stuff between us before. Who was to say I wouldn’t make a stupid choice again?

If he lost these people — his first real friends, his hope for a community that loved him — because of me, I would never forgive myself.

But then I caught his eye across the dying embers in our firepit, and my worries melted away. Warmth bloomed inside me. Jimmy waved me over, and I re-joined the snowball fight.

By the time we were done, we looked like snowmen ourselves.

Dean was the most dramatic, with ice not just through his hair but crusted into his bushman’s beard.

“Jimmy, you look like a candy cane,” he announced.

“A candy cane?” said Jimmy.

“You’re skinny and tall and pink and white.”

I wrapped my arms around Jimmy’s shoulders. Dean wasn’t wrong. “My candy cane,” I murmured in his ear. Then even quieter, I said, “I look forward to sucking all the flavor out of you.”

“Let’s hope my dick doesn’t become pointy enough to shank someone,” laughed Jimmy, not as quietly as he thought he was being.

“I’m going to go over there now,” said Dean, pointing left and raising his eyebrows so high that heavy creases appeared in his smooth forehead. He wandered over to — surprise, surprise — Topher.

Jimmy leaned back against me.

“Thanks for inviting me tonight,” he said. He sighed. “I’m so happy.”

“Same,” I said.

“I’m happy with you,” he said. He caught my lips with a surprise kiss that stole the breath right out of my lungs.

“Same,” I said, trying to ignore the seed of concern burying itself in my mind. If we were so happy together, what would happen if I screwed up again and together fell apart? This was my first relationship. I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I was too happy with Jimmy, too happy with my life, to care, especially as he caught me in a surprise kiss. His ice-cold lips stole my breath and melted my doubts away.