Chapter Nine

Jimmy

 

I took my early five-minute break outside with Talal. The fresh air both froze and refreshed me. I slipped down my beard to let my face breathe. That felt good.

“It’s good to see you happy,” said Talal.

I was happy. As Christmas encroached, MerryMart got busier and busier. Now that we had just over one week to go until the big day, it was wild. But the sticky-fingered children climbing over my lap had barely bothered me for the last two and a half weeks. On every decent length break I got, I ran down the road to see Cole. It was so much easier to get through the day with the promise of coffee-stained kisses at lunch — even if I was wearing my Santa suit at the time. He’d been on break for the last couple days, but he was back today, and I was eager to see him again. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face all day. Good thing smiling like an idiot was literally in my job description.

“Thanks,” I said. “It’s good to be happy.”

I hugged my arms around myself and stared over the inch of white snow covering the ground. Snow could make even big cities look rustic and quaint. It was unusual for us to get so much here, but I wasn’t complaining. This season was already shaping up to be exceptional.

“How are you doing?” I asked. Talal dealt with much worse from customers than I’d ever gotten.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I think I might have a job lined up for after I finish here.”

“That’s great. I know you were worried about that.”

“It’s as a cashier at a grocery store,” Talal continued. “So… There will be customers.” He rolled his eyes. “But it’s a stable job.”

“A stable job is good.” I still didn’t know what I was doing once December ended. I’d been too caught up with Cole and Agenda to put much effort into searching for a new job.

Anxiety gripped my muscles. The new year would follow on the heels of Christmas — Jimmymas — and I had no plans yet. At least I had no one to support except myself. Talal was a raising a young son on his own. I was much more glad for his success than sad about my failure.

It was harder to wallow in my own woes lately. There wasn’t as much to be woeful about. Memories of my family paled against the present, which I got to spend with my new, wonderful friends. And with Cole. My body crackled with energy and my heart swooped every time I thought of him.

A few days ago, I had come into work with the exciting news that we had officially agreed to be boyfriends. It sounded childish, but it had me happier than a cat on catnip.

Talal was thrilled for me. “Now I just need a girlfriend and we can double date!” he had said excitedly.

As if he was reading my mind right now, he grinned at me and asked, “Are you still besotted?”

Besotted. That was a good word to describe how I felt. I was infatuated, intoxicated by Cole.“I’m very besotted,” I said.

“Are you seeing him again on your lunch break today?”

“I will be if Sharon gives me a lunch break.”

Speak of the devil and she will appear. The door opened behind us, and there Sharon stood. I thought we were about to get in trouble — even though I was sure we weren’t running late — but then I noticed the cigarette behind her ear. Everyone had their vices.

“Get back inside, you two,” she growled.

“Have a nice smoke,” I said.

Talal snorted.

 

***

 

Luckily, since I caught her on her secret smoke break, Sharon didn’t grumble too much about me leaving for lunch on time.

I was looking forward to seeing Cole. Really looking forward to it. I was glad it was a Wednesday, and he was working again. His Monday-Tuesday weekend meant we hadn’t seen each other since Sunday night. It wasn’t a long time in the scheme of things, but Cole was my solace during long work days. I seized any opportunity to spend time with him.

Agenda looked even brighter than it had the last time I was here. Seth and Zane had put up a tree, and the branches were dotted with an assortment of rainbow ornaments, some store-bought and some hand-made. The tinsel flags were breathtaking. They caught the glimmer of fairy lights from the tree and reflected them over the surfaces in the room like a holiday disco ball.

Seth was behind the counter, and he looked flustered. His face was pink with exertion, and his forehead creased in concern. There was a big queue today; MerryMart wasn’t the only place experiencing the holiday rush. I couldn’t spot Cole anywhere.

“Cole’s out right now,” said a voice from behind me that I couldn’t place immediately.

I spun around to see Topher sipping on a latte.

“Hi, Topher.”

He gestured for me to take a seat. I did as he asked, even though I was intimidated by being alone with him.

“How are you doing, Jimmy?”

“I’m good. Do you know where Cole is?”

“I have no idea.” Topher shrugged. “He got a phone call and ran away about an hour ago. Poor Seth has been handling orders on his own.”

“It must have been an important phone call.” I furrowed my brow. What could have dragged Cole away? My stomach churned. Was everything okay?

“Probably,” said Topher.

Seth caught my eye over the counter as I took a seat. “I’ll bring you the usual!” he yelled over at me.

I flashed him a thumbs-up.

“How’s being Santa Claus treating you?” asked Topher.

I scratched where my stringy plastic beard had been rubbing up against my face all day.

“I’ve been looking forward to this break all day,” I said. I peered around to see if Cole had shown up yet. He hadn’t. I glanced hopefully at the door when someone came in from the back, but it was only Zane. I waved at him.

“Are you missing your boyfriend?” Topher teased goodnaturedly. My face went hot. I still wasn’t used to actually having a boyfriend. Except… Where was that boyfriend?

Maybe I was paranoid, but Cole did have a history of suddenly up-and-ditching me. And we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days… Maybe he’d found some other guy. Maybe that was who was calling him. Maybe I was overreacting, but maybe I couldn't help it.

My stomach dropped with dread. The thought of losing Cole made me feel queasy, but I felt even worse about the fact that if we went through an awkward breakup, Jimmymas would be ruined. All of this — this friendship, this community — if Cole stopped wanting me, it would all be gone just like that.

I’d lived lonely before, but now that I’d had a taste of what they served here, I didn’t want to go back.

Zane took over taking orders, and Seth approached our table with a dish towel draped over his shoulder and a drink for me in his hand. “Hey, Jimmy! I suppose you’re looking for Cole.”

I braced myself for the bad news. Cole didn’t want to see me anymore. I must have done something wrong, although I didn’t know what.

“His parents called,” Seth went on. “It was a collect call from… New Caledonia, I think? He didn’t want to miss them. He told me to tell you sorry, and he’d make it up to you later. Then he winked, but I’m not going to do that.”

I took a sip of my coffee so I had a reason to keep my mouth shut. So Cole wasn’t ignoring me for no reason. That should have made me feel better, but instead, I felt worse. A familiar sting of jealousy bit at my chest. Cole was ignoring me for his parents because that’s what you did when you had parents. Who wanted you around for the holidays. I hated this jealousy, the way it made my blood churn angrily. It made me irrational and bitter.

“You can come around after you finish at MerryMart,” Seth continued. “I’m sure Cole will be done with his phone call by then.”

“I’m going to be tired after work.”

“Well, I gotta get back to work.” Seth clapped me on the shoulder. “I might see you later, Jimmy!”

Then it was just me and Topher again. He was scrutinizing me with darkly serious eyes as though he had x-ray vision.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“My boyfriend can’t meet me on my break.” I laughed a little too high pitched. “What sort of clingy loser would I be if that upset me?”

“I know that’s not what’s upsetting you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw your face when Seth mentioned Cole’s parents. I get it, believe me.”

I shrugged. “It’s just stupid jealousy.”

“It hurts me, too, you know. Seth as well. And Dean- Dean has it worse than any of us.”

I shot Topher a questioning glance, but he passed over the subject fleetingly.

“Sometimes,” he continued, “when you’re around other queer people with accepting families, it feels unfair.”

“You have a family, don’t you? Maya’s your cousin.”

“Maya and her parents — my aunt and uncle — are amazing. But sometimes I hate them all, because they love her even though she’s bi. And my parents don’t love me. Believe me, I understand resentment better than anyone. And I can recognize it, too.” He raised a pointed eyebrow at me.

“Maybe I resent him a little bit,” I conceded. It was nice to know my feelings weren’t as irrational as they seemed; my jealousy was normal and human.

“Christmas used to be a big thing for me,” said Topher. “It’s been twelve years since I spent the holidays with my family, but at this time of year, the memories are fresh. It sucks.”

“I thought you were Jewish?”

He shook his head. “Maya gets that from her mom’s side. Her dad is my sperm donor’s brother.”

“Oh.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” said Topher. “But you look so miserable, I want you to know that you can talk to me about this stuff if you want to.”

I swallowed. “How do you cope? How do you get through it, when everything reminds you of them? The smell of gingerbread, the decorations everywhere, the taste of eggnog-” I bit back a choke. I didn’t know why I was talking to Topher about this. I barely knew him. I supposed it was just because he cared enough to ask. I didn’t know him well, but I trusted he wouldn’t judge me.

“How long has it been since you were kicked out of home?” asked Topher.

I winced. “I don’t think I was technically kicked out or disowned properly. I just wasn’t allowed to stay at home unless I respected my parents’ beliefs. And their beliefs were that I shouldn’t exist. Leaving was still my choice.”

“That’s not a choice, Jimmy. They wouldn’t let you live there unless you were someone else.”

“I know, I-” I stopped myself. Why was I arguing? It was nice to hear someone validate me. “Thanks.”

“How long has it been?” Topher repeated.

“This will be my second Christm- my second Jimmymas on my own. I left home straight after getting my GED.”

Topher shook his head wryly. “You’re so young. No wonder you’re struggling. It takes time to get over things like that. But eventually, it stops hurting so much.”

“Does it stop completely?”

He shrugged. “Not for me. It could be different for you. I hope so.”

“I don’t think I love my parents anymore,” I said. “But I can’t stop thinking about them, especially this time of year.”

“I still love my family,” said Topher quietly. “I wish I could stop loving them, but… I keep hoping they’ll change their mind about me. I keep hoping they’ll send me a ‘Merry Christmas’ text or something and tell me they’re sorry. But they’re not sorry. And every year, I hope less and less, so the disappointment hurts less too.”

I sat in bitter silence with Topher. His feelings cut close to home. Hate was easy, but it couldn’t take away hurt.

“Sorry. I’m not doing a good job at cheering you up. I just want you to know, you’re definitely not alone feeling like this.”

“Thanks.” I checked the time. “Do you think Cole will be back soon?”

“I have no idea,” Topher said, smiling at me gently.

“I should get back to work then.” I knew Cole was talking to his parents, but he knew when my break was and when it ended. I peered around the room once again, but there was still no sign of him. Stupid Cole and his stupid, loving family.