Chapter Five

Jimmy

 

I wasn’t sure if I’d ever been on a date before.

In high school, dates (with girls) were those things I told my parents I was going on when I was actually dry humping in the back of my much older kind-of-boyfriend’s car. I had a feeling those hadn’t counted as dates at all, and since high school, I hadn’t bothered trying.

This afternoon, that was going to change. I had no idea what was going to happen with Cole, but I assumed — and hoped — there would be at least some dry humping at the end of this date too.

My self-inflicted dry spell was driving me up the wall. I was far from the jolly, festive person I pretended to be at work. I avoided people during this time of the year. I didn’t want to bring anyone down this holiday season. But when Cole asked me out, how could I turn him down?

Out of all the guys I’d fucked, Cole was the only one who managed to occupy my thoughts like this. If any of my other flings ghosted on me and asked me out on a real date a year later, I’d have said thanks but no thanks. Cole was different.

I scrutinized my hair in the mirror. No amount of wax or spray could keep my hair in check. Dark hair spiraled down my neck in shaggy curls. The only way to get I would ever get my hair under control would be by shaving my head. If I did that, my face would look like a lumpy egg.

It wasn’t like this was a blind date, I reminded myself. Cole had seen my ridiculous hair before.

When I finally left the bathroom, I found Brian standing in the kitchen, staring into a steaming pot on top of the stove.

“Are you trying to see your future in that ramen?” I asked.

Brian snorted and looked at me. “You’re dressed up. Hot date?”

“Uh. Yeah.”

“It’s about time you got some pussy.” Brian made an obscene gesture with his tongue between his fingers.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I edgily shifted from foot to foot. “I don’t want to be late,” I said. “I’ll see you later.”

 

***

 

I reached the mall about five minutes before Cole and I were supposed to meet. Luckily, it looked like I wasn’t the only one with bad time management. I spotted him through the window of a coffee shop near the entrance of the mall, staring at his phone and sipping from an oversized white mug.

I took a deep breath and paused to look at him before I went inside. He was as handsome as ever, his posture impeccable, spine as straight as he was gay. He had a scarf loose around his neck, and a slouch beanie draped carefully on his styled hair. That trademark smile of his played on his lips, and even though it wasn’t aimed at me, it warmed me like hot cocoa on a frozen day.

Despite all my trysts with punk rockers, businessmen, gym rats with biceps the size of my head, and closeted preps, no-one compared to Cole. If you put every man I’d ever fucked in one room and asked me to pick the most attractive, it would have been Cole in a second. It wasn’t just his looks; it was his aura. The air around him crackled with comforting energy.

I took an anxious breath of chilled air. The weather report had suggested we might get snow tonight, but it hadn’t hit yet, although dark clouds loomed heavy in the sky.

I met Cole’s eyes through the window, and his smile widened. This time his smile was for me, and it took my breath away. Cole’s smile had been the first thing I noticed about him — not his soft lips or straight teeth but the light in his eyes. When Cole smiled, it was almost impossible not to smile back.

I lifted my hand in a small wave and made my way through the front door to meet Cole at his table. Heat flooded over me as I stepped inside. I could have pretended to myself that it was just the warmth of the coffeehouse, but I knew I was burning from the inside out. Seeing Cole made even the butterflies in my stomach blush.

I straightened my spine so I didn’t hunch, as I was prone to doing. I smiled. My facsimile of confidence was transparent.

“Hi,” said Cole. When our eyes met, I was glad there was a chair right next to me. My knees buckled.

“Hi.”

Despite all the times Cole and I had seen each other naked, it was hard to think of what to say now that I was in front of him. With Cole, I felt a lot more awkward under three layers of winter clothes than I did when I was butt naked.

“The coffee here is nowhere as good as the coffee at Agenda,” said Cole, “but their gingerbread lattes are delicious. Do you want me to get you one?”

“I can get it myself, it’s no problem.”

“I asked you out, remember? Let me be a gentleman.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but what came out was a shy, “If you insist.”

“I do.” There was that smile again, although it was even brighter now, and I was close enough to him to see that heart-melting twinkle in his hazel eyes. Looking at him, it was hard for me not to smile as well, and I had to duck my head so he didn’t see me.

“I can go up to the counter and order it for you now,” said Cole. “If you want?”

“Okay,” I said. It was hard to come up with words to say. I wanted desperately to impress him, but how? I didn’t even know why he’d asked me out in the first place. What had changed? Was he trying to make things up to me so we could start fucking again? Or was he interested in a real relationship?

These were pressing questions, but I knew that no matter how deeply I breathed or how much confidence I faked, I wouldn’t be able to spit them out. Cole could take the lead.

There was a queue at the counter while Cole waited to order me a gingerbread latte. I had valuable time to compose myself.

At this time of year, everything reminded me of Christmas. That was depressing enough (thanks to dear old mom and dad), but since I started my Santa job, Christmas reminded me of work as well. Double shitsville in the feelings department.

The Christmas tree in the corner of the room was covered in the baubles that we sold right next to Santa’s Grotto at MerryMart. The ornaments on every table were a reminder that everyone except me was celebrating. I poked the bobble-headed reindeer in front of me and made him dance.

The worst part of these feelings was that, despite my protests, I secretly wished I could join in with the celebrations. What must it be like to enjoy the holiday season?

I didn’t know why I bothered to come here today. I was just going to make Cole depressed, and for what? Connections with people were hard to make, and they never lasted.

Still, I was here.

And when Cole finally returned to our table and smiled at me, I knew exactly why. “Your drink is coming soon,” he said.

Why did first dates have to be so awkward? I searched for something to say. “You look great today.”

“You look very cute yourself.”

My heart somersaulted nearly out my throat. “Thank you,” I said, finally unable to stop the smile that crossed my face.

Cole pressed his soft-as-silk lips over the rim of his cup and took a sip of his latte. I watched intently.

When he put his cup down with a clink, gingerbread foam still clung to the stubble on his top lip. I wished I could reach out and wipe it away, get a touch of his skin. Better yet, I wished I could dive over the table and kiss it away, get a taste of him.

But before I could tell Cole there was milk on his face, his tongue darted out to slowly lick his lips clean. I knew what else that mouth could do, and it stirred me with arousal. My heart thudded like a drum.

“How’s Freddie?” Cole asked.

I tore my eyes back up to meet his. “You remember the name of my guitar?”

“Of course.”

I wished my drink would show up so that I had a mug to hide my face behind. Cole slept around a lot. The fact that he remembered details about my life in particular made me feel giddy. Maybe I’d meant something to him after all?

“Freddie’s doing well,” I said. “But I haven’t been playing much.”

“What’s wrong?” He looked concerned.

“Work stuff.” I shrugged. “I’m so tired every time I get home that I don’t have the energy to think about music.”

I wasn’t a serious musician by any stretch of the imagination. Guitar was a hobby for me, but it kept me grounded and sane when life got hard. That said, it took some effort, and I didn’t have the capacity for effort lately.

“How much are you working at the moment?” Cole asked.

“This is my first day off in ten days. But it’s okay, really. I get paid decently.”

“Ten days?” Cole exhaled in a sharp whistle. “I’m glad you could make it out with me on your precious time off. Actually, I’m flattered.”

Damn it. I’d played my hand. Now Cole knew how much I wanted to see him.

Before I got the chance to defend myself, a barista came to our table with a gingerbread latte for me. Cole had made a good decision. It was like drinking a fresh-baked cookie.

Before he had the chance to be sweet and attentive again, I turned the conversation back to him. “How long have you been working at Agenda for?”

“A couple of months,” said Cole. “It’s my first job. I got it as a part-time gig — you know how bad my student loans are.”

“Ah, that’s why it’s helpful to be a burnout like me. No debt.”

“Not even medical debt?” Cole raised his

“I’ve never needed it.” I chuckled. “I’m as healthy as a horse.”

Cole paused as though deep in thought. “Are horses usually healthy?” he asked at last.

“Not really,” I said. “Their digestive systems are a mess.”

Cole raised an eyebrow. “I never knew you were familiar with horse digestive systems.”

“My dad used to own a racehorse. He died of colic.”

“Your dad or the racehorse?” His lips quirked to the side in an impish smile.

“Unfortunately, it was the horse.” The words were harsher than I’d intended, but I hadn’t been able to stop myself from spitting them out. My resentment towards my family was strong, and particularly bitter right now. “Sorry, that’s a bit heavy for a first date, isn’t it?” Shit. We hadn’t called this a date before now. This coffee break was probably just a prelude to no-strings-attached sex.

“Well, I’ve known you for a while.”

Had he? He knew my body, and maybe we’d had a couple of heart-to-hearts during our fling. I remembered a few conversations about our plans and hopes and fears for the future. Maybe I’d spilled my guts about my family too. But Cole didn’t know me nearly as well as he knew my cock.

“Neither of us came here for therapy, did we?” I said.

“Good point. Do you have plans for the holiday season?”

I knew that smalltalk would come to this. It was an inevitable question that I despised. “I’m working up until Christmas Day,” I said. “What about you?”

“I’m working too,” said Cole. His handsome face clouded.

“What happened?” I said, wincing in sympathy. “I thought you had a good relationship with your family.”

“No, I do. It’s not like my parents disowned me or anything. They’re on a cruise through the southern hemisphere, avoiding winter.”

I loved winter. Even though the cold could be uncomfortable, that bite of frost made the air taste fresher. It energized me. I loved watching snowflakes catch in the glow of street lamps and float softly to the ground. We didn’t often get snow in Portland, but when we did, it was magic. This should have been my favorite time of year.

“Christmas on your own is pretty fun,” I said. “Last year, I got myself a ton of junk food and vegged out on the couch to watch a Die Hard marathon.”

“As fun as that sounds, I have plans.”

“Oh.” It figured Cole wouldn’t be lonely on Christmas. Someone had to invite a guy like that in from the cold. He was too endearing to stay alone.

“Agenda is doing an Orphan’s Christmas.” He frowned. “Or an Orphan’s Holiday, I guess. You should come.”

“What’s an Orphan’s Christmas?” I asked.

“It’s what you do when you’ve got no family to go to during the holidays. The guys at Agenda - we - want to make sure there’s somewhere for everyone to go on Christmas day. There's too much homelessness and abandonment in the community, you know.”

“That’s cute,” I said.

“You should come along,” urged Cole.

I wasn’t sure how awkward things were going to be between us by that point, and besides, I’d given up on the spirit of the season a long time ago. I was inclined to reject Cole’s offer. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“I prefer to spend the 25th of December wallowing.”

He frowned. “Wouldn’t you be happier if you didn’t wallow?”

“It’s an indulgence.” I laughed. “I like being alone for the holidays.” I’d always been solitary, there was no reason for that to change now.

“You should think about it,” said Cole. “It’s gonna be a lot of fun.”

“I’m sure it will be great, but it’s not for me.”

“You’d really rather sit on your own with junk food and action movies than hang out with a bunch of cool queer friends?”

I found myself chewing my bottom lip as I considered it. Of course I wouldn’t prefer being lonely on Christmas, but it was a tradition. “Christmas is my birthday,” I confessed. “So it’s complicated.”

Cole choked on a sip of his gingerbread latte. “You were born on Christmas Day?”

“Just call me Jesus.”

“Why didn’t I know that?”

“It never came up. I don’t know your birthday either.”

“My birthday is the fifteenth of February. I’m an Aquarius. But if Christmas is your birthday, then you have to come to Agenda.” His eyes were wide, a mixture of pleading and excited. “We can do something for you.”

“You’re the only person there who knows me.”

“No, I’m not. Maya said she met you last Sunday.”

“Maya? Maya who loudly fucked my roommate all last Saturday night?”

“Yeah, that Maya!”

She had mentioned that she was friends with the owners of Agenda. It figured she knew Cole as well.

“It’s a small world,” I mused.

“So there are at least two people there who want to celebrate your birthday!”

“I know I haven’t celebrated my birthday much, but I’m pretty sure you don’t usually spend it with your roommate’s one-night-stand.” Even if your roommate had a very cool one-night-stand.

“Just think about coming, okay?”

I opened my mouth to make a dirty joke, but he cut me off before I could. “Yes, I know how that sounded. But you know what I mean.” 

“No one ever celebrates my birthday. I’ve learned not to care about it.” I shook my head. “Sorry, that came out way more angsty than I meant. Seriously, it’s fine. December 25th is just another day for me. It always has been, since before my family… You know.”

I didn’t like the way that pity crept through Cole’s eyes and into his smile.

“So you’re an Aquarius, huh?” I changed the subject. “I’m a Capricorn.”

“Wow, this really is a first date.” Cole smiled lightly, clearly picking up the hint that any subject that veered close to my parents needed to be changed. “Next thing you know, we’ll be telling each other how much we like long walks on the beach.”

 

***

 

After our gingerbread lattes, Cole dragged me to the center of the mall where an ice skating rink had been installed. I stared, horrified, at the frozen surface and all the happy, laughing groups gliding around on it.

“Hell no,” I said.

“Hell yes,” said Cole.

“I can’t skate.”

“Neither can I. That’s what’s going to make this so fun!”

His excitement was contagious. That was one of the things I had always liked about Cole. Everything he did, he did with maximum enthusiasm (and yes, that applied to blowjobs).

The rink was just as loud and crowded as the mall around it, and people were laughing so loudly around us that it almost drowned out the Christmas songs. How many times could someone listen to Deck the Halls before their brain exploded? Because I was getting close.

But when I was with Cole, Christmas music made my head want to explode a little less. All my senses were preoccupied with his presence. His laugh lit me up, and every time he got close to me, my nostrils filled with his sandalwood cologne. I remembered that smell from all those times my lips had nuzzled at his throat; I remembered breathing it in deeply, intoxicated by it.

After we rented our skates for the next hour, Cole tugged me toward the rink. My blood ran as cold as the ice in front of me. Several small children were doing tricks I couldn’t fathom, and other adults were zooming around faster than I could run. All on perilous, rock-hard ice.

Luckily, there was a handrail on the side of the rink. I had a feeling that handrail would become a close friend.

Cole eased onto the ice first. He was as wobbly as me, but he laughed as he gripped onto the handrail for support.

“Come on, Jimmy,” he said.

If I focussed on Cole, it was easier to let go of my fear. I eased forward.

And immediately lost my balance.

My feet escaped from under me the moment my skates met the glassy ground. I collapsed against the safety bar, slamming my funny bone against the wall on my way down. Pain throbbed through my arm.

“How does anyone do this?” I yelped.

Cole shuffled toward me in short, careful motions. “I think we’re supposed to glide.”

“I’m trying to glide.” I leaned my weight forward, and my feet slipped out from under me again. I caught myself with the rail again, even less gracefully. Now I was dangling in a half-crouch from the rail, ass nearly on the ground.

“Let me help you up.” Cole extended his grey-gloved hand to me.

Despite the layers of fabric between our fingers, warmth from his touch flooded through me. I had done a lot of things with Cole before, but this was the first time we’d ever held hands.

We both clung to the rail with our spare hands as we struggled as a team to get me upright. His good-natured laughter about the situation was infectious, and by the time I stood up properly, I was starting to smile too.

“Okay, now step forward, and then let yourself glide along the ice,” he said. “I think that’s how it works, anyway.”

“How?” I asked.

“Watch me.”

I held onto the bar next to me for dear life as I watched Cole. He shuffled forward. One foot, then another, then back to the first foot. Once he’d gotten some momentum going, he put his feet together and slid almost-gracefully across the ice, away from the rail.

God, he looked beautiful like this, bundled up in layers like a present I couldn’t wait to unwrap. His eyes were bright and his cheeks were flushed as he grinned at me. “And then, I think you start shifting your weight from leg to leg to keep going, and-”

He slammed back, onto the ground, landing hard on his ass. For a second I worried he was hurt, but then I saw that his smile had only widened.

“Or maybe that’s not what you do?” I suggested wryly.

He smirked. “If you could try it anyway, and uh, come over here to help me up, that would be great.”

“You’re better than me,” I reminded him. I was still hanging onto the rail, no more than two feet into the rink. I wasn’t sure I’d be much good at helping him up.

“Please?” He pouted.

“How can I say no to that face?”

I marched cautiously forward on the ice, one foot in front of the other, taking small steps until physics took over. I glided in a straight line over to Cole. A smile stretched my lips apart. This was actually fun.

“I did it!” I exclaimed.

“Good job,” said Cole. “Now, help me up.” He put his hand out.

As I leaned over to grab his hand, I accidentally put my weight backward, and before I knew what was happening, I was falling too. My tailbone collided with the ground in a sharp thud. The impact reverberated through the rest of my body, even making my teeth slam together.

“I’m sorry! I told you I wouldn’t be much help-”

Cole put a finger on my lips to shut me up. “I can think of worse things than going for a tumble with you.”

I blushed deeply as he pulled his hand back. I knew that we must have looked silly — two grown men sitting on our butts in an ice rink — but as I looked at his pink nose and flushed cheeks, and as I met the sparkle in his eyes, I couldn’t have cared less.

A sympathetic-looking teenager skated up next to us, breaking me out of my reverie.

“Do you guys want a hand?” she asked. She couldn’t have been older than sixteen, and she was clearly fighting a smile, but from the way she spun and slid gracefully over the ice, she was exactly who we needed a hand from.

“We’re new to this,” said Cole sheepishly.

“I can see that.”

She helped us to our feet, and taking pity on us, gave us a small skating lesson. It was significantly better than Cole’s skating lesson, on account of her actually knowing what she was doing. By the end of it, we were able to wobble semi-confidently across the ice.

“I have to go,” she said, tossing her head to the side. “My friends are over there. Have fun on your date!”

“We will,” said Cole. “Have fun with your friends.”

I went scarlet. Were we that obvious?

After the girl left, I was alone with Cole again. My heart pounded like a jackhammer. He took my hand so that we could steady each other across the ice.

“I don’t know much about dates,” I said, voice shaking with nerves, “but I think this one is fun already, right?”

The corner of Cole’s lips tugged up. “Very fun.”

We didn’t even have to use the safety rail anymore. Although our legs were shaky, we could take turns holding each other up when the other faltered. The proximity of my body to his made me glad I was wearing so many layers so he couldn’t see how sweaty my pits were getting.

The main thing that got my blood pumping, though, was the sensation of his hand in mine, burning me through our gloves. I was lucky I had to focus so much on skating, or I would have spent the whole time staring at him. How did any man have the right to be that handsome? Christmas lights highlighted his cheekbones and glittered off his adrenaline-blown eyes.

I got distracted for a moment, looking at his face, and my feet slid out from under me. Cole acted fast. He caught me by the waist, and my arms shot out to grab his shoulders for support.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his face just inches from mine.

I wasn’t okay, but it had nothing to do with my near fall. Cole had caught me in an embrace. His grasp on my waist was firm and tender. My grip on his shoulders was desperate and vulnerable.

To any observer, it must have looked like we were about to kiss. All I’d have to do was stretch slightly up, or he could lean slightly down, and our lips would touch. The urge to give in to my instincts was overwhelming, especially when Cole smiled at me.

But any shift of weight could give gravity the upper hand, and I’d land flat on my back.

“What do we do now?” I asked breathlessly. My thighs were starting to burn from holding my weight.

“Hold on,” he said. His mint-fresh breath was soft and warm on my face. This close, his deep eyes looked even brighter. Gold and brown flecks swept through the green of his irises like stars. He took my breath away. I was about to say fuck gravity and kiss him anyway when he tentatively changed position to help me up.

His movements were small and careful. He kept me cradled in his arms so I didn’t fall as he slowly straightened up. Cole mightn’t have been good at skating, but I was leagues behind him. I tried to move where he guided me.

All this close proximity, all these touches… They were pure torture. There were too many clothes between me and Cole. We were close, but we weren’t as close as I wanted to be. To put it bluntly, I’d rather be balls deep in him.

When I was upright again, the moment was over, and I’d lost my courage. I couldn’t kiss him now. Hopefully, I’d get another chance by the end of the night.

It wasn’t until we left the rink and I took my skates off that I realized how much my legs were aching. Walking was a little funny after so long on the ice. Maybe I’d lost my ability to balance entirely. Cole muddled my mind to mush.

By the time we made it back to the coffee shop for more gingerbread lattes, the conversation was flowing between us. It was already dark when we decided to head home. We’d been hanging out for well over three hours, and I wasn’t close to bored yet. If real dates were all like this, I’d been missing out. But I was getting impatient for it to head to the bedroom.

“I should head home,” sighed Cole at last.

“I’ll walk you,” I said. Walking Cole home meant we wouldn’t end up at my place. Better to keep Brian oblivious to my sex life, lest it cause unnecessary drama.

“Are you sure? It’s a twenty-minute walk.”

“That’s twenty more minutes I get to spend with you.” Oh my god, had I really just said that? How cringy was that? I wished the earth would swallow me up, but Cole just looked at me curiously.

“How can I say no to that?” he said.

It was snowing by the time we finally stepped outside, and the crowd on the sidewalk had thinned. Most stores had closed up for the night already, and Christmas shoppers had driven off or been whisked away by public transport. It was only the walkers — the broke and the romantic — who stayed outside in the cold.

Breath misted out of our mouths and mingled like a cloud in front of us. I considered reaching out to take Cole’s hand, like in the rink, but I was too nervous to make the first move. I kept my hands deeply thrust in my pockets.

“Are you still at school?” I asked.

“For now. Is it dumb that I actually prefer being a barista to studying?”

“Why would that be dumb? It’s not like I’m a stay-in-school poster boy.”

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“How?”

“Because you’re... You know.”

“I don’t know.” At all.

“You’re all edgy and cool and stuff.”

“I’m edgy and cool?” That was the first time I’d heard that. I thought I was angsty and withdrawn.

“Hell yeah.”

“Well, you’re charming and charismatic. That’s way better.”

He caught my eyes and smiled warmly. “Do I charm you, Jimmy?”

My heart did a somersault. My breath caught in my throat. “Yes,” I said honestly.

For a moment I thought he was going to stop and kiss me, but we kept walking. Cars zoomed along the road beside us, the colors of their lights almost festive against the backdrop of falling snow.

A truck zoomed past, and a dirty slush of old rainwater and new snowflakes crashed onto the pavement right in front of me.

Cole pulled me away, and I collapsed into him. We were just about the same height, so his lips landed right next to my ear. His breath was hot on my neck and the gust of it against my earlobe shivered arousal through every nerve in my body.

“My place is just up there,” he said. He pointed at a small, concrete apartment building with tattered curtains in the windows and a few sad strands of tinsel hanging here and there. “Thanks for walking me home.”

We stayed still on the sidewalk for a while, neither of us moving or saying anything. The promise of a real physical connection was so close that I could almost taste his cock on my tongue already.

“Do I get a goodnight kiss?” he asked.

I nodded, wetting my lips in anticipation, but before I had time to prepare myself, Cole was seizing me and pushing his lips into mine. His kiss was wild, passionate. I’d forgotten how good he was at kissing me. I moaned and pulled him in closer. His nose was cold against my cheeks, but his lips were warm and wanting. He seized me by the lapels on my coat while I grabbed him around his lower waist, pulling him in so that his crotch was pressed into mine. He let out a gasp, and he rocked into me. Sure, we might have been practically dry humping in the street, but this kiss was so good I couldn’t break it, not even for the moment it would take to go inside and get naked.

Just as suddenly as he’d started the kiss, Cole pulled away. “Well, goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight?” I repeated.

“Yeah,” he said. He pressed another kiss to my cheek, this one more chaste, but no less intimate. “I had a great time. I’ll call you.”

“Okay?”

If he noted my confusion, he didn’t pay attention. He waved cheerily at me and walked upstairs to the entrance of the apartment complex. I stared after him in shock. Why the hell hadn’t he invited me in?

I thought our date had been wonderful. I thought it had been perfect. That kiss? That had made me sure of it.

But I must have been wrong. This must have been an entirely different date for him. Otherwise, our night wouldn’t have ended out here. It wasn’t like sex was unfamiliar territory for us.

I headed home, confused, lonely, and horny as hell.