Jumping the Start – This is when a driver anticipates the start (green flag) too early.
I never imagined that the day Jameson spent outside in the sprint car shop that he would have the inclination that his car had been tampered with. But Jameson is a lot smarter than most give him credit for.
The morning all hell broke loose was the day we were set to have our JAR Racing and Riley-Simplex Racing dinner. Alley had decided it was a good way to show our respect for everyone who stood behind us throughout the recovery. Jameson agreed.
Everything had been arranged and even Nancy got into the event planning of it. Honestly, it truly felt like our family was doing better. We were pulling together. Things were coming along and Jameson was recovering. He was in his final week of physical therapy and soon he would be taking his clearance exams with NASCAR.
So that morning, I stopped by the shop before heading to the banquet hall to help prepare. Easton was there, which wasn’t unusual because he was working with Jameson a lot and his sprint car team. Since the accident, he and Arie had been spending a lot of time together too since Arie and Lexi had been helping Alley so often.
Standing next to Arie, Easton smiled when he saw me. His eye swollen and his lip bleeding from what appeared to be a fist fight. The shop was a disaster. Tools, parts and boxes were scattered everywhere with a bat lying in the middle of the floor. The door to Jameson’s office was closed, broken blinds half on the door.
That was when I knew that he either knew about Grady, or something else happened.
Arie shrugged and handed Easton an ice pack which he immediately placed against his swollen eye.
I was almost afraid to go into the office but I did. He was in there, sitting in his office chair staring at the wall. In deep concentration, Jameson bit the corner of his bottom lip with his hands fumbling with a wrench. It was a strange familiar sight.
“How did you find out?”
“I’m not stupid,” he said slowly speaking the truth of a weight too big to carry. “I saw the car the day of his funeral.”
An unnerving quiet spread over the office, his callous eyes met mine.
My throat hurt from constraining tears so often these days. “When did you find out?”
“Van told me a few nights before Jimi’s funeral,” I explained. “I told him not to say anything until afterward.”
He nodded his face expressionless but his eyes told his story. “I’m not upset with you.”
“We didn’t mean to keep it from you.”
Again, he nodded. “I know.”
Willie came inside the office, well not actually. He stuck his head inside. “Hey, man, uh ...” he seemed to dance around what he wanted to say before Jameson interrupted.
“Get in here, Willie.” He wasn’t asking, he was demanding.
“I, uh... we... meant to tell you. I swear.”
“Don’t bullshit me right now Willie. Who is he?”
“Are you—?”
Jameson cut him off. “If you know what’s good for you, you will tell me the fucking truth right now.”
“He’s Darrin’s son.”
Jameson’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes immediately darkened and looked at me, the guilt still heavy and oppressing in his tone. “Did you know about this?”
I nodded. There was no sense in denying it now. Perhaps it was wrong of us but we had our reasoning.
“Tell Arie to come in here.”
Once the door opened, Willie shot out knowing he didn’t want any more of the verbal lashing. I motioned with a nod for Arie who was still standing near Easton. His head bent forward with his arms crossed over his chest never moving when Arie stepped away.
Arie closed the door behind her but said nothing.
“What happened between you and Easton?” Jameson asked her but kept his eyes on the wrench in his hands, his body relaxed as he slouched in his chair.
“Nothing happened with me and Easton.”
“Then why was he fighting with Grady this morning?” Jameson looked at her as if he knew she was lying and that only pissed him off.
“Please don’t go crazy, dad. If I tell you the truth, you have to keep calm.”
“Tell me.” He demanded dropping his gaze to the wrench again. I stood there trying to follow everything that happened this morning and, without a doubt, I was confused.
“I had been hanging out at the shop a lot trying to help the guys and get the merchandise trailers loaded. That’s when Grady started talking to me. We went out for lunch one afternoon and kind of got to be friends. I told him I wasn’t ready for dating or anything like that so we stayed talking but he said that he wanted more. So I stopped hanging out with him. Then one night, right before Thanksgiving, we went to a movie. Grady told me that if I didn’t...” tears streamed down her cheeks, she swallowed over her tears trying to hold back. I moved to comfort her. She let me for once and then quickly swiped the tears aside straightening her shoulders as if to say she wasn’t going to breakdown. “Grady told me he would do something to your car if I didn’t sleep with him. So I did. We, uh... ” Arie let out a frustrated sigh looking so much like her father in that moment. “Just like every other lying bastard I seem to get wrapped up in he used me and did it anyway. So, yeah,” her voice rose with each word. “I got more shit to deal with. I, once again, gave myself to a sack of shit and he destroyed my family because he could. He knew all along that he could use me and he did.” Embarrassed, Arie looked at Jameson. “That night before the race, I know you saw our interactions together and I’m sorry I lied to you. I just couldn’t take seeing the look on your face that you have right now.” Her voice lowered. “The look that says you’re once again disappointed in me.”
“It wasn’t up to you to take care of things,” Jameson told Arie. She bowed her head as if she was completely ashamed of herself. “I don’t want you to ever get involved again. Understand?”
Arie nodded, nearing tears again, she began to walk away when Jameson called out to her. “I’m not finished, Arie.”
I gasped at his tone, sharp like a razor but dull, too. I had never heard him so angry with our kids. Fear of the outburst I saw coming pricked my skin and I wanted to comfort her and tell him to take it easy on her.
She stopped, weary, but didn’t turn around. Her hair fell over her shoulders blocking my view of her face. I looked at Jameson trying to tell him to stop and to take it easy on her but he looked right through me.
“Next time come to me before you go making deals with my employees. It’s not your place to get involved and I don’t want to hear about my daughter giving herself to men for the sake of my safety ever again. I mean it, Arie, I better not hear of something like this again.”
Jameson’s eyes dropped to his desk and the door slammed behind Arie.
“What happened out there?” I asked moving to sit on his desk.
He wouldn’t look at me as he stood, his stare directed at the floor. “Take Arie home.”
“Jameson?” I tried to reach for him but he threw his hand up away from my grasp. “I will see you tonight. Please take Arie home,” he repeated.
I waited a few minutes inside the office noticing the broken glass from the picture from realizing that he must have thrown a few things. It was one of the JAR Racing crew, Grady included.
Taking a deep breath, I was determined to get through to him and get over this.
When you think about it, for most of us, our intentions are usually pure. We want to do the right thing. Arie wanted to do the right thing. But still, we, as any human, push boundaries set between us and others to get what we want or to justify the bad we’ve done into the good we intended to do.
But, unfortunately, there are these things called limits. And we were finding out the significances behind those now. Grabbing my mocha beside me, I pushed myself from my thoughts and made my way back into the shop.
“I don’t give a shit!” Jameson yelled over his shoulder before the door slammed shut.
I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but it seemed the boys did. Spencer, Aiden, Tommy, Willie and even Casten, were here now, all gathered in the shop.
“That went super.” Tommy laughed from his place on the floor.
“Get up lazy!” I kicked his thigh. “You were absolutely no help with controlling him.”
Tommy rolled to his side and then got up. “Excuse me, but he shoved me today. No fucking way I was helping out with that argument.”
“Why did he leave?” I asked looking to any of them for an answer. Arie moved to stand next to me, ready to go I assumed.
“Apparently Grady is planning on confronting Jameson before the dinner.”
“Is he really that stupid?”
“Yes,” Arie said sarcastically and then looked at the floor. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
Willie and Tommy looked at each other curiously. I decided it was time to leave. I took Arie with me as we headed to the banquet hall.
“I’m sorry, mom,” she said when we pulled into the parking lot. “It’s like I don’t think sometimes and go with an impulse.”
Shutting the truck off, I looked over at her tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Baby, please don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix things by having sex with boys. It doesn’t work. I tried and it got me nowhere.”
“Did you have sex before dad?”
“Yes, with a few people. My first time was in the back of my truck.” I admitted with a good amount of shame remembering the feeling that I had knowing that I was used by Dylan and distinctly recalling the bruises I had received, too. “I know what you’re feeling.”
The biggest question was did I honestly know what she was feeling right now?
No. I didn’t. I didn’t because, for one, she gave herself to a boy again and that boy tried to kill her dad. No one could understand what she was feeling any more than they could understand what Nancy or Jameson were feeling. Guilt, resentment, hatred and sadness were all justifiable emotions.
“Did you and Dad... well,” her face flushed with pink, her eyes falling to her phone in her hands, “did you get together before?”
“Before marriage?”
“No, like in high school?” she clarified.
Was this appropriate? I thought to myself looking around for Alley. She usually helped me through these conversations with Arie since she had usually already had them with Lexi.
“Your dad and I were best friends when we were growing up and, yes, we did do things when we were younger but we never had sex until we were twenty-three.”
“Did you always know that you wanted to be with him?”
What was this? I felt like I was back at Planned Parenthood being questioned when I went there to get condoms when I was seventeen.
“Now that I think about it, I was attracted to him from the very beginning. But with Jameson, he was so dedicated to racing that anything we had together was a distraction. After years of ignoring it, we finally gave in.” I laughed and motioned around the car to her. “Obviously.”
Arie thought for a moment and then smiled. “Easton asked me on a date.”
I couldn’t believe it. Even with everything going on between Jameson and Grady and all the shit surrounding this clusterfuck, my daughter was confiding in me. And, to top it off, a good guy was interested in her.
I leaned over and kissed the side of her head. “He seems like a good kid, sweetie.”
Emma was pounding on my window so our mother-daughter-moment was up. Rolling down the window just a smidge, I stuck the straw to my coffee out the window allowing Emma to take a drink. She did and we both laughed.
“Do you ever find your aunt annoying?” I asked Arie glaring at Emma through the glass. She stuck her tongue out but smiled.
“I find my entire family annoying at times.” My glare shifted to Arie. “But... I love you guys. I just don’t like you sometimes.”
“Wow, you are so much like your father it’s scary.”
“Come on,” Arie opened the door. “Let’s go put together a disaster.”
A disaster it would be if Grady showed up. Charges hadn’t been filed against Grady yet because we hadn’t done so. Phillip, our attorney, was working on it. Until then, Van and Clint kept a close eye on him. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop him from showing up tonight.
The entire time we were setting everything up my mind wouldn’t settle, racing through everything that happened this morning with Arie and Jameson and the entire Grady situation. Jimi’s conversation rang through me, him not trusting Grady and not acting sooner led us here. The pain brought the prospect that once again, I was watching from a distance as my husband fell apart.
My other problem was that Arie had been involved. You try so hard to protect your children whether it was breastfeeding or formula, what preschool to send them to, what kindergarten, and all the way up to when they were teenagers and who their friends were.
Are those friends responsible?
Will they make good decisions?
Will they be able to see their dreams come true?
So much of our lives are unpredictable and frightening. I certainly didn’t know what the next left turn would be or how we would handle things after the next caution flag. It was a gamble. One that scared the shit out of me.
After everything that happened, you usually wanted to show your family you loved them, maybe hug them a little tighter when we learn of tragedy.
My answer? Always do that.
Always tell them you love them.
Always make the best of it. Someday you won’t have the option.
No one crossed Jameson. And honestly, it wasn’t because of his temper but out of respect for him. In the sprint car world, NASCAR, and racing, in general, he was highly respected. And the fact that he trusted Grady only to find out that he used Jameson was the lowest appreciation for respecting him.
I called Jameson several times. All my calls went to voicemail. I called Tommy, he hadn’t seen him. I called Willie, he hadn’t seen him and finally, I called Van and Clint. No one had seen him.
I was one worried Mama Wizard by the time the teams began to show up. We had family, the Cup team, nearly everyone from Riley-Simplex Racing and both the road crew and the guys back at the shop. JAR Racing was here; even the guys that drove the trucks and who we rarely saw. Andrea made it over. It was the first time I had seen Macy, Andrea and Van’s daughter, in about a year. Logan and Lucas came. Most everyone we knew was gathered for us to show them how much we appreciated them in our time of need.
Casten came inside with Nancy when I was greeting a few of the representatives of Solar Seals. Grabbing me by the arm, Casten dragged me away with a smile to where Spencer and Aiden were standing.
“We have a problem,” were his words to me followed by a grin and then an eye roll. “Shit’s about to hit the fan, mama.”
“I think the shit hit the fan a long time ago.” I reached out and snatched a beer from someone’s table not caring who had been drinking it. Following the boys outside, I downed that beer in all of two seconds.
Casten looked at me when I burped, amused. “Careful there, it’s still early.”
Outside, I had a feeling that Arie must have come clean to Easton because when Grady appeared in the shadows of the parking lot, Easton Levi was the first one in his face.
It made me proud that Easton felt the need to defend Arie and I think Jameson felt the same way as I saw him, still in the shadows, leaned against the side of the building, dressed in his tux. For a moment, I was caught off guard by how beautiful and downright sexy he looked.
He had the mysterious edge by keeping his distance but you knew the fire inside was still there. Much like the photographs I loved so much, his head was bent forward, the growth of his hair, finally showing, blended in with his jaw line. His hands were buried in his pockets with his cane beside him.
The boisterous surroundings caught my attention and drew me to the crowd around Grady.
Easton had the upper hand but I had a feeling that Grady also knew he deserved it and got what he had coming to him. Spencer and Aiden separated them quickly before anyone got in trouble but Easton wasn’t happy and kept trying to get at him.
Apparently his licks he gave at the shop weren’t enough.
“You son of a bitch!” he screamed at Grady pointing his finger at him as he tried to basically climb over Spencer to get back at him. “She’s seventeen! Seventeen, asshole! How could you fucking do that?”
“That’s enough, Easton.” Jameson’s voice, calm but threatening, came from behind the crowd as he stepped from the darkness, his left hand remained in his pocket, his right dragging his cane. He stopped beside me. His lashes danced shadows over his cheeks as he slowly blinked and his eyes remained focused on the ground as he handed me his cane. With a limp, he moved to stand beside Spencer.
Alley and Emma came outside to see why we had left so quickly. “What’s going—” Alley came to a stop and looked at the boys. “Ah, shit.”
“Pretty much,” was my response. “Where’s Nancy?”
“Inside, Axel and Lily are with her,” Emma said and then smiled. “I might add, she found the wine,”
Aiden grabbed Easton and flung him back against the building holding him in place.
“Let Jameson take care of this,” he said to Easton. When he was confident Easton was calming down, he let go of him but stayed nearby.
In the meantime, Jameson was standing in front of Grady now for the first time.
Grady looked at his feet. He knew this was a fight he wasn’t going to win both verbally or physically.
“I’m sorry,” he confessed promising the sun where there was only ever rain.
Alley snorted completely disgusted with Grady’s response. I was so pissed for what he had done to Jameson and my daughter that I contemplated taking this cane in my hand and shoving it up his ass.
“You’re sorry?” Jameson choked out in a gasp removing his hand from his pocket and finally looking up. “You tried to kill me and you expect me to just let it roll off my shoulders?”
“No! I know I messed up.” Grady didn’t know it, but it was too late for apologies.
His glare at Grady spoke volumes if the hands fisting in his shirt didn’t. “I fucking warned you. I told you when I hired you, don’t fuck me over or you’ll regret it.”
That was when Grady tried to explain. “My grandparents and my mom went into a depression after my dad died. We were very close with his family and his sister who had schizophrenia. Their entire family suffered from it. I felt like it was my responsibility to defend him. I was wrong and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you... well, I did, but I’m sorry. I never touched Jimi’s car ...” He pleaded holding his hands up trying to back away from him. Jameson had him pinned against a car in the parking lot and didn’t appear like he was going to let go. “I swear that I didn’t!”
Jameson’s smile was bitter and hard as he ripped his eyes from Grady. His head turned sideways as the muscles in his jaw tightened with each thought. “What makes you think I can believe you now?”
Grady stumbled over a few words that meant nothing as far as Jameson was concerned.
“You had no right to do that. I don’t care who you are,” Jameson said letting go of Grady and stepping back. “You had no right to come into my family, my home, and act like it was your responsibility. This wasn’t your fight to defend and you know absolutely nothing about what happened with me and Darrin. I did nothing to you.” He pushed between his teeth, still not looking at anyone.
I watched his chest expand, his shirt tightening against his skin. Taking my own deep breath, I contemplated how I could calm him down but knew showing the funbags would be just a little inappropriate given the circumstances.
But I did think about it.
“I know that.” Grady took a hesitant step back distancing himself from Jameson, his hands finding the car he was against as if he wanted to run away. “I’m sorry. I will pay for whatever damages I caused.”
Jameson wasn’t listening at that point, choosing to discard his apology with another question of his own. “Why?”
Grady looked at his feet wondering if he should lie. “I wanted revenge for you taking my dad from me.”
“So what, you thought killing mine would be an eye for an eye?”
“I’m sorry, Jameson, I really am. You are the last person I wanted to hurt but it was too late after the cars had left.”
“I saw you the night before we left.” Jameson said, in disbelief. “Was it too late then?”
“You trusted me. I didn’t want you to be angry with me.” Grady’s voice was breaking on the verge of tears. He finally understood what he had done and in reality, it was evident he was still a kid. He had no idea of the repercussions that he had created.
“So because I trusted you ...” he shook his head deliberately at the thought, “... you let me get inside a car with partial welds and nearly kill myself?”
“I never wanted to hurt you!” he said it again as if this would mean something.
“But you did.” Jameson looked at him, his face hidden from my view. His hand rose and he pointed at me. “You could have destroyed her life, too.”
“Jameson,” Grady breathed as if he was trying to get his point across. “I never got to know my dad…because of you.”
Yep, he went there.
“Your dad,” Jameson stepped closer. Each step was a fiery warning of what was to come, “... was a fucking murderer. He deserved everything he got.”
Grady blinked, the realization finally sinking in that he had touched a nerve and there was no going back now. The guys surrounding them knew too, Clint and Van stepped behind Jameson.
“Sway,” Jameson’s eyes found mine and then nodded to Clint. “Go with Clint inside,” he said looking at me and then Emma and Alley. “Go with them.”
“Jameson,” I begged reaching to tug on his arm. “This isn’t the answer.”
“I asked you to go. Please leave.” His eyes met mine and with one look, I knew that he wasn’t going to do anything stupid but he didn’t want me in the way should Grady choose to fight them.
I never saw the aftermath or the conversations with Darrin and Jameson following my attack. Seeing his temper now, I had no idea that my husband, a man so tender, a man who could be magic and myth, so violent, so extreme, so... deadly with just a look.
I couldn’t hear everything that was said as we were inside but I had a view of the parking lot and kept my eyes on Jameson. I knew Grady wouldn’t fight him, he wasn’t stupid but I was nervous of what would happen if he hit Jameson in his ribs or his head or even his shoulder.
What would that do to him?
“I never want to see you again!” Jameson shouted when he started to walk away and Grady reached out to him.
“Jameson—”
That was when Jameson’s temper took over and Van stepped in. Facing me, I could see his face flushed with anger but also emotion, he was crying. He was crying because he trusted this kid, let him into his shop and then he tried to kill him. We had no idea if what happened to Jimi’s car was because of Grady but the thought was there. That scared Jameson because again, this fell on his shoulders.
“YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!” he screamed through tears reaching for Grady. Van, knowing Jameson was in no condition to fight, grabbed him and pushed Grady away from him. “I trusted you! Goddamn you, I fucking trusted you! I gave you a chance and that’s how you repay me! Fuck you!”
Van slid between them, his hands on Grady’s chest. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave.”
Nancy, tipsy from the wine she found, came up behind me. “What’s going on out there?”
“Nothing,” Emma, Alley and me all turned around with wide eyes to find Nancy staring at us all glassy eyed and rosy cheeks.
“Is that Jameson and Grady out there?” Her hand waved splashing wine around. “You tell that Grady that I’m gonna kick his ass, too!”
“How do you know about that?” Emma asked taking the wine from her mom.
“Cole.”
“That little shit.” Alley huffed and took off to find Cole who was by the bar with Casten.
If was official. Another night turned to shit. I knew as well as everyone else in our family that tonight was going to be a disaster.
Jameson said nothing, his expression pure stone as he walked inside the banquet hall, his frustration evident with a rake of his fingers over the stubble of his hair. It was weird seeing him with such short hair that I stopped and looked.
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this tonight?” I said when he got closer to me dragging my palms over his face for him to look at me. “You’re angry. We should do this another night.”
“She’s right, man.” Spencer stood next to him straightening his jacket and placing his hand carefully on Jameson’s shoulder. “We can do this some other time.”
“No. Fuck no. Let’s do this.” He threw his hands up in the air and began to walk away. “I’m fine!”
I looked away blinking away tears.
“He’s fine.” Casten mocked when the door to the bathroom slammed behind Jameson. “Totally fucking crazy but, yes, he’s fine.”
“Yeah, fine.” Spencer shook his head and then sighed. “Shit…we should have told him sooner.”
“What a disaster.” Tommy shook his head as well, his hands hanging loosely on his hips before he grabbed a beer. “Might as well call the police now because we know Grady will show up inside here shortly.”
“What? Why didn’t Clint and Van take him away?”
Spencer and Tommy exchanged a glance and Casten spoke up for them. I could always count on him. “Dad wants him to hear his speech.”
“Oh, you have to be kidding me!” I grabbed another beer and seated myself before I slapped the shit out of my husband tonight, or better yet, shoved the cane in my hand straight up Grady’s ass for even coming here tonight.
Eventually Jameson returned from the bathroom three sheets to the wind and gave a speech that amazingly held the adoring eyes of everyone who stood behind him. I said it before but this team had a solidarity that was hard to find as it was hard to attain. This team had a familiarity of each other and a trust. It was a trust that Jameson believed in despite the recent turn of events.
He never had to search for his words and he spoke from the heart, his eyes told me so. Most of the time he looked at his hands on the podium but occasionally he did look up and the room was motionless as he spoke of a truth we all felt.
“I can’t make this any different. If I could, I would. But ...” he gave a regretful tip of his head, “it is evident to me that nothing is in your control. I’d love to stand up here and tell you that I am recovering and moving forward from this but,” he shrugged. “I do understand that despite all the fucked up shit and dishonest liars in the world, there’s a group of people who work hard to turn that around. It is a family that, over the years, has treated me with respect and helps for the greater good of our team.” Jameson reached for his beer next to him and raised it. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart ...” his voice cracked, his weight shifting uncomfortably. His eyes squeezed shut and he nodded a few times swallowing over the emotion building, “... my broken heart, thank you for standing behind me. I am very grateful for everything you have done for me.”
Watchful of the crowd and who was there, I breathed a sigh of relief when he left the podium and Grady hadn’t come inside.
Then I wondered if I would ever run out of tears. I had this thought a lot in my life and now, I thought it again. I also wondered why I chose to wear pantyhose. Who actually wears them anymore? Once I started crying and found myself in the bathroom, I ripped those goddamn things off and threw them away.
Just as I was about to return to the table, Nancy walked in with a bottle of wine. “Oh, hi sweetheart,” she said through a controlled smile. Alcohol was helping but I knew at any given time, she was holding on by a thread.
Wrapping my arms around her was all I could do. We hugged often. It was our way of dealing with it. Dealing with the void, the hurt, the emotion, all of it was poured into a hug. “How do you do it?” I whispered pulling back to hold her at arm’s length.
Nancy looked at the bottle and let out a giggle. “This helps... but,” her face twisted just as Jameson’s had moment ago and she fought back the feeling, “... there’s a lot hurt can teach us. I miss him so much that I can’t breathe at times. I can’t look at his clothes and not cry.” Right about this moment was when I let out a strangled cry and Nancy gripped me, holding onto to me so tightly that it nearly hurt. “The hurt teaches us that we have a lot to be thankful for. There are moments that are happening around us that we take for granted. We think because they’re not there anymore that we have to mourn their loss until it hurts so bad we can’t take it anymore. That’s not what it’s about.” She smiled her beautiful smile that could take your breath away and make you laugh at the same time. “I remember the very last thing he said to me.” Her hand touched her heart over the locket that Jimi had given to her on Christmas this past year. “He kissed this locket and told me that he loved me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said hating the words as they brushed through my trembling lips as they meant nothing but words. She didn’t need me to tell her as she knew.
“Help him, Sway. Hold onto what we have and what’s in front of us. I never worry about Spencer or Emma. Jameson... I worry about him. Jimi meant more to him than he led anyone to believe.”
I knew that. I knew that because I saw it in the way he hung on his every word growing up. When he won a race as a child, and even later in his career, he looked for idolatry Jimi had for him when he got out of the car after winning. Jimi was proud of Jameson, for this was his son, his own flesh and blood who followed in his legendary footsteps.
“I don’t know how to help him.” I divulged to Nancy. “I feel like he’s pushing me away.”
“He’s not. He needs you and he knows it.” Nancy wiped away her own tears and took a drink straight from the wine bottle she was holding. “To Jameson, the vow you guys made to each other means more than anything else. When he promises something, he means it. I know that because Jimi was the same way. They are spitting images of each other.” A careful smile formed as she spoke her next words. “And that’s why I’m making it through this. I’m remembering what’s right in front of me and what I have to be thankful for. I have a little piece of Jimi in all my kids, even you, and that’s what I’m going to hold on to.”
More tears. Blubbering like a goddamn idiot. Even Nancy was concerned. Waving my arms around, I grabbed her bottle and drank half of it.
After controlling myself, finding another beer, and checking on my tipsy mother-in-law talking with my fifteen-year-old hoodlum about what island in Hawaii had better surfing, I made my way back to the table we were seated at before dinner was served.
Taking a deep breath, I sat next to Jameson quietly as Carl, a representative with Simplex, was talking to him about upcoming sponsorship obligations. I watched him a lot that night, talking with his team who were all hopeful of a quick recovery for him. He made a few comments to the fact that he wanted to return before the Richmond race. He always loved Richmond.
He was colder and more direct with people than I had ever seen him in the past but I understood after what happened with Grady. It would be a long time before he trusted someone outside of our family again.
He took my hand under the table and held it on his thigh, the muscle under my hand tightened when I flattened my palm and kept it on his leg. Looking at him now it was apparent by his hooded bloodshot eyes and slouched appearance that he had drank too much but I wasn’t about to take away his beer.
He smiled for the first time that night when Nancy started teasing Spencer.
When he saw Grady, the fire returned and his mood immediately went to shit. Within a minute, he was standing on the table, microphone in hand, having knocked over glasses and plates to do so.
I looked at Carl seated next to him, his eyes wide and stunned at Jameson’s behavior.
“To my wife,” Jameson’s head bowed pulling the microphone closer. A shocked heavy silence spread over the crowd, “... thank you for being there for me and never lying to me.”
Some might take that as a backhanded comment, given the circumstances, but I didn’t lie to him. He knew that and it was a sincere gesture he was making because he understood that, had he asked me, I would have told him.
It wasn’t hard to see the anger rising quickly when he looked at Grady and raised his beer above his head angling it at Grady. “And to the fucking douchebag who stole from me!” Jameson shouted, the sound echoing throughout the room. He made eye contact with Grady. Alley, who sat on the other side of me, leaned into my shoulder knowing where this was going. “... Thank you for making me realize family was... is the only real honest people in the fucking world. So,” he raised his beer higher. “Fuck you, Grady!” He dropped the microphone at his feet and stormed out of the room.
Yep. He did that. In front of family, sponsors, friends, you name it, they witnessed my husband’s verbal chastising.
To most of us, it was nothing new.
That was the last we ever saw of Grady. Clint and Van left with him but I knew this time, Grady would legally be held accountable for his actions.
Some people would say my husband was hasty and insensitive to those around him that night, a night that was supposed to be about the people who were supporting him. To them I would say, well, drivers jump the start sometimes. They get sidetracked by the commotion around them and go for it. Repeated jumping of the start resulted in a penalty. Jameson knew that. But you know, I think he had every right to respond the way he did.
I watched him sleep that night. I tried to force the tears that flowed away. And the fact that I was crying again, for him, for his mom, for our entire family made me angry because I didn’t want to cry anymore. Our lives had been changed, rearranged to the point where we didn’t know where that clay met the rubber anymore. But I knew, deep down, that we could find it again. I vowed to never give it up and remembered my vow to him even before the wedding. The vow I wrote on a napkin with eyeliner: Here’s to a lifetime of making sure you have the correct tire pressure.