Spindle – A spindle is part of the suspension system that carries the hub for the wheel and attaches to the upper and lower control arms.
My dreams were strange when I slept and I seemed to do that a lot and for days at a time. I wasn’t sure if it was sleeping or if I was dead.
I saw images of my kids when they were younger, with Sway holding them and then they were following me. I was walking and looked behind me to see all three of them walking behind me in my exact footsteps.
Axel smiled at me. “Look, Daddy, I’m just like you!”
I remembered the time on the beach at Ocean Shores. It felt real again; the smells, the light mist of rain, and the crisp cool air as it moved inward from the coast.
I saw Sway. I saw me hovering over her drenched in sweat, her begging me not to let go and kissing me frantically. I reassured her I would never let go of her. Her hands clung to my skin and begged me again. I told her I wouldn’t but my voice wasn’t there.
I saw my parents, only my dad was walking away from her. Mom was smiling but crying. I tried to comfort her, too, but nothing happened. My mind seemed to shift through memories each one telling me something different.
But one thing remained the same.
My dad.
He wasn’t in them any longer after he said he loved me… that felt strange to me.
Then I was awake again, the dim lights of the room still comforted me. Movements and sounds felt unfamiliar but I saw Sway again. She was standing beside a taller man in a white coat. I recognized him. He talked to me a lot through the memories I had and he was in the room a lot.
Sway touched me again, her voice soft and calm.
The man beside her spoke but I didn’t hear what he was saying or maybe I didn’t understand. Concentrating hurt. I couldn’t do it for long.
Movement occurred in the room and I panicked that they were leaving. I had so many questions and I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to see the darker images again and if they were here, maybe I wouldn’t. One question remained the same for me.
What happened to my dad?
“W-h-h-here... Dad?” My eyes met Axel’s in the corner of the room; his rigid figure was blurry. Everything was blurry and nothing made sense to me now.
He didn’t answer me. I looked at Sway, careful not to move my head this time. I didn’t want the blinding sensation and the gut wrenching nausea to return.
Tears fell freely from her eyes, down her cheeks. “Jameson,” I watched as her tears increased.
I knew. My dreams were right.
“He didn’t make it.” The words from her came out slowly, echoing in my head. I felt cold, unbearably cold again.
This can’t be real, it couldn’t be. He was invincible, how could it be?
I wasn’t sure how much time went by.
When I focused again Sway was the only one in the room.
“Are you okay?” Sway asked; her hand ran across my cheek. The feeling radiated threw me. I felt like I’d been jolted by the sensation.
I wanted to lie to her and tell her I was okay. But I wasn’t. I was confused, scared, and most of all tired.
Lying to her right now wouldn’t change anything. I wasn’t okay but neither was Sway. He was just as important to her as he was to me.
“Why don’t you two leave us alone for just a few minutes,” I whispered to the boys.
I could tell they wanted to stay but they also knew that Jameson needed a few minutes. He had just been told that his dad was gone. Hell, even I thought about leaving him alone but I also knew him well enough to know that he didn’t need to be alone right now. He needed me. He needed me as a spindle supporting the weight of the control arms.
Once they stepped out, I made my way over to the bed again. My hand touched his bare arm which was laying on top of the thick blanket. His skin felt different to the touch but I couldn’t place why. Maybe it was from the methanol burns.
His eyes which were once focused on the window, shifted toward mine.
“W... w... when?” His tough demeanor broke and his chin started to shake; his eyes blinked quickly, like he was trying not to cry.
I took a breath, determined to be brave for him.
“It was an accident, Jameson,” I told him hoping he’d hear me this time. “That’s all it was.”
“No.” He tried to take a deep breath but failed, wincing in pain. I could see the anger surfacing that his body wouldn’t respond to basic movements. It was frustrating him that it was so painful. His body had been through so much and I was mad at myself for even telling him so soon after he woke up.
“Jameson, I don’t know what to say to you. I wish it wasn’t real, I really do.”
He stared at me for a long moment before the tears spilled over the dark bruises on his cheeks, his stare returned to the window.
“It was... n’t... supposed...” he swallowed trying to speak, “... hh... a... p-pen.” His distant cold gaze met mine for a second then returned to the window, “... not... like that.” He mumbled, his speech slurring.
“This isn’t your fault.”
He didn’t say anything, didn’t even acknowledge that I was speaking.
There was nothing that I could say to him at that point to make this any easier on him. To Jameson, he lost a legend. But I would be there for him. I would be his tire within a tire, his safety shield, his spindle. I would be anything he needed me to be. I would provide him the same support he provided me when Charlie died.
Life changed and people died. But it wasn’t every day a man with Jimi’s clout passed away.
In the sprint car racing world—and that included Jameson—it was as though their world leader had died. The significance of that had yet to sink in for us.
Death was never easy. Suddenly someone you spent every day seeing was now a memory. You didn’t ask for it but you’re forced to deal with all the shit that came with it, whether you want to or not. Undeniably, there was a side of death no one considered.
Dealing with it. Making a life without the other person.
Over the last three weeks, we were dealing with it, trying to keep his memory alive, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t supposed to be. Like I said, death is never easy.
“Jameson?” he wouldn’t look at me, just stared out the window.
I was crying again by that point but I had him to think about. If I broke completely, that just made it worse for him. I needed to be strong. I kept repeating to myself to be his spindle.
Wiping the tears away with the sleeve of my sweater, I gently climbed in bed next to him, careful of the wires and tubes still attached in various places.
His eyes closed when I got close. He tried to clear his throat but winced when he did so, then grunted in pain. For a moment, it seemed that I had caused more pain for him.
I tried to move again, afraid I was causing more damage by lying with him but his hand touched mine, his voice low and raspy. “No... s-s-s-stay. Don’t... please.”
I didn’t leave. I laid there with him until he dozed off again.
Casten was right. If anyone felt this loss the greatest and would assume the weight of it, it was Jameson.
He fell asleep within a few minutes and I was grateful he was resting. I watched him sleeping carefully detailing everything I saw in the event it was the last time I saw him. I wanted to remember every detail. I don’t know why, but I did. Maybe that was my way of dealing with death, holding on to what was in front of me.
Casten came back in the room and the low lights and humming of the electronics put him to sleep in a chair beside Jameson.
My mind went back to a memory of Casten and Jameson when Casten was a baby.
Casten was small just like the rest of our kids with plump cheeks and my nose. Jameson was kissing the top of his head, saying the words into his hair with his eyes on mine. “I can’t believe we have another son.”
Casten didn’t move, sleeping against his chest. Jameson adjusted him in his arms trying to turn him so I could see my little guy. “He looks like Axel but I see my dad in him, too.”
“Me too.” I told him. “He has your dad’s eyes, like the shape and everything.”
I gasped at the memory. Casten still had Jimi’s eyes only they were grass green, not the piercing blue color that Jimi had.
Casten woke up hungry, of course, and smiled at me. He was always good for a smile. “I told grandma I would get her some ice cream. Do you want anything? Lane’s gonna take me to the store.”
“Yeah, some water would be great.” I reached inside my purse on the floor for money. “Here…”
He took the money and then gave me a look. The look. “You need to eat mom. I’ll get you food, too.” Just as he was about to leave, he stopped by the glass door and looked back at Jameson and then me and smiled again. “You might want to tuck in that picture, mom.”
I tried not to laugh, but I did. That picture from the magazine, the one next to the condom ad, yeah, well I had that folded up in my bra. It was right where Jameson would have wanted to be. So I put him there.
When Jameson woke up a few hours later, I was right by Jameson’s side again.
“Can I get you anything?”
He seemed confused for a few minutes, taking in the room and me, and then closed his eyes before looking over at the window. His gaze was that distant cold shield that I couldn’t judge. Jameson was there but there were times when I could tell he still wasn’t there.
This would take time and I knew that but he also surprised me with how much of him was really there. I guess you could say the instincts were there, he wanted to be lucid, and he was fighting like hell to be but his body was telling him he wasn’t ready.
He looked back at me, his fingers moved toward mine over the blanket, searching. Quickly I reached for him not wanting him to move too much. “Are you cold?”
He closed his eyes again, sighing. Wincing once again, he let out a shaky breath.
“I-I-I... lo…ve... you-u-u,” he croaked; his voice raspy and rough as his tired, bloodshot eyes looked up at me.
“Oh God, Jameson... I love you, too!” I felt a gush from the slightest bit of hope that I had in days. He knew me.
Looking at him now, I couldn’t help but think that it would be a long road to recovery for him physically but emotionally, would he ever recover? I couldn’t help but think about what had happened with Darrin and how it had taken nearly twenty years for him to come to terms with that situation. Would this be the same?
“Please don’t blame yourself, Jameson. It’s not your fault,” I told him stroking my fingers gently over his hands. I noticed they were bruised so I lifted my fingers.
I felt him try to take in a deep breath but winced once more. He never responded to me, just stared at me. His eyes were so weary and I could tell that he was minutes away from falling asleep again.
But he surprised me when he asked. “Wh-h-at?”
“Do you want to know what happened?”
He made a slight nod with his head, just enough to indicate he wanted to know more.
“You and Jimi were racing side-by-side for the lead when his tire blew. The axle and bearings came apart. He cut down directly in front of you. They airlifted both of you from Knoxville. You were conscious when you arrived but were in and out and then you stopped breathing. They took you into surgery right away since you had a lateral fracture to your skull.” I paused. He was looking out the window again, the sun had just set. The colors reflected against the white snow. I wondered if this was too much but he looked at me when I hadn’t spoken for a moment. His eyes told me to continue.
“Jimi showed no signs of response after the accident and wasn’t breathing. They performed CPR at the track and for over an hour at the hospital but they weren’t able to revive him. His spinal cord was severed at the base of his neck.”
Jameson tensed again, grunting at the onset of pain from his muscles tensing.
“They tried everything to bring him back, baby. I’m sorry.”
He made his tiny nod again. “Co... m... e... clos-s-ser.” His speech was hard to decipher but I understood what he was asking.
I did, carefully and laid my head next to his.
“W-w-as anyone?” I could tell he was trying hard to speak but it was difficult for him and incredibly painful.
“Was anyone else hurt?”
He nodded carefully, the motion caused him to gasp and then tense at the onset of additional pain. I waited for him to relax before speaking.
“A few guys were checked out at the track but it was just you and Jimi who were airlifted.”
“Axe-l-l-l?”
“He’s fine, baby. A little shaken up but he’s fine.” I saw another tear slip down his cheek and brushed it away with my fingertips. “Please don’t blame yourself. Your mom, your kids, me, the rest of your family needs you right now. We can’t do this alone.”
His gaze which was fixated on the window shifted to me. The blood in his eyes seemed so prominent now. The green was there but it was different. It could have been the medication but I tended to think the latter and guessed it was a front. He was trying not to feel anything, whether it be emotionally or physically.
“I... k... now,” he whispered softly before placing a tender kiss on my temple. “I... n-n-eed you guys ...”
And he did. He needed his family and our love more than ever now.