Charlie took Henry aside at the end of the day. Henry wasn’t even sure which day it was. After he had stopped seeing Stewart, all of the days kind of merged into each other. He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to be doing. All that he knew was the way he felt when he was meant to be working. He didn’t even realize what he was supposed to be doing at work.
He didn’t know what he was supposed to be looking at in the black two-door sedan that they had dropped off in the morning. He kept zoning out. He wasn’t surprised when Charlie grabbed him by the shoulder and started to push him into the break room.
There was something wrong with him. Henry knew it. He just hoped that his boss wasn’t going to be astute enough for him to know it. There was, of course, no way that Charlie wasn’t going to be able to tell that something had messed with his mind. He had given him space. Far too much space. He had been a good friend and not so much a good boss.
Henry appreciated that he had taken his sweet time to call him out on his poor behavior, but he still didn’t want to face it right then. Charlie closed the door softly behind him.
“Henry,” he said sternly.
Henry closed his eyes. “I know.”
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I just, I guess I thought he was the one. it turns out he wasn’t the one. Things are fucked up for good, you know. And now everything feels, I don’t know, hopeless.”
Charlie looked him up and down. “Look,” he said, squeezing his shoulder. “I know that break-ups are hard. I do.”
Henry shook his head. He didn’t think that Charlie had ever gone through something quite this awful or devastating. In truth, he knew it was selfish, but he didn’t think anyone had. The pain felt very physical, like it was going to come from his insides and tear him up. He felt nauseous all the time. He didn’t know when he had last gotten food and managed to keep it down.
He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. “You don’t understand,” he said.
“No,” Charlie replied. “I don’t understand, so you’re going to have to explain it to me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Well, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like something is missing, like I can’t breathe. It was like he was the person I was supposed to be with and now… fuck, now I can’t.”
Charlie nodded. “And there’s no way you two can work it out?”
“Not unless I suddenly win the lottery,” Henry replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Or he becomes destitute.”
“Both of which are very unlikely options,” he said quietly.
Henry sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’m trying to get my head in the game, but every time I try, I just… I keep forgetting that every time my mind wanders, it goes back to Stewart. No matter what.”
“Maybe you need a vacation,” Charlie said.
Henry laughed bitterly. “I don’t have any money for a vacation.”
Charlie sighed. He looked down at his feet, took a deep breath and his entire body shuddered. Henry didn’t have to be a psychic to know exactly what this meant. “That wasn’t really a suggestion, Henry.”
“It wasn’t a suggestion,” Henry echoed. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and opened his eyes to look at Charlie. “I know. I just… I seriously don’t know if I can afford to stop working.”
“I know,” Charlie said. He didn’t look happy. In fact, he looked like he might throw up. Henry felt terrible about putting him in this position, but he didn’t know what else he was supposed to do. “I know and I get it. Trust me, if it were up to me, I would give you all the time off you need and keep paying you.”
Henry licked his lips. As much as he wanted that to be an option, it definitely wasn’t. He was vaguely aware that it wasn’t, but he still hoped that Charlie would tell him that he could take as much paid time off as he wanted.
“This is the best of the worst,” Charlie said. “You either take mandatory time off now to cool off and try to get over this guy or…”
“Or I don’t get to have a job to come back to,” Henry said, though it was truly unnecessary. They both understood that was exactly what Charlie meant. He didn’t even have to say it.
“Maybe go visit your parents?”
“My parents.”
“Yeah,” Charlie said. “A change of scenery might be good for you.”
“Scenery isn’t exactly what I’m worried about,” Henry replied. “I have to admit though, you might be right.”
“You know I wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”
Henry nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Of course I know that.”
“Go home, Henry,” Charlie said. “Come back when you can next week. We’ll tell people you’re sick with the flu or something. You’ve been out of it enough that people would buy it.”
Henry sighed, but he couldn’t help but smile at the same time. “Is that how pathetic I am?”
“You’re not pathetic,” Charlie said, “but you’re hurting.”
Henry smiled at him as he shook his head. “Thank you,” he said. “I won’t forget this.”
“You better not,” Charlie replied. “Okay, go. Seriously. I have to tell the guys to pick up your slack and I don’t think they’re going to be that excited about it.”
***
Henry didn’t know what he was supposed to do when he got home. He paced around, looked at himself in the mirror, looked at his bed—where he saw Stewart, smiling at him, telling him he loved him—then he went to his living room and sat down to watch mindless television, but he only saw Stewart next to him. He longed to feel Stewart’s arm behind him, even if it was just extended, even if it wasn’t touching him. He needed it. He needed him.
He closed his eyes, feeling a fat tear sliding down his face. He didn’t understand how he was still managing to cry when it felt like he had already cried his eyes out. He didn’t think that he’d had an extended headache like this one since he was about sixteen. He knew breaking up with Stewart was the right thing to do, but it was just so goddamn hard.
He knew what he needed to do. It wouldn’t be his parents, but he knew it was going to be far more relaxing than hanging out with his parents for a week. He grabbed his camping gear from where it was stashed in the back of his closet. He took his phone out of his pocket and threw it on the bed as he went under it to look for his backpack. When he graduated, he had spent a year living rough, saving money so that he would be able to get himself an apartment when he finally settled back at home.
That was always the plan. He knew that no one from his part of town got to leave and then live their lives. He didn’t mind his hometown so much, he just needed to be able to find himself. There was something very liberating about taking his car and sleeping under the stars in a national park or somewhere in a rest stop while he watched the sky.
He realized that it wasn’t the safest hobby in the world, but he didn’t care about that… especially not right then, especially when he needed to get out of town. He needed to be able to wash off the stink of Stewart. He needed to be able to move on. This was exactly what he needed to do, the only way he knew how to move on. There was something raw and appealing about connecting with the stars.
He grabbed his clothes and stuffed them into his bag, not paying much attention to whatever clothes he was putting there. All his clothes would be fine, he just needed to make sure to find a laundromat somewhere. He grabbed his phone and checked his bank account. He had about a hundred dollars left before he got paid again—if Charlie was ever going to pay him. Whatever, he would make do. He always had and there was no reason to believe he couldn’t do it now.
Maybe he would even find some guy to get under when he was on the road. That was exactly what he needed—none of this classist bullshit. Just a straight up, working class guy who would rock his world.
He closed his eyes as he recalled the sex he’d had with Stewart. It had been incredible. Despite himself—despite how much he wanted to forget about it—Henry found that he greatly enjoyed touching himself thinking about Stewart, thinking about how it felt when Stewart was inside of him. How Stewart looked when he was blushing, when he kissed him, when he told him that he loved him.
Henry took a deep breath. He didn’t know how he was going to be able to leave Stewart behind, how he was going to be able to leave all this behind. He didn’t know how he was going to be able to cope. The possibility of having no contact with Stewart ever again made him feel sick to his stomach.
He didn’t like that Stewart might get to his apartment and not find him there... not that Henry thought Stewart was going to come looking for him at all. In fact, Henry was pretty sure that Stewart was out of his life completely. He just needed to make sure Stewart knew that he was leaving him behind for good. He needed Stewart to know he still wanted him. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the wall. He didn’t need to call Stewart. There was no reason for him to get in touch.
He walked over to his bed, sat down and grabbed his phone. He scrolled until he finally found Stewart’s contact card. It wasn’t that hard; he was just avoiding it. He looked down at Stewart’s smiling face. He was covering his ocean blue eyes with his hand, half his face shaded. Only his beard was illuminated by the sun.
Henry couldn’t help but smile when he looked at Stewart’s picture. He pressed his finger down on Stewart’s name and waited for his phone to connect. He was going to launch into an explanation about how he was going to go camping and he didn’t want to be out of touch the moment that Stewart answered the phone. He was waiting for Stewart’s voice to say that he wasn’t available when the phone didn’t immediately connect, but instead of that, there was an automatic voice.
“Hello,” the voice said. “You have reached a number that has been disconnected. Please hang up now.”
Henry looked at his phone. He didn’t know what the fuck he was meant to do with that. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and threw his phone on the bed.