Chapter 14
“You told me last week that the self-defense classes helped you. Could you tell me why?” Doctor Michaels asked her, scribbling down on her notepad.
It was her second session with the therapist Harper had recommended to her. It had taken her a few days after her confrontation with Ben to work up the courage to talk to someone. Harper had seemed like the obvious candidate for advice. She was a nurse, worked in a hospital, and could recommend a professional.
Despite her slightly wilder side, Harper was also someone you could always count on. Madison had stopped by her place one night, and the two of them had shared a few experiences.
The kind of assault Madison had been subjected to was much more common than she had first thought. To know that one of her friends had experienced something similar when she had been younger had been surprising - mostly because Harper seemed awfully confident and strong. It was hard to picture her as a victim. The evening had turned into a sleepover, with two bottles of wine consumed and the two women ending up a giggling mess on the carpeted floor as they watched Bridesmaids.
“I think… looking back on it… what really stayed with me was the ‘what if?’ You know… what if he hadn’t been interrupted? What if he had been interrupted ten minutes later?”
“Mmhmh.”
“With the classes… I almost have an answer, or at least a hopeful one.”
“Meaning if it happens again, and if there is no interruption, you will know how to handle it?”
“Yes. I might not be able to, or I might freeze, I don’t know but… I feel more confident I now have tools to stop things even if there is no one else around.”
“Have you told anybody else?
“No. Just Ben and Harper, as you know.”
“Ah, yes… Ben. Maybe we should talk about him a little more.”
Madison shifted, crossing her legs. “… OK.”
“You don’t seem comfortable?”
“No. I mean, yes. It’s just…”
“Have you seen each other ever since…” Doctor Michaels flipped a page, her eyes searching on the paper. “Last month?”
“Occasionally? We used to hang out every Saturday, as you know, but that stopped. We also don’t go out as much anymore, which is usual once it gets colder. Plus, two of our friends are expecting a baby so they don’t go out much either, and the usual group nights are a little less frequent. I should see him this weekend, though.”
“How has it been when you’ve seen him again?”
Madison grimaced. Truth be told, she didn’t really know. They had talked things through that Friday after Thanksgiving and yes, when she had eventually left his apartment, things had been good between them. She still felt a lingering awkwardness because… well, she had kissed him, then he had pushed her away.
Or he had pulled away, since he had been so anal about semantics.
It didn’t change much for her. It was still a rejection.
It had hurt, too. The kiss had been… amazing. One of those first kisses you only read about in books or see on TV. The ones that leave you breathless and dazzled… and craving for more.
“Madison?”
“Yes. I don’t know. A little weird, to be honest. Like… I’m not sure if he tried to let me down nicely or not.”
“Is he the kind of man who wouldn’t be honest?”
“No.” Of that, she was sure, despite his mischievous side. “But… he’s… he tends to avoid things in a… scheme-y way. I don’t think he’d string me along. No, I’m sure he wouldn’t string me along. He never does anything to hurt people, rather the opposite, now that I think of it. But the fact is we text each other, we see each other and he’s nice and friendly but… there’s been no hint that he’d want us to go down that path.”
“He might not want to pressure you.”
“I feel like the one doing the pressuring was me,” Madison snorted.
Doctor Michaels let out a smile. “What I mean is that… what seems rational and logical to one person might be completely different for someone else. We all act differently, and react differently, in the same situation. The only way to find out is to talk to each other.”
“Yeah, but talking… it means that I’ll know for sure.”
“Isn’t it better?”
“Normally, I would say yes. I’m just not sure where I stand anymore.”
“Do you want to be in a relationship with him?”
Madison took a long, deep breath. “I’m also not so sure. I mean… I really like him. He’s a great guy. Fun, loyal, charming, smart… I just think he might be a little too much for me to handle. He’s a little bit of a… let’s just says he’s never lacked for company, and I’m much more homely.”
“Then why did you kiss him?”
“Because I wanted to,” she admitted. “At that moment, I really wanted to, and he was looking at me in a way that made me feel so… unique. Important. I was so relieved to have finally been able to tell someone, that… I just went for it. But I usually don’t do that.”
“Doesn’t that sound familiar?”
“What?”
“You told me he explained that he didn’t want to take advantage of you when you were more vulnerable, which made you mad. But based on what you just told me… do you think it’s a possibility he might have read the situation correctly and realized that everything you had just opened up about was influencing your actions?”
Well… damn.
“I think you should clear things up with him. It’s never good to wonder about what-ifs, as you know. Especially if you two remain in the same circle of friends.”
Of course, her therapist had to talk sense.
December was hitting strong in New York, and she was bundled up like it was the freaking North Pole as she made her way to O’Malley’s, two days later. She was walking down the street, which was already getting dark even though it was barely 5 PM, when she felt a weight landing on her shoulders. Her heart missed a beat and without thinking twice about it, she slightly turned sideways, sending her elbow into the gut of whoever was trying to mug her.
“Stomach, nose, groin,” she yelled out, automatically repeating the steps she had learned. Unfortunately, she missed the nose, the heel of her palm slipping over the guy’s head, but her knee landed almost perfectly on-
“Oh no,” she gasped. “Oh my God, oh no.”
“Holy shit, Madison,” Ben hissed, bending in two. “I might not want kids, but it’d be nice if I had the possibility to change my mind eventually,” he groaned.
“Hey, are you OK?” A young man asked as he walked past them with a girl on his arm.
“Yes. I was stupid enough to startle a chick who took self-defense classes,” Ben answered through gritted teeth, still not leaving his crouched position against the wall of the building.
“Are you OK, Miss?” The young man then asked Madison.
“Yes. He’s a friend of mine, he didn’t mean anything by it, and I just reacted and oh my God, his poor penis,” she rambled, twisting her hands nervously. She watched as the couple walked away, thinking that at least there were still a few people who’d step up and make sure everyone was safe.
“It’s my balls, not my penis,” Ben groaned, attracting her attention again.
“Well, your poor balls, then. I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to.”
Ben took a few deep breaths then eventually straightened up. “It’s OK. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you. I saw you and wanted to surprise you, but I should have known better.”
“But still. Can you walk?”
“You busted my genitals, not my kneecaps.”
“Why are you not moving, then?” she asked, staring at him. It was cold and even though he seemed to be wearing a warm coat and a scarf, the low temperatures were not exactly comfortable.
“I’m gathering myself, OK?”
“Oh. OK.” She bounced a little on her feet, trying to ignore the chilly air blowing in her face. She couldn’t wait to get inside and get herself a hot cocoa with Baileys, that would warm her up right away. “Do you think you’ll be done soon?”
“Be done with what?” he asked in a breath, resting his hands on his hips.
“Your gathering?”
He gave her the stink eye.
“Take your time,” she mumbled sheepishly.
The breath he let out was long, creating a foggy cloud in front of his mouth. “Fine. Let’s go.”
“It’s only a few minutes away,” she said to encourage him. “And your drinks are on me tonight.”
It was the least she could do.
“Wait.” He stopped her after about five steps.
“What? Something is wrong? Oh no, do you think one exploded?”
“One expl-” He started, confusion written all over his face. “It’s not water balloons I have between my legs, Madison!”
Cocking her head to the side, she stared at him. “Well, how am I supposed to know?”
“Isn’t your mom like a biology professor? Surely she covered the basics?” he snarled.
Seeing that he was in pain because of her, she decided she could take his sarcasm. “What’s wrong then?”
“Well… I could use some help.”
“Is this a trick…”
Ben rolled his eyes. “No. I could use some support.”
“That definitely sounds like a trick.”
“Shut up,” he grumbled. “Will you knee me again if I use your shoulders for support to make it there?”
Guilt raged inside her again. “Oh. Of course not. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it was you.”
He let out a long sigh as he rested his arm on her shoulders, letting her guide him. “Don’t be.”
“Hard not to when you’re barely able to walk.”
“Seriously, Madison. You did great. Reacted right away. If I had been a bad guy, you would have taken me down easily.”
“But you weren’t.”
He squeezed her shoulder. “You didn’t know that. And even though it hurts like hell, I’d want you to do it again in a heartbeat if it means you keep having that instinct to fight back and to get yourself out of a bad situation. Now, be kind and hold my hand, will you? I’m cold.”
She eyed the hand that was hanging from her shoulder. He wasn’t wearing gloves, and she bit her lips, feeling bad. She awkwardly covered it with her own, which was nice and warm in the thick woolen glove, and gently rubbed it the best she could.
“Is it better?” she asked, not sure if she really was helping. She tried to turn to look at him, but his face was weirdly closer than she expected. “Are you… are you smelling my hair?” she asked with a frown.
“Pumpkin, I’m in pain. Let me have a little bit of comfort on my death bed.”
“We’re literally walking. You might be doing it with bowed legs, but we’re definitely nowhere near a bed.”
“I am not walking with bowed legs, and what kind of shampoo do you use, I can’t place the smell?”
“My hair smells?” She tried to pull away, but he tightened his hold.
“Good. It smells good. Like… Something sweet.”
“It’s a honey shampoo.”
They stopped at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn green. She couldn’t help but shiver, the cold air hitting them directly now. Ben gently rubbed his hand up and down her arm, trying to warm her up.
“Cold?”
“Yes. It’s not that bad when we’re walking.”
“Look at the bright side of it,” Ben suggested as they finally made their way to the other side of the street.
“Which is?”
“We have the perfect excuse to snuggle up during our romantic stroll.”
“It’s not a romantic stroll.”
“What?” he gasped, throwing her a glare. “It’s winter in New York, the night is falling, we’re walking together, I have my arm over your shoulders, you’re all nestled against my side. How much more romantic can it get?”
“You have your arm over my shoulders because I basically incapacitated you. I’m nestled against you because it’s freezing.”
“You are the least romantic woman I know.”
“Sorry, I’m a little too focused on my hot cocoa to do the heart and flower thingy.”
“Being discarded for a stupid hot cocoa,” he grumbled. “Oh, how far the mighty has fallen.”
“If it makes you feel better, I am planning on having the one that is spiked with Baileys.”
“And whipped cream?”
“Is it really a hot cocoa if there is no whipped cream?”
“Good point.” He sighed as they arrived in front of the pub. “OK, I guess I can see the appeal.”
Sliding his arm off her shoulders, he opened the door for her. It surprised her how she missed the simple contact, and it wasn’t totally innocent when she grabbed his arm. “What do you want to drink?”
“Same as you.”
Her eyebrows lifted high on her forehead. “Really?”
“Yeah. Fucking freezing out there. Plus we’re like half an hour early, it’s not like Chris and Ian will know.”
“Oh, I see. Your man card is safe.”
“With your little stunt, I wouldn’t exactly say that. Speaking of which, I’m gonna go check if the manhood is still where it’s supposed to be and hit the bathroom.”
She laughed as she watched him head to the back of the bar before giving her order to the bartender. There was no line, and she had just found a table when Ben reappeared.
“Good news, everyone seems to have survived,” he said as she was hanging her coat near their table. She got rid of her scarf next, gathering her hair and pushing it back so it would fall neatly over her back. She was sitting down on her chair when she noticed Ben’s gaze on her.
“What?”
“You really have gorgeous hair, you know that?”
She blushed a little at that. “Oh. Thank you.”
He grinned, bopping his finger against her cheeks. “You’re all pink.”
“Shut up,” she said with a grin, pushing his hand away. Holding her mug of steamy deliciousness, she let it warm her palms, almost groaning at how good it felt.
“So, how have you been doing?” He asked after they had taken their first sip.
“Good,” she answered non-committedly. She had already told him about her sessions with Doctor Michaels. “Actually, we talked about you this week.”
“You did?” he asked in surprise, obviously understanding right away who she was talking about. “Also, this stuff is super good,” he added, taking another sip of his hot cocoa.
“Yes. About how I understood better why you… pulled away.”
“Ha! In short, she made you see sense.”
She stuck her tongue out, and it brought a small smile to his lips. His knees gently pressed against hers underneath the table. “Careful, Pumpkin.”
“You do know there is no more need to give me fake pet names, right?”
“Yup. But you like it when I do.”
“I do not.”
“You do.”
“I… fine, whatever,” she finished when she saw he was about to argue back. “Anyway… she said I should talk to you about something.”
It seemed to sober him up right away. Putting down his mug, he leaned over the table. “Yes?”
“What you said… that day, at your place?”
“Yes?”
“I really need you to be honest, by the way.”
“OK?”
“Did you mean it? About, hum…”
“I meant everything I told you that day, Madison.”
“Everything?” she asked again nonetheless.
There was no trace of laughter in his eyes when he replied. “Yes. Everything.”
“Oh. OK.”
“That’s it?”
She shrugged, bringing her mug to her lips. “Yes.”
It was the answer she needed, after all. She just wasn’t sure what to do with the information. Was it really smart to start something with him? If things went south… it would get extremely messy. Yet, a little voice inside her head was telling her that it might be worth it.