Chapter 16
Kadence
My hands are shaking even as they grip the handlebars of the bike I rented. I’m sweating profusely from the heat, but also because my nerves are shot. Holding onto this secret for the past several weeks has caused so much stress. No matter how hard to try to make a decision, something changes my mind.
At first, there was no question. I was getting an abortion and putting this whole ordeal behind me.
Then I stupidly scrolled through my news feed one night before bed and came across photographs of the development of a fetus at ten weeks gestation. It wasn’t just a little peanut that would be absorbed or aborted. It was a living breathing miracle, in the shape of a baby. Just seeing that one picture changed everything for me. There’s no way I could go to a doctor and look them in the eyes knowing I’d be killing something growing inside of me. Once my decision was made, I was sick over thinking I could ever go through with something like that. Everyone has their own opinion, but I had sex with Caleb because I wanted to. We used protection at first, but he ran out after round one and we weren’t exactly anywhere near a store he could grab more at. In fact, we’d not even discussed the use of protection while it was happening.
Now I’ve seen him again. I’ve been dreading it since I saw the results and knew why I was getting sick every morning. I’ve even been to the doctors to make sure everything was growing and measuring where it should be.
My parents have no idea.
It breaks my heart to hold this type of secret from them, but how am I supposed to look them in the eyes and tell them I’ve failed? It’s hard enough to admit to myself. Knowing I can probably make it one more semester while I’m pregnant, the distant future is going to have to change. It’s a painful reality, but I’m determined to make the best of it. I won’t blame anyone, most especially myself. It happened. I’m going to have a baby, and as much as I’ve considered doing it on my own, I feel obligated to tell Caleb.
I’m studying to be a lawyer. I want to spend my life helping people seek justice for the truth. I can’t live with a secret that big. I won’t be a hypocrite.
I’ve practiced telling him over and over. I need to do it while ensuring him that I’m not asking for help. I don’t expect him to step up to the plate and offer me support or anything else. I’ll manage. I just want him to know he’ll have a child, and that if he wants to be a part of the child’s life in any way, I’ll do my best to make it happen. We don’t have to like each other to co-parent, but I’d feel terrible if I didn’t give him the opportunity to decide for himself.
I didn’t expect my reaction to seeing him again. Everything I wanted to say was forgotten and I was forced to stand there looking dumbfounded. He gives me butterflies in all the right place. It’s a much appreciated distraction just at the wrong time.
Caleb looked happy to see me, which only made matters worse. To complicate the situation, I acted like a moron. Now he thinks I’m a terrible person. He probably won’t even answer when I try to call. This isn’t what I need right now.
Running from the situation isn’t like me. None of this is. All I can do is hope I can fix what I keep screwing up. If not, there’s going to be a lot of angry people, and one little baby who doesn’t deserve the drama.
Because I couldn’t talk to Caleb the way I’d wanted to, I have this urgency to finally come clean with my parents. I’ve been dodging their offers to go to a local winery, because I can’t exactly come up with a good excuse as to why I can’t drink. When I arrive back at the house we’ve rented, Mom and Dad are on the back deck grilling.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him this relaxed, which helps with my nerves.
I sit down at the picnic table near them and prepare for a conversation that's going to change the way they see me.
"How was the bike ride?" Dad asks while placing food on the tray to bring to the table.
"Nice. It's breezy here. I can do with the mosquitoes though. I keep forgetting to spray before I go outside."
"Dad was thinking we could take a pontoon boat tour this afternoon."
"That would be nice."
They keep looking at each other and then back to me. "Honey, Dad and I noticed you've been acting different lately. Is everything okay?"
The tears come out of nowhere. I've been unable to control my emotions for weeks. My stomach turns as I try to conjure enough courage the break their hearts.
I'm wiping them away as I start. "I'm sorry. So much has been going on with me lately. Life is changing and it's just a lot for me to compartmentalize over. I wish this was easier to talk about. God knows I've practiced it dozens of times."
"Is it school?" Dad wants to know. "He doesn't seem too concerned over what I have to say. He's too busy loading up a hotdog bun with condiments."
"Of you're not ready to move to New York we can get you in somewhere else."
"It's not New York. It's school in general. I don't think I'm going to be able to finish, at least not I. The next few years."
"Why? Have you changed your mind about becoming a lawyer?"
How does someone look at their parents and break their hearts? I feel sick to my stomach as my lips part to deliver the news that will devastate them. “I haven’t changed my mind about anything, but I’ve done something and I can’t keep a secret anymore. Coming to the island only reminds me that I can’t keep lying to myself.”
“Honey, what’s wrong? You can tell us anything.” My mom always says that, but in my defense, I’ve never done anything to upset them. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’ve been a good child. I take pride in making them happy.
“When I came here with the girls there was a big falling out.”
“You told us about it,” Dad acknowledges.
I nod. “What I left out is how I spent the last night apart from them. They were being ridiculous, so I went out on my own. I ended up running into someone we’d met earlier in the day.”
Mom cups her face like she’s figured out what I’m trying to tell her. “Oh my god, please don’t say you were attacked.”
“What?” She’s was off, so I have to correct her. “No. No way, Mom. I would have told you immediately. No one hurt me.”
“Was this someone a male?”
“Yes.” Swallowing hard, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “I just wanted to unwind. He took me out sailing and one thing led to another.” I can’t admit that the sex was planned before the boat ride. My father would never look at me the same. He’s no prude, but I’m his daughter and it would taint the way he sees me.
“Is that why you wanted us to come here? Have you been in a relationship with someone?”
I wish my mother’s question would ease her worries.
“No. We haven’t been involved since.”
“Do you have feelings for this person?”
Shrugging, I admit, “I don’t really know him enough to determine that.”
“I’m afraid your mother and I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“I’m pregnant. I found out around the fourth of July. Remember when I was sick?”
It’s silent. Neither one of them move. They just stare at me like they’ve seen a ghost.
“Please say something to me. Tell me you don’t hate me. Tell me I can do this; raise a child and be a student. I’m so sorry this happened. I was careless. I just wanted to have fun, and I’m so very sorry.”
Mom looks to Dad. I can tells he wants his advice first. He squints while bearing his gaze into me, as if he’s searching far and wide in his big brain for something reasonable to say to me without implying I’m a major disappointment. While I impatiently wait, I watch him shake his head, pick up the plate of food, and go directly into the house without a single grumble.
When I look to my mom she sadly sobs and run after him, leaving me to sulk alone.
The burden of my secret is out. Now I just have to live with the guilt and move forward. When they don’t return, and I hear them talking indoors, I decide it’s best to give them some much needed time to absorb what this means for my future. Right now, I’m afraid I’ve just damaged the relationships I’ve spent my whole life building. Nothing will ever be the same.