Noel rocked on his heels by the front door, hands stuffed deep in his pockets like he seemed to do when he was nervous. Shane didn’t know what to feel, seeing him in his trailer after he’d told him to fuck off only hours earlier.

“I’ll be in my room,” Jason said, politely giving them space.

Shane didn’t want space. He didn’t want Noel there at all, and he couldn’t ask him to leave. Noel, whose big brown eyes were as determined as he’d ever seen.

“You want something to drink?” Shane asked.

“No, I’m fine.”

He fetched a bottle of water for himself, mostly to do something. His stomach was threatening to upend itself, and seeing Noel wasn’t helping. He sat in the armchair, leaving Noel the entire couch. Naturally he sat on the end closest to Shane.

“Please tell me Jason didn’t call you too,” Shane said.

“No, he didn’t. Why?”

“Never mind. What do you want?”

Noel picked at the hem of his cargo shorts. “I’ve been in Stratton less than two years, so I didn’t know the history. I wasn’t around for any of it.”

Shane’s scalp prickled with unease. “What history?”

“Yours and Jason’s.”

“What do you think you know?”

“I know what’s a matter of public record, and what the newspapers reported about your stepfather’s death.”

Shane’s throat closed up. He swallowed hard, mouth dry, hands shaking too much now to open the damned water bottle. Noel only knew what the papers knew, but God, Shane wanted to tell him the rest. To get that elephant off his chest once and for all. To really explain why he owed Jason everything.

“So you know about the fight?”

Noel nodded. “I know you were there and why they fought.”

“That shit sticks with you.”

“Seeing a man die?”

“Among other things.” Shane settled into his chair. Noel had seen the highlight reel. Might as well give him the full story. “Jason and our stepdad Thom never got along, and it got worse after Mom died. Jason was in trouble at a lot, especially at school. He got into fights, got suspended a few times a year. When he turned eighteen, Thom kicked him out, so it was just us. Thom changed so fast. He drank more. He started coming into my room sometimes. He’d tell me he loved me, and he wanted to show me how much, so he’d put his hand in my pants and touch me while he jerked off.”

Shane’s skin crawled as the ghosts of old hurts passed through him.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Noel was clutching his knees, face red, ready to commit murder.

“I didn’t really understand it at the time, what he was doing. I mean, I was ten so I kind of knew what sex was, but I’d never had the talk and it was our secret, you know? I felt important, having this big secret. It went on for a couple of months. Thom was a local truck driver, but at Christmas he got a long-haul job, so we decided I would stay with Jason for a week. He had a little place out on the west side of town, in the woods. Up until then, Jason had always kind of thought of me as a pest, but it was nice spending time with him. He’d grown up a lot being on his own.

“One night we were watching Will & Grace on TV, and I asked Jason what gay meant. He said it was when two men loved each other like a man and woman do. I remember being really confused so I asked if loving each other meant touching, and Jason got spooked. He asked me what I meant by touching, and I said that maybe Thom was gay because he touched me.” Shane shuddered at the memory of the murderous look on Jason’s face that day when Shane gave him details. So much rage.

“Jason called Thom, said I’d had an emergency, and that he needed to come home. I guess we could have avoided everything that came later if Jason had just reported him to the police, but he didn’t. He felt responsible for it happening.”

“He was kicked out,” Noel said. “How could he have stopped it?”

“My point every time we fight over this. He insists he should have taken me with him when he left. Hindsight and all that, right?”

“Yeah. So Thom came back?”

“He did. Jason didn’t even let him inside. He yelled at him in the yard, said he was going to call the cops and that he’d never lay another finger on me. I was listening from the door. I was scared. I knew what Thom did was wrong, and Jason was my hero again, like he was when I was really little.

“Thom called me a liar, of course. Then he insulted Jason and our mother, and Jason lost it. He hit Thom first, but Thom fought back. He was a lot bigger than Jason.” Shane’s voice seized, unable to continue. Unable to explain what happened next because he’d made a fucking promise. “Jason got his hands on a piece of wood. It had a nail sticking out of one end, but he didn’t know that at the time, and he hit Thom in the head. The nail pierced his temple and killed him.”

“You saw all of that? Christ, Shane. And then you lost your brother.”

“Yeah. I was put in a group home. I saw a counselor for a while but she was fucking useless. I pretty much moved through my days in a dark depression, surviving without really living. I honestly don’t remember much about those few years, until the day Jason picked me up from school and said I could live with him, and he brought me here.”

He’d swooped in like a superhero and saved Shane, putting himself into debt in the process. A debt Shane tripled because of his own weakness. A weakness Noel probably hadn’t uncovered in his research. Shane didn’t talk about it with anyone, but he wanted to tell Noel. This topic wasn’t verboten.

It might even be what he needed to make Noel dump his ass and run screaming for the hills.

“Things got better for me for a while. I was still a little skittish around older men but I was coping. My teachers were nice to me because they all knew what had happened. Small town and all that shit. But then I started noticing guys when I was fourteen, and I didn’t understand what that meant. I got confused about what Thom did to me, and what sexual attraction was, and it was jumbled up in my head. I thought I’d grow up to be like Thom. I was scared to talk to Jason, because the last time we talked about what gay was, he ended up in jail.”

Shane rubbed his arms, chilled despite the warmth of the room. “In tenth grade, we had to start taking showers after gym class. One day in October, I popped wood while we were showering, and one of the other boys noticed. I got called queer and fag and was bullied for weeks, and I kept it all in. I thought something was wrong with me, and I started to believe the other kids who said I was disgusting and should just die.”

Noel glowered—not at him. At the words. At the nameless, faceless teenagers who’d been so cruel. A few of whom still lived in or around Stratton. It gave Shane the strength to tell the rest of the story.

“After almost a month of it, I stopped at a hardware store on the way home from school.” He glanced up. “We used to have a ceiling fan in here. It was the only thing to tie the rope to. After I stepped off the chair, I hung there for a while, strangling so slowly that I freaked and started to fight it. Yanked the ceiling fan right out, and down we went. I hit my head and passed out. Jason found me a while later and took me to the hospital.”

Shane hazarded a look at Noel, unsure what he’d see. He didn’t expect the fat tear rolling down his left cheek, or the genuine grief in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to launch across the room and hug him, and bless him for having so much restraint, because if he did that, Shane would shatter. He had to keep it together.

“They put me in the psych ward, and then transferred to a state facility,” Shane said. “They threw medication at me, put me in therapy sessions. I was there for a month, and at the time we didn’t have health insurance, so Jason was stuck with the bill. Another fat fucking bill because of me.”

“That’s what you’re buried under right now,” Noel said. Hoarse.

“Yes.” But not for much longer. “Jason has given up years of his life for me. I owe him everything, especially a chance to be happy.”

Noel tilted his head, considering. “Is that why you pushed me away? You don’t want to have something good in your life while he doesn’t?”

I pushed you away before you saw the awful things inside me and left.

He’d made a good observation, though, and Shane tumbled that around in his head. Subconsciously he’d probably thought that. But now Jason was better, and he was kind of seeing Elizabeth. He couldn’t use that as an excuse anymore. “Maybe so,” he said.

“Is that when you found your love of dancing?”

Shane adored Noel for remembering that. “Yes. Dancing saved my sanity, and I’m not joking. I hated taking antidepressants more than almost anything. I weaned myself off, and I have something in case I have trouble sleeping, but I don’t have to take them very often. I’m also supposed to write my feelings out in these notebooks, which is harder to remember to do than it sounds.”

Noel pinched the bridge of his nose, then wiped his eyes. “You’re really lucky to have Jason, and I’m so glad that he’s going to be okay.”

“Thanks. I know I’m lucky. That’s why I’m doing this.”

“Doing what?”

He hadn’t meant to say that. “Everything I can to keep him healthy and from overworking.”

“How are you doing with that?”

“So far so good.” Shane didn’t want to talk about money, and he was exhausted of talking about himself. “How’s Tristan?”

Funny you asking him a question instead of telling him to leave.

“He’s doing good.” Noel smiled. “He could tell I was upset after lunch, and we talked about it. I’d never really told him about you because it happened so fast, and then it was over so fast. It was his idea to look you up online.”

Shane’s lips twitched. “So you cyber stalked me?”

“I kinda thought it was creepy too, until he reminded me that if it was on the Internet, it wasn’t really private.”

“True.”

“I looked you up because I care, Shane. I know we weren’t together very long, but you got under my skin, and you looked so miserable today. I couldn’t let it go.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Truth. “And I know I said it already, but I am so sorry I punched you.”

“It’s okay. I know where it came from. You had a lot to deal with that day, and pushing me away was one thing you could control.”

“Still, I’m not…I don’t usually lash out like that. I need you to believe me. I’m not a violent person.”

If Noel believes me, maybe it’ll be true.

“I wouldn’t be so persistent if I thought you’d attack me again,” Noel said. “At least not out of anger.” The tease in his voice clearly said other kinds of attacks—the sexy kind—were not off the table.

Something pleasant and familiar burned in Shane’s gut. The lovely feeling died a quick death beneath the Arctic wind of the reasons he couldn’t indulge. He’d only end up staining Noel with the shame coating his soul like an oil slick.

“Shane?”

“Huh?”

“You were a million miles away just now. Where did you go?”

“I don’t know how to do this, Noel.”

“Do what?”

Shane gestured between them. “This. Us. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never even dated the same guy more than twice.”

“Is that what you want?” The hope in Noel’s voice buoyed his courage. “A relationship?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes. I know I felt good—no, feel good when I’m with you. I want to be around you and to talk to you. I want to make out on the couch like horny teenagers because I really like kissing you. And I’m scared of it all blowing up in my face.”

“Relationships come with risks. It may not work out. We won’t know if we don’t try, and I believe the trying will be a lot of fun.”

Don’t give in. You’ll hurt him. “You aren’t out.”

Noel shook his head slowly. “No, I’m not. I will be, and probably pretty soon. I’m not quite ready. But if we did happen to get serious, then yes, I’d come out. I’d never make you my dirty secret.”

“Except I kind of am.”

He opened and closed his mouth a few times as the statement settled in. “You’re right. Tristan knows about you, and I’d tell my parents if there was something to tell, but you’re right. No one in Stratton besides you knows I’m gay.”

“You’d really tell your parents about me?”

“Surprisingly, my mother occasionally asks me if I’m seeing anyone. I think she’d be thrilled to know I had a boyfriend. She won’t say it, but she worries about me being so far from home.”

“I think that’s her job as a mom.”

“Parents worry.”

Shane glanced at the hallway. “Yeah. We’d have to tell Jason.”

“I assumed as much. How do you think he’ll feel about his little brother seeing a cop?”

“I think he’ll be thrilled I’m getting a life, much like I’m thrilled he’s got one.”

“He does?”

Shane told Noel about Elizabeth with unrestrained glee. “They haven’t said anything official, but I love it. She’s really nice, and he smiles more now than he ever has.”

“It sounds like you’re both getting a chance at a fresh start.”

He wanted to believe that more than anything. “Maybe.”

“Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna slug me again if I go over there and kiss you?”

Shane didn’t think. He moved, and then he was straddling Noel’s lap doing the thing he’d missed the most. Exploring Noel’s mouth, losing himself in the press of lips, the slide of tongues, the taste of him. Hands squeezed his hips, hauling him closer. Shane threaded his fingers through thick, straw-colored hair, and it was everything wonderful and perfect.

Noel broke away first, his lips wet and shiny. “Jesus. Was that a good-night kiss, or a we’re-just-getting-started kiss?”

“It was an I really, really want to fuck you kiss.”

He made a very sexy noise. “You want to go back to my place?”

Shane didn’t think. It might be a mistake but he needed this. They both needed this. “Yes.”

* * *

Noel was kind of glad Shane was following him in his own car. He needed some time alone to sort through his emotions and rage at Shane’s past. At the horrific things his stepfather had done, and at the awful thing he’d seen his brother do. At the shame and self-hatred and bullying that had led him to attempt suicide at fifteen.

He’d expected to find heartbreak in Shane’s past, but so much in only a few years? It was shattering. But Shane had survived, and he was doing everything in his power to pay back what he felt he owed Jason. He couldn’t fathom what Jason had endured—prison, a criminal record, enormous financial debt and now heart disease. He barely knew the man, but he admired him. And he was insanely grateful that he’d taken care of Shane all these years.

Selfishly grateful, because if Jason hadn’t talked to Shane that night about a word on a sitcom, or if he’d had a stronger ceiling fan, Shane wouldn’t be in Noel’s life. And Noel was all the better for having Shane. He knew it in his heart. He hoped Shane felt the same way.

Parking on his street wasn’t fantastic, so he drove to the public lot around the block. Shane followed him. Shane was grinning, loose shouldered and at ease as they walked back toward Noel’s place. Noel wanted to grab his hand and hold it, to declare them…something. He refrained, not quite ready to do that in public. Not sure how Shane would react if he did.

At his door, he fumbled his keys like a fool. Shane snatched them up, then dangled them in front of Noel’s nose. The mischievous smile made Noel’s insides somersault. “Nervous?”

“Maybe a little eager. I missed you.”

“Me too. And tonight?” Shane leaned in, pitching his voice low. “The cowboy’s riding you.”

The sexy growl coiled deep in Noel’s stomach. “Hell yeah.”

Shane unlocked the door and went inside. By the time Noel shut and relocked the door, Shane was naked in the middle of the room. Noel drank him in. The long, toned legs. Firm abdomen with smoothly shaven skin around a thickening cock. The small monarch butterfly tattoo on his left hip. Gorgeous. And all for him.

Noel toed off his sneakers, then shucked his clothes, wanting no barriers between them. He needed skin on skin.

“Get the condoms and lube out,” Shane said. The growled order prickled up Noel’s spine. He liked Shane this way, in charge and forceful. Huge turn-on.

Noel got what they needed from the bedside table and dumped them on the pillow. And because he couldn’t stand it any longer, he hauled Shane into his arms and kissed him. Attacked his mouth, really, and Shane counterattacked with vigor. He thrust his tongue into Noel’s mouth like he wanted to swallow him whole, arms tight around his shoulders, one hand threaded in his hair. Holding him still, as if Noel intended to go anywhere.

Their erections slid together, trapped in the delicious friction of their stomachs. Need surged through him, burning in his blood, demanding action. Noel dragged his fingers down Shane’s back, earning a harsh noise that repeated itself with each hard scrape of nails over flesh. Enough to redden the skin, awaken nerve endings, leave a temporary mark that Shane was his.

Noel needed more than that. He wrangled out of the kiss first and dropped to his knees. Wrapped his fingers around the base of Shane’s cock. Shane gasped. Noel slid the foreskin back, and Shane’s gasp became a hiss when Noel licked around the crown, tasting and teasing. Enjoying the silky texture, the fantastic heat, until Shane growled again.

“Fucking suck it already.”

He did, gently scraping his teeth as he took in Shane’s length.

“Shit, Noel. Fuck.”

Encouraged, Noel pulled back, dragged his lips tightly, then scraped again on the downslide. Shane’s thighs trembled. Fingers dug into Noel’s shoulders, probably avoiding his hair because hello, teeth. He savored the noises Shane made, letting them ripple down his spine in waves of pure lust, then pulled off to suck on Shane’s balls. Rolling each one in his mouth, licking the smooth-shaved skin that he didn’t recall being shaved the first time, but whatever. Shane was coiled tight, ready to pop, but they both knew he wasn’t going off like this. Not until he was inside Noel.

Anticipation rolled his gut. Noel mouthed the tattoo, appreciating the details of its wings. The care that had gone into such a small design. He gave it a lick that made Shane shudder. “Why a butterfly?”

Shane cupped his chin in his palm, something sad flickering in his eyes through the bald desire. “It’s a reminder of what can happen. A metamorphosis of something ugly into something beautiful.”

The words made Noel’s heart ache for the pain that Shane still carried with him. Pain that may never really go away, but that time and love could help make a little more bearable. Noel stood, his thumb rubbing a circle over the tattoo. He grasped the back of Shane’s neck with his free hand and pulled until their foreheads pressed together. Their breaths mingled, hot and moist, fanning across Noel’s chin.

“You are beautiful, Jody McShane, even if you don’t see it.”

Shane made a strangled sound. One hand came up and pressed against the scars over Noel’s heart. “So are you.”

Something hot and wonderful wrapped around Noel’s heart that had nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the man in his arms. The intense attraction he couldn’t explain. He kissed Shane’s cheek in a slow trail to his ear, then licked the shell.

Shane shivered.

Noel whispered, “Make love to me, cowboy.”

“Yeah. Sit down and lie back.”

Noel did, his cock hard against his stomach. Shane loomed over him, that gloriously feral smile in place. So fucking hot as he stared up and down the length of Noel’s body. He knelt between his spread legs, then tugged Noel forward a bit, until Noel’s ass was nearly off the bed.

“Grab the backs of your knees and pull your legs up. Open yourself.”

Oh Lord. Noel did, his insides wobbling with want as he displayed himself for Shane. Hands smoothed over his thighs, tickling the skin. He tried to watch, tried to anticipate, but at the first wet press of tongue against his entrance, Noel shut his eyes and lost himself.

The long, low moan Noel exhaled settled in Shane’s balls, and dear God, he wanted to straighten up and push into that tight heat. Wanted to be inside Noel so badly his teeth ached with it. He resisted, needing this more. Noel asked him to make love to him, and damn it, Shane was going to try.

He dragged his tongue from just below Noel’s hole, up to his balls, savoring the sharp flavors of his body. Sweat and musk and man, and Shane loved it. He licked around Shane’s entrance, listening for the little noises, the jerks of his body, signals that Noel was enjoying every touch. Every press and swipe. Every stretch and press with his thumbs. Shane rarely indulged in rimming. The action always felt too intimate, too personal to share with most guys. But Noel wasn’t most guys. He was special.

This was special.

Shane indulged until Noel was muttering nonsense, his thighs trembling constantly. Until resistance softened and Shane could nudge his tongue inside just a bit, enough to wiggle into that fantastic heat and make Noel shout.

“So fucking good, Shane, oh God. Please.”

He bit the crease of Shane’s thigh. Pushed his hand up. “Suck on my finger. Get it wet.”

Noel sucked his index finger like it was his cock, swirling his tongue, coating it with spit. Good Christ, yes. So responsive. So fucking dirty.

Shane sucked on Noel’s balls while he pressed that spit-coated finger inside. Worked it in and out, enjoying the way Noel thrust onto him, wanting it. Demanding it. He was so tight, so amazing. Shane pushed in past the second knuckle, then licked at the muscle stretched tight around his finger. The sound Noel made shot raw desire through Shane’s insides, set fire to his blood. He couldn’t wait much longer. Never in his life had he wanted someone so much, needed to be inside of him, staking his claim. Showing Noel how much he meant to Shane, how sorry he was for pushing him away.

He spit and worked a second finger inside. A little too dry, probably a little too tight, and Noel keened. He pushed down onto those fingers, though, taking them. Shane took the flared head of his fat cock into his mouth and sucked. Noel bucked, up into his mouth, down onto his hand, gasping his pleasure. His face and chest were flushed, so close to gone, and so fucking gorgeous.

Mine.

Shane pulled off and stood up, reluctant to stop touching Noel, but he needed both hands to open the condom and roll it on. To rip open the sachet of lube and coat his cock. Noel watched him, a little dazed, legs still up, body still open. Shane ached all over, inside and out, unsure what that meant and uncaring in that moment.

He tilted Noel’s hips more, raising his ass off the edge of the bed for a better angle, silently cursing his height. Noel rested his calves on Shane’s shoulders. Using a free hand to guide his cock to Noel’s entrance, Shane pushed inside with little resistance, a long glide into gripping heat that left him breathless. Noel threw his head back in a silent scream, his throat working, no noise coming out. He grabbed Shane’s hands where they gripped his hips and held tight.

Shane waited, shaking with the need to move, unable to without some signal from Noel. A sign that he was okay, not in pain, ready—anything.

“Please, baby,” Shane said.

Noel’s eyelids snapped up. His burning gaze met Shane’s, and he grinned. “Fucking ride ’em, cowboy.”

God yes, thank you.

Shane snapped his hips, and Noel shouted. He bent Noel nearly in half so he could plant his hands on the bed beside his head. Noel thrust up, meeting him, needing it as much as Shane did. He wrapped his arms around Shane’s shoulders and yanked him down. Kissed him. Fucked his tongue into Shane’s mouth with the same ferocity that Shane fucked his ass, his hard cock trapped between their writhing abdomens.

He lost himself in Noel.

So good. So fucking good.

It ended too fucking fast. His balls drew up tight. Everything coiled in, faster, harder, more, and then it razed through Shane’s body. He pushed hard into Noel as he came. Pumped his hips a few more times because it felt too damned good to stop. His breath burned in his lungs, his head spun with utter satisfaction, and it took all of his remaining energy to pull out and flop to the bed, instead of crushing Noel to the mattress.

Noel rolled to face him, his erection brushing Shane’s thigh. In that moment, flying high from the best orgasm of his life, Shane would have promised Noel, “Anything.”

“I hope you mean that,” Noel whispered.

“Yeah.”

Shane clamped down on a flutter of nerves as Noel sat up and moved. He waited for Noel to claim a condom and lube. Instead, Noel straddled Shane’s head. Shane parted his lips and let Noel slide his cock into his mouth. He tilted his neck, relaxed his throat as best he could. Noel fucked his mouth slowly at first, testing Shane’s limits. Shane helped him out by grabbing his hips. Urging him faster. Savoring the silky slide.

Saliva oozed down his cheeks, and tears stung his eyes from the stretch, but Shane didn’t stop him. Didn’t dare take this away from him. He closed his eyes, then slid one hand around. Down. Pushed a finger into Noel’s loose, wet opening. Noel shouted. Shane curled his finger, pressed on that spot.

Noel thrust hard, too deep, and Shane worked to swallow down what he’d earned before he choked. Then Noel was gone. Shane coughed, swallowed. Wiped his face with both hands. Arms hauled him into a tight embrace against a panting, heaving chest. Shane fought to regain control of his own breathing, delirious with pleasure, and delighted that Noel had lost it like that.

“That was…” Noel said nothing else.

Shane grinned and kissed his chin. “Yeah.”

Fingers traced nonsensical patterns on his back. “I’ve never had a rim job like that before.”

He didn’t sound put out, but Shane still cautiously asked, “Like what?”

“So intense. So…dirty. But dirty in a sexy do-it-again way.”

Shane laughed. “Good. Because I loved doing it for you.”

They lay together a while, sweaty limbs tangled, until Shane’s bladder throbbed and reminded him of the condom still clinging to his soft cock. He sat up and stripped it off. “Mind if I use your bathroom?”

“Help yourself.” Noel rolled onto his back and stretched. Something in his back popped, and he groaned appreciatively. “I’d suggest taking a shower together, but that thing barely holds one person, let alone two.”

“That’s okay.”

“If you want to rinse off, there are towels in a basket under the sink.”

“Thanks.”

Shane was in the bathroom doorway when Noel said, “Hey, Shane?”

He turned. “Yeah?”

“Will you stay tonight?”

Shane’s heart turned over in a foreign—but totally wonderful—way. “Yes. I’ll stay.”

Noel’s beaming smile went with him into the bathroom, and even though he still avoided his own reflection in the mirror, Shane felt a little bit better about himself. All because Noel Carlson wanted him.

And Shane wanted him right back.