Shane pulled the hot cake pan out of the oven and dumped it onto a wicker trivet to cool. He inhaled, savoring the scent of chocolate now filling the small kitchen space. Noel peeked over his shoulder, and Shane used the proximity to buss his cheek.

“It looks okay,” Noel said.

“You followed the directions on the box to the letter, babe, I’m sure it’s fine.”

Tristan’s birthday was tomorrow, July 31^st, and Noel had wanted to surprise him with a small party. Their shared friend Billy was hosting it at his apartment in Elizabethtown, which was about ten minutes south of Stratton, and Noel had volunteered to make the cake—with Shane’s very careful observation, since Noel had never done such a thing in his life.

Shane had never seen someone so scared of a hand mixer before.

“So it has to cool before we can ice it, right?” Noel asked.

“Yep. If you tried now, it would melt all over the place.”

“Even this kind?” He held up the can of coconut-pecan frosting for the German Chocolate cake that was apparently Tristan’s favorite.

“Even that kind. Patience, young padawan.”

Noel snickered, then pinched Shane’s ass. “Keep sassing me, son, and I’ll show you who’s the apprentice.”

Shane turned around and tugged Noel closer, aligning their hips. “Don’t make promises you can’t deliver on, master Jedi.”

“You’ve seen my light saber, haven’t you?”

Laughter erupted from both of them, because yeah, that was cheesy. The first Star Wars prequel had been on television the other night, and they’d spent three hours—and a lot of commercials—making fun of it. In the three weeks since coming clean about everything, they had spent as much of their free time together as possible. A few hours between shifts, sometimes an entire afternoon and evening. Shane’s hours at the deli varied, while Noel’s overnights stayed the same. With the big debt paid off and Shane dancing Monday night’s at Big Dick’s, he’d officially quit stripping. They not only had fantastic sex, but worked out together, cooked meals in Shane’s kitchen, and made each other laugh as often as possible.

Shane had never laughed so much in his life as he had these last few weeks.

They did their best and enjoyed every moment.

Like baking a cake in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon.

Shane glanced at the clock. Quarter to five. “I should probably start something for dinner. In the mood for anything?”

Noel’s wicked smile hinted at something non-food-like.

“Food,” Shane said. “For dinner, gutter brain.”

“I’ve got a gutter brain? I’m not the one who made a dirty joke about the chocolate cake batter smeared on my cheek.”

“Who did what?” He couldn’t quite keep the innocent face going. “Me?”

“You’re trouble.”

“Yes, I know, but we still need dinner.”

Noel dropped a firm kiss on his mouth, then released him to look inside the fridge. “You’ve got a rotisserie chicken in there.”

“It’s only half left, not enough for three of us.” He could turn it into something else, though. “Bring it out.”

Noel deposited the chicken container on the counter. Shane rummaged in the freezer for a bag of frozen mixed vegetables. He showed Noel how to break down the rest of the chicken, and then they threw together a quick stir-fry. By the time Jason’s truck rumbled in the driveway, they had a bowl of rice and the chicken stir-fry on the table, ready to go. The cake was pretty cool, so they could tackle that after they ate.

“Hey, guys.” Jason ambled into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway. “Smells good.”

“There’s enough for three,” Shane said. He inspected Jason, as had become his habit, for signs of extra stress or fatigue. He’d admitted to two more incidents with the ICD over the last three weeks, but overall had been feeling fine. And he looked okay today.

“Thanks, but I’m picking up Elizabeth at seven,” Jason said, grinning.

“Big date?”

“One month anniversary.”

Shane resisted the urge to high-five his brother. “Nice.”

“I thought you guys had been seeing each other longer than that?” Noel asked.

“Seeing each other, yes,” Jason replied. “But it’s been a month since we made it official.”

“Got it.”

“So are you staying over, or should I make myself scarce tonight?” Shane asked.

Jason grinned. “I’m staying at her place.”

“You dog.”

“Pot meet kettle.”

“And proud of it.”

They both laughed. Jason excused himself to take a shower, so Shane and Noel sat down to eat.

“Not to bring up an odd subject,” Noel said, “but what’s our anniversary? We’ve stopped and started so many times.”

Shane turned that one over in his head. It had been more than two and half months since Noel very literally walked into his life. Their first date had been a week later. Then almost another month before they spoke again. What a tangled mess. “The tenth of this month,” Shane finally said. “When we got back together for real, all bullshit and secrets aside.”

“So our one month is a week from tomorrow.”

“Yes it is.” Shane reached across the table. Noel clasped his hand, palm to palm. “We’ve finally set a sustainable record.”

“Yes we have, which means I need to get really creative with how we celebrate.”

“Creative, huh?” Shane’s gut curled with arousal. “Will your creativity require a safe word?”

Noel’s nostrils flared. “Do you want it to?”

“Maybe.” Shane loved pushing their limits in bed, and so far imagination and ingenuity had led to a lot of pleasure for both of them. And a level of intimacy and trust that Shane had never shared with someone before.

Say it. Tell him.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Noel said.

Shane fought back a woody at the gruff promise in Noel’s words. He could control himself for another forty-five minutes or so, until Jason left. Then he was going to jump Noel. They still hadn’t managed kitchen sex, and after spending a few hours in there cooking today, it felt like the appropriate place to be bent over and fucked.

“Stop that,” Noel said.

“What?”

“Thinking dirty thoughts. I can see them dancing in your eyes.”

“Sorry, babe, it’s hard not to when you’re right in front of me.”

“No sex until we’ve iced the cake.”

Shane laughed, and it took Noel a few seconds to catch the innuendo. He flung a few grains of rice at Shane’s head. “You can make anything dirty, can’t you?”

“Anything except you. You were dirty when we met, and thank God for that.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and Noel chuckled.

They behaved themselves long enough to finish eating, put the leftovers into a container and do the dishes. Shane used every opportunity to touch Noel. A brush of elbow. Nudge of hips. He’d never get tired of having him close by.

Say it, you wuss.

Shane checked the cake. Perfectly cool. He dug a spatula out of the utensil drawer, then handed it and the icing to Noel. “Have at it.”

Noel stared at the two items. “Gee, thanks.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll supervise.”

“You’re too kind.” Noel removed the cap on the icing tub. He had slightly more trouble with the foil seal, and Shane tried not to giggle too much.

He glanced at the microwave. Surprise jolted him. Ten until seven. Jason was going to be late. Shane ducked his head to look through the living room to the hallway. Come to think of it—“Did you hear the water running earlier?”

“What?” Noel looked up from the glob of icing he was trying to smear.

“The shower.” The trailer was small enough that he could usually hear the water running from the kitchen, unless the television was too loud.

Anxiety knotted his stomach. Shane moved without much thought, out of the kitchen, past his room, the open bathroom door, to Jason’s room at the end of the hall. The door was shut. He knocked. “Jay? You’re going to be late.”

The silence kicked his anxiety up to full-on panic. He turned the plastic knob with trembling fingers. Pushed the cheap door open. Stepped inside. Spotted the body sprawled on the bed on his side, one hand still angled up, over his heart.

He’s asleep. He’s asleep. He’s asleep. He’s asleep. Fuck.

“Jason?”

Another step closer.

“Jason?”

Shane couldn’t move any closer. Couldn’t reach out and touch. Touching would make it real. This wasn’t real, it was a nightmare. He needed to wake up.

“Jo?” Noel behind him.

No, no, no, Noel will make it real. This isn’t happening.

“Oh shit.” Noel brushed past him.

He pushed Jason onto his back. Pressed two fingers to his wrist. Then to his throat.

“Jo, call 9-1-1,” Noel said.

Shane shook his head. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything except wait to wake up. He closed his eyes, shutting out the sight of his boyfriend crouching over his brother. When he opened his eyes again, Jason would tell him to get out of his room, that he was running late and he had to go meet Elizabeth.

“This is Officer Noel Carlson, I need an ambulance at two-forty Naylor Street for a possible heart attack.” Pause. “No, no pulse.”

Shane’s heart tripped. Something hot rose up in his throat, like bile, and he tamped it down. Nothing about this was fucking real.

“Okay, thank you.”

Why was Noel still talking on the phone? If he didn’t stop, Jason wouldn’t be okay.

Weird sounds made Shane open his eyes. Something wet spilled down his cheeks. Noel was doing CPR, precise, controlled. A good cop helping someone.

Jason isn’t breathing. Please God, don’t take him from me. PLEASE.

“Please,” Shane gasped.

He didn’t move until a paramedic nudged him out of the way. The pair of them, nameless, faceless, took over and then Noel was by his side, holding him while Shane shattered a little bit more. He couldn’t look away while they loaded Jason onto a gurney. Put a plastic cup over his mouth and squeezed a bag. Tried to get him to breathe just like Noel had, while Shane stood there like an impotent fool.

Noel got him moving behind the gurney. Kept him on his feet. Put them both in the back of the ambulance. Held him close while the ambulance rocked around them. The paramedic never stopped with that squeezy-bag, but his face. His face said it all.

Shane couldn’t look at Jason. He was too pale, too still, like that first day in the hospital. Would he be scared when he woke up this time? Like before? Scared and exhausted and defeated? Didn’t matter, because Shane would be there. He’d get them both through this, like he did before, no matter what.

He’ll be fine. He has to be. I need him.

Jason’s phone rang somewhere. Noel found it. Silenced it, because what was he supposed to say to someone right now?

The hospital confused him. Too much noise. Too many people. Noel stuck close, his true north, the only thing that made any sense in the chaos. They stood apart from the action, while paramedics spewed words and doctors gave orders. Noel tried to answer questions, because Shane didn’t understand them.

A heart monitor screamed a steady, uninterrupted line, and that finally penetrated Shane’s fogged state. “Please,” he said. “Please, don’t let him die.”

Noel’s arm tightened around his waist.

They gave him drugs. They shocked him. The line remained.

A woman in a lab coat came over. He knew her. Dr. McDonald. She saved Shane the first time. She had to save him again.

“I’m so sorry, Jody,” she said.

She can’t be sorry. She needs to save him.

“What else can you do?” Shane asked. “Please.”

“Jason had a massive heart attack, son. I’m sorry, but he died.”

“No, he didn’t. You have to keep trying.”

“We did everything we could, but Jason was probably gone before the ambulance arrived.”

No. No. This isn’t happening. He wasn’t lying in their dying while I was flirting with Noel. NO.

“But…” Shane had no buts. He didn’t believe it.

He ripped away from Noel and ran to the gurney. Grabbed Jason’s cool hand and squeezed. His skin was too pale, too chilled. He touched Jason’s face, a little stubbled, far too thin. He’d been so happy an hour ago, eager for his date. How was this where it all ended? It couldn’t end like this, damn it.

“Please, don’t leave,” Shane whispered. “Please, Jason, come back.”

More wetness coated his cheeks. His eyes stung, and his throat tightened. He leaned over and pressed his lips to Jason’s cool forehead. Little drops of moisture dotted Jason’s face. Shane wiped them away.

“I’ll give you a few minutes,” Dr. McDonald said.

A few minutes to do what? Say goodbye? Fuck that.

Shane bolted. He ignored the surprised shouts, the demands to wait. He ran through the emergency room, seeking an exit. Any exit. He had to get away. Far away, before it really settled in and he had to accept it. Accept that Jason wasn’t coming home. Accept that for all of his love and loyalty and sacrifice, Jason had died at the age of thirty-two, right when he was on the cusp of having the life he’d always deserved.

Accept that Shane had to find a way to do the impossible: live in a world without his big brother in it.

Noel had been too stunned by Shane’s abrupt departure to follow immediately, and by the time he made it outside, Shane was gone. He searched the parking lot and the grounds, his vision occasionally blurred by tears. He was struggling with his own grief over Jason’s sudden death, but more than that, he was grieving for Shane.

Shane had never looked so young, so scared as he had in Jason’s bedroom. He’d been in a haze of denial, unable to do anything except as directed. And then he’d been shattered by Dr. McDonald’s announcement. Noel had seen the heartbreak in his eyes, the devastation a living thing that had curled its fierce grip around Noel’s own heart.

Jason’s phone rang again. Elizabeth.

Noel’s insides shook. He’d never delivered this sort of bad news before, but he couldn’t ignore her forever. He wasn’t that cruel. So he answered. “Elizabeth? This is Noel Carlson.”

A long pause. “Why are you answering Jason’s phone? Did something happen?”

They’d met a handful of times, and even had dinner as a quartet once. He hated himself for what he was about to do her. “Jason had a massive heart attack this evening. He’s…I’m sorry, but he didn’t survive.”

“What?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“But…” Her voice broke. “Where?”

“The hospital. It happened a few minutes ago.”

“Oh God.” Her soft sobs made Noel’s chest ache. “Does Shane know?”

“He was there with me.”

“Was?”

“He ran off. I need to find him.”

“Sure. I’m…God.”

“I’m so sorry, Elizabeth.”

They hung up. Noel used his own phone to call Shane, unsure if Shane even had his phone on him. Either way, it rang until voicemail picked up. “Jo, please call me when you can. Don’t run away from me right now, okay?” He nearly ended the message with “I love you” but this wasn’t the most appropriate time to first say it.

The hospital was several miles outside of Stratton, and neither of them had a car. Shane would have to walk to wherever he was going, and he had a head start. Noel went back into the E.R. and got a cab company number from the nurse at the check-in desk. She was all sympathetic smiles, and while Noel hated leaving Jason alone, Shane was more important. Shane’s brother had just died, and he wasn’t the most rational person when he was hurting.

He had to find Shane before he did something irreversible.

The cab took a lifetime to show up, and it cost way too much for an eight-mile ride, but they were in the suburbs, so Noel paid it. No sign of Shane on the road. He checked his place first without expecting anything. Left a note on the door to call, and that he’d be checking in at the trailer.

Noel drove back along the route to the hospital, then down an alternate road. No luck. He tried the trailer, but it was empty, unlocked, the unfinished cake on the counter where he’d left it. Noel left Jason’s phone there and tried Shane’s again. It rang from the kitchen table, so Noel wrote a note asking Shane to call him as soon as possible.

He called Mineo’s and spoke with the owner. Explained what had happened and asked to be informed if Shane happened to show up. Agreed to pass along his condolences, even though sympathetic words were the last thing Shane would want to hear when Noel found him. Shane didn’t want to believe this had happened. After all, he’d run from it instead of staying and dealing with it.

Not that Noel blamed him. He was nowhere near as close to his siblings as Shane and Jason had been, but he couldn’t imagine losing one of them. Shane had survived so much, sacrificed so much. He didn’t deserve this.

He drove around Stratton for two hours, checking every place he could think of, including his own building twice, and the trailer one more time. So intent on finding Shane that he forgot the time until Benedict called him from the station. Noel explained what was happening.

“Damn, I’m sorry to hear that,” Benedict said.

“Me too.”

“I’ll clear it with the boss for you to take off. And I’ll keep my eyes open on patrol tonight.”

“Thanks, Wade.”

“Sure thing, pal. Good luck.”

His partnership with Benedict was back to normal, and while things at the station weren’t at one hundred percent, there hadn’t been any other pranks. Wade Benedict really was a good guy.

A little after midnight, Noel’s second check of the trailer found lights blazing. The simple sight unfurled some of the fear that had been clutching his heart since the hospital. He jammed into park. The door wasn’t locked. He found Shane on the couch, curled around a pillow, vacant eyes staring at a blank television. He didn’t react to Noel’s arrival.

“Oh, babe, you scared the hell out of me,” Noel said.

Nothing.

He crouched in front of Shane, directly in his line of sight. “What do you need? Anything, just tell me.”

Shane’s eyelids fluttered. “Go away.”

“Not a chance. You’re hurting too much right now, and I’m not leaving you alone.”

“Please. I can’t.”

Noel reached out, but Shane flinched away, and yeah, that hurt. “Can’t what?”

“He’ll be home soon.”

“Who will?”

“Jason. It was just a bad dream, and he’ll be home soon, so you need to go away.”

Noel’s heart twisted with grief. “Oh, baby, he’s not coming home.”

Anger glazed in Shane’s eyes an instant before he attacked. Noel was flat on his back with hands pressing on his shoulders, Shane straddling his waist. Snarling down at him, face red and wild. “Yes, he is! Yes, he fucking is coming home!”

“Jason is dead, Jo. I know it hurts but it’s real.”

“No.” He balled his hands in Noel’s shirt and leaned down. Tears filled his eyes, not quite spilling over. “No. This isn’t how it ends. It’s too fucking soon.”

“I know it is. It’s not fair.”

“Should’ve been me.”

“Stop saying that.” Noel grabbed Shane’s wrists and squeezed. “You don’t deserve to die any more than Jason did.”

“Yes, I do. I’m a killer.”

Noel ached for Shane’s misery and pain. “Babe, you didn’t kill Jason.”

“I killed Thom.”

“Telling on someone who’s abusing you isn’t the same as killing them, no matter how it turned out.”

Shane leaned in, his anger and self-loathing a horrible, twisted mask that filled Noel’s vision. “Jason lied for me. He protected me like he always did, and now he’s dead, and it should have been me. All of it should have been me, because I did it.”

Noel tried to sit up, but Shane wasn’t budging. His insides rolled with trepidation. “What do you mean Jason lied? About what?”

Tears spilled from Shane’s eyes and splashed Noel’s cheeks. “He lied to the police, to the judge, to everyone who asked. We both lied.” A harsh noise tore from his throat. “He was choking Jason. I couldn’t let him kill Jason, so I found the wood and I hit Thom in the head. I killed him.”

The world flipped itself upside down, and for a moment, nothing made sense. Noel’s ears roared with disbelief, with anger and with shock. He didn’t want to believe it, but even in his deepest moments of grief, Shane wouldn’t make this up. It was too…believable. The final piece to the puzzle that was the incredibly strong bond between the brothers.

Ten-year-old Shane killed their stepfather. Eighteen-year-old Jason lied and said he did it. Young and scared, two brothers had made a decision to hide the truth. Jason went to prison because he had believed it was the only way to protect Shane.

The enormity of the sacrifice made Noel’s heart flip. “Oh baby,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“No!” Shane lurched away, scrambling to the far side of the living room.

Noel sat up, careful and slow, aware the wrong move or comment could destroy Shane. He was fragile, exposed, a raw nerve of emotion to be handled with extreme care and love.

“You aren’t supposed to be sorry for me,” Shane said, so lost and angry. “Be sorry for Jason. He was eighteen, starting his life, and he went to prison. Real prison with violent criminals, and he didn’t do a fucking thing wrong except love me and lie. And I was too young and stupid to do anything except go along with the lie. He promised me everything would be okay.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks. Shane cast around the trailer, seeking answers or validation, Noel didn’t know. “Why did he do that? Why did he go to prison for me? All I’ve ever done is cause him grief.”

Noel swallowed hard against a rising tide of his own tears. He had to be strong for Shane, to get him through this. Then he could deal with the secret that had landed in his lap. “Jason loved you. He protected you because he’s your big brother, and I don’t believe for a second that he ever regretted the decision to lie for you. He’d lay down in traffic for you, Jo.”

“I know.” Shane sobbed, his body shaking. “It hurts so much.”

As Shane broke down, Noel inched across the carpet until he was close enough to wrap Shane up in his arms and hold tight. Shane shattered then, sobbing long and loud and bitterly against Noel’s chest. Noel let his own tears flow freely too. He rocked with the force of Shane’s grief, drawing on every last ounce of strength he had to keep Shane together.

Noel loved him too much to do anything else.