The combination of his ringing phone and someone pressing the doorbell roused Shane from a perfectly awful sleep. Awareness chased away the remnants of his bad dreams. He scrambled for his phone, knocked it off the shelf above his bed, and the damned thing bounced off the side of his head.

Great start to the day. Fucking great.

His mood soured further. Noel’s name lit up the screen. He hit Ignore and tossed the phone onto the foot of the bed. The doorbell was still going, so he reluctantly got up. It wouldn’t stop unless he did, and he was too fucking exhausted to tolerate the noise. He’d barely slept the last two days thanks to Noel.

He opened the front door in the shorts he’d slept in, not caring who saw him like that. Until the face staring at him through the screen door was Noel’s, and he woke the fuck up for real.

“What do you want?” Shane snapped.

“I want you to punch me in the face,” Noel said.

“Huh?” Shane stared because his hearing was obviously going wonky. “You want me to what?”

“Punch me, or yell at me, or whatever it takes for you to finally talk to me.”

“I asked for space and you gave me two whole days? How generous of you.”

“Jason came to see me.”

Shane might have fallen over if he hadn’t still been gripping the doorknob. “Why?”

“To help me see things from your perspective. To show me what an asshole I was and how badly I broke your trust, because I didn’t really understand before.”

“And you think you do now?”

“I think I understand better. I did something unforgiveable in the name of my job, and I am so sorry for how much I hurt you.”

Even with the nylon screen between them, Shane saw the pain in Noel’s eyes. He didn’t have a great poker face, and the truth of his words shined through. Shane believed he was sorry. Forgiveness took more effort, though.

“You can come inside,” Shane said.

He sat in the armchair to prevent Noel from getting too close. His proximity was like a drug Shane couldn’t quit. The same rush he always got when he saw Noel had returned, drawing him to the man who’d hurt him so badly, and Shane hated himself for that weakness. He’d missed Noel. He would never say so out loud, but he had.

Noel perched on the edge of the couch nearest Shane, hands clasped tightly in his lap.

“Look, I actually do get why you did what you did,” Shane said. “You made a cop’s call, and I can respect that. But I told my boyfriend about the assault, not a cop. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, ever, not even Jason, but you were there and I wanted you to know.”

“And I shit all over that.”

“Yeah. It scares me to death, Noel. What if I ever have another secret like that? God forbid something worse.” The fact that he did have a worse secret sat on his chest like a cold, dead weight. “How could I ever feel comfortable confiding in you again without wondering if you’ll turn me in?”

Noel’s face pinched, and his shoulders slumped. “Shane, I can’t promise anything related to my job, but these circumstances were unusual. You had information on a crime that could potentially prevent another similar crime from being committed. That’s not the same as telling me you stole a sweater from Target when you were a teenager.”

“So only certain secrets are fair game for not being kept?”

“If for any reason in the future you told me something that, if kept quiet, could lead to the physical harm of another person, yes. I couldn’t keep it. Cop or not, I’m not that guy. I don’t look away. I can’t.”

Noel’s diehard need to protect and save was one of the things Shane adored about him. It was also the thing driving them apart. “And I get that. You have a good heart. You deserve better than me.”

“But you’re the one I want, Shane. Neither of us is perfect and we knew that at the start.” Noel fell back against the cushions. “Maybe you deserve better than me. You deserve someone who won’t make you doubt your decision to trust them.”

But I want you, you asshole. So much.

He wanted him, but he couldn’t trust him. Where did that leave them?

“Do you want to try again?” Noel asked.

“Yes.” Shane didn’t stop to think before he replied. He didn’t connect to people as quickly as he’d connected to Noel, and he certainly didn’t share the worst parts of his past. What Noel did fucking hurt, and trusting Noel again terrified him—but not as much losing him now that he knew what he would have to live without.

“So let’s start again,” Noel said, as much a question as a suggestion. “Maybe slow things down. We started off with a bang, and things got intense really fast. Let’s do it differently, get to know each other again.”

Shane considered the compromise. Starting over, slowly, gave him time. Time to do his last video for Chet. Time to collect the paycheck that would clear his debt and allow Jason to breathe again. Time to come clean to both Jason and Noel, and if Noel took that secret straight to his cop friends, then at least Jason was safe.

And Shane would know what kind of man Noel really was.

“Okay,” Shane said.

Noel’s smile was brilliant and dimple-filled. “Yeah?”

“Yes. Slow start.”

“Great.” He looked like he wanted to bolt across the room and kiss him, and Shane wouldn’t have minded, except slow. “Well, then I have an idea for our first date. A very casual thing.”

Shane quirked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Dixie Foskey invited me to a Fourth of July barbecue at her house on Friday afternoon. If you aren’t working, would you like to go with me?”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t work that day.” The enormity of the invitation finally slapped Shane over the head. “Is this an as-friends thing, or will we be admitting to the date?”

“It’s a date. If people ask, that’s what I’ll say. I’m not in the closet anymore thanks to the gossip train, and I am not ashamed of you no matter your past.”

“Good.” After a pause, Shane added, “So how’s your week been otherwise?”

Noel gave a bark of bitter laughter. “It has sucked in a major way, knowing how badly I upset you. And this morning I found condoms and G-strings in my locker.”

His heart kicked with guilt. “Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Honestly, the stuff they put in there doesn’t bother me. It’s juvenile. It bothers me that my locker was broken into and my privacy was infringed upon. I mean, it’s breaking and entering in a damned police station.”

“That really sucks.”

“I know. I reported it but whatever. Nothing will come of it.”

“Doesn’t mean you won’t still be doubting your security there.”

Noel’s eyebrows arched. “That’s exactly it.”

“Don’t look so surprised. I pay attention when you talk. I know how important privacy and personal safety are to you.”

“Thank you. It means a lot that you get it.”

Shane didn’t know what to say to that so he didn’t say anything. He’d never felt this awkward with Noel, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that.

“I won’t monopolize your time,” Noel said. “I know you have to work in a little while.”

“Thank you for coming over here and forcing the issue. I think I was hoping I could ignore you until you went away, and we’d never have to discuss it again.”

“I don’t scare off easily.”

“I’m getting that.”

Shane walked him to the door, keeping a respectable distance so he didn’t reach out and grab Noel. Haul him into a kiss. Drop to his knees. Things he shouldn’t do because that wasn’t “taking it slow”. He wasn’t entirely sure how to take it slow.

“So Friday I’ll pick you up about ten minutes to three?” Noel asked.

“That’ll work.”

“Good.” Noel leaned a bit, then pulled back. “Um, I’ll see you then.”

“Definitely.”

Shane waited on the steps while Noel drove off, taking every second he was given until he was out of sight. The biggest obstacle between them was still there, hiding under a veil of ignorance that Shane was willing to leave in place as long as possible. Until he had no choice but to pull it off and reveal his dirty secret to his cop boyfriend—and then whatever happened after that was all Noel.

* * *

Waiting two whole days to see Shane again was an exercise in patience. Going slow had been Noel’s idea, and he supported it if that was what made Shane more comfortable. But damn if he didn’t wake up every day with a hard-on, missing Shane in his bed. Missing Shane period. His Thursday outing with Tristan felt off-balance without him there. Tristan also seemed to sense something was different. He didn’t remember details about Shane until he consulted his notebooks, but knew right away that Noel was seeing someone.

Déjà vu.

Tristan was more subdued than usual when Noel dropped him off at Benfield. Noel followed him back to his room, concerned by the change from smiling Tristan who’d enjoyed their day at Hershey Park, to the frowning, unhappy Tristan who plunked down on his bed.

“Talk to me,” Noel said. “What are you thinking about?”

“It’ll sound selfish.”

“You know I won’t judge you, Tris.”

Uncertain eyes met his. “I was thinking about how much these days out mean to me. That you’re the most important, only really consistent person in my life, and that I miss you when you’re gone.”

Noel approached the bed, overwhelmed by the blunt confession. Warmed by tender feelings. “How is any of that selfish?”

“Because I want something I can’t have.”

“Which is what?”

Tristan’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “You.”

“Oh honey.” Noel was speechless. And confused. They’d had a variation on this conversation the day Tristan kissed him, and of course Tristan didn’t remember. He was stuck in the past when they were best friends and occasional lovers, and everything was getting confused.

“I know things are different now, and I know we don’t live together in a crappy apartment with Billy and Chris, and I know you don’t love me that way, and I’m sorry.” Tristan swiped away a stray tear, his voice husky with emotion. “It’s just so fucking lonely here, and I get scared at night sometimes.”

He sat next to Tristan and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Tristan leaned into him, head lolling against his neck. “Do you have nightmares?”

“I’m not sure. Sometimes I wake up and I feel unsettled. I can’t find anything in my notebooks that explain it, so maybe it is bad dreams. Not like I’d remember them.”

“I know you’re lonely here, and that’s why we’re going out once a week. And I do think you’re getting better in a way. Call it your déjà vu sense, if you want, but you do know things. You’re aware and you’re smart, and you are the strongest person I know.”

Tristan sobbed once before he fell apart. Noel held him, unable to stop a few stray tears of his own. He didn’t love Tristan romantically, but he did love him. He was helpless to fix this for Tristan, and he hated feeling helpless about anything. He did the only thing he could, which was comfort Tristan until he quieted. Until the previous conversation drifted out of his conscious memory and left exhaustion in its place.

Noel did something he’d never done before in three years—he helped Tristan go through his nighttime routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth and changing for bed. With Tristan’s permission, Noel wrote notes about their evening, including Tristan’s confessions because Tristan deserved to remember those things.

“I’ll see you Sunday,” Noel said.

Tristan followed him to his room’s door, slippered feet shuffling on the linoleum. “Yeah. Sunday.”

“It’s going to be all right. And you know I don’t say that a lot, but I believe it.”

It wasn’t entirely true but it earned him a smile. “Night, Noel.”

“Night, Tris.”

Noel drove back to Stratton, terrified of the twenty hours still waiting between him and tomorrow’s barbecue. And seeing Shane. Nowhere near as terrified as he’d been driving over to see Shane the day before. That had been torture, not knowing if Shane would actually talk to him. It had turned out better than he deserved.

Some of that luck needed to start rubbing off on Tristan.

So to speak.

He napped. He read. He napped again, and when he woke up this time the sun had risen on Friday. After a long run, a hot shower and breakfast at Dixie’s Cup—which was decked out in spangles of red, white and blue for the holiday—he sent Shane a Can’t wait to see you text.

Almost right away Shane texted back a smiley face. Then— Me too.

Noel: Glad to hear it.

How’s Tristan?

Had a bad moment last night.

Noel’s phone rang a few seconds later. Shane. “Hey.”

“Hey back.” The concern in Shane’s voice made Noel’s heart thump. “What happened? Is he okay?”

He explained as best he could, careful not to frame Tristan in a bad light. No one was to blame for his attachment to Noel, and the last thing he wanted was for Shane to get jealous. But the fact that Shane had called him spoke volumes to Noel.

“He’s lucky to have you, you know,” Shane said.

“I’m glad he has me too. I just hate that he gets confused about what we are, and that his feelings are stronger than mine.”

“All you can do is what you’re doing, though. Be his friend, answer his questions, and reinforce what’s real.” A tiny amount of jealousy seemed to linger in those final few words.

And it delighted Noel. “You’re right.”

“I don’t think I heard you the first time. Can you repeat that?”

He chuckled. “You’re right, Shane.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Brat.”

Shane made a noise that had to be him blowing a raspberry at the phone. “Listen, I have to go, but I’ll see you around three.”

“See you then.”

Noel called Benfield, mostly to assuage his curiosity.

“Benfield Assisted Living, this is Caroline.”

He placed the same to a friendly face, freckled, red hair. Nice lady. “Hi, Caroline, this is Noel Carlson. Tristan’s friend.”

“Hello, Noel. What can I do for you?”

“I was just checking to see if Tristan had an okay night. He was upset for a while when I was visiting, and he’d mentioned the possibility of nightmares.”

“Let me check the night log for you. One sec.” Typing sounds kept him company. “I don’t have anything from the night staff. He must have had a quiet night.”

“Can you check to see if there are any logs showing nighttime outbursts?”

“That could take some time.”

“I know, and I know you have other things to do, but I’m concerned that he thinks he’s having nightmares. Could you look into it and call me back?”

“Sure, I can do that.”

Noel gave her his cell number, then thanked her and hung up. He was doing everything he could for Tristan, but it never felt like enough.