Noel limited his contact with Shane to text messages. It was the safest route for now. Phone calls would expose him to Shane’s voice, which would lead him to ask for a face-to-face, and a meeting would just fuck with his head. Noel needed space to figure this out, but he didn’t want to push Shane away. Zero contact was too painful.

He couldn’t explain it, but even Shane’s texts seemed more upbeat than they ever had. Jokes and memes and funny observations about his workday. Not quite the same somber Shane from before. The change was remarkable and wonderful. The ugliness Shane had been keeping inside him had finally metamorphosed into a gorgeous butterfly.

A butterfly Noel wanted to see again. To keep close and protect. For all of the hurt they’d tossed back and forth at each other, Noel believed they could get past it. He didn’t believe in soulmates, but he believed in connections, and he was connected to Shane on some deeper level that defied explanations. He was tired of hating the fact that Shane had done porn. Tired of resenting the men who’d been with him while they were seeing each other.

He couldn’t change it any more than he could change the scars on his chest. But maybe he could work through it. He spent half the day Thursday with Tristan, because Tristan begged off the afternoon. He seemed more exhausted than usual, but the nurses had no complaints or issues on record. Nothing unusual in his nighttime or daytime behavior. Tristan cited bad dreams and dropped the topic.

With his afternoon free, Noel went into cop mode and did a little digging. The only clue Shane had given him was the name Colby, and the sheer number of gay porn models—the word still felt strange but he didn’t want to keep cheapening what Shane had done—named Colby was staggering. Still, the Internet was an amazing thing, and after about an hour of digging—and seeing a lot of things he couldn’t un-see—he found Mean Green Boys.

He pulled up Colby’s profile, and his shirtless Shane smiled back at him, that sexy, Eros-come-to-life grin not quite lighting up his eyes. Not like it did when Shane smiled at him. The background information was all bullshit, but he’d included a quote at the end. Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Noel didn’t look at the other single photos. He knew everything about Shane’s body, more than anyone possibly knew about Colby’s. Curiosity drove him to another collection of stills, this from a film called Colby & Tony: Knock It Off. Tony. Not Gabe. Not the guy who’d been so nice to Noel and Tristan at the club. Just an actor on a set.

Ten photos in progression from start to finish, each one hotter than the last. Not only because Tony was hot as hell, and Colby was sex on two legs, but because of their expressions. Tony was intense and determined, while Colby was angry and…unwilling? The scene seemed like a battle between the two that the photos didn’t do justice.

The energy reminded him of how explosive he and Shane were in bed together. The constant push and pull, the insane need to drive the other further, harder. Wrestling for control sometimes, other times totally giving in. Noel’s dick twitched, getting into the porn before his brain caught up.

And wasn’t that the point? Colby was a ghost. A character in a few films. He wasn’t Shane. Colby wasn’t real, and maybe he had inhabited Shane’s body for a while, but now he only existed onscreen.

He clicked to the next movie, the next set of stills. Colby was topping a kid named Boomer, and he was nailing him to the floor. Noel squeezed his thickening erection through his jeans, knowing full well how it felt to be tossed around and manhandled by the man with the dark hair and blazing eyes. And how much he missed it.

Noel had dialed before he realized it.

“Hey.” Shane’s surprise and delight was infectious, and it made Noel smile. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” More than good. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

“That’s something I’ll never get tired of hearing.”

Noel chuckled. “I know it’s last minute, but are you busy tonight?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Do you want to come over? I really want to see you. Talk.”

“Definitely. You want me to bring dinner?”

“Sure, that sounds good.”

“I’ll swing by Mineo’s and pick us up a pizza. That okay?”

“It’s perfect. See you around five thirty?”

“I’ll be there. Hey, Noel?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve missed you.”

“Me too. See you soon.”

Noel had almost two hours to kill before Shane showed up. He pushed his jeans and boxers down and off, fisted his cock with his left hand, and proceeded to browse the rest of Colby’s photo album. He hadn’t jerked off to Internet porn like this since he was in college, and some of that old thrill came back. It tingled in his balls. His dry palm wasn’t the most comfortable thing, so he fished out the bottle of lube he’d invested in a few weeks ago, before everything with Shane began to implode.

The next two sets were Colby topping other guys. Gorgeous guys, but Colby was the center of his attention. His blood heated as he stroked his cock, imagining Colby’s long, uncut dick invading his own ass. Stretching him. Pounding him to climax.

The threesome photos had Noel jerking his cock with hard, firm tugs, because damn they were hot. Colby was hot. On all fours, sucking Boomer’s cock while Tony fucked him. If the photos were that intense, the video had to be incendiary, because Colby never lost that forceful anger that saturated every movie. Every still frame. Noel went through that series slowly, admiring all of the models, not just his favorite.

Last set. Another threesome. Noel tightened his fist, his balls drawing up, the skin on his cock tight, almost painful. Release so close it rippled under his skin, in his belly. Demanding to get out. He skipped ahead, landing on a shot of Tony bent over the arm of a couch, sucking a blond man’s cock, while Colby bore into him from behind.

It took him over the edge. Noel thrust into his fist, the glide slicked by his own come as pleasure rippled through him. Prickling his skin. Leaving him sated and embarrassed. He’d masturbated to his boyfriend’s porn, and now said boyfriend was coming over for dinner so Noel could admit that to him.

Did that make him kinky or downright twisted? Noel studied the profile of the dark-haired man on screen. That was up for Shane to decide.

* * *

By the time Shane knocked on Noel’s door, he was a bundle of nerves. The phone call and invitation had fueled that tiny flicker of hope into a blazing torch deep inside of him, and he’d allowed it to burn there all afternoon. Noel hadn’t sounded upset. He’d actually sounded optimistic and happy, and Shane prayed silently that it meant Noel was ready to move past the porn. To give them another chance.

Noel opened the door, all dazzling smiles and dimples, and that torch flared brighter. “Hey you.”

“Hi.” Shane clutched the pizza box in both hands, a purposeful barrier between them so he didn’t reach out and rush things. “I brought Hawaiian. I’m pretty sure you said you liked that.”

“I do, thanks. Come in.”

Shane deposited the pizza box on the small table next to an open laptop. The screensaver wasn’t up, and Shane told himself he wasn’t prying because it was on and facing out. Still, he froze when he recognized the image, his insides twisting up tight. The torch dimmed.

Him and Tony from their first shoot.

What the actual hell?

He turned slowly, warily. Noel stood an arm’s reach away, his body relaxed in a way that didn’t translate to his face. He wasn’t troubled, exactly. More like apprehensive, and Shane shared that feeling.

“I’ve thought a lot about that this week,” Noel said, tilting his head at the laptop. “Today’s the first time I went looking for it.”

“Why?” Shane didn’t understand why Noel would torture himself like that. Shane wouldn’t even look at the Mean Green website.

“I was curious about Colby.”

“Colby?”

“Yes, the man who made those movies. Because I know you pretty well, Shane, and that guy on screen is not you. He shared your body for a while, but he’s not you. He’s not the guy I’ve been with these last two months.”

The torch brightened again. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I understand why you became Colby, and I understand why you lied. I’m also saying I don’t want this to tear us apart.”

“Really?” Shane hadn’t meant to squeak the word out. He cleared his throat and tried again. “You mean it?”

“I do. I know we’ve been not-together more than we’ve been together since we met, but when we are together it’s amazing. We fit really well when we’re not pushing each other away, and I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want us to go forward with a clean slate.”

Shane waved his hand at the porn still. “Even though that’ll never be wiped away for good?”

Noel stepped closer and cupped his right cheek. “Even though.”

Joy and relief bubbled up inside Shane so fast and furious they burst out in a peel of delighted laughter. He tugged Noel against him. Wrapped an arm around his waist and captured his mouth. Noel opened for him, his tongue thrusting to meet Shane’s, their lips seeking, pressing, and holy God, Shane had missed this. Missed the taste of Noel, the slide of his tongue, the heat of his arms around him. Hands in his hair. Holding his neck.

So good.

Shane missed the part where they actually moved, but not the part when his back hit the wall. Noel’s groin pressed into his, a thickening erection sending happy signals to Shane’s dick. Shane shoved his hands down the back of Noel’s jeans, delighted to find no underwear in the way of his grabbing Noel’s ass. Noel groaned into his mouth and thrust his hips harder. Oh yeah, he loved getting those sudden, honest reactions from Noel. Loved making him nuts.

Noel ripped his mouth away, panting, lips wet. “I jerked off looking at stills from your movies.”

Shane’s surprise downshifted to lust in the space of a heartbeat. Pure lust that heated his blood and made his chest ache with need. “They turned you on?”

“Colby was really fucking hot, but you’re turning me on now, Jody McShane.”

Something primal roared to life inside Shane. The need to claim Noel as his, and to have Noel claim him in return. “We’re fucking tonight, right?”

“Hell yes, we are.”

“Good. I’m gonna rim you open, then fuck you,” he growled. Noel’s eyes went wide, and he gasped. “You aren’t going to come, because after I come in your ass, you’re going to fuck mine. Understand?”

Noel gaped at him, the hunger in his eyes answer enough. Without a word, he broke away. Fetched condoms and a bottle of lube from his bedside table. “Where?”

“Take your clothes off and put your hands against the wall right behind where I’m standing.”

Holy shit, that face.

Noel couldn’t have looked more turned on if Shane was sucking him off while finger-fucking him. He stripped slowly, giving Shane a show, revealing inch after inch of smooth, tan skin. Hard-won muscles. Scars that were proof of life. A thick cock that hung low, red, so enticing. Shane licked his lips. He moved so Noel could place his palms flat to the wall, his feet apart, back arched a few degrees. On display for Shane, and fuck if he’d ever looked more gorgeous.

Shane grabbed a condom and the lube. He put them on the table within reach, then tugged his T-shirt off. Smoothed his palms across Noel’s back, warming the skin he then woke up with firmer drags of his fingernails. Faint marks stayed behind as blood rose to the surface, and Noel shivered. Shane dropped gently to his knees, used his thumbs to spread Noel’s cheeks. Displaying him for Shane’s use. He pressed his lips to Noel’s puckered opening in a one-sided kiss that earned a long, low groan from Noel. He worked the tight muscle with his lips and tongue, savoring the flavors of soap and musk. Loving that Noel had taken the time to shower before Shane showed up.

He anticipated this, the kinky bastard.

Noel was not keeping quiet, either. Pants and gasps and muttered words, sprinkled with “Fuck, so good,” and “oh yes, oh God,” until he softened enough for Shane’s tongue to push inside. Into intense heat and spice. Noel cried out, pushed back, asking for more. Shane’s thumbs pulled at his hole, giving his tongue as much room as he could to stab inside. To work Noel into a shaking mess, while Shane’s chest and balls ached with his own arousal. His own need to do something about it.

Shane stood up, and Noel whined in protest. He ignored Noel and shoved his jeans and briefs down. Not off, only low enough on his hips so Noel would feel it. Know Shane wasn’t totally naked. He gloved up, slicked up, then pressed his cock against Noel’s heat.

“Fuck me, Jody, please,” Noel said.

“Yeah, baby.”

Shane shoved inside on a long, hot glide that had his balls tingling with his release too soon. Noel’s fingers scrabbled against the wall, finding no purchase. He thrust backward, into Shane’s intrusion, demanding it. Fighting for it. Shane clamped his right hand on Noel’s shoulder, his left on his hip, and angled Noel lower. His cock sank deeper.

“So good,” Shane said.

Noel glanced over his shoulder, his cheeks blazing. “Ride me, cowboy.”

He did, thrusting into Noel in long, hard slams that slapped their balls together. Hips smacked Noel’s ass, skin on skin the only sound in the room besides Noel’s harsh breathing and Shane’s panting gasps. They both knew this one was for Shane, and Shane took his pleasure. Perfect heat dragged along his cock, milking his orgasm, driving him closer to the brink. He wanted it to last but he also wanted Noel inside him, using him, taking what he wanted for his own pleasure.

Claiming him as his.

“Come on, cowboy,” Noel panted. He pushed back, fucking himself as much as Shane fucked him. “Come in me.”

One day I’ll fill up your ass for real.

The promise flooded him with images of fucking Noel bare, dumping his load, watching it trickle back out of Noel’s well-fucked hole.

“Fuck!” Shane thrust hard, deep, his orgasm tearing through him. Pleasure shot down his spine, out his balls, spinning through his entire body. Noel clamped down, and Shane swore he saw stars. He definitely lost the ability to communicate clearly.

He stumbled back. Noel turned quickly and caught him in a searing kiss, tongue thrusting while a hand stripped the condom from Shane’s deflating cock. He jerked him once, and Shane yelped because damn he was sensitive. And floaty. Very floaty. Noel kissed him over to the bed, then shoved him onto his back. Yanked his clothes the rest of the way off. He stood between Shane’s spread legs, a golden god, his hard cock glistening with precome.

“I’m all yours, baby,” Shane said.

“Oh I know you are.” The possessiveness in Noel’s voice sent shivers down his spine. Noel gazed at him with hunger in his eyes, but didn’t pounce. He was considering something.

Shane needed Noel inside him, so he decided to help out. He sucked his finger until it was coated with spit, lifted his hips a little, and pressed that finger against his hole. First a tease that felt so good. Then harder, until it burst inside to the first knuckle. The intrusion ached in the best way, a little fast, maybe not enough spit, but Shane pushed deeper. Thrust a little. In and out.

Noel watched, his pupils blown, desire etched in every detail of his lovely face. He grabbed the lube and squirted some on Shane’s second finger. “Now two.”

Insides clenching with need even though he’d already come once, Shane withdrew the single finger, smeared the lube onto both, then penetrated himself. Slowly, because it burned. Burned so perfectly and hotly that he wanted it to be Noel’s cock, not his own fingers, but this was so dirty. Fucking himself on his fingers while Noel watched.

God, this man. This filthy, amazing man. I could love him.

I do love him.

The realization popped his eyes wide, but he didn’t say it. Not like this.

Shane had both fingers in almost to the second knuckle when Noel said, “Stop. Stay still, okay?”

He did, trusting Noel. Noel knelt between his legs, low enough that Shane couldn’t see. Could only sense the heat of him by his thighs. Could only feel a slicked finger prodding around his opening, and holy fuck he was getting hard again. Noel nudged at Shane’s fingers, and slowly, so fucking slowly, he worked his finger in alongside Shane’s. Shane shouted, so full. Too much. Not enough. More.

Noel licked his balls, his taint, his thighs, dampening skin, sending pleasure pinballing through Shane’s body. And then he was gone. Shane babbled something incoherent, hating the emptiness in his ass, the loss of Noel’s heat and the safety it brought. Strong hands hauled him onto his stomach. Noel straddled his thighs, planted one hand next to Shane’s head, and used the other to pry his cheeks apart. Blunt heat pressed at his opening, and Shane screamed into the mattress as Noel pushed inside. The pressure of the position was intense, probably even more so for Noel. He gave a few shallow thrusts, working himself in, deeper and harder, until he was fucking Shane with unbridled intensity.

Shane lay there, letting Noel use him, eager for him to find his release. His body ached and sang and he took it all, grateful for it, because Noel was still his. And they were still together, and he loved Noel, even if he couldn’t say it.

Noel pressed his entire body down, covering Shane in sweaty heat. Wrapped an arm beneath Shane to clutch at his chest. Shane turned his head, meeting Noel in a messy sideways kiss. Noel rolled his hips, moving inside him. Claiming him.

So good. So fucking good.

With a ragged noise, Noel sat up and withdrew. Shane anticipated a position change. Instead, he got the snap of latex, then the slap of skin on skin. A moment later, Noel shouted. Shane savored the tickle of Noel’s come splattering on his skin, branding him as Noel’s. Noel traced a finger across his back, smearing the come, then crashed back down on top of Shane, sealing them together with semen and sweat.

Heads facing each other, panting breaths warming the other’s face, Shane had never felt more alive. More protected. More wanted than in that moment. Noel gazed at him like he hung the moon and stars, and Shane felt the same way. He hoped Noel saw it in his eyes too.

He hoped his eyes said I love you the way Noel said it with his.

“Hey, Noel?” he whispered.

“Yeah, cowboy?”

“From now on, you can call me Jo.”

Noel grinned. “Okay. Jo.”

I’m back. Thanks to him. I’m back.

* * *

Noel lay awake long after Shane drifted off, unable to stop looking at him. Taking in all of the tiny details as he slept. The dark stubble he probably hadn’t shaved in days that had left a delicious abrasion on Noel’s face and backside. The tiny crescent scar high on his right cheekbone. The utter relaxation of his entire body—something Noel couldn’t remember seeing before. Shane had always been wound tight, on edge, ready to snap. Now that he’d exorcised the dark demons ravaging his soul, a happier Jody McShane had been left to shine in the light.

The alarm clock mocked him with two a.m. Despite a full stomach of cold pizza and another long round of vigorous sex, Noel wasn’t tired. He’d never felt more energized. He had taken a sick day so he didn’t have to send Shane away tonight. Noel had only ever called off once before, and that had been for a legitimate case of food poisoning.

There was a reason he didn’t eat shrimp anymore.

Shane was sprawled on his stomach, head angled toward Noel. Shane snuffled, then turned away, resettling as sleep kept hold. Noel slid closer, thankful for the warm room, because they’d crawled into bed naked and only pulled the sheet to their waists.

Noel skated featherlight fingertips across Shane’s bare back. Some of the scratches from round two were still red, still present. Pride warmed Noel’s chest.

Somehow he’d lucked into a gorgeous, caring man who enjoyed rough, somewhat kinky sex. Noel could make do with vanilla “suck and then fuck” sex, but sex with Shane was an adventure. He’d never been with a guy so impatient to be fucked that he started fingering himself before Noel could get there. Watching Shane take two of his own fingers, then the wide-eyed holy shit when Noel added a third—no words. Arousal prickled at his skin with the memory, and he beat back the need to do it all over again.

They had time on their side.

Shane tensed, muscles going rigid beneath Noel’s touch. He paused his manual appreciation of Shane’s back. Shane muttered. His head jerked once, and then he startled away, rising up from the bed on his elbows. Panting.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Noel said.

Wide eyes blinked at him in the gloomy light. Eyes that warmed with recognition, even as the last ghosts of his dream fled. “Hey. Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Can’t fall asleep. Did you have a nightmare?”

Shane rolled onto his side, facing Noel. Somehow their hands found each other, and Shane’s grip was iron-tight. “Yeah. I don’t always remember them, but this was pretty fucking clear.”

“Want to tell me about it?”

He hesitated. “I was in the E.R., or something like it, and a nurse told me you were in a bad accident, and they weren’t sure if they could save you.”

Noel untangled one of his hands and skimmed up and down Shane’s arm, trying to sooth away the fears.

“And then they said Jason was dying in the next room,” Shane replied, his voice getting tight. “They said your heart was a match, and if they let you die, then they could save Jason. I had to choose which one of you they saved, and I kept telling them I couldn’t choose, that they had to save you both.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry.”

“Jason’s getting worse.”

Noel’s hand jerked, and his heart kicked. “What?”

“He told me Sunday morning when I went home. The ICD has zapped him more than once, and his heart isn’t getting better. They’re trying different meds, but they don’t know…anything. He’s on a transplant list.”

“I’m so sorry, babe.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it? Hoping and praying that some other person dies so that Jason can live. Is that morbid?”

“It’s human. You want your brother to live a long, happy life. There’s nothing morbid about that.”

Shane exhaled a long gust of air. “I wish it was all happening to me.”

Noel was pretty freaking glad it wasn’t happening to Shane, but he understood where the comment was coming from. “That’s natural. It’s hard to see someone you love hurting. You want to take the pain away and save them from it.”

“Yeah.” Shane scooted closer and tucked his head under Noel’s chin, their bodies close, touching all over. Noel slung an arm across his waist. “So we’re together now? Really together?”

“God I hope so.”

“Are we still taking it slow?”

Noel snickered. “I think that went out the window the moment you decided to fuck me with your pants on. Which was really hot, by the way.”

“Good. Maybe one day I’ll fuck you with all of my clothes still on.”

Anticipation danced up his spine. “Jo, I want to ask you something I asked once before.”

“All right.”

“Are we exclusive? No one else but you and me?”

Shane kissed his chest, then raised his head high enough to look at him. Delight sparkled in his dark eyes. “Yes. I do not want to kiss, suck, fuck, finger, or get down and dirty with anyone but you, Noel Carlson. I promise.”

Noel kind of loved how he’d phrased that—the perfect commitment vow. “I also do not want to kiss, suck, fuck, finger, or get down and dirty with anyone but you, Jody McShane. I promise.”

They sealed their vows with a long, lazy kiss that only woke Noel up more. Then his stomach betrayed him by rumbling loudly. Shane chuckled, fingers skated over his abdomen.

“Hungry?”

“A little,” Noel said.

“Then how about we both shower and hit up Dixie’s Cup for some food?”

Noel nipped his chin. “That requires getting out of bed.”

“Yes it does. For a minimum of thirty minutes, I’d say.” He circled a finger around Noel’s navel. “After we’ve eaten, we can come right back. I’m not going anywhere, babe.”

“Good. I like you here.”

“I like me here too.”

Shane showered first. Noel gazed at the half-open bathroom door, a little stunned that everything had ended so well for both of them. Despite the lies and secrets and hidden pasts, they had still managed to find each other among the tangled mess and come out stronger for it. Nothing was perfect, and they still had a ways to go before all of the hurt feelings were completely assuaged, but they had survived the worst.

Noel knew without a doubt that he had finally met the real Jody, unburdened by his past, ready to walk into a happier future. And Noel was slowly but surely falling in love.