After an artery-clogging dinner of burgers and fries at Five Guys, Tristan was more than ready to burn off some calories walking to Gabe’s workplace. Not that he’d ever complain about treating himself to Five Guys, because they had the very best burgers on the planet. Didn’t stop him from feeling like a bloated beast afterward, though. Add nervous anticipation on top of that and his stomach was a hot mess.

Noel hadn’t seemed entirely thrilled about handing him off to Gabe, instead of hand-delivering him back to Benfield, but whatever. He’d been weird when Tristan told him about the incredible sex he and Gabe had had the other night, so Tristan left out the sleeping over part. The first time—that he could remember—that he’d kept something from Noel. He usually told Noel everything, but Noel didn’t seem to want to hear about this stuff.

Gabe had given them an address to an Italian bistro called Ristorante Totaro, which was in midtown, a few blocks from the nearest public parking garage. Noel hated parallel parking, so they were hoofing it to the drop off spot. They’d left Noel’s car at about five minutes to seven, which put them on time to be there when Gabe was leaving.

Unless he got stuck with a table or something. Tristan wasn’t sure how that worked. He’d never waited tables.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked Noel after a few minutes of walking in silence.

“No,” Noel said, not missing a beat. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“I don’t know, but you’re being weird.”

“How am I being weird?”

“Well, for starters, Mister Policeman, you keep answering my questions with a question.”

Noel stopped walking, and Tristan nearly hit a stranger in passing. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I just worry about you spending all of this time with Gabe, because I’m not used to you like this, and I want to be sure that you’re being careful.”

“Careful like how? Using condoms? That’s kind of a duh, isn’t it?”

A strange kind of relief settled around Noel, relaxing some of his tension.

So weird.

“Have you seriously been worrying about that?” Tristan asked.

Noel ducked his head. “A little, I guess.”

“Why? I mean, yeah, I was kind of a slut in college, but I’m not stupid.”

“I know you aren’t stupid, Tris. I don’t want you to put yourself at risk.”

“With Gabe?” Something dinged in the back of his mind. Something about Gabe. Tristan checked the Gabe Crib Sheet he’d stapled into the front of his notebook.

Porn star, that’s it. But how could Noel know?

“What do you know about what Gabe does for a living?” Tristan asked. He didn’t care that they were having this conversation on a public street.

Noel swallowed hard, a sure sign that he was stalling. He had to know. “What has he told you about what he does for a living?”

Another question. Two could play that game. “What has he told you about what he does for a living?”

“Gabe didn’t tell me anything.”

He knew Noel well enough to see the word play. “Then who did?”

“Tris—”

“Who told you?”

Noel glanced around, then tugged Tristan closer to a building and out of direct foot traffic. “Who told me that Gabe shoots gay porn?”

“Yes.”

Tristan’s lack of reaction made Noel do a double take. “You know?”

“Of course I know. Gabe told me. We do talk to each other, Noel, in between the fucking. How did you find out?”

Noel’s face pinched. “Shane told me.”

Shane. Boyfriend. That didn’t make much sense, unless— “Is Shane a fan who recognized him or something?”

“No.”

“So then what?”

Noel’s expression went from uncomfortable to completely mortified, which only piqued Tristan’s curiosity. “For a few weeks this summer, while Shane and I were kind of on-again, off-again, Shane filmed with the same company,” Noel said.

“Really?”

Me and Noel are both dating porn stars?

“He needed the money,” Noel added. “And he quit once he didn’t need it anymore. He quit before we committed to each other. Neither one of us wants anyone else.”

“Gabe doesn’t want anyone but me.”

“So he quit?”

“No. But porn sex isn’t the same as what we do. We’re real, Noel, we aren’t some illusion of intimacy created for an audience. We love each other.”

Noel flinched, and the simple action pissed Tristan the hell off. Who the fuck was Noel to judge who Tristan chose to love, or who chose to love him back? Nothing about Tristan’s relationship with Gabe was Noel’s to scrutinize or to judge. “What is your deal with me and Gabe? Seriously.”

“I don’t have a problem with Gabe.”

“No? Because you’re acting like you do. If it doesn’t bother me that he does porn, then there’s no reason it should bother you.”

“You’re right.”

“Good. Because I’m happy. So fucking happy I can’t breathe sometimes.”

“I know you are, and that’s what worries me.”

Tristan was absolutely baffled. What was so worrisome about someone being happy? And maybe a public street wasn’t the best place to hash this out, but he had to know. “Why?”

“Because Gabe is the first guy you’ve been with since college. He’s the first one who’s shown you attention and affection, and I worry that you’re latching on this tight. You’ve been hurt so much, Tristan. More than anyone deserves, and I can’t stand to see you get hurt again.”

The grief in Noel’s voice made Tristan’s heart give a little twist. Noel had been the only constant in his life since the accident. The only person who never gave up on him, no matter how angry or depressed he got. Noel would always worry. Tristan loved him for it as much as it frustrated him.

“I know these past few years have been hard on you too,” Tristan said. “But I’m not an idiot.”

“I don’t think—”

Tristan held up a staying hand. “I’m talking.” He put his hand down when Noel kept quiet. “I’m not an idiot. Yes, Gabe is the first person I’ve been with in a long time, but I’m not going into this blind and neither is he. He was interested in me before I began the trial, and maybe he can’t promise me a long, happy life together, but who can? No one is certain of the future. You could get shot on the job tomorrow and be gone and fuck all the promises you made to Shane.”

Noel flinched back like he’d been slapped.

“My point,” Tristan continued, ignoring a pang of guilt for the look on Noel’s face, “is that I don’t know if this drug will keep working. I don’t know if this is the best I’ll be, or if it will stop working and I’ll go back to before. I don’t know if Gabe will one day decide to hell with all my drama and dump me for some hot, hung scene partner. But no matter what happens tomorrow, I want to enjoy every single moment I have today. I don’t want to lose any more time. And if for some reason Gabe ends up being a mistake, he was my mistake to make.”

He hated being so harsh with Noel. He hated seeing his best friend so upset.

Then something surprising happened. Noel smiled. Not a fake I’m humoring you smile. A genuine I hear you smile.

“You always were smarter than you gave yourself credit for,” Noel said. “I guess I deserved that.”

“I love Gabe, and while I don’t need your blessing, so to speak, I’d like to have it.”

“You’ve got it. Sorry I’ve been an ass about this.”

“Forgotten. Just don’t do it again.”

“I’ll do my best.”

The decision to try was better than a promise he couldn’t keep.

Tristan was about to suggest they haul ass to the restaurant when something Noel said earlier came back and pinged his curiosity. “You said Gabe and Shane worked for the same company. Did they ever film a scene together?”

The instant frown on Noel’s face answered his question.

“Okay, never mind,” Tristan said. “Awkward subject.”

“Come on.” Noel cuffed the back of his head. “Let’s go meet your boyfriend.”

They walked the rest of the two blocks in a comfortable silence. Tristan held his head a little higher, proud of standing up for what he wanted, instead of what someone else thought he needed. He wanted Gabe, goddamn it, and he’d fight for him if he had to.

Ristorante Totaro had a red stone exterior that wanted to mimic something Old World Italian and came across kind of cheesy. But the place seemed busy, and Gabe was standing outside, leaning against the building with a foam soda cup in his hand. Tristan knew it was him without thinking about it, and the grin on Gabe’s face when he spotted them cemented the conclusion as fact.

“Hey, handsome,” Tristan said as he practically skipped over. He resisted throwing his arms around Gabe and kissing him silly. They were in a pretty big city, yeah, but it was the same city where he’d lost his fucking memory, so caution was his new default mode.

“Hey yourself,” Gabe said. “Hi Noel.”

Noel shook his hand in a very straight-guy-greeting kind of way that made Tristan do a mental eye-roll.

“You guys have any plans?” Noel asked.

Gabe gave a lazy, one-shouldered shrug. “I thought maybe we could try our hand at seeing a movie.”

“Really?” Tristan bounced up on his toes. “What movie?”

“I don’t know. I’ll pull up the theater app and see what’s playing.”

“Yes, can we? I haven’t been to see a movie in forever.”

Gabe grinned. “I know. Thought we could find something not too long and give it a shot.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Noel said. No sarcasm. He meant it.

“You want to join us?” Gabe asked. So polite.

“No, thanks. You two enjoy your date.”

Tristan tried to reply but his mouth wouldn’t work. Everything seemed to tunnel away, like the volume being turned down on a television. He was hot all over, despite the chilly air, and then his entire body went numb.

Gabe saw the change in Tristan, from aware to blank in the blink of an eye, and a sharp knife stabbed him in the heart. He knew what was happening. He’d seen it before, and he couldn’t stop it.

He reached out as Tristan’s eyes rolled back. The tremors began in his shoulders and radiated down his arms. Then his back arched, and his legs gave out. Gabe caught him around the waist before he could collapse and hit his head. Noel supported his other side, and together they lowered Tristan’s trembling body to the sidewalk.

“Shit, Tristan?” Noel said. The terror in his voice cut through Gabe like a knife.

“He’s having a seizure,” Gabe said. He shrugged out of his coat, folded it, and eased it under Tristan’s head to cushion him from the cold sidewalk.

“Should we hold him still?”

“No, you’re not supposed to do that.” Gabe had researched seizures years ago thanks to Debbie. Holding a seizing person down or putting something in their mouth was not the thing to do, no matter what they did on television.

They’d amassed a small crowd of gawkers. Gabe glared up at the nearest young woman who had her phone in hand and was simply staring at them. “Be fucking useful and call an ambulance.”

She jerked into action.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Noel was panicking and stuck on repeat.

Gabe focused on Tristan, willing him to stop. Hating that this was happening, and that he couldn’t do anything to stop the seizing. All he could do was pay attention and not panic. And pray.

Please, God, he doesn’t deserve this.

“What’s happening?”

“You think it’s drugs?”

“Is he dying?”

“Did someone hit him?”

Gabe tried to ignore the voices all around them, asking ignorant, if innocent, questions. “It’s his new medication,” he said, mostly to shut them up. “Can we have some room please?”

That got Noel to pay attention. He raised his head, his face red and his eyes blazing. “Everyone back the hell up,” he snarled. Probably the voice he used for crowd control on the job. “We don’t know it’s the meds,” Noel said to him.

“What else could it be? Dr. Fischer told Tristan seizures were a possible side effect.”

Tristan’s muscles began to settle, until only his head gave the occasional shake. His eyelids fluttered.

“Tristan?” Gabe said. “Come back to me, sunshine.”

He struggled to wake up.

“You’re going to be okay, you hear me? An ambulance is coming, and some doctors are going to check you out.”

Tristan’s lips moved. No words came out.

Gabe swallowed hard against rising bile. He wasn’t going to lose it here. Not until Tristan was safe. Not until he knew for sure Tristan was going to be okay. Then he’d let it all sink in.

“Gabe, you okay?”

He jerked his head up. The owner of the ristorante, Paulo, was standing behind him with a towel in his hands. “Hey, I’m fine. A friend had a seizure just now.”

“Shit, you need anything?”

“We’ve already called an ambulance, but thanks.”

“How about a coat, man? It’s freezing.”

Gabe couldn’t really feel his body. “I’m fine.”

“You need anything, you call me.”

“Will do.”

Paulo disappeared into the crowd to the tune of distant sirens. Gabe caught Noel’s gaze. The anger there surprised him. Redirected anger over Tristan’s situation? Because Gabe hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Shouldn’t you call Tristan’s doctors?” Gabe asked.

“I’ll call them once I know which hospital we’re going to,” Noel replied. Tight and pissed.

Whatever. He can take this out on me if he wants.

Gabe didn’t care. All he wanted was for someone to tell him Tristan was okay.

The ambulance arrived in a flurry of noise and flashing lights. Gabe let Noel explain what had happened while the paramedics checked Tristan’s vitals. He was still struggling to wake up. Gabe didn’t know if that was better than being unconscious or worse. They lifted Tristan onto the gurney. Gabe faltered a moment before remembering to grab his coat and follow.

“Family only,” the paramedic said as they loaded him into the back.

“I have power of attorney over Tristan’s medical care,” Noel said.

“Fine, you can ride with us.”

Gabe blinked hard, surprised to know Noel had the power to make medical decisions for Tristan. And angry at being left behind. “Which hospital are you taking him to?” Gabe asked.

“PinnacleHealth on South Front Street.”

“Thank you. I’ll meet you there,” he said to Noel.

Noel didn’t reply.

Asshole.

He waited until the ambulance was pulling out into the street, and then he sprinted the two blocks to where he’d parked his car. Panic seeped into his veins like ice water, squeezing his heart and constricting his chest. His hands shook so badly he dropped his keys twice, and then he had trouble getting the damned right key into the ignition.

He’s fine, he’ll be fine. He has to be fine.

Traffic wasn’t terrible for seven thirty on a Thursday, but it irritated him enough that he was cussing at every car that got in front of him. Every red light impeded his progress. His cell phone rang.

Debbie.

He ignored the call. He could not handle her drama tonight.

Gabe had been to PinnacleHealth a handful of times, usually because of Debbie, so he found the visitor parking garage with little fuss. The ER was a brief hike across the medical center’s campus, and then he was finally there.

Noel paced in one corner of the waiting area, phone to his ear, speaking softly to someone. Gabe hung back until Noel hung up and noticed him.

“They took him back a few minutes ago,” Noel said, icy anger still in place. “Dr. Fischer is in Gettysburg, but he’s driving up soon, and I called Benfield so they know what’s happening and can contact Dr. Coolidge and his GP.”

He’d made a lot of calls in a brief amount of time. “I didn’t know you had power of attorney.”

Noel shrugged. “It’s only been for a few months. I guess his parents wanted to forget they have a son. They still pay his bills and give him an allowance, but they want no part in his medical care.”

“So they put it all on you?”

“At least they chose someone who loves him.”

“Good point.”

Noel still looked like he wanted to take a swing at him. Gabe got fear, but this was something else.

“Did I do something to piss you off?” Gabe asked.

“A friend?”

“What?”

“When that guy on the sidewalk asked what was going on, you said your friend was having a seizure.”

Gabe thought back, but he genuinely couldn’t remember what he’d said to Paulo. The entire sidewalk encounter was a blur. “I might have, I don’t know. I was a little busy worrying about Tristan.”

Noel took a step closer. “If you say you love Tristan, you can at least acknowledge his fucking existence.”

“What are you—?”

“Friend, Gabe, not boyfriend.”

He stared at Noel until it all sank in. “Are you serious right now? You’re pissed at me over something I said during a moment of extreme stress? I do love him, and fuck you for doubting that.”

Someone nearby cleared their throat. Gabe didn’t really give a shit if their conversation was making someone else uncomfortable. It was an emergency room. No one was comfortable in an emergency room, and everyone there was worried about someone else.

Noel didn’t apologize, but he let the conversation drop. Gabe wanted to call Bear and tell him what was happening, only he didn’t really know what was happening. No sense in getting his parents worried until he had some good news to go along with the bad.

More than forty minutes of no news passed before the nurse who occasionally called out names finally said, “Tristan Lavalle?”

He and Noel both barreled toward the petite woman in blue scrubs.

“You can come back with me,” she said with a bright smile.

“Is he okay?” Noel asked. They followed her through automatic doors and into a maze of hallways and cubicles.

“He’s stable and awake.”

Gabe’s heart gave a happy little lurch.

She led them to a small room with a single bed. Tristan was sitting up, pale but otherwise alert. And he looked pissed as hell.

Noel beat him to the bed for a hug, but Tristan untangled quickly and reached out for Gabe. Gabe silently cheered and hauled Tristan into his arms. He hated how cool Tristan’s skin was, and how he shook against his chest. Gabe wanted to do more to make this all okay, but the only thing he could do was comfort his boyfriend.

“Has the doctor been in to see you?” Noel asked.

“Just for an exam. They did some tests too, but no one’s been back.”

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Gabe said. “Hospitals like to take their damned time unless you’re bleeding all over their floors.”

“Nurse Johnson said I had a seizure?”

“You did.”

“Fuck.”

Gabe pulled away long enough to kiss his forehead. “It wasn’t a severe one, but it was still pretty damned scary to watch.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. None of this is, so don’t be sorry.”

“Can’t help it. I hate worrying both of you.”

Noel sat on the opposite side of the bed. “What would I do with my free time if I didn’t spend it worrying about you?”

Tristan smiled, but the joke felt flat to Gabe. “How do you feel?” Gabe asked.

“Exhausted,” Tristan said. “Like I just worked out at the gym for ten hours straight. Everything feels like jelly, and I don’t really remember what happened.”

“That’s actually not uncommon with seizures.”

“How do you know?” Noel asked.

Gabe glanced at Noel, whose surprise bordered on being impressed that he knew about more than waiting tables and porn. “My mother has had seizures before because of her drinking. I studied up a few years ago. She never remembered them either.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Tristan’s eyes went wide. “You don’t think I’ll have to stop the clinical trial, do you? I can’t. Not when everything is so great.”

“Let’s not guess, okay?” Gabe said. “Let’s wait for Dr. Fischer to get here and look at your tests.”

“I knew there was a risk but—” His voice broke. “Shit.”

“Hey.” Gabe cupped his cheek and made those big, teary eyes meet his. “I am right here, okay? I’m not leaving.”

Tristan inhaled long and hard, then swallowed down his tears. “Thanks. Some date, huh?”

“We’re together, aren’t we?”

He laughed. “I guess so.” To Noel he said, “Did you call Shane? He’ll wonder why you’re late.”

Noel checked his phone. “Shit, it is late. I’ll be right back.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Once they were alone, Gabe hugged Tristan again, for nothing else except to try and calm his suddenly racing heart. Tristan rubbed his back, a touch he barely felt through the bulk of his winter coat. They existed like that for a while, even after Noel returned to the room. Eventually Gabe let go so Tristan could lie back and relax.

“Since Shane’s about as stubborn as you are,” Noel said to Tristan, “he’s on his way here.”

“Good,” Tristan said. “You look like hell. You need him.”

“Yeah, I kind of do.”

“Besides, who knows how long all of this will take. If I have to stay overnight, he can drive you back to your car.”

Gabe nearly said he could have done that, but then he caught on. Tristan was subtly saying Noel didn’t have to stay. Gabe would be there.

I love him so much.

More time ticked by. Shane arrived before any of the doctors. At a quarter to ten Gabe was ready to storm the front desk and demand someone talk to them. He was saved the trouble by a knock at the half-shut door. Two men strode in, one of them in a white lab coat and the other in a blue sweater.

“Dr. Fischer,” Noel said. He shook the hand of the younger man in the sweater.

“Noel,” Dr. Fischer said. He introduced the ER doctor as Dr. Matthews before turning his attention to the bed. “Tristan, how are you feeling?”

“Okay,” Tristan replied. “Tired mostly.”

“That is absolutely to be expected after a tonic-clonic seizure.”

“A what?”

“We used to refer to them as grand mal seizures. From your tests and from Noel’s description, that’s what you had this evening.”

“Because of the drug trial?” Gabe asked.

“I’m sorry, you must be Gabe?” Dr. Fischer shook his hand too. “Tristan’s spoken about you several times.”

“Yes, I am.”

“It’s very likely, yes, that the trial medication caused the seizure, seeing as Tristan’s never had a history of them before this.”

“We knew this could happen,” Tristan said. “Especially with how I’ve been improving.”

“Yes we did.”

“Can you treat it with something so it doesn’t happen again?” Gabe asked.

“Unfortunately many of the commonly used antiseizure medications have side effects that negatively affect memory.”

“I’ve got enough problems there, thanks,” Tristan said.

“Phenobarbital is an option not known to affect memory. However, I hesitate in using it because it could still interfere with how the trial meds are working. One seizure doesn’t always guarantee a second. In some cases, a patient has a single seizure and never has another occurrence, even without the assistance of medication.”

“So this could be a one-off?”

“It’s possible, yes. It’s also possible you’ll have another, and that you’ll need to take the phenobarbital for the rest of the trial. Maybe longer.”

“What are the side effects?” Noel asked.

“The most common is sedation. So you may feel sleepy or lack energy while taking it. Dizziness, involuntary eye movement and ataxia are much less common. Ataxia is loss of control over various muscles in your body.”

Tristan made a face. “Sounds like fun, and no thanks. I don’t want to sleep through the life I’m just getting back. Plus I would have known going into the trial that this could happen, right?”

“We knew,” Noel said.

Dr. Fischer smiled. “The good news, Tristan, is that you’ve had a single seizure and, as I said, there is a chance it won’t reoccur. For now, I won’t prescribe anything new.”

“Thank God.”

“So we’re supposed to sit back and hope he doesn’t have another one?” Noel asked.

“Tristan has an evaluation on Monday,” Dr. Fischer said. “We can compare those tests to today’s to see if there has been improvement or degradation.”

Noel frowned. Gabe kind of wanted to shove him out of the room for a while. Power of attorney or not, Tristan was of sound fucking mind, and he was the one who got to decide his medical care.

“So I don’t have to stay in the hospital?” Tristan asked.

“No, you don’t,” Dr. Matthews said, adding to the conversation for the first time. “The staff at Benfield will be informed, so they can keep a close watch on you over the weekend. We’ll have you signed out as soon as we can get the paperwork together.”

“Oh thank God.” Tristan looked at Gabe. “You’ll take me home, right?”

“Absolutely,” Gabe replied.

“Good. Now that I’m sorted out, everyone can stop panicking and go home.” He grabbed Gabe’s hand. “Except you.”

“I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Tristan, I will see you again on Monday,” Dr. Fischer said. “And if you have any other side effects over the weekend, let me know immediately.”

“Will do,” Tristan said. To Gabe he added, “Make sure I do that.”

“No more seizures for you, young man,” Gabe replied with a smile.

Gabe moved over a bit so Shane and Noel could hug Tristan. Noel clung for a little while, and Gabe couldn’t blame him for it. They were best friends, and tonight had freaked everyone the fuck out.

“Call me if you need anything,” Noel said. “I mean it.”

“I know you do. Thank you.”

“Take care of him,” Noel said to Gabe.

“I will,” Gabe said.

Once the room was empty, Gabe curled up next to Tristan and held him tight. Tristan rested his head over Gabe’s heart, and they lay together, waiting for Tristan’s release.

“I love you,” Tristan whispered.

“Love you too.”

No matter what.