He was gone the following morning, which didn’t surprise me in the least. What was surprising was the gaping hole my chest suddenly had in it. By twelve o’clock, when I realized he wasn’t outside by the canoes or coming back or even going to call, I packed my bag for New York. My interview wasn’t for another two days, but I could definitely do with some fresh air and some Halal Guys. Anything to get away from the memory of Rowan and the way I felt without him. This was exactly what I told myself I did not want. I did not want to be the girl who made decisions because of some man. I wanted to be free of those things, otherwise, I would have followed him to college. My chest hurt when I thought about that. Following him to college hadn’t been the answer, I knew that, but a part of me wondered how different things would have been. Would we still be together? Would we have moved back home and started a family instead of where we ended up: him taking over his family’s company and me going away for an apprenticeship?

Sulking and digging into the past were stupid notions that offered no real solutions. That was what I told myself during the three-hour car ride to New York. But then, I’d looked out the window and saw things that reminded me of the short road trip I’d taken with Rowan, and I felt like crying. I decided I’d done too much crying yesterday and wiped the tear away before taking a breath, keeping my eyes on the road ahead. To pass the time, I made a mental checklist of all the things I hated about Rowan: he’s a control freak, he thinks he’s always right, he always has to get the last word, his smile has gotten him further in the world than I ever could go without showing some skin. I’d seen that smile get him out of a traffic ticket on more than one occasion. Something that would never happen to me unless I was wearing a revealing top. He had the body of a god, and I wasn’t just saying that because I was in lust with him. He really looked as if he’d been etched by Auguste Rodin himself. He went around in circles until he could convince you to say yes. He had bedroom eyes and used them to his favor. His workspace was meticulous, and who the hell used a Rolodex anymore? He had a way of looking amused by things that weren’t the least bit amusing.

By the time I pulled up to the hotel, I’d come up with at least twenty things I did not like about Rowan. There were so many items on that list that I knew I didn’t have to even start on a list of things I did like. My phone buzzed just as I closed the door to my room, and I hated myself a little for the way I scrambled to pull the phone from my purse.

When I saw that it was my grandmother calling, disappointment filtered through me. We spoke for a couple of minutes and hung up. I thought about going to bed, sulking the rest of the night, but then I remembered I’d made a few contacts during my trip with Rowan. On a whim, I decided to email Cody, the buyer from Barneys I’d met at the cocktail party with Rowan. He replied instantly, asking if I was free for dinner, and once we’d set it up, I took a quick shower and headed out.

By seven, Rowan still hadn’t called, and I was sure he wouldn’t. I was so angry with him that I turned off my phone the moment I spotted Cody waiting for me at the restaurant. I walked over with a smile and sat across from him. He was dressed impeccably in a navy suit with a checkered shirt and a tie that I would have never in a million years paired with it, but it looked perfect on him. I said as much, which made him laugh.

“When you work in fashion, you learn to step your game up,” he said. “What about you? Have you started your apprenticeship?”

“That’s actually what I’m here for. I have my interview tomorrow.”

“Are you nervous, excited, ready to get it over with?”

I laughed. “All three, actually.”

We ordered our food and drinks and went back to our casual conversation. He told me how he chooses what goes into the store and how they have another set of people stage the products, making it seem as if a customer absolutely needs to buy it.

It was intriguing, especially since I’d only spoken to fabric people up until that point. Sure, I knew there was more to the fashion and design world, but I hadn't realized how extensive it was. We finished eating and continued drinking and all of the anxiety from earlier vanished. I was no longer only thinking about Rowan and how much I missed him. I was actively listening to someone else talk about their job and found that I enjoyed it.

“Your boyfriend didn’t come with you this time?”

“You mean Rowan?” I put my glass of wine down and looked up in surprise. “He isn’t . . . he isn’t my boyfriend.”

“Oh. I got a vibe.”

“Wrong vibe.” I tried to laugh it off, but it sounded weak and uncertain.

“I figured with the way he was looking at you and the way you two . . .” He paused, frowning as he tilted his head. “I don’t know how to describe it. You just seemed like a couple.”

“Oh. Well, no. Definitely not. We’re both very anti-relationship, I guess you can say.”

“Being in love is scary. Best to play things safe.”

My heart pounded. I didn’t owe this guy anything, but I still found myself saying, “I’m not in love with him.”

“I just got out of a four-year relationship,” Cody said, taking a sip of his gin. “It was the worst heartache I’d ever experienced. I cursed the whole thing after that. It took me a month to feel like I could get out of my apartment. Two more to look like a human being. Well, basically, it took eight or nine months for me to be myself again. Guess how long it took her to move on.”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, leaning in slightly.

“Three months. I was still trying to be a human being and she was moving on with her boss.”

“That sounds awful.”

“It was. It still is. I’ve been trying to move on, but I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I compare people to her all the time.”

“Four years is a long time.”

“I don’t regret it, though. Not a single day goes by where I regret being with her those four years. I do regret not fighting for her afterward. If I’d told her that I didn’t want to split up, maybe we’d still be together. Who knows? The thought was scary back then, but now it seems so stupid.”

I swallowed the lump that seemed to be forming in my throat. “Love is terrifying.”

“It sure is.” He lifted his glass, I lifted mine, and we toasted to that. We changed the subject back to clothing, which I was thankful for, but in the back of my mind, all I could think about was our previous conversation. Was I in love with Rowan? Really in love with him? Was that why I felt so giddy when he was around and so desperately in need of him when he wasn’t? Was that why I checked my phone one hundred times even after I’d turned it off for the night? I said goodbye to Cody and went up to my room, my head buzzing with thoughts of love and alcohol.

What was love anyway? Was it falling into the unknown? I lay in bed the rest of the night and thought about it until I finally decided that I was definitely in love with Rowan Hawthorne. I couldn’t even think of a time when I hadn’t been. I decided then that I’d tell him. Consequences be damned. He needed to know how I felt.