17
Once Ben starts yelling, once the words are tumbling out from somewhere deep inside, he can’t stop them. The anger that has simmered just beneath the surface for weeks, like an itch he can’t get at, takes over and he’s helpless to pull it back in no matter how much he wants to. He knows he’s being irrational, unfair, and even cruel. Ben knows all of this, just as he knows he means none of it and that he's lashing out at the one person he knows deserves none of it out of frustration. He knows all of this but is powerless to stop any of it.
The sound of the kitchen door slamming behind Alex cuts through the roaring in Ben's head and leaves him panting, with a growing sense of horror. Oh God, what has he done? Trembling he turns to face his mother and Polly. The anger evaporates, and he's left feeling empty and dazed. Allie, the color of chalk, is trembling and for a moment he thinks she has in fact caught a chill. Then he sees the naked fury in her eyes and stumbles back from it.
“The first time you brought Alex here you asked me if I had ever been ashamed of you and I said no.” She doesn’t raise her voice and it’s somehow worse than if she did. Ben can't remember ever seeing her this way. “Well I am now. I have never in my life been more disgusted by anybody. You just took something someone trusted you with and you use it to hurt them. Somebody you love. Somebody who loves you. And you did it deliberately.”
“Mom,” he tries to say, shame coloring his cheeks and churning his stomach.
“No,” Allie shakes her head, “I don’t want to hear it, Ben. Whatever excuse you think you have, I don’t want to hear it. That man loves you. He is the best thing I have ever seen happen to you and you deliberately baited him into that fight just so you could hurt him because you are too scared to face what’s happening. I am going to die. You’re angry and I get it. I’m angry. It sucks but you know what, sometimes life just fucking sucks kid. I get through every day knowing you will be okay because you have Alex. You have someone to love and who loves you. And if you ever wonder if that’s true, I suggest you remember that a few minutes ago, he sat and took all that shit you heaped on him and he didn’t try to protect himself once. I want to dance at your wedding but if you can’t or won’t give me that because you’re too wrapped up in yourself, then you are not the man I thought I raised and I don’t want you at my funeral.”
“Mom,” Ben pleads, “please.”
“I am taking your grandmother and I am taking your car, because I can barely drive mine anymore, and hell, I’m taking your damned dog, and we are going to town. You fix this Ben. I mean it, fix it. Because if you don’t, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.”
Feeling hollowed out and empty, Ben reaches for her but she pushes his hand away, shaking her head. She clicks her fingers at Bart and takes him through to living room. Polly approaches and holds out her hand, but he flinches away from it, overcome with shame. She gives him a sad smile and strokes his cheek anyway.
“Your mother used to say we spoiled you and I’ve always thought that was nonsense. You can’t spoil a child with love. But maybe we did you no favors in keeping you protected from loss,” she says. “Ben, she is going to die. And it’s not right. It should be me; I’ve had a long and happy life and no parent should outlive their child, it’s not natural. But it’s not me. It’s her. It’s unfair and it hurts but that’s no excuse for what you just did. Driving Alex away isn’t going to stop this happening, and it’s not going to protect you from the hurt of maybe losing him one day too. All it’s going to do is leave you both in pain. Don’t do that Ben. Not when you two feel the way I know you feel about each other.”
“Oh God, Polly. What am I going to do?” Ben says.
“Let him be for you, what you have always been for him. Strong. Let him be there for you, Ben. You need to find him and you need to do it now before he convinces himself you don’t want to find him and we both know that is what he’ll do. When you do find him, Ben I want you to look at him. Really look at him, because I don’t think you’ve done that a whole lot recently.”
#
Ben steps around the mess of crushed spider on the deck and hurries along the path to the beach. He scans both directions, but Alex is nowhere to be seen. In the end, he goes left, reasoning that Alex, a creature of habit, always leaves left when they're here, he probably did this time too.
After at least a mile, there’s still no sign of him, and panic has set in. He asks a couple walking their poodle if they’ve seen him. They shake their heads. Did he go the other way after all? Or did he not go to the beach at all? Oh God, what if he went to the main road and into town? He’d be able to get a bus back to the city from there.
Cursing himself for leaving his phone on the table, Ben turns back toward home. He’ll take the Volvo and drive around, see if he can find him. Please, please let him find him. Please. Ahead, in the distance, he makes out a figure trudging down to the water’s edge and catches his breath. Please. Please be Alex.
As he gets closer his heart sinks; it isn’t Alex. This man is tall, with the same shoulder length hair snapping around in the wind but he’s much thinner and hunched over, huddling in a baggy tee-shirt…
Shame and disbelief hit Ben like a tidal wave and he stops and stares. Polly’s words about really looking at Alex ring in his ears. He closes his eyes, then opens them again to be sure. How has he not noticed this? Has he been so caught up in work – in himself– that he’s missed seeing Alex has lost at least ten pounds if not more? He’s standing with his feet in the water, the white foam swirling over them, soaking the hems of his jeans. When Ben approaches, he sees Alex set his shoulders but still he doesn't turn to face him.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Alex says, kicking his feet through the shallow water. Defeat and loss dampen his voice.
“I thought you were gone.” The relief washing over Ben is suffocating.
“Where would I go?”
“Alex, I swear I didn’t mean it. I have no excuse.” Ben’s voice cracks and he offers what feels like far too little, far too late, and wholly immaterial. “I’m so sorry.”
“Okay.”
For a moment, they stand in silence, until Ben notices Alex twisting his watch around his wrist and reaches out, takes his hand, undoes the buckle, and slips the watch in his pocket. The naked skin is raw and in two places, near his scar, has been bleeding. Another wave of shame crashes over Ben again, but before he can say anything, Alex speaks.
“Do you still love me, Ben?”
His voice is small, childlike and Ben can hear the fear driving it.
“Oh God, Alex, yes,” he says, grabbing the taller man’s shoulders as words spill out in his panic to try and explain himself. “I’m so sorry. I don’t have the right to ask you to believe me, but I swear I never stopped loving you. I never will.”
“Do you still want to marry me?”
Ben runs his thumb over the raw skin of Alex’s wrist. His chest feels tight, like it does on those rare occasions he lets Alex convince him to run five miles with him, and he struggles to breathe.
“Yes. I never meant that I didn’t want to marry you. Everything just closed in on me, and I know it’s no excuse, but I guess I panicked and took it out on you and I am so sorry.”
Alex nods.
“I understand that, I wrote the book on panicking. What you said before about my mother –”
“Alex, I’m sorry, I should never have said that.”
Why can’t he say something else? Something that matters. Who cares if he’s sorry? Sorry isn’t going to fix this. Alex still refuses to look at him and Ben is terrified that nothing is going to fix what he's broken. Ever.
“I think it all the time. It’s not fair that Allie is sick. She’s so lovely and she’s only ever been kind to me. I wish it wasn't her. I hate what it’s doing to her, I hate what it’s doing to you. But that’s not the only reason I wish it wasn't her.”
Alex turns to face him for the first time and gives him what Ben thinks is meant to be a smile but one that is so filled with bitterness and anger that he catches his breath.
“She was there,” Alex says. He’s rubbing his wrist, has scratched the scabs off and a thin trickle of blood works its way toward his palm. Ben reaches out and wraps his fingers around it to stop him. The cold wet feel of the blood makes him feel light headed.
“Alex?”
“When I tried to kill myself, my mother was there. I made the cut and there was a noise behind me. She was standing in the doorway watching. She didn’t try to stop me, and she didn’t try to help me. When the blood started really pumping, she just walked away. That’s when I got dizzy and fell. I didn’t drop the blade; I was just a little lightheaded. If I hadn’t banged my head on the way down, Matt would never have woken up. When I made my bargain with her so Matt didn’t have to leave school, I told her that if she kicked us out I would tell the police and the priest and anyone who would listen that she had watched me and hadn’t tried to stop me. Combined with them covering it up, it might have been enough to cause them some serious harm. Matt doesn’t know, and I don’t want him to ever know. I’m not sure he wouldn’t do something stupid, even now.”
“Oh God,” Ben says, unable to think of anything to say.
“As terrible as it was, it was my home. More importantly it was Matt’s home and I didn’t think he should pay for my … life. I try to be a good son, not because I owe her but because I owe Matt. And because I always thought I would be alone, I thought it was important to at least be a part of my own family. And maybe in some way it is kind of a way to get back at her too. She can’t just pretend I don’t exist if she has to look at me, you know? I don’t know but I do know that if I had to I would do it all over again exactly the same and I wouldn’t change any of it,” Alex takes a breath, turns to face him and this time it’s the wide, open smile Ben fell in love with, even if it doesn’t quite touch his eyes, and he shakes his head in confusion. “As awful as it was, Ben, eventually it led me to you. And you’re the one thing in my whole pathetic life, that has never been wrong.”
Ben looks at Alex’s eyes. He sees unquestioning love in them but there’s also fear alongside it, replacing the trust Ben has worked so hard to build. At Alex’s birthday Ben had been prepared to strike Janice if she did something to destroy that trust and now he’s done it himself. Knowing he put that fear there because he couldn’t face his own, undoes something in him. All the grief and terror and anger he’s been fighting to avoid for the past couple of months breaks free and he gasps as though someone has just punched him. Wraps his arms around his own stomach.
“Oh God,” he says, tears beginning to track down his cheeks as he collapses against Alex, “she’s going to die and I can’t stop it.”
This isn’t the quiet, shocked crying of the night they’d told him Allie was sick. Sobs wrack his body and when Alex, without any hesitation pulls him in tight, strokes his hair and kisses the side of his head, Ben clings to his shirt.
“I don’t want her to go Alex.”
“I know.”
Ben hangs on to him, unable to stop the sobbing now it’s started. Tears, snot, and saliva soak through the thin tee-shirt hanging off Alex but he doesn’t seem to notice, just keeps making soothing noises and rocks him where they stand, icy water splashing over their feet.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“It’s okay.”
Murmured against his head while a hand rubs up and down his back and Ben pulls away, yelling again.
“It’s not okay. Everyone keeps telling me it is and it isn’t. My mother is dying. It’s not okay.” His words are torn away by the wind. Alex pulls him against his chest and uses the words Ben, himself always uses in the dark of the night when he's struggling.
“I’ve got you, Ben, I’ve got you.”
The words cut through his grief and Ben lifts his head.
“Please tell me I didn’t fuck this up. Please, baby, tell me I didn’t fuck us up. Please.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” Alex says.
“I have been such an asshole and I don’t deserve this, but please, please give me another chance.”
“Ben -”
Ben’s eyes widen and he clutches at Alex’s tee-shirt in desperation.
“Baby, please. Please. Tell me I didn’t break us.”
“You’re the one thing that has ever been good in my life. I thought I’d lost you and when you wouldn’t tell me you loved me, you have no idea how much it hurt.”
Alex's lips are like ice on Ben's when he kisses him; Ben can taste the salt air and the tang of tears on his lips and slips his arms around him to pull him closer. When he pulls away from the kiss, Ben’s aware the taller man is shivering and yanks his jacket off to wrap around his shoulders. Pulls his tee-shirt up and tries to wipe the worst of the mess on his face away; blows his nose on the hem and smiles when he catches sight of Alex’s look of disgust.
“Please tell me you’ll forgive me.”
Alex nods and holds his hand out. Ben takes it and rubs his thumb over the engagement ring.
“We’ll figure it out, Ben.”
“I need to ask you something and I really need you to be honest with me,” Ben says after a moment. He chooses his words with care. “No trying to spare my feelings crap, okay?”
Alex nods but there’s a wariness in his eyes that shows just how hurt he has been and the pain of it is piercing.
“How much weight have you lost?”
Alex tries to pull his hand away, but Ben tightens his grip.
“Alex, this isn’t your fault. I did this, and I need you to tell me. How much?”
“About twelve pounds I think.”
“You think or you know?”
Alex doesn’t answer and Ben’s heart sinks.
“Is it just the usual? You know, nervous throwing up? Or are you not eating either?” Surely he would have noticed if Alex hadn’t been eating. “Baby, I’m not trying to judge, just understand.”
Alex shrugs.
“I eat. Doesn’t always stay down.”
Ben tries to remember the last time Alex had trouble keeping food down. When he was being considered for promotion in the unit he thinks and that was before his birthday. He cups Alex’s face.
“You can’t keep doing this, Alex. You have to speak up and if I’m not listening or seeing it or,” he stops and takes a breath, “if I’m causing it because I’m being a prick, you have to tell me.”
Alex bows his head and says something Ben doesn’t hear. He tilts his face up and asks him to repeat it.
“I thought you’d leave me.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, baby,” Ben says again, trying to swallow back another wave of tears, this time of shame. “Please tell me I didn’t fuck us up.”
Alex reaches out and rubs away tears with his thumb.
“I know you are,” he says. “I love you, Ben. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I love you back,” Ben whispers.
“Then we’ll figure it out.”
#
The wind is starting to get up as they walk toward the house and there is a definite feel of rain in the air.
“Ben,” Alex says after they’ve been walking a while, “where’s Bart?”
“Mom took him to the village with her. In our car. With Polly.”
“Oh. Why?”
Ben blushes and scratches his head.
“She’s pretty angry with me. I think she’s taking my toys off me until I learn to play nice. I may not get any presents tonight.”
Alex chuckles and slips his arm around Ben’s waist.
“Have you ever noticed,” Ben says, “that we seem to work out a lot of our shit on this beach?”
“Yeah, we do,” Alex agrees.
“I was thinking, maybe that would make it a good place for a wedding.”
Alex stops walking. Ben turns back, puzzled.
“Ben, it’s okay. I understand that there’s a lot going on at the moment and I get it okay? What scared me was that you didn’t want to talk about it at all. We can wait.”
Red faced and embarrassed, Ben looks at his feet, clears his throat, and rubs the back of his neck. Finally, he looks at Alex.
“Yeah, look, I was being an asshole okay? I didn’t want to postpone the wedding, not really. It was just something I could …I don’t know…” unable to express what he means, he shrugs, looks miserable.
“Control?” Alex suggests.
“Yeah, I guess.” Ben shrugs again. Tries to smile. “What can I say? I’m an idiot.”
“Yeah you are,” Alex says, smiling as he slings his arm around Ben’s neck and they resume walking, “but you’re my idiot.”
“So what do you think about getting married here at the beach?”
“I think it would be great,” Alex says, “but I think you’ll be creating a culinary war.”
“Huh?”
“Well if Melinda finds out you’re getting married here, she’ll want to make the cake. Matt has already started planning one. How will you choose?”
Ben thinks for a moment, then grins, sticking his tongue between his teeth.
“That’s easy, I won’t. We’ll have one of each.”
As expected, Alex rolls his eyes.
“Soon as we get home, I’m getting your sugar levels tested.”
#
Alex stops in front of the remains of the dead tarantula and sighs. Ben is silent, head bowed. He resembles a kid who just broke a window playing baseball and has been caught.
“Don’t ever do something like that, again,” Alex says. He steps over the mess to open the kitchen door. “Come on, I need to get into some dry pants.”
Ben looks up, slight smile twitching his mouth up and Alex rolls his eyes.
“You know some days I swear you’re five years old,” he says as Ben passes in front of him. “And those are your mature days.”
The kitchen is exactly as they left it. Half-filled coffee cups and cold toast in the toaster mark exactly where the morning blew up. Alex moves to gather them up but Ben stops him, saying they can wait until he’s in warm, dry clothes and Alex lets himself be steered upstairs.
Before Alex can reach for his bag though, Ben has him pinned against the wall, mouth warm and insistent, one hand sliding up the back of his tee-shirt, the other tugging at his hair. Caught by surprise, Alex’s knees falter and he grabs Ben’s waist for balance. It’s been so long since they’ve had any physical contact, his reaction is instant. Eyes fluttering shut, his breath catches, and he’s already hard. He tries to get his hands up to Ben’s chest to push him back a bit. After the morning’s intensity, he needs Ben to slow down. He doesn’t want to add premature ejaculation to anybody’s dance card.
Unfortunately, Ben does not appear to be getting the memo about taking things easy. Grinding Alex against the wall, Ben moves his mouth down the line of his jaw, biting and sucking a spot in the hollow of Alex’s collar bone. Shuddering, Alex pulls Ben’s hips to his.
Oh God, he’s doing that thing with his tongue and teeth and the hand that was caressing his back has gone somewhere else entirely and oh dear God if he doesn’t stop doing that, Alex is going to… oh God … oh God … he tries to grab Ben’s hand and stop him … too late.
Ben fumbles with the zipper of his own jeans, pulls Alex’s hand to his erection and it doesn’t take long before he’s crying out against Alex’s neck, fingers clenching and unclenching on Alex’s hips.
“Well that took the edge off,” he says finally.
Alex feels Ben’s mouth move up in a grin against his skin and drops his head back against the wall, laughing despite his embarrassment, remembering their first night together when Ben said much the same thing. He lands a light slap to Ben’s ass.
“Now I need a shower, thank you very much,” Alex says and pushes Ben away.
“Good thinking,” Ben leans back in and nuzzles his neck.
“Nope, you can forget it,” Alex says. He eases himself out from under him, goes to the bathroom, and locks the door behind him. “Your mom and Polly will be home any time soon. You can wait.”
“Aww, but baby, come on. ” Ben rattles the handle.
“No, don’t you but baby me,” Alex says stepping under the water. “You can just stay out there and behave for a change.”
He washes quickly and turns the water off. Wrapped in a towel, he unlocks the door and goes to his bag. Ben is stretched out on the bed and whistles at him. Alex turns and points to the bathroom without a word.
“You know for a minute there you were a lot of fun,” Ben grumbles on his way past. “What happened?”
“You happened,” Alex pulls clothes out of his bag. “You’re the one who wouldn’t slow down, so it’s your own fault. Now stop complaining and have your shower.”
Alex doubts it was even a minute, even though he knows that isn’t what Ben’s teasing referred to, but it feels too good knowing Ben still loves him, still wants him, to give in to the doubt for now. The sound of Ben singing, off key, floats out from the bathroom as Alex dresses and he smiles.
They’ll figure it out.
#