21
Eventually they decide to drive the Volvo home and leave the BMW with Allie. Because of the holidays, the mini she has chosen won’t be ready until the following Monday and she still needs to get around. Since Ben is scheduled to be in court next week, Alex will drive down in the Targa on Sunday, take her to pick up the new car on Monday, and drive home in the BMW. Ben argues for over an hour that he can ask for a continuance or that the firm can assign someone else to the case, and they can both come back down for the weekend. Even Allie snapping at him to stop behaving like an infant doesn’t stop him and finally Alex leans in and whispers something in his ear that at least makes the lawyer agree to the plan and lapse into a sulky silence.
“Okay what did you promise him?” Polly asks with grin. Alex just shakes his head and takes his coffee cup to the sink to rinse. They need to get going or they’ll be stuck with everyone else heading home and, besides, there are limits to just how open Alex is prepared to be – even with Polly. Especially with Polly.
While Ben puts their bags in the back seat, Alex settles Bart in the back of the Volvo having already fitted a security grid and gives him a bone to chew on. He shuts the door and goes up the steps to hug Polly.
“I’ll see you on Sunday. Make sure you have the Scrabble board ready,” he says.
“Hey, no fair, you can’t play Scrabble together without me,” Ben complains behind him.
Polly rolls her eyes and Alex shakes his head. Puts his arm out to pull Ben up beside them.
“If you don’t stop whining, Scrabble won’t be the only thing happening without you,” he says and kisses Polly’s cheek, leaving her to hug her grandson with shaking shoulders.
Allie smiles and holds her arms open. He steps into the hug, pulling her tight and breathing in the scent of her soap. Beneath it he can smell the faint chemical tang of the chemotherapy drugs, but he doesn’t think Ben will notice. Yet.
“If you need me to bring anything with me from the city just let me know,” he tells her and holds her at arm’s length for a moment. “And thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for, Alex?”
He pretends to ponder then grins.
“Let’s see – what have you given me that I could possibly be thanking you for? Your car and your son.”
“Yeah, well I think you have your work cut out with the latter,” she says.
“Hey!” Ben says, eyes flashing and lower lip pushed out in a pout; for a moment, the resemblance to a grumpy toddler is so strong that Alex expects him to stomp his foot.
“He has his moments.” Alex hugs her again. Kisses her forehead and steps back to let Ben in.
“Try to remember you’re a grown up, Ben,” Allie says as he wraps his arms around her. Alex sniggers and Ben lifts one hand from her back to flip him off. She smacks the small of his back. “Behave.”
“Sorry,” Ben says, “I love you, mom.”
She pulls back and smiles at him.
“I love you back, kid” she says, “Now go on, or you’re going to be caught in the traffic.”
Alex slides in behind the wheel of the Volvo and buckles his belt while Ben kisses both women again before getting into the passenger seat.
As usual, Ben keeps his face pressed to the window until he can no longer see the house. He turns to the front and puts his sunglasses on with a sigh.
#
“Ben, stop sulking. It’s one night,” Alex says. “I’ll be home Monday evening. And you go away for work all the time.”
“I know, I just don’t see why we can’t all come down on Friday.”
“Because you have to be in court on Monday and the way you help your mom is by carrying on as normal.”
“Normal. Yeah, whatever.”
Ben rests his foot up on the dash and leans forward to fiddle with the radio.
“We’re going to have to sort out the stereo and stuff in here. I doubt mom’s ever has it off the Golden Oldies station.”
Alex laughs and reaches over to rub Ben’s thigh.
“You can update anything you like okay? Except the driver.”
“Never you, baby, never you,” he says and looks out the window. “I guess at least I have phone sex to look forward to.”
“Yeah, the speed with which that worked is just a little worrying you know?”
“You offered. And you better not fake it.” Ben retorts leaning out of range of the punch Alex aims at him.
Forty minutes out of the village, Ben begins to fidget, squirming in his seat and tapping his fingers on the door.
“You okay?” Alex asks. He glances in the rear vision mirror but can’t see Bart; he must be asleep.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine,” Ben says without offering anything more. He rests his ankle on his knee and within minutes is tapping his fingers on the canvas of his sneakers. It’s clear to Alex that he’s anything but fine. Why won’t he tell him what’s wrong?
“Ben,” Alex has to grit his teeth to keep from snapping, “what the hell is the matter?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
There’s little traffic so Alex risks taking his eyes off the road to try and read Ben’s face. He wouldn’t put it past him to want to know if he’s ever had sex in a car or something equally as ridiculous but Ben refuses to look at him.
“I guess, as long as it doesn’t involve me having to pull over to prove I can perform some act of debauchery,” he says finally.
“It doesn’t,” Ben says with a grin, “though the idea’s not without merit. No, I was just wondering about something you said on Christmas Eve when we were playing scrabble.”
Alex tries to remember what he might have said a week ago. The only thing he can think of is his seven-letter word, ATRESIA.
“What? Atresia?”
“No, you dick, not that,” Ben shifts around so he’s facing Alex. “You said you liked kids but that you never thought you’d have any and that we haven’t talked about it.”
“Oh,” Alex says. He’s not sure what to say. It hasn’t occurred to him the subject would even be up for discussion, so he’s thought no more of it since that night. Truth be told, he isn’t entirely sure he understands what they are talking about.
“So,” Ben says, “do you want to talk about it?”
“I, uh, don’t know. Do you?”
“Maybe we should, don’t you think?”
Alex’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel and it feels as though his stomach is trying to turn itself inside out. The past week has been calm and things feel as though they’re returning to normal so the last thing Alex wants to do is get into a conversation that might upset that. To make it worse, he’s not sure how he wants this conversation to go if they do have it.
“Alex?”
“Yeah, I guess we should,” he says with a sigh. “Though I don’t have a clue what to say now.”
Ben huffs a short laugh, pulls his knee up against his chest, and rests his chin on it.
“You said you liked kids but you didn’t think you’d ever have any and I guess I know why you thought that,” he says. Alex nods but remains silent. “So, my question, Mr Davis, is do you want to have kids? Of your own, I mean.”
Alex concentrates on the road while he tries to arrange his thoughts. He can feel Ben’s eyes on him and not for the first time feels a pang of pity for witnesses under cross examination. Clears his throat. Somehow this is a lot harder to think about than he ever thought it would be, probably because he has never dreamed he would have to think about it so he tries to buy some time.
“When you say, kids of my own, do you mean like father them? Or adopt them?”
“Well either I guess. It’s not like one of us is going to be experiencing morning sickness and swollen ankles any time soon is it?” Ben says with a grin. “Adoption is a solution and there are plenty of kids out there needing families, but it can be slow and complicated. Surrogacy is legal in California but there’s the whole issue around knowing the surrogate and the egg donor and things. And then there’s the question of whether the birth mother is involved or not.”
“Wow, you know a lot about this,” Alex says, overawed. Of all the things he associates with, and loves about, Ben – humor, intelligence, cockiness, sweet tooth, his inability to suffer fools lightly or without sarcasm among them – children is not something he has ever even considered. Ben just shrugs.
“It’s a bit like you with the missing orifice thing, which I still can’t get my head around by the way, it’s kind of my job to know. I’ve worked with a few families on adoption and surrogacy issues.”
“Really? Were they straight or gay couples?”
“Why? Wanting a child is the same either way and California doesn’t discriminate on the grounds of sexual orientation.”
“Not on the surface, no, but you and I both know that there’s usually more to it than what’s on the surface.”
Ben pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s a habit Alex knows signals he’s trying to keep calm and he kicks himself.
“What have I told you about creating problems that don’t exist?” Ben says.
“So you’re saying that every same gender adoption or surrogacy case in California goes without problem?” Alex tries to keep his voice even, not wanting to argue.
“No, I’m not,” Ben says, “I’m saying that right now we’re simply having a conversation and there’s no point in arguing about issues that don’t exist yet.”
Alex thinks that over before replying.
“Yet?”
“Well depending on how this conversation goes we may or may not need to consider those issues but let’s worry about that then, okay?”
“Fair enough,” Alex says. He drives in silence for a moment, concentrating on the road disappearing under the wheels of the car, then takes a deep breath. “So, counsellor, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Do you want kids? Either your own or adopted?”
Ben is silent, and Alex can’t help but feel triumphant. Obviously, it’s not an easy question for Ben to answer either.
“Alex, I’m not like you,” Ben says, his tone gentle as he squeezes Alex’s knee. “Being gay has never been a problem for me. It’s never been an obstacle to anything in my life and I don’t see having a family as any different. A lot of gay people I know have kids and I’ve always just figured I would have some one day too. Although I like the idea of adopting I know the waits can be really long and I sort of like the idea of maybe…I don’t know…”
Alex is taken aback. He’s never seen Ben at a real loss for words.
“I guess I’m saying I wouldn’t discount adoption, but I’d like to father my own child too.”
Alex nods without saying anything. He doesn’t know what to say. If the idea of being in a relationship or getting married is something he’d never considered possible, having children is something he hasn’t ever bothered giving any thought to because it was so unlikely, in his opinion, that he had more chance of becoming the first man to walk on Jupiter.
“Alex?” Ben says.
“Processing is all,” Alex says with a small smile. In the back, Bart shifts around and settles again with a woof and Alex glances in the rear vision, sees nothing to be concerned with. He tries to concentrate on driving, but his head feels as though it’s going to explode with this new information.
“Just so you know,” Ben says, reaching over and taking his hand, “it’s not a deal breaker. Not with us. Okay? I mean, I know you like kids and I think you’d be a great parent but being with you is more important than anything else for me.”
Alex nods and offers a small smile.
“Okay,” he says.
Ahead he sees a roadside café, flicks the indicator and pulls in.
#
“I need coffee and to use the bathroom,” Alex says and when he sees the flash of worry in Ben’s eyes, tries to reassure him. “Just need to pee is all. If you W.A.L.K. Bart, I’ll go do that, and order.”
Before Ben can respond he’s striding toward the café, desperate to buy some time and calm both his stomach and his mind. He isn’t lying about needing to use the bathroom, but his stomach is knotted, and he needs a moment of quiet to get himself under control.
The bathroom is at the back of the café and he goes there first. Locking the stall door behind him, he leans his head against it and tells himself to breathe. Counts to ten. Tries to unravel why he’s panicking about what is nothing more than a conversation. A perfectly normal conversation between two people getting married. True, not one he ever thought he’d have but …
“Because I don’t want a child to go through what I went through,” he thinks and closes his eyes. Sucks in a deep breath. With every fiber of his being Alex believes Ben would be a great father. He just doesn’t know if he, Alex, would be. His stomach knots harder and he feels sweat pop on his forehead. As he drops to his knees in front of the toilet, knowing what’s coming, the blue Omega on his wrist swims into focus and he slumps against the cubicle wall.
For two and a half years Ben has been there, taking each slow and careful step with him, refusing to be put off as each dismal piece of Alex’s past has come to light. Instead of seeing Alex as damaged he’s seen him as something to love and protect, replacing bad memories with good ones the same way he replaced the cuff with this watch. Even their blow up on Christmas Eve was about Ben’s fear and not about Alex.
And now he’s not only saying he’d like to have a family with Alex, he’s saying he’s prepared to not have a family rather than be without him. While, he, Alex is behaving like a spoiled brat who got the wrong flavor candy at Christmas. He swipes his forearm over his head and leans forward, head between his knees, waiting for the wave of nausea to recede.
Maybe, he thinks, it’s time to grow up a little.
#
Ben puts the lead on Bart and lets the dog drag him around the carpark, trying to watch Alex in the café at the same time. He disappears toward the back, where Ben assumes the bathrooms must be, and is gone for far longer than he’s comfortable with.
“You’d think a lawyer would know when to shut the fuck up wouldn’t you Dork Dog?” he says to Bart. Bart wags his tail and puts his paws up on Ben’s thighs. “Dude, you’re all muddy. Seriously, how did you find the only puddle in the entire parking lot?”
He glances back at the café, sees Alex at the counter and sighs in relief. When he emerges with two takeaway cups and a small brown paper bag, Ben tugs the leash and they go back to the car. Bart is lapping water out of his travel bowl when Alex arrives and hands Ben his cup.
“We okay?” Ben asks, taking a sip.
Alex leans against the car, drinking his coffee and watching Bart. He looks as though he’s trying to decide what to say.
“I love kids, I do. But no, I didn’t think I’d have any,” he says finally, looking at his shoes. “And the idea that it might be possible scares the shit out of me, Ben. What if I’m like my mother? What if … her behavior is genetic?”
“Baby, you’re not, you won’t be,” Ben says.
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that,” Ben insists. “I know you.”
He waits, half expecting an argument, but Alex just smiles.
“Ben, I’m not going to have to sign a whole bunch of papers or um,” his voice drops to a whisper, “you know jerk off into some cup the minute we walk in the door tonight, am I?”
Ben’s sudden intake of breath as he’s trying to drink results in burning hot coffee spraying out through his nose and his having to bend over, eyes watering, while he catches his breath. Bart shoves his nose under his chin and licks his face while Alex thumps him on the back and hands him a napkin.
“Jesus, some warning before you say something like that next time, okay?” Ben says when he can finally breathe again.
Alex gives him an innocent smile that Ben does not buy for one minute.
“Ben, over the past two and a half years you have tried to kill me daily and when it’s not you, it’s your grandmother,” he says. “You owed me that one. I just want to be sure this isn’t already a done deal”
“Noted,” Ben says and wipes his mouth. He shakes his head. “No papers, no, uh, cups, no done deals.”
He finishes the last of his coffee and pitches the cup in the trash can a few feet away.
“So, what are you saying?” he asks.
“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure,” Alex replies. “What I do know is that I want a life with you and whatever that entails. Yes, the idea of kids freaks me out but let’s be honest, most things freak me out. So as long as I can have some time to get my head around the idea that this could actually happen, I think it’s something I’d like us to maybe… you know…”
“Do?”
“Yeah.”
Ben is, for possibly the first time in his life he admits, speechless.
“But,” Alex continues, “I’m serious, Ben, I don’t mean we have to wait for years but you have to let me get used to the idea and not try and make me rush into it.”
“When have I ever tried to rush you into anything?” Ben asks. Alex just looks at him, eyebrows raised, mouth twitching and he grins. “Okay, also noted.”
He leans forward and covers Alex’s mouth with his own, snakes an arm around his waist and pulls him to him. As he closes his eyes and runs the tip of his tongue along a trembling bottom lip, it occurs to him Alex isn’t looking around to see if anyone is watching. This doesn’t stop Alex pulling away too soon though and Ben frowns but when he opens his eyes there’s a brown paper bag in front of his face.
“Brownie,” Alex says with a smile.
“I love you,” Ben says.
“Course you do, I’m an enabler.”
#