14
“Alex for God’s sake can you come and get your dog?” Ben calls from the living room. “I have to get this finished.”
Alex emerges from the bedroom with a bundle of sheets in his arms.
“Give me a second while I dump these in the washer,” he starts to say but Ben shakes his head.
“No! Now.” Ben still has his back turned. “He’s driving me mad. He keeps chasing the damned ball under my desk. Just take him out or something so I can finish.”
Alex sighs. For over a month Ben has been in court, defending a homicide case and it is not going as well as he’d hoped. To add to the tension, Crawford and Langley are restructuring and although Ben has been made a junior partner, it means they’re expecting him to put in extra hours, even knowing his mother is ill. As a result, they haven’t been able to get down to see Allie and Polly since Thanksgiving and it’s now looking like it will be Christmas – another ten days – before they can. Ben’s mood has been spiraling downward for days. He’s snarling and snapping at everyone and everything everybody in the office is wary of him, a tearful Fiona had told Alex over the phone yesterday.
Neither Alex nor Bart have escaped his temper either. An hour ago he told Alex Bart had fleas, because he, Ben, has been scratching all day. In the face of Alex’s protest that Bart has been treated, Ben snapped that in that case he should change their laundry powder, obviously he is allergic to it.
He’s been at his desk now for most of the afternoon and, Alex notices, as he walks past with the sheets, is on his second glass of scotch. It’s not unusual for Ben to have a glass of scotch on a Sunday afternoon, especially if he’s working on something; it is however unusual for him to have more than one and even more so for him to not offer to make Alex a drink.
“I’ll take him for a run,” Alex says dumping the sheets in front of the washer and reaching for Bart’s lead. The Labrador bounds over, barking and biting at the leather strap.
“Jesus, Alex, I’m trying to work,” Ben snaps slamming his hand on the desk.
“Sorry,” Alex says clipping the lead on Bart’s collar. He opens the door, then pauses and turns back. “I love you.”
When there’s no reply he bites his lip and tries again.
“Ben?”
“What?”
Alex flinches at the impatience he hears in his tone.
“I said I love you.”
“Oh yeah, love you back.”
Frowning, Alex shuts the door behind them and leans his head against it until Bart whines. Worried he’ll bark and alert Ben they’re still there he clicks his tongue and they start moving.
They spend an hour at the dog park, doing laps, and throwing a ball around. On the way home, Alex stops and picks up Ben’s favorite Thai take-out and a bottle of wine, as a peace offering. When he opens the door to the apartment, Ben is still at his desk and the level of the scotch bottle is lower.
“I picked up Thai,” Alex calls.
There’s no answer and he sighs as he fills up Bart’s bowl, then loads the sheets from earlier into the washer and sets it to run. When he’s done, and Bart is chasing kibble around the kitchen, he fixes two plates of food, pours two glasses of wine, loads everything on a tray and goes through to the living room.
“I picked up Thai,” he says again.
Ben looks up and seems surprised to see him.
“Didn’t hear you come in. Thanks. I’ll eat mine here; I really need to try and finish this fucking thing.”
Disappointed to be eating alone yet again, Alex takes his plate and glass to him; picks up the Scotch bottle and glass and turns to go.
“Alex,” Ben says, and he stops, “I’m sorry about before; thank you for taking Bart out. It’s just this case is doing my head in.”
“Yeah, I know,” Alex says and tries to smile. “Eat your dinner before it gets cold.”
He puts away the bottle and the glass and goes back to his own plate. When he’s done, he gathers up the dishes and tops up the wine glasses. Ben grunts a thank you when Alex puts his on the desk.
“I’m going to read in bed, okay?” Alex says, hoping Ben will offer to join him.
They haven’t made love since Thanksgiving, and Alex feels unsettled. As much as he understands the strain Ben is under, the distance is taking its toll. Old familiar habits are creeping back in – he’s been running twice every day and is avoiding people at the dog park and the market. He threw up twice yesterday after Ben snapped at him over the phone to just make a decision and text him back. Adding to the growing sense of unease, Alex feels guilty.
Allie is sick and Ben’s under pressure at work, but Alex can’t help wanting the old Ben, his Ben back. So, he doubles his efforts to keep Bart under control, to be available if Ben wants him even though apparently, he doesn’t, and to make life easier for him at home.
Feeling sad and more than a little sorry for himself, Alex puts his wine glass on the bedside table, strips down to his boxers, thinks about cleaning his teeth, decides to wait until after he’s finished his wine and gets into bed. A minute later, Bart pads in and curls up in his basket at the end of the bed. An hour later, lids drooping, he marks his place, gets up and cleans his teeth, and turns the light out.
Around midnight, he feels Ben slide into bed next to him and turns over to wrap his arms around him. Dips his head and presses a kiss behind Ben’s ear.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Ben says.
“I don’t mind,” Alex says and tries to run his hand up Ben’s chest. Ben catches him by the wrist, stopping him, and presses his head back against Alex’s.
“I’m tired,” he says.
“Oh, okay.”
A minute later soft snores come from the other pillow. Alex withdraws his arm and lays on his back in the dark for a long time fingering the strap of his watch.
#
Alex turns the alarm off before it can buzz and gets up; Ben doesn’t stir. He dresses in his running gear and clicks his fingers to Bart. As they go through the living room, Alex collects the empty wine bottle to drop in the recycling bin downstairs. He only had two half glasses which means Ben drank most of it on top of at least three glasses of scotch.
“He’s going to be fun when he wakes up,” Alex tells Bart as he drops the bottle in the bin. Bart wags his tail and pulls on his lead; he knows this routine. Alex ruffles his coat and they set off. At the dog park, they do three circuits before returning home.
Ben is in the kitchen, shaved, dressed, and drinking coffee while reading the paper, when Alex opens the door.
“Morning,” Alex says and starts filling Bart’s bowl.
Ben looks up and Alex is pleased when he sees he’s smiling.
“Good run?” he asks.
“Yeah, we just went down to the park and did circuits. Meg had Bella and Daisy there so Bart played with them for a bit.”
Alex pours himself coffee and sits down, relaxing a little for the first time in days, since it doesn’t look as though they’re going to argue this morning. His phone chimes and Claire’s name floats on the screen; he thumbs the message and grins.
“Claire wants to know if we’ve settled on April or May so they can close off the restaurant for the day.”
Ben puts his paper down and clears his throat.
“I’ve been thinking,” he says, “with everything that’s going on, you know with work and with mom just starting the second round of chemo, maybe we should postpone the wedding for a bit.”
Alex jerks his head up.
“Why?”
“Well like I just said, with everything happening at work and you’ve said yourself you’re swamped since they’ve cut back on therapists, and with mom being sick, I just think it would be sensible.”
“I don’t understand,” Alex says staring at Ben, his mouth open, trying to get his mind around what’s happening and feeling as though he’s been ambushed. His stomach turns in on itself and he pushes his coffee cup away as he fights to remain calm.
Ben sighs and doesn’t bother to hide his annoyance.
“What’s to understand? I’m only talking a couple of months while things settle down.”
“If … if that’s what you really want, then I guess …” Alex doesn’t even know how to finish the sentence, doesn’t know what to say that isn’t no, screamed at the top of his lungs.
Ben looks at his watch.
“Shit, I’m late. God, I hope the Judge’s summation is quick.” He grabs his satchel. “I’ll probably be late and I doubt I’ll be able to call, so eat without me.”
The door slams behind him and Alex sits staring at the bench, breathing through his nose and fingering his watch band. After a moment, he stands up, walks to the sink and vomits his half cup of coffee into it. Searches under the sink for some bleach, uses it to rinse out the sink, then goes to get ready for work.
#