Bag in hand, I drag my feet as I walk slowly down the stairs of my flat at New Beginnings.

How ironic. I’ve felt so lost for a long time and now that I finally feel I’m exactly where I belong, I have to fucking leave.

It’s not even been twelve hours since my mum rang, and even though I haven’t left yet, the heartache tears through my soul already. It burns like acid, spluttering and oozing, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m abandoning my heart—my whole life—here.

Even though I haven’t seen my father in over a decade, I have to see him now before it’s too late.

I look up as I walk through the stables to go to the main house to say my goodbyes, and my eyes fall on Thunder as I realise he’s watching me. I stop in front of him. His intelligent, brown eyes look as sad as I feel, and, gingerly, I raise my hand and place it on his soft neck.

“This fucking sucks,” I mutter and rest my forehead against his warmth.

He blows softly, twisting his neck as he reaches down to nip at my jacket. I push past the burning in my throat and take a deep breath. I don’t know what it is about this horse, but I’m sad to leave him, too.

“Take care of my girls, boy.”

Trying to find the courage—even the desire—to get on my way kills me inside, but I must. Resolutely, I back away from the horse that’s come to mean a lot to me in such a short amount of time, and I head out into the soft drizzle falling from above. The morning seems peaceful, even when there’s a war raging inside me. Somehow, I feel like the elements should reflect my inner turmoil, but it’s like any other day.

Quiet. Cold, but not uncomfortable, despite it being the end of September already.

The taxi I’ve arranged to take me to the airport comes up the driveway, and I jerk my chin at the driver when I catch his eyes, signalling him to wait by the stables as I walk to the house.

When the front door opens, I frown, confused when all the ladies of the house come out to send me off. Ailith’s tear-stricken face sends another sharp pain through my heart. It’s almost too hard to bear.

“What’s all this?” I ask as I crouch down to meet her eyes. Her chin wobbles, making it almost impossible for me to hold the sharp intake of my breath inside. The utter sadness and hopelessness in her usually bright, sunny self, fill me with grief.

“Mummy said you’re go-going away,” she sniffles. “But I don’t understand why?! You promised you wouldn’t leave!” she cries.

Tears prick behind my eyes. I reach out for her hands and pull her gently down the last step and put my arms around her small frame.

“Shh, shh, girlie. I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to. You know that, don’t you?”

Anger flares back at me, making her look exactly like her mum.

“Then why, Kristian? I don’t understand.”

I wet my lips as I glance up at Laura. Her eyes are red as if she’s been crying as much as Ailith, and I have to swallow the thickness in my throat to keep my own tears away.

“You haven’t told her?” I ask once I’ve found my voice again.

She crosses her arms in front of her.

“No. I thought it best you did.”

The flatness of her voice makes irritation seethe in my gut, but I don’t want to taint our goodbye with anger. To leave us both with memories of harsh words between us when there’s no reason to.

I sigh deeply and gaze into Ailith’s eyes, hoping I’m able to ease her heartache even for a little bit.

“My dad is sick, girlie,” I tell her slowly, weighing my words. “I have to go home and see him before…”

I can’t finish. A part of me wants to say, Fuck it, and ignore his dying wish, but there’s a good chance I’ll regret it if I do.

“But, you’ll come back?” Ailith’s hesitant question sends another wave of sadness through my heart. I lean closer towards her, making sure to keep her eyes locked with mine.

“Yes,” I whisper. “I’ll come back.” I glance back at Laura. “My life is here now. Of course I’ll come back.”

When Ailith wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly, I breathe in her sweetness, hoping it won’t be long until I see her smiling brightly at me again.

“You’re my home,” I whisper into her ear before I press a quick kiss to her temple. “I swear I’ll come home as fast as I can.”

She sniffles once, nodding against my shoulder, before I reluctantly let her go. As I straighten my back, I give her a small smile and then take a step towards Laura.

Placing my hands in the back pocket of my jeans, I wish I could say everything my heart is screaming at me to say to this strong woman who means more than the world to me.

Tell me to stay.

Marry me.

Be mine.

But…the words remain hidden, lodged in my throat. Instead, I shuffle my feet and nod once at Wenn. The sympathy in her eyes makes me realise how much I’ll miss her as well.

“Take care of my girls?” I ask her.

She smiles gently at me and grabs Ailith’s hand in hers, squeezing it. I can’t bring myself to look at my girl for too long, or I’ll never go. And I have to.

“Always, lad. You just do what you have to do and get back to us when you can.”

I turn my head to Laura, still feeling utterly hopeless at the dull look in her eyes. Where’s the sparkle? The fiery passion? Where is she?

“Come, Ailith,” Wenn’s voice breaks my thoughts and I raise my eyes at them, “let’s give your mum and Kristian a bit of privacy.”

Before she passes me, she gives me a one-armed hug, and with a small wave from Ailith, they leave us alone.

“So,” I blow out a long exhale and straighten my back, “aren’t you going to kiss me goodbye?”

Laura’s head snaps to me, and I gasp softly at the heartache shining back at me now. Panic hits me in my heart when she starts to shake her head, and I take a step closer and wrap my arms around her waist. Almost desperate, I yank her towards me as the need to feel her close to me flares up, setting my own skin on fire. Her back is as stiff as a board, and I huff, frustrated that she won’t melt into my arms like she usually does.

“Don’t do this,” I beg on a broken whisper, the breaths of our lips blending together, we’re that close. “Don’t deny me one more taste, sweetheart. I can’t bear it.”

“I don’t think I can,” she whispers, her voice as uneven as mine.

I shake her a little, overwhelmed with agony.

“This is not a forever goodbye, wildcat,” I growl. “If you even think that for a second, I’m going to spank that pretty arse of yours until you won’t be able to sit still for a week. You hear me?”

“What?!” Her eyes widen, no doubt shocked I’d even suggest such a thing. “How dare you? Just go, Kristian. Let me go cry in peace, okay? I’m barely holding on, and you delaying like this?” She pushes my arms, but I refuse to loosen my tight hold on her. “Ugh,” she puffs.

“Why won’t you listen to me?” I mutter. “I’ll be back before you know it. Why do you refuse to believe that? Why?”

Tears spill down her cheeks and I rest my forehead on hers. Her anguish shatters me.

“Because it hurts, Kristian,” she sobs, her small body trembling violently in my arms. I strengthen my hold, trying to hold all the pieces wrapped up in my arms.

“It hurts like nothing ever has before. And…” Her breath hitches as she blinks through her tears. “And I’m afraid.”

“Tell me why,” I beg.

“I…I wrote you a letter last night,” she starts, only confusing me even further. She leans away from me and pulls out a long, wrinkled envelope from her back pocket and hands it to me. I hesitate for a beat, but then take it carefully from her outstretched hand. It feels like I’m holding a live snake between my fingers.

“Why? Is this a Dear John letter?” I snap. “Because I will fucking not accept that.”

Laura shakes her head and I feel slightly mollified at the loving way her eyes roam my face.

“It’s not. Promise me you won’t read it until you’re up in the air?” she breathes.

“Laura…,” I start, but she silences my protest and puts her index finger over my lips.

“Please, baby.” It’s impossible to refuse her when she looks at me like that—those sad, grey eyes that always hold so many secrets from me are my downfall. “You’ll understand why I wrote it once you’ve read it. And…I hope you’ll understand why I can’t tell you my story in any other way. Before you decide to come back…”

“My decision’s already made,” I interrupt.

She frames my face in her hands and I feel winded as if from a blow as her stare turns intense.

“Take some time to think about it,” she whispers softly. “Please do this for me?”

My frown deepens as I think about her request. The answer is obvious, of course. It always will be when it comes to her.

“Okay,” I nod. “But when I get back to you, we are going to have a fucking long chat about you not telling me things that I need to hear from your own lips. Give that to me, at least.”

She wipes her cheeks dry as I keep her eyes locked with mine, and I hold my breath as I wait for her to give in.

“Waiting,” I murmur as my lips pull up into a sad smile. “Always waiting. But do you want to know what I thought for a split second just before we kissed for the first time?”

She tilts her head at me, confusion taking the place of the sadness.

“What?”

“I thought that, for you, I’d wait for all eternity, sweetheart—no matter what. That hasn’t changed.”

Her jaw turns slack as her mouth forms an ‘O’, clearly surprised by my words. The taxi honks, interrupting our goodbye, and I take a deep breath.

“Kiss me,” I plead and thread my fingers through her soft hair. “Don’t deny me that.”

Slowly, she raises her arms and wraps them around my neck as she gets up on her toes. I bend my head and wait for her mouth to reach mine, needing her to make the first move just this once, and as soon as I feel her soft lips—and taste the sweetness of her—I sigh. Our mouths fuse together as we take our time and, heart pounding in my chest, I pour my love for her into our kiss, trying to show her the depth of my feelings.

But at some point, we have to stop, and when I feel her small hands twitch around my neck, I end our kiss.

“I’ll text you when I land. No matter what your letter says, I’ll do that. I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Thank you,” she whispers as her arms glide down my body. She takes a step back, and I sigh as I have to let go of her body until nothing but my fingertips touch the tip of her soft flannel shirt.

“Goodbye, baby,” she breathes, her eyes misting again. Before I start to bawl like a baby, I pick up my suitcase and back slowly away from her.

“See you soon,” I call out as she turns away and goes back into the house.

She gives me one last, long, loving look before she pushes the door closed. On a soft click, she shuts it and the agony flares up in my chest.

Silently, I repeat my vow to her and Ailith in my head.

I will come back.

I reach the taxi driver and, still keeping my eyes on the house, wishing Laura would open the door again—knowing that she won’t—I hand him my suitcase when he gets out of the car. With a heavy heart, I finally turn around and get inside, slamming the door. I keep my head down as I slump in my seat, unable to avoid the sight of the letter Laura gave me. I clutch it in my right hand, simultaneously curious and repelled by it.

What secrets has Laura decided to reveal now we’ve run out of time?

A sense of foreboding settles in my heart as I force my grip to relax, and while there’s no doubt in my heart that I won’t be gone for long, a shiver runs down my spine as I stare at Laura’s neat handwriting.

On my way to the airport, a small seed of doubt takes root in my gut and my mind runs wild as I imagine what the letter says.

Maybe her love isn’t strong enough to withstand the time we’ll be apart?

Even thinking it makes my lungs contract painfully.

But then why does it feel like this is the end?

No. I refuse to believe that.

“It won’t be,” I murmur, fisting the letter until my knuckles turn white.

“What’s that?” the taxi driver says and I look up, clenching my teeth.

“Nothing.”

He shrugs and looks back at the road.

“Going on a holiday, are ye?”

He glances at me in his rear-view mirror.

I shake my head and release the letter, trying to flatten it against my thighs. I promised Laura I’d read it, so that’s what I’ll do.

“No. Just need to settle something in my past, so I can get on with my future.”

I stare hard out of the window, not in the mood to talk, and luckily, the driver catches on, because he doesn’t say another word until we reach the airport half an hour later.

“Good luck, lad,” he winks at me as I reach forward in my seat to pay him.

I smile grimly at him and nod before I get out, but when he hands me my luggage, I attempt a friendlier smile.

“Thank you,” I say as I grab my suitcase and head into the busy airport.

It doesn’t take me long to check in and since I lingered for longer at the farm, I just barely make it in time for boarding.

Only half listening to the stewardess droning on in that fake, upbeat tone of voice that seems to be mandatory wherever you travel, I glance out the window and look at the depressing rain pouring down outside.

Soon after, my stomach coils as the plane takes off, and I grimace as I leave my new home behind me.

“Would you like some breakfast, sir?”

I turn my head and nod at the friendly, blonde stewardess standing in the aisle. Her eyes are kind and patient as she waits for my answer.

“Yes, please,” I sigh, only now noticing how hungry I am, and I take the tray from her.

As she turns to greet the travellers opposite me, I put Laura’s letter down on the seat next to me and shrug off my jacket. Bracing myself for what I’m about to read, I take a long sip of my coffee and sigh heavily.

I almost snort when I notice my hands shaking badly. I’m not used to feeling this nervous, but one thing I’ve come to realise the past three months is that Laura brings out sides of me I never knew existed.

Protectiveness.

Vulnerability.

“Fuck,” I breathe and open the envelope, almost tearing it to pieces, but I force myself to slow down a little as I pull out the thick band of folded paper. My breathing speeds up as I count the pages roughly—there must be at least fifteen.

Shit. Laura must have been up all night writing it.

Then I start reading.

Dearest Kristian,

Living with a man who turns into a monster almost every night for years makes you lose a part of your own humanity.

I almost wish I didn’t have to tell you what happened two years ago, but if we are ever to have a future together, I know I must. You deserve to know all there is to me, even the inhuman part. I only wish I had the courage to tell you everything face to face, but we have run out of time, leaving me no other choice but to write a letter instead.

Brace yourself, baby. This is the kind of story that will hurt.

My heart clenches and I close my eyes briefly. Somehow, it feels as if Laura is sitting right beside me, holding my hand, and an eerie calm settles in my body as I reopen my eyes to continue.

I told you that James is dead—and this is the truth.

What I failed to mention, however, is that I am the reason he is no longer amongst the living.

Two years ago, I reached breaking point, and I killed him.

I killed my own husband…and to this day, I do not regret it.