“Trish, I need you to take me out tomorrow night,” I sigh to my best friend.

“Well, that’s not demanding or anything,” she chuckles in my ear.

I clutch the phone tighter in my hand.

“Sorry,” I mutter, abashed. “If you have other plans, I understand.”

“Just teasing you, gawgeous! I’m positively dying for a girl’s night out. You’re on!”

Smiling, I sit down on my bed, drying my wet hair with a towel. I look out at the sunset, feeling happy with my decision to go out and live a little.

“Thank you. It’s Ailith’s big day tomorrow, but if all goes well, Mum has promised to take her out to dinner and a movie, just the two of them. So I’ll be ready about five-ish—is that good with you?”

“Of course. Do you want me to come by, pick you up? Then we’ll hit the pubs, get something to eat, and I can tell you all about my new boy toy.” Trish cackles loudly, and I can’t help but chuckle at her girlish excitement.

Trish is my exact opposite, but come hell or high water, she’s always been there for me. Even when I pushed her away, her love for me didn’t waver.

“Are you sure my ears can handle more of your stories?” I tease her. “I still haven’t recovered from you telling me all about the swingers club the two of you went to.”

“Oh, my gosh, Laura, you’re too young to act like a dried-up spinster whose muff has been sewn together.”

I gasp at her crudeness and push my palm over my mouth to cover it up.

“Of course you can handle it,” Trish goes on in a lower voice. “In fact, Charles told me one of his friends from the club is looking for a lady friend, and…”

“Don’t go there,” I interrupt her, my mellow mood taking a backseat. I don’t want to hear it.

“Laura, please hear me out,” she pleads softly. “He’s not looking for something permanent or anything like that. He just wants to get a steady, err, well, fuck buddy.”

I wince as dread of where this is headed settles in my belly.

“Charming, I’m sure. Look, Trish, let’s talk about that tomorrow, yeah? I have to go down and help Mum with the books.”

Her voice softens in my ear.

“Okay, babe, but think about it, please? When’s the last time you got down on your knees and let a man fuck you into oblivion?”

“Don’t remember, and I don’t care. I’ve got my bullet to see to my needs.”

She huffs. “Hmm, well it’s not the same as a big, thick, hard –”

“Goodbye, Trish,” I sing into the phone.

“Fine, fine,” she sighs. “But this conversation isn’t over, Laura. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Mm-hmm,” I murmur, already half regretting the fact that I asked her out.

“I can’t wait to see you! Bye, darling,” she squeals in my ear. Before I get the chance to say anything else, the line goes dead.

“Well, crap,” I mutter, tossing the phone on my bed.

I get up from my bed and let the towel fall to my feet. Not in the mood to look at my body—to be assaulted with memories or the story it will tell—I avoid the floor-length mirror next to my bedroom door, turning my back to it. Quickly, I put on a sports bra, a black turtleneck, black yoga pants, and some woollen socks. Satisfied to be covered up, I turn to my nightstand, find a hair-tie and pull my hair back in a French braid.

“Kiss me.”

Kristian’s words from earlier today flash into my head, and I scrunch my nose, annoyed with myself. The arrogance of his dare fires up my temper again. I don’t understand why I seem unable to forget him—why I’m letting him get under my skin—and have thought about him every five minutes since he left with Lise.

But who’s counting?

“Go to hell,” I mutter.

“Who’re you talking to, Mummy?”

Startled, I jump as I turn around on the spot. Ailith is standing in the doorway, frowning at me.

I put a hand on my wildly beating heart.

“Oh, my gosh, sweetie, please don’t creep up on me like that.”

“I wasn’t. I knocked before I came in.” She wraps her arms around her waist. She’s already in her nightgown, shivering a little. The warm summer nights are almost over now.

I walk closer and stopping in front of her, I give her an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry, I must have been lost in my thoughts.”

“So, who were you talking about?”

Shaking my head, I hold my hand out to her and lead her out of the room.

“No one,” I murmur as we take the stairs down. “Absolutely no one.”

* * *

From Laura’s Journal

Flirting with a man was something I excelled at once. I was a pro at ensnaring a man, keeping him for a while, and then tossing him away once I was done with him. The cat and mouse game was fun—letting a man think that he had worn me down was almost the best part—allowing him to believe that he was this big hot shot while it was my plan all along was empowering. I enjoyed it, too, and perhaps that was the reason for my downfall. I was too focussed on the game—the chase—that I became blinded by my own arrogance.

Such a fool.

Pride goes before the fall, as they say.

And boy, did I fall.

One day, I found myself on cloud frigging nine, soaring high in the sky. Invincible. Undefeated.

The next, I plummeted to the ground, shocked to my very core. Beaten. Overpowered.

Shivering in my cage, cowering like a dog whose heart and soul had been bruised by its master, I did not believe in a way out.

Except…I found my way at last. And I had Ailith with me—that was all that mattered in the end. It still is.

And now, when I think back on the three encounters I have had with Kristian, I remind myself of the past. I force myself to remember that letting down my guard—becoming consumed with lust or attraction or whatever the hell it is—will only bring me down a second time.

That is unacceptable.

I cannot let down my guard, not for a second. I just have to keep reminding my libido of that, and then life will go on as before.

It has to be like this.

It just has to.

* * *

I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding in my ears.

My legs are tangled up in the blankets, and my breaths burst hard and fast from my lips.

There’s sweat on my forehead, but it’s not the clammy kind brought on by a bad dream. So it wasn’t a nightmare that woke me up. But what was it?

I disentangle my legs from my sheets and place a palm on my chest, trying to control my breathing. While my heart slowly ceases its relentless hammering against my rib cage, my breaths don’t slow down. I frown as I attempt to take stock of my surroundings—maybe Ailith woke up from a bad dream and called out to me. But she isn’t in my room, and if I squint hard enough, I can just make out the closed door to my bedroom in the glow from the full moon shining through my windows.

I kick the blankets away, still with a sense of urgency running through my veins, and I finally realise why I woke up.

The throbbing between my legs is difficult to ignore. I run my right hand across my hardened nipples over my night shirt, gasping as my touch sends a shock wave through my body at the friction.

“Crap,” I whisper. Feeling a blush creeping up my neck, I turn around to lie flat on my stomach.

I don’t need this right now. I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand, groaning when I realise it’s only three a.m. I have to be up in three hours.

Sighing, I roll back to lie flat on my back and close my eyes, willing myself to fall asleep again.

My body ignores my demand.

“Kiss me.”

Moaning at the memory, the throbbing intensifies, and I rub my thighs against each other, trying to alleviate the building tension. It’s no use, and, almost in anger, I shove my right hand up to fondle my breast while my left finds its way into my knickers.

I gasp as my index finger finds my clit, and I pinch my nipple hard.

“Oh, crap,” I whimper as more wetness gathers in my pussy. I can’t stop now. I rub my clit, sighing as I imagine Kristian’s head between my legs, going down on me. When I think about his full, firm lips, I picture them sucking on my clit.

With a wild urgency I can’t remember having felt in so long, I release my breast and turn to rummage through my drawer. My breath comes out in shallow beats, urging me to keep the pressure on my pussy, but I resist.

I find the bullet quickly, hoping I’ve remembered to change the batteries. A small smile of victory forms on my lips when I turn on the switch and the low, buzzing sound fills the silence in my bedroom. I bite my lower lip as I lie back down on the bed, widening my legs. I bend my knees, and slowly, I put the bullet on my clit. A low moan escapes my lips as pleasure shoots through my over sensitised skin.

I apply more pressure on my clit and push two fingers inside my pussy, all the while my imagination runs wild with images of Kristian worshipping my body with his mouth, his teeth, his tongue.

As the pressure builds, I finger fuck my pussy, and at last, tingles radiate all over my body, and the orgasm explodes through me. I have to turn my head and bite my pillow to prevent myself from calling out his name as I come, riding my fingers, drawing out the very last ripples of the pleasure wave.

“Bollocks,” I whisper as I come down from my high. It’s been a really long time since I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, completely turned on and yearning for the touch of a man.

When you go without sex for a long time, you bury the needs you used to have. I haven’t missed them until now. But, bam, here they are, back in full force. Awakened because some stupid, arrogant, tattooed guy asked me to kiss him.

“It won’t happen.”

Saying the words out loud feels good, but a small thought niggles in my head, taunting and teasing me, because somehow, I’m not so sure I believe it anymore.

I look at my alarm clock again, sighing as my eyelids start to grow heavy. Turning to lie on my stomach, I pull the blankets up to cover my body, and as sleep overtakes me, I smile slowly.

I forgot how good it felt to give in to my urges, but maybe I shouldn’t hold them back again.

* * *

With happy tears misting my eyes, I watch Ailith thank the judge when he puts puts the blue ribbon on Lady’s harness.

“I’m so proud,” Mum murmurs beside me.

I nod as I take a shaky breath.

“Me, too. A second place in this class is more than she’d hoped for.”

I touch Mum’s hand as she places it on my shoulder and smile at her when she winks.

“I best find an outfit to wear into town. Got to keep my promise to her.”

My smile grows as I look back at the arena and my beautiful girl. She’s leant over her saddle, her arms wrapped around Lady’s neck, and I laugh when I see Ailith chattering to her pony. Her smile is so big I’m surprised it doesn’t crack her cheeks.

“Will you be okay tonight when we go out?”

Mum’s question makes me turn my head and I raise my eyes at her.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

She shrugs as worry replaces the warmth in her eyes.

“I just think you should get out more, Laura. Live a little.”

Sighing, I look away from her.

“Don’t start, please. I’m perfectly happy at home. It gives me an excuse to be lazy for once. To put my feet up and get some uninterrupted reading time.”

“Laura, a woman your age shouldn’t stay home every weekend. She should…”

“Mum, please. Don’t. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve actually made plans to go out with Trish tonight, instead of staying in.”

Mum beams at me, and I just barely suppress rolling my eyes at her.

“Oh, how lovely. Do you need me to drive you into town?”

I shake my head and clap as all the contestants walk their horses around in a circle, waving at the audience.

“No, she’s coming by to pick me up. We’re going to Oran Mor after we’ve had some dinner, and then we’ll see what happens. I won’t be home late, though.”

“Ah, don’t worry about that,” Mum waves off my reassurances. “You’re a big girl. I know you can take care of yourself.”

I nod slowly at her words.

Yeah. I can definitely do that.

“You need a new haircut,” Mum interrupts my thoughts as I wipe long strands of hair from my eyes.

I shrug lightly.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s getting a bit too much to handle, isn’t it?”

She purses her lips and tilts her head at me.

“Just a bit.”

I roll my lips between my teeth, wondering for the umpteenth time if a drastic change like cutting my hair is exactly what I need in order to take another step forward and away from my past.

I release my lips from my teeth and smile at her, already feeling a bit excited at the prospect of a change.

“I’ll ask Trish to give me the number of her stylist.”

Mum nods resolutely at me. The relief in her eyes warms my insides and I give her shoulder a mild squeeze, letting her know I’m okay. Then I turn my head back to the contestants.

I wave at Ailith as she passes us and blow her a kiss. The utter joy in her eyes as she puffs out her chest in pride sings to my soul. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt such happiness, but I hope it won’t be long until I feel it again.

As the riders turn around to trot out of the jumping arena, Mum takes my hand.

“That man who came yesterday,” she starts, as we walk to the small paddock where Ailith is heading.

I tense, but keep my answer light.

“What about him?”

“Ailith told me you’d met him before, at Waterstones in Glasgow. That’s quite a coincidence, isn’t it?”

I bite my lip, nodding carefully.

“Yes, I guess so. Actually, I also bumped into him when I went to the bank a couple of days ago. Funny, isn’t it?”

Mum tilts her head at me, a small smile grazing her lips.

“That it is. Three meetings in three days...hmm.”

This time, I do turn my eyes to the heavens. I already know where this is going, and I’m not amused.

“Don’t hmm me, Mum. It’s just a funny coincidence, but that’s it.”

“If you say so, my dear. But don’t forget where we are.” She stops, releases my hand and turns in a slow circle. “In the land of the Scots, where magic still lives in every little thing.”

Groaning, I put a hand over my eyes.

“Not this again,” I mumble. Sighing, I lift my head and look hard into her soft eyes. “Magic doesn’t exist. The end.”

Mum starts walking again, but casts a teasing look in my direction when I don’t follow her at once.

“Just wait and see, Laura. You might be surprised.”

I look to the sky, inclined to stomp my foot at her like a child, but then I let it go when I hear the sound of Ailith shouting my name. She jumps down from Lady and almost forgets to keep her hands on the reins as she removes her helmet. I’m not worried the old pony will wander off, though—she never leaves Ailith’s side when they’re together.

Ignoring Mum and her tendency to lose her head in ancient superstitious drivel, I beam at her and pick up my pace to meet her.

“Look, Mummy, look!” Ailith is almost jumping on the spot, and when Mum takes Lady’s reins, I pick up my girl and hug her tightly, spinning us around and around in a circle.

Her joyful laugh fills my cold heart with warmth and I kiss her soundly on her cheek.

“So, so, so proud of you, sweetie,” I whisper. My lips tremble with pent-up emotions.

“Thank you,” she whispers back. “This is the best day ever.”

Mum laughs as she runs a hand down Lady’s neck. Her laughing eyes meet mine briefly, making me grin.

“Mine, too,” I tell Ailith before I place her on her feet. “I think an ice cream to celebrate is in order, don’t you?” I ask as I run my hand down her cheek.

She throws her small fists in the air, making me laugh harder.

“Yes!”

“I’ll take Lady over to the trailer and meet you there,” Mum says as she hands me her wallet. I shake my head at her and refuse to take it.

“Not this time,” I tell her as I take Ailith’s hand in mine. “This round is on me. Let’s go.”