“Go, boy, go!” I shout as I jump on Thunder’s back and grab onto his long mane.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I lean down, making my body as small as possible as he takes off. His muscles quiver between my thighs as we ride in the heavy rain, taking us further and further away from the house.

I don’t care about the rain.

I don’t care about home.

All I do care about is my own heartache that tears through my chest. It doesn’t matter how fast the horse underneath me runs—he can’t outrun the pain, or the crippling loneliness that seeps into my soul.

Cold…that’s what loneliness feels like.

The lightning above makes Thunder jerk in fright, causing me to wobble in my seat, and through the fog of my tears, I force myself to pay attention.

The old, sensible Laura is still here, it would seem, because as Ailith’s smile flashes through my mind, I try to catch my bearings. I know the hills around me better than my own back pocket, but the ground is soggy from all the heavy rain we’ve been getting the last few days, and I’d be stupid if I didn’t pay heed to my own safety.

“Whoa, Thunder, slow down,” I croon, clamping my thighs harder against him, silently asking him to obey me. Once he stops completely, his breaths coming out in heavy puffs, I lean down to rest my cheek against his neck.

I shiver in the cold rain, and mentally slap myself for not putting on my fleece jumper before I took off like that. Staying at home, trying to ignore the compassionate looks Mum gave me, was unbearable.

“By now, Kristian will have read my letter,” I whisper softly into the afternoon once my tears have subsided. “What will he think of me?”

Despite the torrential rain, the silence is deafening.

“I’m a coward, Thunder,” I whisper, “a coward and a fool.”

Defeat washes over me, through my wet clothes, and settles in my heart like a cold blanket from which you’ll never gain any warmth. I start to tremble and sniffle, breathing in the familiar, calming scent of horse and rain.

“We need to get home,” I sigh and straighten up slowly. Blinking through the curtain of rain, I cluck my tongue and knead my fingers through Thunder’s thick mane again. “Please take me home?” I plead, my voice lifeless and like that of a small child who no longer has any hope in her heart.

Thunder snorts once and I settle on his back as he turns around and trots back to the farm.

My mind is whirling with rampant thoughts, and I can’t seem to grasp onto a single one as we approach the one place that I used to call my sanctuary.

However, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.

I raise my head and glance up at the sky, scanning it for a plane, but then shake my head at my stupidity.

My sanctuary—my safe haven—isn’t here now.

Instead, he’s flying home, and all I can do now is wait for him to return.

If he ever will.

* * *

“Being pregnant stinks,” Trish sulks into her bowl of ice cream.

It’s been a full day since I said goodbye to Kristian, and while he texted me like he promised, that’s all I’ve heard from him.

My head is telling me not to expect to hear from him again.

To give up and go back to they way things were before he came into my life.

Yet, my heart is stubborn…it’s urging me to keep hoping against hope. It’s telling me to fight for him—for me and my happiness—but it’s not easy.

I’ve been staring out in the air for I don’t know how long, but the defeated sigh from my friend pulls me back to the present. My lips pull up in a half-hearted smile and I sit back in the rocking chair in our kitchen. I give Trish a proper once-over as she slouches on the bench at the kitchen table across from me. The truth is that she’s never looked more beautiful than she does now that she’s expecting—her blonde hair is shiny, her cheeks a soft blush, and the small freckles on her upturned nose only enhance her beauty. But it’s not easy being a woman in the early stages of pregnancy.

“Morning sickness?” I ask her gently.

“Yes!” she exclaims, waving the spoon so hard, a dollop of ice cream lands on the floor next to her leg. I look down at Sally when she gets up from her bed and pads over the hardwood floor to clean it up.

I sigh lightly and stir the melting chocolate ice cream in my bowl resting on my lap.

“I’m sorry, honey. But it’ll pass soon, I promise.”

Trish nods as she places her palm on her still-flat belly. A soft smile grazes her lips, and for the first time since Kristian went home, I feel a small spark of excitement bubbling up in my throat, and I grin at her.

“You’ll be a wonderful mother.” I get up from my seat to sit down next to her. I take her hand in mine and squeeze it gently. “How’s Alex taking the news?”

She beams at me, and that’s pretty much all I need to see.

“He’s happy, like me,” she whispers and I frown when her smile turns lopsided. “But we’re not together, Laura. You know that.”

I nod and place my arm on the table, resting my head in my upturned palm.

“Yeah, but…you’ve still got another six months, give or take, to get used to the idea of becoming parents. Maybe you’ll change your minds before Little Bean gets here.”

She blushes and avoids my eyes.

“We’ll see.”

I decide to let her off the hook and we fall silent for a spell. The warmth from the Aga stove is comfortable, familiar, and soothing.

“How are you doing, babe?” Trish whispers then.

I blow out a long breath.

“I’m not doing so good,” I sniffle and blink the treacherous tears away. “The pain in my heart…it’s overwhelming,” I admit as I raise my head to meet her gaze.

“But, he’s coming back.” Her grip on my hand tightens as she shuffles closer.

“I’m not so sure,” I murmur.

The confusion in her eyes makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I’ve never kept any secrets from her. I’m not about to start now.

“I told him everything about James,” I explain.

Her soft gasp fills the silent room.

“Everything?”

Nodding, I pull my legs up on the bench until they’re crossed.

“Wait,” she starts, “what do you mean?”

“When he told me about his father turning up, only to lay dying in hospital back home, I wrote him a letter.” Wetting my lips, I look down. “It seems silly, I know, but I didn’t want him to leave without knowing the truth.”

“Oh, gosh,” she breathes.

“Yeah,” I smile sadly at her. “I never thought I’d tell someone else—a man I absolutely adore—that the woman he’s been seeing for a while is actually a murderess.”

“Hey,” she admonishes me, “you’re not. It was self-defence, Laura. You know it as well as I do—and besides, that’s what the courts ruled as well.”

“Even so, it’s not a tale I ever wanted to tell him.” My eyes brim with tears and this time, I allow them to fall. Completely unable to remain strong for another minute, and feeling achy all over, I just don’t have the strength to remain resilient anymore.

“I don’t think he’s coming back to me. To Ailith. She’s already asked me when he’ll be home ten times today, Trish,” I cry and put a palm over my mouth, trying to keep the heartache inside. “What am I going to tell her?”

Trish scoots closer and wraps her arms around me, and I burrow into her embrace.

“Shh,” she croons, her own breath hitching, “he’ll come home, babe. I’ve never seen another man look so in love with a woman as he does when you’re together.”

“But then why hasn’t he texted me since his plane landed?” I murmur, defeated.

“He’s probably not had much time,” she says as she leans away from me. “I bet he’s got loads he wants to say, but texting or a phone call aren’t the right ways to go about it, and he knows it, too.”

I want to believe her words, but the way her eyes flicker uncertainly, avoiding mine, tells me that she’s having as many doubts about it as I am.

“Yeah, and I feel awful for being so selfish when I know he must be in so much pain.” I turn my head down to wipe my running nose on my black knitted cardigan.

“Don’t feel bad. From what you’ve told me, he hasn’t seen his father in, what, twelve years?”

I nod and shrug as I think back on the little Kristian’s told me about his father.

“Thereabouts.”

“Well,” she says and rubs my shoulders. “Just be patient, babe.”

As I come down from yet another crying jag, I grimace.

“I feel utterly disgusted with myself,” I grumble and raise my hands only to let them fall back in my lap. “I’m being a selfish old cow. It’s not like me.”

When Trish grins at me, I groan.

“Actually, it’s Kristian’s fault.” I turn my face and rest my cheek on my knees. “I wouldn’t feel like such a wreck if he hadn’t barged into my life like that.”

Her giggle makes me move my head and I raise my eyes to her amused face.

“What?” I ask. “Why’re you looking at me like that?”

She rolls her eyes at me and grabs her bowl of ice cream from the table.

“Because you’re starting to talk nonsense. Admit it,” she jerks her chin at me, “next to Ailith, he’s the best bloody thing that’s ever happened to you.”

I can’t deny that, because she’s right. Still, I remain silent and wait for her to swallow the melting chocolate.

“You know I’m right, so you might as well give in.”

“Fine,” I sigh grudgingly. “You’re right, of course.”

“Besides, don’t tell me his bloody amazing lovemaking skills don’t have something to do with why you’re missing him so much,” she taunts me, waving the spoon so close to my nose, I almost go cross-eyed. “Your body misses that delicious, pierced, and hooded bandit, too.”

I snort as she waggles her eyes at me.

“Trish!” I whisper-shout, completely mortified. “Stop it.”

She lets out a low, infectious laugh, and I giggle.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “You always know the right thing to say when I feel utterly lost.” I wrinkle my nose at her. “Even when it’s inappropriate.”

“Oh, come on,” she laughs harder, “we’re the only people here, Laura. Who’s going to listen in on us when it’s almost…” She cranes her head to look at my pocket watch, “Almost eleven at night?” she finishes. “Both your mum and Ailith are fast asleep.”

I sigh and grab her spoon from her hand.

“Hey!” she protests loudly.

“Only fair,” I muse as I spoon up a big dollop and lick the spoon, letting the delicious ice cream melt in my mouth.

She shakes her head but lets me finish off her dessert.

“Look,” she starts then and leans closer towards me. “Kristian loves you. You love him. Just give him some time to come to terms with your past—it’s a big mouthful for anyone to swallow, after all—and do try not to worry too much all the time. Please?”

I sigh and shake my head slowly.

“I’ll try. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”

She frowns a little but then nods once. I hope she’s satisfied with my answer.

“Time will tell, I suppose,” she says.

I narrow my eyes at the wicked gleam in hers.

“Time will tell what, exactly?” I ask, suspicious as well as prepared for the worst.

“If his boabie misses your fanny just as much.”

My mouth pops open in shock, before I break out in hysterical laughter for the first time in two days.

“Aaah, I love you,” I laugh, not even giving a damn when a wayward snort leaves my mouth.

“Love you, too, babe,” she smiles at me.