Book2
Chapter 1:Jake
“Shoulders out, arms over your head…elbows in…so your breasts are pressed together. Sexy…pull your blouse down some more…show me orgasmic! Straddle me with your eyes!”
Yeah…I have to admit, there are far worse jobs than mine. Most men in their thirties are clicking buttons or taking phone calls and they hate it. I click buttons and take phone calls too, but I’m also surrounded by beautiful women all day long, beautiful women who are begging me to make them look sexy…and they’re willing to do (almost) anything. Turns out all those geeky photography classes really helped me find my dream job.
“Jake, do you really think I got what it takes to do nude shots?” supermodel wannabe Kika asked me.
“Well darling, I’m not going to tell you what you should do either way. I can’t promise you you’re going to make it as a supermodel. But if you’re asking me, are you drop dead gorgeous? Of course! You’re amazing. You have the eyes of a tigress.”
Kika smiled and continued posing for me, completely trusting and falling in love. Though I do admit, doing several of these shoots a day, for years and years on end, I can’t really tell the difference between “falling in love” and “falling in love with the camera”. It’s all looks the same after you take your ten thousandth shot.
I’ve also matured to the point where I realize I’m not going to have sex with most of these women, and frankly, I don’t really think it’s a big loss. A photographer kind of senses that the attraction is one sided—the model is in love with herself. She wants love, she wants compliments…she wants stares and gawking. I make that happen.
Do I want a piece of it? Usually not…it’s like a gluttonous chef who wants to wolf down his own seven course meal. I make this beautiful art for the consumption of others. Oh sure, I could get it if I wanted it. I’m thirty-two and in good shape with short black hair and a Don Corleone sort of look. It’s just that I’ve outgrown a lot of the dating for sport thing.
Of course, sometimes I’m reckless about “projecting” myself, or so my friend David once told me. I name-drop a few famous people who I photographed. The actress from that lawyer movie. The reality TV star with that shrill annoying voice.
“Oh yeah Deniro is a nice guy…” I said, only half-concentrating on the conversation, since I was still snapping pictures.
“Oh my God, you know Robert Deniro?” Kika said.
“Well, I’ve worked with him before. I wouldn’t say we’re besties.”
“But like, you have access to him?”
“Well yeah…I guess so.”
She smiled. Oh boy, I thought, another girl who thinks because I know somebody who knows somebody I can get her an audition.
“But let me be clear,” I said, already sensing she was eying me like a cat eyes a mouse. “I can’t promise anything. I don’t lie to girls telling them I can get them work. That’s a crapshoot, frankly.”
“You’re very cute when you’re nervous.”
“I’m not nervous darling,” I said with a half-smile. “I just don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.”
“You said I was beautiful, didn’t you?”
“Of course you are. You’re like Marilyn Monroe reborn. You’re amazing.”
She giggled and struck another pose…which I got on camera.
“So?”
“Making it in show business isn’t about looks, honey. It’s a business where there are a lot of bad people. Creeps, pervs, you know, the usual.”
“And what…do they all want to have SEX?” she said mockingly. “It’s pretty funny how prudish men are these days. Who cares if I want to sleep my way to the top? I’m worth a million dollars.” She winked.
“I’m sure you are…worth ten million in my book.”
She smiled and pressed her boobs together, giving me a look that fries my brain.
“Damn, girl,” I said, shaking my head. “I will say this. If you’re not a star within three years…Hollywood has lost their minds.”
She grinned and bit her finger coyly. “So…what do you usually do after a shoot?”
I smiled back at her with a dazed look, confessing with my eyes that on Friday nights I usually drink, smoke and pleasure some beauty queen just like her…
“So did she come home with you?” David asked. Amelia was smirking by his side. We all went out to lunch the next day, and naturally the topic of my love life came up. David always seems to get a kick out of hearing how my dates went…most of them were a success, if you know what I mean. So sorry that bothers you, Amelia!
But this latest one…really didn’t go so well.
“Honestly, I don’t remember,” I tell him, a bit perplexed.
“What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. I have no recollection of what happened. I remember we went back to my place. We had a few more drinks. And then…I woke up this morning.”
“Wow, that’s weird. You don’t remember making out or…?”
“Nothing. I either fell asleep or maybe we just both said goodnight. This girl was hot, so if any sex happened I think I would have remembered that!”
“Hmmph,” Amelia said, folding her arms. “More of that animal magnetism, right? Or must you constantly seduce every woman you meet?”
I laughed. “I don’t seduce anybody. I’m just not as picky as most other people, what can I say? Call me a sex humanitarian.”
“You don’t think she drugged you, do you?” David asked.
“Nah, I checked my room when I woke up. Nothing missing.”
“And…?”
“My pants were still in place,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m telling you what happened. I fell asleep and she finally got the point that I wasn’t going to give her photos to Bobby Deniro. She split. I don’t really go for quo pro quo relationships. I try to avoid getting sued.”
“Smart.”
Amelia still seemed bitter. “Are you ever going to grow up, Jake?”
I laughed hard. “What is her problem, David?”
“No, don’t talk to David,” Amelia corrected me. “I’m asking you. Are you ever going to outgrow this phase where you have to sleep with every girl you meet? How many women have you slept with anyway, a thousand?”
“Darling,” I laughed again. “The only difference between someone like me and someone like David is that I like to have fun.”
“I have fun!” David said defensively.
“I know, I’m just saying…I don’t mind wasting time on go-nowhere relationships. Some people don’t have time to have a bunch of meaningless casual sex. I have lots of time!”
David laughed. “But the question is, are you still looking for love?”
“Of course I am,” I answered. “Every guy wants to find love.”
“I don’t know if you’re capable of love,” Amelia said.
Just as I shrugged and thought of another poke back to say…David interjected with a brand new idea.
“You know who he might be good for? Kim. Kim is single again, right?” David looked at Amelia in excitement.
“Dear God, David,” I said. “Have you already become the miserable matchmaker? This is all you have left in life, to set your friends up?”
“No, no, I’m just saying Kim seems like a good match for you.”
“Who is Kim?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Amelia replied.
“Why not? What, is she too good for me or something?”
“Yes, she is!” Amelia said.
“Oh come on,” David replied. “I just meant Kim is…you know, experienced, like Jake is. And she’s that type of personality that I think he would like.”
“Is she hot?”
David looked at Amelia and smiled. “I better let Amelia answer that one.”
“She is hot,” Amelia said with a smile. “But I still don’t think you’re right for her.”
“Why?”
“Because Jake, she is rebounding from a broken relationship. That’s very traumatic for a woman. Guys get over it a lot easier than a woman does.”
“Says who,” I scoffed in reply.
“David once told me that you dumped a woman for ordering pizza in a seafood restaurant.”
I laughed my ass off and so did David!
“What? Where did you hear that?”
“From a mutual friend.”
“That’s ridiculous, I did no such thing.”
“But would you?” David asked. “Hypothetically?”
I laughed and shook my head. “Well…I have never done that before. Just want to make that clear. But…if a woman went to a seafood restaurant and then troubled the waiter to bring her back a pizza…that just seems wrong to me!”
“Aren’t you like, Italian?” Amelia asked. “So don’t you see the hypocrisy there?”
“He is not Italian,” David said.
“Let me ask you this,” I said to Amelia. “This girl Kim…what does she do?”
“She is a musician.”
“Wow, that’s kind of cool.”
“And not just the groupie girl that sings on mic, but she actually writes and plays her own songs.”
“Really?”
“Yes. BUT like I said, JAKE, she is very vulnerable right now.”
“Right, because some guy dumped her.”
“NO, because they both decided to mutually end the relationship. She actually wrote a banjo song called ‘I Don’t Need a Man’.”
“Wow, smart girl. And feisty, I like that.”
“What do you think?” David asked excitedly.
“Okay,” Amelia answered reluctantly. “On one condition.”
“Conditional fix up dates, how can this go wrong?”
“Don’t sleep with her.”
“What?”
“I know how you are!” Amelia said. “She doesn’t need some creepy guy trying to seduce her when she’s rebounding. She’s very sensitive right now.”
“You know believe it or not, Amelia, I don’t go around trying to seduce people. I’d say I don’t sleep with like, ninety percent of everybody I shake hands with.”
“Does that include men or just women?”
David and I laughed.
“Okay, fine. I want to meet this Kim. I’ve never known a musician who writes her own music.”
“Remember the deal. No seducing. No mind games.”
“Fine, fine, I won’t hypnotize her! I won’t use my amazing Jedi powers!”
**
It sounded fun, meeting this girl Kim and chilling out on a double date with my buds David and Amelia. But what was waiting for me that weekend was a total disaster. I did meet this “Kim” person against my better judgment and well…let’s just say she lived up to her reputation as a “rock star”.
Don’t get me wrong, she was really attractive. She had wavy brunette hair and a thin figure with ample breasts. I could definitely make her into a soap opera star in the photography room.
But I was terribly uncomfortable within twenty minutes of meeting the woman. She was ass-ramming me with her eyes! I don’t know how much more delicately I can put that, but when a woman stares at you and hardly blinks or smiles, it tends to make a guy nervous.
“So Kim,” I said, trying to get her to loosen up. “How do you write your songs? Is there a creative process or…”
Kim half-heartedly replied, throwing her head side to side and swishing her long black hair back and forth. When she wasn’t staring a hole through me she was gazing into nothing and gesturing madly. The female equivalent of Mick Jagger, I guess.
“I think the songs I write…JAKE…come to me. It’s not really a creative process but it’s like a voice that sings to me.”
“Ah, I see.”
“The last song I wrote, ‘Sweet Virginia, was about sex.”
“Uh huh.”
“Like all about sex. I wanted to write a song that was just the sounds of fucking. The energy that results when two people enter each other. The man entering the woman and the woman entering the man…”
“I uh…okay…”
I shrugged at Amelia. Amelia stared back and turned her head in warning. As if to remind me of my promise. Ummm thanks but no thanks, I remember thinking to myself.
I listened in frustration and boredom as Kim continued to rant. Seated next to me, she was giving off positive vibes, if nothing else…
“Like that stanza that goes Ohh Ohhh Ohhhh is a rising scale…it rises with each new stroke…1-3-5…each new note.”
“Right…”
“AND…!”
I suddenly stopped nodding. I noticed Kim’s hands disappeared from the table. Within seconds, I felt grubby little hands grabbing my dick through my pants!
“Whoah…” I said, looking at Kim, Amelia and David. Obviously, my friends had no idea what was going on.
Kim was talking perfectly fine, continuing the conversation as if nothing was happening.
“And so you’ll notice the fifth stanza…”
“Uh huhhhh…”
I said, flinching, powerless to move since she already unzipped me and mangled my cock out from my underwear. All I felt were her cold hands on my shaft and her eyes stayed put—fixated on me. At least now she was smiling.
“Well…let me ASK you something,” I said, shifting away from her in my seat and giving my dick a moment to breathe.
“Oh please, ask away. I don’t bite.”
“Well I hope not!”
“Is it difficult balancing your art and your personal life…”
“Is it hard?” she said, grabbing my dick again and yanking it like she was stirring pudding. “Well it’s hard, I can assure you of that. It’s extremely hard.”
David and Amelia looked at me in confusion as I shifted away again and sighed.
“Well that’s fascinating. On a totally unrelated note, I think I ought to go to the bathroom.”
“Hurry back,” she said, finally forming an evil little smile.
“Can you walk, Jake?” Amelia asked, not too subtly implying I’m drunk. No, but I was trying to get the hell away from her crazy friend!
“Yeah, I’m good. Be back soon.”
I excused myself and then very subtly pushed my erection downward so as not to make a scene. I fled to the bathroom in a huff. What did I just witness? Who does that out in public?!
I wasn’t sure what came over Kim, but she sure as hell wasn’t some delicate flower—She was looking for rebound sex worse than a man! I didn’t even try to hit on her. I was just trying to be a normal dude asking questions and then bam, she pretends like this is Woodstock. Maybe Amelia told her I was a photographer. I hope she or David didn’t mention I was “friend to the stars”. I really don’t like to mix work and play.
I went into the bathroom stall and sat on the toilet, just to take a breather. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Sure, when you’re a teenager this sort of things sounds awesome, but it’s just plain weird if you’re an adult. I thought it over a moment, trying to determine my next course of action.
Suddenly, the bathroom door swung open and I heard a taunting voice worthy of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
“Jake? What’s taking you so long?”
Kim was in the men’s restroom calling my name!
“Kim? Is that you?” I replied in horror.
“Hey. Don’t mind me. I was just curious whether you’re a stall man or a urinal type of guy.”
“What?!”
I watched in horror as Kim went full-Grudge on me and crawled like some psycho demon-girl under the stall. She finally smiled, ignoring my look of pure terror and stood back up.
“Well it’s a good thing I wasn’t taking a poop!” I said in anger.
“Haven’t you ever wanted to do it in a public place?”
I sighed, as she straddled me on the toilet and put her arms around my neck.
“Not really,” I said, staring back minus a smile. “When I think public place I think forest. Rock concert. Theater room. Not a place that smells like urine.”
“You’re such a square,” she said with a smile. “I thought Amelia said you were wild.”
Ah that explains it. Amelia told her I was “wild”.
“Amelia thinks any man with an opinion is a fucking James Dean,” I said.
“I don’t want to fuck James Dean. I want to fuck you.”
“That should be on a greeting card somewhere…but seriously, not feeling it right now.”
I politely pushed her off of me and averted my eyes as I exited the bathroom. I know some people will make a big thing out of this rejection, something about me being gay or how strong women intimidate men or whatever…
All I can say is, hey! Screw you. If I don’t want sex, then you’re not getting any!
I ran out of the bathroom and sat back down, alerting David and Amelia that something was amiss. I watched in disgust as Kim came out, sat back down and continued on as if nothing happened. Her nose was proudly in the air and her eyes were still burning and firing at me like missiles.
We suffered through a few more minutes of small talk. Thank God, the conversation shifted to David—something about blossom end rot is caused by a lack of calcium, who the hell knows what David is ever talking about—and I had my way out.
“…But see when it comes to soil deficiency, calcium…”
“That’s fascinating!” I said, interrupting David and standing up. “Speaking of which, I hate to be a party pooper but I have to get home.”
“Aww,” Amelia said. “But we were just having a good conversation.”
“Yeah, so sorry but something came up.” I looked down at my pants and to Kim and shook my head. “I mean…I just need to get to the supermarket. I just remembered I have to go by the pharmacy and get my meds before they close.”
I looked back at Kim and gave her stink face. “Yeah you know all about the pharmacy, right guys? Fixes crazy.”
David and Amelia looked at each other in confusion.
“But I’ll catch up with you guys later. Pleasure meeting you, Kim.”
“Likewise,” she said coolly. “I’ve always wanted to meet a portrait artist.”
“Photographer,” I said in sarcasm.
“Oh right. I knew it was something like that.”
I weakly smiled back and got the hell out of there.
**
I did actually go the Bi-Lo supermarket and made good on my excuse, so technically it wasn’t a lie. But it turns out publicly revealing my itinerary was a bad idea. Kim followed me to the supermarket’snearest the restaurant and stalked me, like any sane normal person would do, right?
“Jesus Christ,” I said as a I saw her approaching, tossing my croutons into my grocery cart and giving up all hope. “Okay, so are you like the good kind of stalker like you just really love hot Italian guys, or the bad kind of stalker where you’re trying to steal my kidneys?”
“You’re Italian? No way! I’m one third Italian. Also part German and part Asian.”
“Well you’re a regular World War Two, aren’t you?”
“Look, I just wanted to apologize for coming on too strong before.”
“Uh huh…” I said suspiciously.
“Amelia gave me a mixed message. She said you were wild and crazy. So figured, handjob hello…might be your kind of night.”
“Ah. Well I can see where the confusion came in. No, I’m more of a king-sized bed kind of guy. Or maybe the kitchen. I always thought about having sex in a public bathroom as a horny teen…until I actually went inside of one.”
“Point taken. Can we start over? I’m Kim. I just broke up with my boyfriend.”
“Yeah I kind of sensed that.”
“I think you’re hot,” she said with a bratty smile. “And yeah, Italian guys make me a little crazy. But do you like female rock stars?”
I finally laughed. At this point, I figured she was nuts…but maybe the kind of girl that’s nuts but a hellavu lot of fun. “Depends. Can you sing like Janis Joplin?”
“Are you daring me to sing out in public?”
I laughed quietly and nodded. Sure enough, she made a scene, belting out “OH LORD WON’T YOU BUY ME A MERCEDES BENZ.”
I finally stopped her just as the store manager started looking at us funny.
“All right, that was pretty awesome. All is forgiven.”
She cackled loudly. “You’re the only guy on earth who would want an apology for a woman giving him a handjob in a restaurant. But I get it. You’re a high maintenance guy.”
“High maintenance? Get out of here…”
“Oooh, so sexy. Say it again like a mobster.”
I laughed again, finally letting my guard down.
“High maintenance? Get the fuggoudda here!”
“So dangerous,” she said tilting her head and squinting. I loved the way she groomed her hair and rubbed her neck. It looked like she was really into me. I like that look…it feels good to have a girl like you for you…outsideof what you can do for her with a camera.
“So what do you usually do after you go shopping?”
I looked at her in concern.
**
“Oh my Gawwwd!” she screamed, shaking the bed in my loft apartment so hard we woke the upstairs neighbors. “Oh give it to me, Don Jake! Give it to me, boss!”
“I’m trying!” I cried out, plowing into Kim missionary style. I was sort of distracted by the knocking on the ceiling, an irate neighbor no doubt.
“Hey Fuck you!” she screamed back at the ceiling. “Go on Match.com and find a sex life of your own instead of raining on my parade!”
“That’s embarrassing…” I said, still stroking and looking into her killer eyes.
“No way, it turns me on. Knowing other people are so angry…so angry at my pleasure.”
I laughed again, especially when Kim started shaking the bed twice as hard and loudly.
“Ohhhh Kim!” I screamed, as Kim ran sharp fingernails down my back. This girl was wild for sure…but the climax was partly ruined by an unexpected visitor.
I looked to my side I did a double take, as I noticed Kim was taking a selfie on her iPhone.
“What…What…What are you doing?”
“Go ahead baby, just sending a selfie of myself. Hashtag #movingon.”
She laughed and clicked away…literally taking selfies of us like we’re teenagers. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This was probably a new low for me…
I came…pretty weakly.
**
Long story short, Amelia was right. I just couldn’t stay with a girl like Kim. As soon as the morning sun came up, ugly differences between us came up and spoiled almost all the temporary memories of pleasure.
“Hey beautiful,” I said to her the next morning.
“Mmmm…” she said, frowning. “I overslept.”
“Got to get to work?”
“No…I just don’t like spending the night. Nothing personal.”
“Oh…I gotcha,” I said, flinching, a bit disappointed.
Call me a womanizer, call me a cad, call me a commitment-phobic manchild, I just don’t see the point in trying to hold onto a one night stand that was obviously doomed.
“So…can I call you sometime?”
“Eehhh,” she said, wincing and smiling awkwardly. “To be totally truthful, I sorta think my boyfriend might want to get back together.”
“Really? Already?”
“Yeah…he sent me like twenty messages after I posted my after sex selfie.”
“Ah…pretty sure that wasn’t an after sex selfie, hon.”
Call me crazy. I just can’t imagine ever connecting with any woman. Maybe I’m a narcissist or maybe I’m just emotionally shut off. Maybe my mother did a number on me, I dunno. Maybe like Amelia said I just can’t fall in love. But the very idea of trying to be with Kim, fighting for Kim, trying to make something real with Kim…it seemed a little…
“Don’t be clingy, Jake. It’s not very Italian of you.” She winked.
“Nah…” I said, meeting her eyes and half-smiling. “We’re just having fun. I get it. Listen…whatever you do, don’t write a song about my dick. That’s very 1970s.”
She laughed. “I only write dick songs about guys I hate. Or love.”
“So I’m safe, huh?”
“You’re definitely safe…” she said with a nod.
I just don’t feel it. Maybe I’m detached from all humanity. My brain says why settle for just one woman when I can play the field? My crotch agrees with that sentiment. But my heart…my heart is just silent on the whole idea.
There are guys like David, faithful, altruistic and nice…and then there are guys like me. Cold hearted. Alpha. Dominant.
“Well…one last kiss?” I said with a smile.
“Ohhh…uh…” she winced again. “I don’t really do morning breath.”
I don’t need romance. I have plenty of romance in my life. The worst case scenario is to end up a sadsack like David and have to stick with one nagging woman for the rest of my life. Now that’s a tragedy!
“Bye…” I said to Kim as she walked out the door, already missing her vibrant eyes. I would probably never see her again. A once in a lifetime experience never to be re-lived. Barely even remembered.
“Thanks for the beer,” she finally said, with a jocular nod.
“Don’t mention it.”
Of course. Beer is cheap. Relationships are too damned expensive, or at least that’s what the world’s taught me. Whenever I think of cheap beer, I guess I’ll think of Kim. Wow…that sucks.
And of course, in the interest of keeping up appearances it is very important to make clear to all the people that are going to judge me anyway…
“Oh yeah…” I nodded talking to David and Amelie at brunch the next week. “Kim and I didn’t really get along. We were together for a while. But didn’t work out…so uh…I dumped her.”
David sighed while Amelia sent me a nasty look.
“Come on guys,” I said with a smile. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
***