Chapter 6: Stephanie
“Ah, I see your dilemma” said Connor, who couldn’t help but laugh at my misfortune. “So you seduced yourself and broke Jake’s heart. He seems like a really smart and sweet guy…except for his stupidity and mean-spirited jealousy.”
I laughed. I tried to be outraged but the whole thing was quite ridiculous. And in Jake’s defense, it was kind of my fault.
“I told him I was gay. And any smart guy, which Jake is, knows that doesn’t change. He’s just taking me at my word. And I lied to him.”
“Hmmm,” Connor said. “Well, only you would be having ‘Batman dating problems’, hon. You have always been the strong and mysterious type of woman, haven’t you?”
“I suppose so! Well I’ll say one thing for me,” I laughed. “Jake will definitely remember this relationship for the rest of his life, no matter how short-lived! I am memorable and I take great pride in that.”
“Aww, Steph,” Connor said, shaking his head. “What are we going to do with you? You’re a beautiful, smart woman and yet you play all these weird games with guys.”
“I know, I do. I make my own hole and jump in it. Every single time. So do you think I should just tell him?”
“Well…” Connor said, standing tall and rubbing his golden blond locks. The man is beautiful himself…I can’t even believe we came from the same parents. “Ordinarily I would say that. But I’m kind of curious to see if Jake really likes you or not.”
“He doesn’t. He’s in love with her.”
“Yes…but a character you projected, Stephanie. He fell in love with the image you projected. Remember that.”
I wasn’t sure what my brother was talking about. Connor always had a way of making me second-guess what I thought I knew. His implication was that Jake and I maybe had a thing going…we were just both being stupid and needed to wise up and accepted what was right in front of us.
I felt silly though, trying to “be myself” around Jake. He didn’t go for me because I wasn’t his type. That’s all there was to it.
But…to my deep frustration, I figured I owed Jake a big apology, even if I did nothing wrong. But in his eyes, I was the worst friend in the world. I seduced his “girlfriend” and taunted him. Of course, with that perspective I look like a real hoe. But if he only knew…that I did seduce Catalina, and that I fucked her pretty good (thinking about HIM that night) the whole thing would be a hilarious misunderstanding.
Er, hilarious and embarrassing.
But it had to be said. I owed him that.
We met in a local coffee shop the next morning as he was pouting and sending me death gazes all morning long. Naturally, I dressed up in my “lesbian” clothes and avoided any Catalina makeup or fashion sense. He had to hear it coming from me. Connor was right, sort of, but I knew that my honesty with Jake was at risk. And I couldn’t keep carrying that.
“I’m sorry, Jake. The truth is…” I flinched and sighed.
“Yeah. Say it!” he said with an angry stare.
“I really…really…really stuck it to Catalina last night.”
He frowned.
“Like really hard. Like…made that bitch scream.”
He shook his head in disgust.
“Because I AM…Catalina…Jake.”
He stared at me for a long ten seconds without any emotion, processing what I just said.
“What?!”
I stared at him with a straight face, letting him know the embarrassing truth.
“What the hell are you saying to me?!”
“Jake…I’m so sorry.” I struggled to speak and once again, could barely look him in the eyes. “I’m all fucked up.”
“Yeah I know, believe me. But why are you lying to me?”
“I’m not. I’ve been lying. Now I’m confessing the truth. I dressed up as Catalina, Jake. Because…I don’t know why I did it. I just did.”
He stared at me again, this time slowly shaking his head in full denial.
“I didn’t seduce your girlfriend. I just took off my makeup. My stupid fake clothes. And I went to bed. I woke up, the ugly trollop you see before you…the same girl you’ve laughed at for five years. Catalina never existed. It wasn’t nice. It was a cruel thing to do.”
He finally stopped shaking his head. He finally looked into my eyes and gazed into the distracted, scattershot eyes of Catalina, the exotic beauty who never gave him her full attention. This time I stared back at him, in weakness, figuring I owed this to him. It was time to suffer my humiliation.”
“No,” he laughed, resuming the head shaking. “I mean…I saw her. I made out with her!”
He stared at me in discomfort. “I…in the theater…we…I…”
“Yeah, sorry about that. You were a really good kisser…” I said with a nervous smile.
“Holy shit!” he said, finally looking into my eyes and seeing the mystery of Catalina once and for all. “I mean…god! Stephanie what the hell?!”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He sighed again and this time let the anger boil inside. He furled his brow and pounded his fist on the table. “You played for a fool? An idiot? You think it’s funny?”
“No, I don’t,” I said softly.
“It’s not funny! It’s a pretty goddamned mean thing to do. Why would you do that? I’m your friend…or I thought I was.”
He shook his head in judgment. It was the worst look I had ever seen from him. I felt a fear of losing him for good, as a friend, as anything in my life. An overwhelming urge came over me. I started crying like a baby, like a stupid little “princess” that I swore I would never become. What the fuck was wrong with me?
“I’m sorry…” I said, dripping tears and starting to panic. I rose up quickly and fled the coffee shop, not even giving him one look back. “I don’t blame him if he never talks to me again.”
I ran out of the place like a criminal. My embarrassment for crying in front of him was only dwarfed by my horror at what I had done. What I became. Towards the very end of my run of shame, he called out to me. But it was too late. Too late, my love. I could never see him again. We had to part permanently and forget this awful memory.
**
Well, this was awkward. While I really wanted a tragic love story ending where neither of us ever spoke again…we did sort of have to share a plane ride back home, and sit next to each other. While I did rent Catalina a separate hotel room, I never actually bought another ticket. Looked like I was screwed.
Back to wearing my shirt, pants and generally taking back my unkempt appearance, I tried to stay quiet. I didn’t say a word for about half an hour and just sat there in terrible silence. But eventually, Jake’s quiet calm helped me to talk more about what I was really feeling. I loved him for that.
“The truth is I didn’t do it maliciously, please believe that. I was just so confused.”
“Well that makes two of us.”
“Just about where I was going in life. What kind of relationship I want. None of it made sense anymore. I wanted to become a new woman. Live inside someone else’s body. I hated what I had become. My pathetic life.”
“Stop talking like that,” he said, getting miffed.
“It’s true, and I deserve my humiliation.”
“HEY!” he said in that strong Italian voice as his eyes met mine and stayed for a long exchange. “Don’t ever say that. It’s not true. We all go through stuff, Stephanie. All of us. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. It just means it’s time for a change. That’s all.”
“It is time for a change. I know that. I don’t really know where I go from here. I don’t even have any friends outside of the city. I’m just…really happy you didn’t leave me stranded in Florida. I think it’s best if we not speak to each other anymore.”
Jake laughed. “Stephanie, gimme a break. I’m not going to stop being your friend. Okay? So just quit with all that bullshit.”
“You don’t have to…”
“I’m aware,” he said. “So just get over it. You embarrassed yourself and me, and we’re both going to just get over it. The end.”
“Okay…but you know you don’t have to…
“Just go to sleep, goofy,” he said with a smile, putting his arm around me and encouraging me to lean my head asleep on his shoulder. I was so tired. I hadn’t really slept the night before. He could tell I was cracking up. And all he wanted for me was peace. God, I loved that man. I never wanted that plane ride to end. I wanted to die in his arms, rather than return to mundane reality.