Chapter Nine
On Saturday morning, after leaving Skye happily hunting through rocky tide pools for crustaceans with Mrs. Holihen, Hailey drove her own car toward a nearby beach to meet Spencer. Although she’d told him she only wanted to be friends, the spa day with Delinda had left her feeling young and beautiful. She hadn’t realized how little attention she’d given herself until Skye said she looked like a princess in the designer dresses she’d tried on. It was a day Hailey would hold dear in her memories, because it had simply been fun. No pressure. No guilt. Just a lot of laughter and silliness as Delinda looked on with a smile. We all needed that.
Although Hailey had refused to let Delinda buy her a whole new wardrobe, she had accepted the cotton summer dress she was wearing and one slip dress by another designer that fit her to perfection.
It hadn’t seemed right to put such an expensive summer dress over a bathing suit, but that was what she’d gotten it for. She’d chosen a peach bikini to wear beneath it. In a pinch, the bathing suit could pass for underclothing and the dress would be appropriate for most restaurants.
When she pulled into the parking lot, she noticed a man sitting on a motorcycle. Although she was excited to see Spencer, she couldn’t look away from those powerful jean-clad legs and the muscular back that the man’s white T-shirt lovingly clung to. Hailey had never been one to gawk at men, but this one was perfection, the kind that inspires sculptures. I’d sculpt that. And I’m not even a sculptor.
He turned, removed his helmet, and waved in her direction. Spencer? Hailey accidentally blew the horn of her car as she rushed to pretend she was gathering up her purse.
I thought he looked good in a suit, but holy crap. How could any woman be just friends with that?
He hung the helmet on the handlebar and walked over. Hailey opened her car door and went to get out, but realized she hadn’t undone her seat belt.
“Need help?” The smile he shot her was wickedly tempting as he smoothly reached over her to release the clasp. Instead of immediately withdrawing, though, he lingered, his face just above hers. He filled her view and her senses, bringing back an onslaught of intimate memories. Lust might not be enough to build a relationship, but damn it felt good.
“Thank you,” she said in a strangled voice.
She didn’t need to ask if he was experiencing the same hot and wild desire that was surging through her. It was there in his eyes and in the prominent bulge in the front of his jeans.
“God, you look good, Sunshine.”
She took a shaky breath. It would have been so easy to lean forward for a kiss or to run her hands over the powerful expanse of his chest. “Thanks. I wouldn’t have worn a dress if I had known you rode a bike.”
“The dress was a good choice. The bike is Jordan’s.” The boyish smile he gave her nearly melted her away. “He said it would improve my image. I’ve spent too much time in suits lately.” He withdrew from the car and offered her a hand.
“I’m sure it’s more fun out of them.” She groaned inwardly at her phrasing. “I mean, hanging out in something more casual.”
His smile widened, but he thankfully let her slipup slide. She really did want things to be different this time. Rushing into sex the first time hadn’t given them anything to build on. It had given them a false sense of knowing each other and had made everything too easy. And then too hard.
Friendship, whether or not it leads to something else, is where we need to start.
I just wish my body agreed with me. She placed her hand in his and swung her legs out while pushing back images of what he’d look like without his suit or those jeans on. There should be support groups for people who have been celibate for over a year. I want to do the right thing, but it’s not easy when I can’t remember the last time wrong felt this good.
“Did you bring a bathing suit?” He nodded toward the beach bag she’d forgotten on the passenger seat.
“I’m wearing it, but I should bring my towel and sunblock.” She turned and bent into the car to retrieve it. When she turned back around with the bag slung over her shoulder, she noticed his expression had changed. The smile was gone, and naked hunger raged in his eyes. Just how much did I flash him?
They stood face-to-face simply breathing each other in. His hunger fired her own until there was no denying the effect they were having on each other. As much for her benefit as his, she said, “Back in college we had no responsibilities. There was no one who could be hurt by us getting together. It’s different now.”
“I know.” His nostrils flared slightly.
As hard as it was to say, Hailey felt she had to. “There are things I should tell you before we go further.”
He raised a finger to her lips and placed it over them gently. “Later. For now, let’s find a spot on the beach, strip down, and jump into that still-cold Atlantic water. Trust me, I’ll be able to think more clearly if we do.”
Hailey smiled against his finger and stopped just short of kissing it. He lowered his hand as if understanding how close she was to losing her battle for self-control. “I could use a swim as well.”
They walked hand in hand onto the beach and scored a prime spot near the shore. They spread out two towels and secured them with their shoes. Hailey’s mouth went dry with anticipation when Spencer’s hands went to the sides of his shirt. With one swift move he had it up and over his head. She stood there, frozen, as his hands went to unclasp his jeans, then raised her eyes to his.
“When you look at me like that all I can think about is fucking you,” he growled.
“Sorry,” she said, because a more coherent response was impossible.
His laugh was deep and sexy. “Don’t be. I’m not.” He stepped out of his jeans, tossed them onto the towel, and straightened. “But I need a quick swim because it’s harder for a man to hide how he’s feeling.”
No, don’t look. Don’t do it. Her eyes wandered down his broad chest, over his flat stomach, and halted at the obvious tenting of his swim trunks. Oh, God. If we weren’t in public, I would sink to my knees and welcome him back with my mouth.
This is bad.
She pulled her dress up and over her head and tossed it on top of his jeans. I need the cold swim as much as he does. “Race you in.” She took off at a run, splashing her way to deeper water.
“You’re on,” he said from close behind her, crashing through the waves as well.
The water was up to her chest before she stopped. He swung her around and up, surprising her, but also making her laugh.
“You won,” he said, sliding her down the front of him and standing her back up. “But it feels like I did.”
The cold water wasn’t as effective as he’d hoped. She put her hands on his shoulders to steady herself, then pushed slightly off him. “This is harder than I thought.” She groaned when his eyebrows rose in response. “I mean more difficult.”
The laugh he let out was infectious. “For me, too, on both counts.”
It was too easy to smile with him, too easy to forget how much time had passed since they’d been together. Exciting, but equally scary. I’m usually sensible. I’ve always worked hard and made decisions I’ve been proud of. My father once said, “Easy rule of thumb: if you can’t look me in the eye and say you did it, chances are it’s not something you should be doing.”
I’m glad you’re not here now, Dad. I wouldn’t want to attempt explaining Spencer to you or to Ryan. I had an excuse when I leapt into his arms the first time: I was young.
What would be my excuse now? That I’m lonely?
That’s why I’m willing to risk losing my job? Uprooting Skye again? For sex? Really? I’m not better than that?
“We’re not going to be able to do this, are we? Be friends, I mean.” She heard the disappointment in her own voice.
Spencer’s smile was wry. “The beach might have been a bad idea.”
Her lips twisted in a matching smile. “Yeah.”
“It is a beautiful day, though. It would be a shame not to enjoy it.”
“We could set some ground rules. Like no touching.”
“No touching,” he repeated slowly. “Because you don’t like it when I touch you?”
She could have lied, but that was something they’d never done with each other. “Because I like it too much.”
He sucked in a breath audibly. “You’re not making this easy, Hailey.”
“I’m trying to be honest.”
“Your honesty makes it pretty damn hard to remember why we’re trying to be friends.”
Hailey watched the waves crash against the shore and disappear. Being with Spencer had been like that. Beautiful. Simple. Gone as soon as it hit resistance. A night or two in his arms wasn’t worth reliving losing him or risking the progress Skye had made. “I need more than what we had, Spencer.”
“What does ‘more’ mean?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Then how do we move forward?”
Hailey wrapped her arms around herself. Wasn’t this how I lost him the first time? Because I didn’t know what I wanted? Because by the time I figured it out I couldn’t articulate it? “I need something I can trust. Something solid.”
Spencer was old enough to have heard something similar from a variety of women. It wasn’t unusual for them to want more than he offered because normally he offered nothing beyond sex. He’d never had a problem issuing an ultimatum: take me as I am or take a hike.
He couldn’t imagine saying that to Hailey. In fact, when she looked at him with those big eyes of hers, he regretted being the kind of man who’d ever said it. Unlike the man he’d been for too long, she wasn’t in it for the thrill of the game. She was honest, even with her desire, and it touched him as deeply now as it had when they had been young virgins learning each other’s bodies together. With them it might not always have been good, but it had always been real.
Another man might have said exactly what she wanted to hear and not meant it, but that was another thing he could never do to her. “You need pie.”
She smiled at his reference, and he tried to ignore the way the waves seemed to caress her breasts each time they washed over them. “I guess I do. What about you?”
Not an easy question. I do love cake. What man doesn’t? At work. In bed. I’ve never been one to turn down a good piece of cake.
But has it made me happy?
Her smile wavered the longer he took to respond. He didn’t want to rush and say more than he meant. “I’ve never tried it.”
“Never?”
He frowned. “We’re still talking on a deeper level, right? Because I’m getting confused and a little hungry with all the pastry talk.”
“Hungry? Are you serious?” He liked how his joke returned a smile to her face.
He shrugged. He wasn’t in a place where he could give her the answers she was looking for, so it was better to lighten the mood. “I’m not that complicated. Feed me—”
She raised a hand toward him and said, “Stop right there.” But she was still smiling.
His grin widened. “I see you’ve become wise to the ways of men.”
“You, anyway,” she said lightly.
“I like to make you laugh. It’s my second favorite thing to do to you.”
Her chest and cheeks turned an adorable pink. “Rule two: easy on the innuendos.”
He rounded his eyes and touched his chest, feigning surprise. “Me? Have you heard yourself?”
“I have. Sorry.” She laughed and the sound sent his heart beating wildly in his chest.
She was relaxing with him, so he kept the banter up. “It’s understandable.” He flexed an arm for her. “What woman could be around all this and not have those thoughts?”
“Wow, that’s a healthy-sized ego you have there,” she said and splashed him.
He almost joked about what he had in an even larger size, but that would have broken rule number two. He could have pulled her to him and kissed her soundly, if not for rule one. Why did I agree to these rules?
Oh, yeah, because it’s Hailey.
And she matters.
In the end, Spencer’s body succumbed to the chill of the water and he felt safe in suggesting, “Want to get out and go for a walk down the beach?”
“I’ve always loved that.”
He frowned as they made their way back to shore. “I don’t remember us ever going to the beach together.”
“Unless you count Mangiarelli’s, campus, or your garage, we didn’t actually go anywhere.”
Shit. We didn’t. “Why did you date me?” he asked, turning to face her once they were both clear of the water.
She touched his arm gently. “I didn’t care where we were. I just enjoyed being with you.”
She was breaking rule one, but he wasn’t about to say it. “It was the same for me. I don’t remember ever having a bad time with you.”
Her hand fell away. “We didn’t have to work on it at all. Do you think that’s why it didn’t last?”
He didn’t know, so he took a step to start off their walk. She matched her pace to his. “Maybe, or maybe we were just too young to know what the hell we were doing.”
She nodded. “It’s funny. Back then I thought I had all the answers, now I second-guess so much of what I do.”
“You’ve been through a lot.”
“So have you, but you didn’t let it stop you. You took your dreams from back then and made them a reality. That has to be amazing.”
She is amazing. How she makes me feel is amazing, too. “Sometimes. Other times I wonder why it doesn’t matter as much as I thought it would. Part of me needed to prove to myself that I could do anything Brett could do. I proved it. My company will soon be as successful as his. I did it on my own, without the family’s money. So in a way I beat Brett, but it doesn’t feel how I thought it would. When he comes to see me, he looks disappointed. I don’t know why he even comes around. It’s not like either of us enjoys his visits.”
They walked along the shore together for several minutes, then Hailey said, “Maybe he’s not disappointed in you. Maybe he’s disappointed in himself.”
“Brett? That’s unlikely.”
“It’s easy to write someone off and walk away. That’s what we did to each other. I didn’t ask what was important to you. I didn’t think about what you might be going through. I focused on my experiences only. It stopped me from really knowing you. How well do you actually know Brett?”
Spencer paused and looked out over the water. He could have told her he’d been just as self-centered the first time around, but she knew it. He couldn’t go back and fix the past, but he could try to make more of the present. Hailey was pushing him to face issues he’d spent a lifetime denying he cared about. Honesty was long overdue. “I don’t. Not on any level that matters.”
“Then my next question is—do you want to?”
He found that he wanted to share how he felt with Hailey. Was it because they’d once come to each other, naked and unsure, and guided each other along? Did a bond like that endure? “He came to my office this week, and when I saw the way my little sister . . . Do you remember Nicolette?”
“I do.”
“Anyway, she didn’t sugarcoat what she thought of him and kept giving him these little digs.”
“And you felt bad for him.”
“Yeah, I did. Which is surprising because, all my life, he’s been cutting me down, telling me what I was doing wrong. Nothing I did was good enough.”
“Just like your grandmother.”
“Exactly like my grandmother.” He paused and looked down at her. “Did I tell you about her?”
“No,” she said hastily. “It’s just a guess. You said she’s coldhearted.”
They started walking again. “She is. They’re very similar. Put the man I thought was my real father in the same room with them and you’d have a trifecta of judgment.”
They’d reached a part of the beach that was deserted and rocky. Hailey stopped, picked up a stone, and threw it in the water. “That’s so sad.”
Great, how did I get her to sleep with me? I depressed her until she gave in out of pity. He pushed his feelings back into the box he kept them in. “Really, what is family except a huge time-suck, anyway?”
She spun on him then with unexpected anger in her eyes. “Do you honestly feel that way?”
He rocked back onto his heels in the face of her challenge. This was a new side of her. The easygoing girl he’d once fallen for now had an edge. He had a feeling that if he said yes it would bring a swift end to their time together.
The bullshit I tell myself isn’t enough for her.
“No, I don’t, but telling myself that makes the shitshow of my family bearable.”
An awkward silence followed.
She sat on a large rock and pulled her legs up protectively in front of her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. I’m not judging you, but it’s hard for me to hear you talk that way. You have a big family. They make you angry. They drive you nuts, but you could work it out if you wanted to. You have the luxury of being with any of them if you choose. I can never have even a bad day with Ryan again.”
Spencer sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. Screw the rules. This isn’t about sex. “Did my family send you? Because you’ve got me ready to call every last one of them and apologize.”
She tensed beneath his arm. “Of course they didn’t.”
“I was joking.”
Her expression remained strained. “I know.”
Is it my arm? Am I crossing a line? He removed it and shifted to break the contact between their bodies.
They sat for a while without speaking, looking out over the water. The view got Spencer thinking about how he could incorporate it into his next themed virtual office program. “I want to show you what I do. Let’s shower, get something to eat, and I’ll take you to my office.”
“I should get back. I hate to leave Skye for too long on a day when I don’t have to.”
“Of course.” In an attempt to mask his disappointment, he ended up sounding impatient.
She searched his face and said, “She takes up a lot of my time. And that’s the way it should be. She and I are a package deal. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who saw her as less than the blessing she is.”
Was that what drove my mother to divorce her first husband? Did he resent me? The love in Hailey’s voice when she defended Skye sparked yearning in him that had nothing to do with lust. People spoke about loyalty and commitment, but Hailey lived that virtue. She could have been resentful of how easily he’d believed the worst of her, but she wasn’t like that. She was the kind of woman a man could picture building a life with if he were ready to take such a step.
He offered her a hand to help her back to her feet. She took it. They stood there, hand in hand, in a moment outside of time. He could have kissed her then and she might have let him, but he held himself in check. Yes, his body went haywire whenever she stood too close, but he wasn’t a boy anymore. He didn’t have to let his desires rule him.
As he looked down into her trusting eyes, he asked himself where he wanted this to go. The answer came to him without hesitation. Whether we last for a week or a lifetime, I don’t want her to regret giving us a second chance. I want her to be happy.
He’d forged his place in the tech industry by being a problem solver, an obstacle remover. He couldn’t bring her father or her brother back. His experience with children was extremely limited, so he didn’t feel qualified to advise her on anything when it came to her niece. Her employment situation, however, was another story. He would find her the perfect job, one that would ease the worry in her eyes.
Doors were about to fly open for Hailey.
Some of his thoughts must have shone on his face because Hailey looked uncomfortable beneath his sustained attention. “You are my favorite view, beautiful inside and out. I forgot how good it feels just to look at you.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it. “I hope saying so doesn’t break any of our rules.”
She shook her head slowly as if she’d been as lost in him as he’d been in her. Her voice was husky and sexy as hell when she said, “No. That’s okay.”
He nodded toward where they’d left their towels and deliberately kept the return conversation light. The perfection of the weather and the day made it easy to talk about nothing in particular and still smile through it.
Too soon, they were shaking the sand out of their clothes and putting them back on. Hailey smoothed the material of her dress over her hips and said, “I was so excited about getting this dress, and I didn’t even wear it that long.”
Spencer stepped into his jeans but halted before securing them. Tongue in cheek, he said, “I won’t say it. I can’t say it.”
She made a face at him, then put her hands on her hips. “You might as well. I’m curious.”
“Nope, I’m abiding by our rules.”
“Just spit it out.”
He let his grin shine. “A dress that doesn’t stay on long? That’s always been my favorite kind.”
She laughed and smacked his arm playfully.
Being with her shouldn’t feel as good as it had the first time around, but it did. In many ways, it was even better.
God, I hope I don’t fuck it up a second time.