Cade

Hell wasn’t for people who told white lies. It wasn’t for the child who stole a pack of gum. Hell was for men like me. Like Drew. A spot already waiting for those who knew their actions were wrong and carried them out without a sliver of remorse. Repeatedly. Those of us who enjoy the ruining of others and taking the life of someone else when it wasn’t yours to take. Beating on your wife, cheating, making her prance around like some goddamn stripper in your own club, and not giving a shit about her in any way, shape, or form until someone came along who did.

Living in hell doesn’t always mean you’re dead. Not when it takes up space in your mind. Closing it off while it spins its black magic to destroy the good. When it cracks open, the web is spun, the victim is caught, and you set your plan into action bringing them to the gates of Hell, and pulling them inside. You choose to inflict your own kind of pain, or you let their own take over their mind while you leave them with no choice but to burn inside the circle of fire you’ve pissed around them.

It wasn’t me who brought Ivy into the circle. Both of us were drawn into the abyss by the same man. The same man who shoved us both into hell.

Since hanging up with him, I’ve lifted my arms out wide. Let the fire burn my skin until the flames materialized into an inferno. Drank until I passed out in front of the computer screen watching her sleep. Catching glimpses of her naked body, her lush tits, her ass, her pussy I want to claim as my own and those scars that made her life a living hell.

I want to lick, kiss, tease those scars until all she remembers when she looks at them is me. All she feels when she touches them are my lips and teeth and tongue.

A few hours ago I watched her wake. Those eyes wide with shock when she wasn’t restrained. Her beautiful mind calling out for me to save her.

Rubbing my hand over my beard, I remind myself I don’t give a shit if keeping her here is the right thing to do or not. It’s my way of making things right for her.

I lift my head when I hear her tentative footsteps coming down the hall. Swear my black heart beats for the first time in ten years as her shadow comes into view. That beautiful heart of hers is beating so loud I can hear it. Can also hear those wheels turning in her frightened mind.

She’s scared to death. Suppose I am too. Except my fear is caged in. Need it to be to make her understand, and it needs to stay locked inside my hell. Because for me there’s no getting out. Not with the shit I’ve done.

“No. You are not Cade. No, you’re not. They’ve, you’ve poisoned my mind into believing. This entire place smells like him. What the hell is going on with me? Why would you do this? Why?” That whispered last word coming off her tongue holds a lot of meaning.

I can’t fucking breathe.

Can’t contain the memories of the man she remembers me to be. They slaughter me. Her shock covers her skin in dark red blotches that I feel on my own. Her mouth hangs open. All I want to do is cover it with mine. I can’t help but notice how tiny and vulnerable she looks. The woman was never very tall. She just had a face like an angel, a mind she used wisely, and a body made for me. My cock jerks at the sight of her.

“Goddamn you, Drew St. James. I hate you. I want you to die. How dare you pretend to be Cade.”

There she is. That feisty anger, it flares like a firework shooting up into the darkened sky. She’s a gorgeous vision as her tiny hands grip the back of my couch to steady her shaky frame. Her hair is a tousled mess of curls, making my fingers itch to wrap it around my wrist and devour her neck while she rides me. Her eyes are swollen, worn, worried, and filling with tears. Face free of makeup, and so beautiful she has no clue that even at the core of her despair, she sucks me straight into her orbit. Those lips I want to kiss are trembling. Her skin shines, making my fingers itch to run my calloused blood-stained hands over every inch. To tell her I could give a fuck about the scars my brother has lashed across her soul, her skin. Because with Ivy, there’s so much to her that I can see past them. I see into her soul that needs to be set free, and I see its wings wanting to take the first step to fly.

She’s stunning.

It’s in the moment when her shock-filled eyes notice my tattoos that she realizes I’m not Drew.

“Oh, my God. It is you. You're alive?”

Yeah, baby, it’s me. I’m about to tell you I don’t want you when I damn well do.

Not sure if she’s asking or if it’s a statement. Don’t matter; I see the signs she realizes it’s me falling off her like wilted petals.

Disbelief stares me down. Those lips quiver for all of a minute until they form a straight line and that mouth of hers fills with questions. I knew she’d be pissed and hurt. Has every right to be. When you add confusion to the mix, it makes those questions hard as fuck to answer.

She stands there moving one hand over her chest, the other on her stomach. Eyes scanning my entire face. Swear to Christ, I see her flinch when she squints enough to make out the word written across my knuckles.

My chest growls. Blistering anger is imprinting me more than my ink she scans from turbulent eyes.

She has no fucking idea how much I want to draw the lost woman buried deep inside her by covering her mouth with mine and sucking it out of her. Sweep away the years of pain I’ve caused her.

“You. I watched your house burn. You were in bed. You took me from the club. Got me away from that monster who broke me, but you couldn’t take me back then?”

For years I couldn’t stop the nightmares of seeing her screaming in the aftermath. Her fragile body shaking in her father’s arms. Those years of falling into the blackness that settled into my bones, that took over and kicked my heart out of my body. Left it lying at her feet.

She was the part of what I left behind I regret the most.

“Yes. I took you from him. Someone drugged you, Ivy. Whoever it was, was going to have their way with you or God forbid, kill you. Fuck, I have answers to everything, I just don’t know where to begin. Tell me you’re feeling better. There’s something on the sofa for you.” I’ve never been a man at a loss for words. Don’t intend to be now.

I hesitantly watch her move around to take a seat, her velvet lashes blinking, the small gasp escaping from her sensual mouth when she eyes my gun resting on the table next to me, and the tears that flow down her face as she shakily picks up the purple tulip and brings it to her nose. My mind clouds with the fact she’s so close yet a million miles away.

“Wasn’t sure if those were still your favorite flower or not.”

I intended to kill this woman if she participated in stealing my life from me. Make her think I wanted her, fuck her and then blow her apart. That’s a question I hope she never asks. Lying to her again isn’t an option for me. The only thing that should be is taking away every single bit of her pain, regardless of whether it kills me.

It’s a whole lot of fucked up when all I can think about is running my twitchy trigger finger over her exposed bare shoulder. Slide my hands into all that hair and hold her. Be who I used to be. Ellie did a damn fine job in picking out her clothes. Skin-tight workout leggings, off the shoulder gray sweatshirt.

Fuck. Me.

“They are. I just haven’t seen one in years. If you're not planning on using that gun on me, then I suggest you start talking, or I’m walking out that door. I’ve been held captive for years, Cade. I won’t let anyone hold me hostage, again. Where have you been and why are you here?”

The way she says captive and hostage pisses me off. Those words don’t belong coming out of her mouth. Burns my ass thinking he kept her under his thumb.

And I’m doing the same.

“Not going to hurt you.” Not in the way you think. “You aren’t going anywhere. Not until I know you're safe and strong enough to take care of yourself. When I think you are, that door will be open. Until then, you're stuck here.”

She blinks a few times, blocking out her tears. It feels like emotional suicide watching her pull her eyes off of me to gaze out the windows behind me, those broken wheels in her head just spinning.

“What are you going to do then, beat me with it, place more scars on my heart. Shoot me and bury my body somewhere? Isn’t that what the mob does? You have no right to demand a thing from me. You’re the man who let me think he was dead for ten years. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? Of course, you do. You probably know everything about me, or you think you do? Goddamn you, Cade. A part of me hates you for being alive. The other wants to kill you and make sure you stay dead.”

That makes two of us, sweetheart.

“Last time I’m going to tell you. I’m not going to hurt you, Ivy. The Diamonds don’t have a thing to do with you and me. I happen to live in their building. That’s the end of it.” Fuck. I wasn’t going to lie to her. That part of my life she isn’t ready to hear. Don’t know what’s she’s ready for. It fucks me right off wondering how screwed up Drew has her. Is she timid, afraid to be touched?

Her attention darts to the tattoos on my forearms, her brows furrow, breath catching before she diverts down to her flower, kicks her head back up and she takes in the room. It’s as black as my bedroom. Not a splash of color. Color left my world right along with the man I used to be.

“You didn’t answer me, Ivy. Are you feeling okay?”

“I don’t know how to answer you, Cade. God, saying your name, seeing how much you’ve changed, yet haven’t. It has me numb from the inside out. Right now, I’m coming to grips with the most shocking, truthful realism in my life. I take that back. I don’t know what’s more shocking. The first time I found out what kind of a monster your brother is or the fact you didn’t love me enough to take me with you.”

I did love you. Still do. Always will.

Her face crumples like a bulldozed structure crumbling to dust, sturdy one moment, a pile of ash and rubble the next. She’s hurting, and I haven’t even begun to tell her everything.

I’ll sit here and take her wrath, but when she’s done, that’s the end of it. She’s going to sit there and hear my side of the story, or I’ll strap her down myself. I have to believe the woman is a hell of a lot stronger than what she should be.

“I’m sorry about giving you drugs. The doctor I had look you over said you needed them. I wasn’t going to watch you hurt, Ivy. No matter what. From now on if you want something to cure your pain; then you're looking at him. I mean all of your pain. Every last bit. And I don’t know everything about you. If I did, I would have taken you the minute I found out what Drew was doing to you. What I do know is the night I saw you at the club, you were hurting. Didn’t quite know how much until I saw what he’d done. How long has it been going on?”

She swallows. It’s her turn to hold me prisoner. When her pain and humiliation become visible, it’s all I see. “You’re beautiful. Every part of you is Ivy. So damn strong you’re swimming in strength.”

“Strength? You want to talk about strength. I haven’t any. I’m wiped out. Dead on the inside. He’s done…” she pauses, wipes away tears and closes her eyes. Fuck me; I’m not sure I have the strength to hear this again. “It started shortly after we were married. I’m not going to tell you everything he’s done. I’m sure you saw the bruises, my scars. Let’s just say I could go the rest of my life without having a man touch me.”

She’s lying. I’d bet if I touched her right now, she’d melt into me the same way I would her.

This woman deserves to have a man’s touch. My touch. My hands should be caressing every exotic curvy inch. Her body is like a worship temple. But that’s not what this is about. It’s about a strong woman standing tall against a man who did all he could to destroy her.

“Now you know. So the hell what. Everything you're saying is a crock of shit. If I was strong, I wouldn’t have let him touch me. I wouldn’t have fallen for his charm. Him telling me you’d be happy that he was the one taking care of me. I don’t want you to help me with my pain. I don’t want anything except to be free from both of you. I want to disappear and never be found.”

Shit, her wanting to be free of me stings when it shouldn’t. Wish I had the strength not to care, but I do, and that’s a big goddamn problem. “I do want you happy. I always have.”

“Really? Then why did you leave me behind? What do you want from me, Cade? I walk out here expecting to see members of the mob or my husband only to find the man I’ve never stopped loving, the man I thought I lost sitting here in a room that smells like vanilla and danger. I want to know why you told me you were protecting me. I want to know why you pretended to be Drew. Do you know who drugged me, because I remember nothing past walking in BURN and seeing my friend.”

All I want is you.

After all this time she still loves me. I knew she did. Dear God, I need to get the hell out of here before I do something neither one of us are ready for.

Probably a good thing she doesn’t remember the club too.

“Told you I took you to protect you from him and whoever drugged you. I happened to be at the club that night. Damn good thing I was. I don’t know who gave it to you yet. I’m working on it. Fairly certain it was in your water. There’s a reason I left without telling you, Ivy. Give me a minute and I’ll tell you. As far as your friend goes, she seems to be fine. I have a feeling Drew beat me to her. Otherwise, I’ve no doubt your face would already be plastered all over the television.” Either that or, this Casey is the one who drugged Ivy.

“Give you a minute? I’ve given you years. Drew, he probably told her to keep her mouth shut. He’ll hurt them, I know he will. Are you sure she’s alright?” I grit my teeth as I sit here and listen to her choking down her sobs telling me about how Drew held her dad’s health over her head, then flipping to her friend and kid.

I can’t comprehend what life must have been like for her. All this time worrying about her dad, going home to a man who drained her dry.

“She’s fine, Ivy. Working, taking her daughter to school. She’s not hurt.”

For a second, while she studies me, I hold my breath wondering if she’s going to push the issue on why I left her. She’s not, at least not at the moment. She’s working around making sure I’m telling the truth.

“You had no intentions of coming back for me, did you? How long have you known about Drew and me? Did you hear from some source, some spy the despicable things he did? Is that why you came back. Guilt sparked a little inside of you. Such bullshit that you want to take it away because it’s your fault I have it in the first place.”

Fuck, ever since I hung up with him, I’ve tried not to let my mind go there. Kind of hard when it’s left bloodstained ink on your soul.

The pain in her voice pierces me instead of bringing calm to my raging storm. Her chest rises and falls. I have a feeling she’s only beginning to lash out. After all, she probably couldn’t speak up to defend herself. If she did, she knew what would happen. I saw that in the way she stiffened the few times she slipped up while she thought I was Drew.

I sit there like the betrayer I am. She has never been more wrong and right than now.

“I gave up on saving myself. I had two weeks, two weeks to grieve after my dad died before Drew got his hands on me again. The man I married put my body and heart through a shredder, ripped it to pieces and destroyed me. He has beaten and taken me by force more times than I can count. I’m full of pain, Cade. How in the hell do you think you can erase the last ten years of my miserable life?”

Jesus motherfucking Christ. I can’t sit here and listen to what he did much longer. I need to get gone. Lock my mind down over the misery he put her through.

“Your dad was a good man, Ivy. What you did shows how strong you are. Now, if you’ll let me talk, I can answer the rest of your questions. The night of the fire, I tried to save my family. The flames were too strong. I jumped out the window. Couldn’t think of anything except my whole family was burning inside the one place they should have been safe.” My blood runs cold as I sit here and rehash the worst night of my life.

Her sobs rip me in half while the creases of agony on her face about do me in. I recognize the moment the truth of what I can’t say pushes its way into her mind, choking the space between us with a vile of ugly vengeance.

Reaching for my pipe, I light it, take a drag to calm me down before I tell her more. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than she’s already been hurt. Ivy doesn’t deserve the shit my brother has done to her. Fuck, neither do I. She’s owed the truth whether it makes her hate me or not.

“Drew set the house on fire. He planned it out. He wasn’t alone in his planning, Ivy. Clay and a few others were in on it. I left, roamed around for a few days and enlisted in the army. I sealed my life in revenge. I killed Clay. I’m going to kill the rest, and find out who drugged you and then set you free. But Ivy, there’s something you should know. I would have killed you if you had been involved.”

I promised I wouldn’t hurt her.

The look on her face proves me a certifiable liar.